(no subject)
As this is my first complete fic I am terribly excited! Please tell me what you think.
Title: Afraid
Author: zenkatze
Pairing: Bela/Farin
Beta: the adorable theallicat
Disclaimer: If I could make money from this would I work my ass off in university?
Summary: A look into Farin's mind. Pretty dark.
Farin speaking:
I am afraid of the dark. But the greatest horror imaginable for me is to be all alone. Which is strange because I have always valued and needed time for myself. I don't get bored easily when I am alone. I even like it. But the worst nightmare, the one I could never dream at night, is to be left alone. Sometimes it is like a morbid game I play with myself: I’ll imagine what it would be like, after an earthquake, an atomic bomb, some natural catastrophe, finding myself the sole survivor. I think I would go quite mad. When I try to imagine this, a fear grips me that is closer to horror than anything else. I don't think I am mortally afraid of dying (which is pretty strange considering), I am mortally afraid of being left alone. Nobody to talk to, nobody to snuggle up to, and nobody to share things with. To me it really is the greatest horror imaginable. It wouldn't be worth existing if there was nobody around except for me. The feeling I get when I try to imagine this is an unbelievable pain of the soul. I feel like curling up and - well, not really dying, just keening softly, or screaming, or crying. The pain is so terrible. The despair. It's the deepest I've ever felt. If I really should survive the aftermath, I am not sure if I would be able to muster enough energy to keep myself alive. I am afraid I would live because I am pretty strong and energetic. However, I am certain I would go mad. A person cannot exist without creatures to talk to and being quite imaginative I might just invent some. I am not sure why madness bothers me so much. It just does. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and cover my ears. Maybe it is the despair I am most afraid of. I am not sure, but despair is probably the worst thing in the world to feel. As I said before, I’m not sure. I think the fundamental, deep-rooted fears of loneliness and separation are the reasons I first started to go on holidays alone. To confront it. Partly might also have been being afraid of truly meeting and seeing myself. I am not sure why I was so deeply afraid of that so called horror I expected to find within. The holiday thing didn't work out though. The ability to make acquaintances within seconds is so deeply ingrained now I can't seem to shake it off. Maybe the fear of meeting myself and the fear of loneliness are closely linked. Maybe they are two different things with different reasons. Maybe they are one in the same or a mixture of everything. I am also not sure, whether this social angst I often feel, this tendency to make people like me and to keep their good opinion at any cost, is related to all of the above and if so, how? The feel- I was gonna say that the feelings inside, the emotions are completely different. But that's not true. When somebody gives me the impression they don't like me, there is a moment of first, cool, exquisite terror, an icy fist that reaches inside me and clenches my intestines. I stop breathing, I stop living for a second and afterwards my heart beats so fast. The absolute purest feeling of fright. Perhaps I am not really there when nobody sees me? That would explain my thirst for being noticed as someone special in a crowd. This thirst which always makes me crack jokes, which makes me stand in front of thousands of people and play. Playing the guitar, their emotions, or whatever. It all probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was a teased and disdained outsider from elementary school on. And the fact that my mother seldom found time for me. So I managed to get attention and approval from other sources such as teachers, a small group of friends, and enemies. I desperately needed them to notice me and so I became quick-witted, daring, funny, a performer. What waits for me in the dark, though, is nothing but my most terrible fantasies, my own frightening thoughts, my imagination. And that is the most terrible thing to say. Ghosts, tigers, nothing I wouldn't have recognized as laughable and unrealistic with the lights on. The dark is different though. It still gets me from time to time when I am walking alone in the park at night. Now it is never as terrible or truly petrifying as when I was a kid. I used to lie in my room frozen with fear, hands clasped before my eyes, trying not to breath, not to be there. The paradoxical thing about it is and was even then, that I know I’m not really afraid of the pictures my imagination throws at me. Pretty random pictures. They were just shapes my imagination threw up for my terrified brain to cling to. But I really was terrified of the abyss, the great nothing, of fear itself. The Dark in a very different sense from meaning of „no light“. Dark as a quality. I don't know where this fear comes from. But it did manage to get me in the dark, because then defenses are weakest. Nothing, no pictures to distract the mind. Nobody there. Of course the dark isn't the least bit terrifying when you’re not alone. Perhaps this darkness, or rather fear of darkness, inside me is the reason I never liked Bela's fascination with the occult. For me it hits too close to home. He can be fascinated by it because in a way he lacks its quality. That is not to say he doesn't have his dark streak, I know he does. But where mine is a mile wide his would barely cover a sheet of paper. Which is another reason I need him. I try to control my life, keeping my body fit and in control, never giving into the temptation to use drugs. Even though I sometimes crave the effect I imagine they have. I control my relationships to other people. Many people aren’t kept close. Very carefully, I keep track of what I put into my head and my mind as well. All in trying to maintain my defenses. But there is one thing that can maintain defenses better than anything else in the world: The warmth of another human being, untouched by darkness, close to me. Love. Because it is love that we share. We might never have kissed in earnest and we may never have actually made love. But still, we might as well be married. When I know he is near, during a night on the tour bus for example, my sleep reaches a depth I don't normally experience. As if he even makes my unconscious relax. Sometimes I long for him to hold me. I think that maybe, if I could look forward to that every evening, I might loose this dreaded fear of the darkness forever. I just might.
