(no subject)
things have been really crazy with belly dance. just getting a partner, and people to depend on. getting gigs, the time commitment, students flaking. today was frustrating but i made sure to keep myself calm no matter what and i did. its my last class of the summer and i had two students. some peps flaked, which can always get on my nerves, but i was there, and taught my class, i have a feeling i taught a little above beginner level...i dont think i know how to do beginner and fun and should aim for that.
Born texted me after class asking if i could perform at gaia, i know i said i would take as many gigs offered to me, but this would involve seeing a jack ass guy i was involved with who is one of those mainstream "i'll choose a faster girl over a slower one" kinda guys. i know its petty but i really dont want to see him again. i dunno what the opportunity is out of doing the gig, and with that guy being there, its more like more harm than nothing at all. im getting really scared now at performances, these days im setting the stakes a lot higher and it seems like a matter of life or death, i have to be the best i can be and resourceful as fuck to make it in this business. this is really hard work. now that im taking it more seriously, its scary and saying yes to any performance is hard now, cause i have to be the best and behave my best like a professional even though im not getting paid crap. and i just kinda feel like people are using me. im just putting myself in a situation that is going to be faced with a lot of futility and i just have to keep walking. i really dont have a reason not to keep going...i just still dont know if i want to do this show. im thinking of contacting drew tomorrow and asking him if he can support me, at least if a close friend is there to support me, i wont be in as much pain.
Born texted me after class asking if i could perform at gaia, i know i said i would take as many gigs offered to me, but this would involve seeing a jack ass guy i was involved with who is one of those mainstream "i'll choose a faster girl over a slower one" kinda guys. i know its petty but i really dont want to see him again. i dunno what the opportunity is out of doing the gig, and with that guy being there, its more like more harm than nothing at all. im getting really scared now at performances, these days im setting the stakes a lot higher and it seems like a matter of life or death, i have to be the best i can be and resourceful as fuck to make it in this business. this is really hard work. now that im taking it more seriously, its scary and saying yes to any performance is hard now, cause i have to be the best and behave my best like a professional even though im not getting paid crap. and i just kinda feel like people are using me. im just putting myself in a situation that is going to be faced with a lot of futility and i just have to keep walking. i really dont have a reason not to keep going...i just still dont know if i want to do this show. im thinking of contacting drew tomorrow and asking him if he can support me, at least if a close friend is there to support me, i wont be in as much pain.