LOVE HURTS-Eastenders Fic.
LOVE HURTS
It hurts to look at him. It hurts to think about him. It even hurts to be angry at him. Everything about him hurts, but what kills me about all this pain is the fact that it hurts in a good way; in the same way only love does.
I’ve been in love before, and I thought I had been in love plenty of other times too, but never, not even once in my life, had i ever fallen for someone, so hard, so completely as i have with this man. I’ll admit it to him, hell I’ll tell the whole square if i could, just how much I love him.
I’ve been through my fair share of gay dilemmas-i get it, and understand. I really do. So much so that it hurts more to watch him make this mistake. I wish i could do more to convince him, and yes-i could do a lot more-but that would mean he will hurt too, she will hurt too.
Better me, than all of us.
Sadly, over time, the happy couple will hurt a lot more than me. A million times more, and i don’t want that. It’s torture, and i wish i could make him understand. A life time of shame (if that’s what he wants to call it) is better than a life time of lies, and hurt.
I see in his eyes when he looks at me, i feel the warmth on his skin when i touch him. I know he knows it feels right, and he is so scared. I don’t blame him, i chicken shit scared of him too. I never wanted someone so bad, i never cared for someone so deeply...I never knew anyone could hurt me this badly.
Oh. Jesus. It hurts.
“hey.” A sweet voice interrupts. I open my eyes, and somehow the pain has now become physical. So real, and i wonder why is there a nurse staring down at me?
“Hey.” It even hurts to talk, and it’s excruciating to smile.
“Don’t try to talk. OK.” She murmurs as she fiddles with something on my arm. That hurts too. Everything is hurting, not only my heart. “Does this hurt?”
Is she really asking me if I’m hurting. I look at her, I want to cry and i don’t notice just how much pain i’m in because my heart is the one who needs tending to. Oh if only she knew how much it hurts to see the man you love destroy his life-deny himself...deny you.
“My Heart hurts.” I’m chocking now, and I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew tears hurt, but i never knew just how much.
She coos at me with a sad look in her eyes, and tries to dry my tears but i turn my cheek away and i cry harder. For a moment all i can hear is my sobs, and all i can feel is the seething pain that is overwhelming me.
Then i hear her soft voice say. “I know. Love hurts...i know”