Title: Afraid
Author: zenkatze
Pairing: Bela/Farin
Beta: the adorable theallicat
Disclaimer: If I could make money from this would I work my ass off in university?
Summary: A look into Farin's mind. Pretty dark.
Farin speaking:
I am afraid of the dark. But the greatest horror imaginable for me is to be all alone. Which is strange because I have always valued and needed time for myself. I don't get bored easily when I am alone. I even like it. But the worst nightmare, the one I could never dream at night, is to be left alone. Sometimes it is like a morbid game I play with myself: I’ll imagine what it would be like, after an earthquake, an atomic bomb, some natural catastrophe, finding myself the sole survivor. I think I would go quite mad. When I try to imagine this, a fear grips me that is closer to horror than anything else. I don't think I am mortally afraid of dying (which is pretty strange considering), I am mortally afraid of being left alone. Nobody to talk to, nobody to snuggle up to, and nobody to share things with. To me it really is the greatest horror imaginable. It wouldn't be worth existing if there was nobody around except for me. The feeling I get when I try to imagine this is an unbelievable pain of the soul. I feel like curling up and - well, not really dying, just keening softly, or screaming, or crying. The pain is so terrible. The despair. It's the deepest I've ever felt. If I really should survive the aftermath, I am not sure if I would be able to muster enough energy to keep myself alive. I am afraid I would live because I am pretty strong and energetic. However, I am certain I would go mad. A person cannot exist without creatures to talk to and being quite imaginative I might just invent some. I am not sure why madness bothers me so much. It just does. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and cover my ears. Maybe it is the despair I am most afraid of. I am not sure, but despair is probably the worst thing in the world to feel. As I said before, I’m not sure. I think the fundamental, deep-rooted fears of loneliness and separation are the reasons I first started to go on holidays alone. To confront it. Partly might also have been being afraid of truly meeting and seeing myself. I am not sure why I was so deeply afraid of that so called horror I expected to find within. The holiday thing didn't work out though. The ability to make acquaintances within seconds is so deeply ingrained now I can't seem to shake it off. Maybe the fear of meeting myself and the fear of loneliness are closely linked. Maybe they are two different things with different reasons. Maybe they are one in the same or a mixture of everything. I am also not sure, whether this social angst I often feel, this tendency to make people like me and to keep their good opinion at any cost, is related to all of the above and if so, how? The feel- I was gonna say that the feelings inside, the emotions are completely different. But that's not true. When somebody gives me the impression they don't like me, there is a moment of first, cool, exquisite terror, an icy fist that reaches inside me and clenches my intestines. I stop breathing, I stop living for a second and afterwards my heart beats so fast. The absolute purest feeling of fright. Perhaps I am not really there when nobody sees me? That would explain my thirst for being noticed as someone special in a crowd. This thirst which always makes me crack jokes, which makes me stand in front of thousands of people and play. Playing the guitar, their emotions, or whatever. It all probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was a teased and disdained outsider from elementary school on. And the fact that my mother seldom found time for me. So I managed to get attention and approval from other sources such as teachers, a small group of friends, and enemies. I desperately needed them to notice me and so I became quick-witted, daring, funny, a performer. What waits for me in the dark, though, is nothing but my most terrible fantasies, my own frightening thoughts, my imagination. And that is the most terrible thing to say. Ghosts, tigers, nothing I wouldn't have recognized as laughable and unrealistic with the lights on. The dark is different though. It still gets me from time to time when I am walking alone in the park at night. Now it is never as terrible or truly petrifying as when I was a kid. I used to lie in my room frozen with fear, hands clasped before my eyes, trying not to breath, not to be there. The paradoxical thing about it is and was even then, that I know I’m not really afraid of the pictures my imagination throws at me. Pretty random pictures. They were just shapes my imagination threw up for my terrified brain to cling to. But I really was terrified of the abyss, the great nothing, of fear itself. The Dark in a very different sense from meaning of „no light“. Dark as a quality. I don't know where this fear comes from. But it did manage to get me in the dark, because then defenses are weakest. Nothing, no pictures to distract the mind. Nobody there. Of course the dark isn't the least bit terrifying when you’re not alone. Perhaps this darkness, or rather fear of darkness, inside me is the reason I never liked Bela's fascination with the occult. For me it hits too close to home. He can be fascinated by it because in a way he lacks its quality. That is not to say he doesn't have his dark streak, I know he does. But where mine is a mile wide his would barely cover a sheet of paper. Which is another reason I need him. I try to control my life, keeping my body fit and in control, never giving into the temptation to use drugs. Even though I sometimes crave the effect I imagine they have. I control my relationships to other people. Many people aren’t kept close. Very carefully, I keep track of what I put into my head and my mind as well. All in trying to maintain my defenses. But there is one thing that can maintain defenses better than anything else in the world: The warmth of another human being, untouched by darkness, close to me. Love. Because it is love that we share. We might never have kissed in earnest and we may never have actually made love. But still, we might as well be married. When I know he is near, during a night on the tour bus for example, my sleep reaches a depth I don't normally experience. As if he even makes my unconscious relax. Sometimes I long for him to hold me. I think that maybe, if I could look forward to that every evening, I might loose this dreaded fear of the darkness forever. I just might.