Your Presence Here With Me
---
Everything was white. Bright. Clean.
Sickening.
She walked slowly down the familiar hallway, her footsteps ringing clearly in her head. Her heavy breaths seemed to echo right off the walls, creating a disorienting effect. It was almost like a horror movie. Somehow she expected the fluorescent lights on the ceiling to start flickering. But they didn’t.
It’s bright. It’s white.
It made her nauseous.
Stop. Stop…walking.
There was a man at the end of the hallway. A man in a white coat. A man she was approaching. The same man she was always walking towards.
Sometimes it’s only her and that man. Sometimes there are other people. Today fell into the latter category. She spotted a girl next to the man, squatted against the wall. It was Tiffany. Head buried in her knees.
Stop. Stop. Turn around. Turn around now!
The man looked up when he noticed her. His face was expressionless, blank, neutral, no different than staring at a piece of paper, but with practiced ease, a sympathetic smile took over. She didn’t want his pity. She didn’t want anything from him. She just wanted to leave. Leave now before it’s too late. Leave. Leave. Leave.
“Miss Jung Sooyeon?”
No. Please no. Walk away. Walk away walk away walk away!!!
She nodded, the movement stiff and rigid. The man wasn’t smiling anymore. Instead, he pushed open the door before him. The fake tenderness in his voice made her want to puke.
“Come with me.”
He disappeared into the room beyond the door. She was about to follow when she felt eyes on her. She looked down and there it was. Tiffany had angled her head slightly just so she could peek up and stare at her. It was a terrifying sight. Those were the emptiest eyes she’d ever seen.
“Miss Jung?”
She snapped back to attention and left Tiffany to enter the room. But what she saw there made her heart clench.
Get out of there. Get out get out get out! I don’t want to see this! I don’t want to see this!
There was a table in the centre of the room. And on it, covered by a pure white sheet, was a body. Her throat tightened even as the man gently beckoned her closer. She took baby steps forward.
He stood next to the table, his eyes cast downward. “I’m sorry. There was nothing else we could have done.”
No! This isn’t real. This isn’t real!
She felt light headed. She couldn’t breathe properly and the pain in her chest was excruciating.
This is a dream. Wake up, Jessica. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
She arrived next to the table, and then she saw it. Hair spilled on the table from under the sheet. Long, straight, black hair.
She stopped breathing.
Black hair that was dyed deep red with dried blood.
Wake up wake up wake up wake up stop it stop it this isn’t real wake up wake up stop stop stop stop stop-
The man grabbed hold of the sheet.
¬-stop stop stop no no don’t do it please wake up wake up WAKE UP!!! I don’t want to see this! NO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…!!-
He lifted it.
-please…
Stop.
--
Jessica’s eyes shot open.
Everything was dark. Quiet. Cozy.
Comfortable.
She took a deep breath before she dared asses her surroundings. She was in her room. On her bed. One hand raised above her head. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She exhaled slowly.
It’s just a nightmare.
Jessica turned to her side, curling herself into a ball as she pulled the covers closer to her body. She briefly glanced at the digital clock on her bedside table. It read 5:12 a.m. Much too early for her to be up. She closed her eyes.
Just a nightmare.
When she opened her eyes next, she knew something was wrong. It was bright again, with sunlight streaming in from her windows. She frowned. How could this be? It felt like she hadn’t slept a wink. One of her hands automatically shielded her vision from the glaring light while the other reached out to grab her clock. But it was her hand that was grabbed instead.
Jessica froze.
The foreign hand held hers gently by the wrist before gradually moving upwards to intertwine their fingers. Tentatively, Jessica dropped the arm covering her eyes, allowing her to see who the body next to her on the bed belongs to. In her heart she knew, but she had to be sure.
The other person smiled, her long, straight black hair splayed out on the pillow.
“Sica.”
“…Yuri,” a lazy smile spread through Jessica’s features. She relaxed, her hand gripping Yuri’s tightly. “Why are you here?”
Yuri’s smile grew wider. She brought Jessica’s hand to her lips, brushing a soft kiss on the latter’s knuckles. “What are you talking about? I’m always here.”
Jessica watched as Yuri’s lips made contact with her hand, feeling a buzzing warmth coursing through her body from that point. Without another word, she inched closer to the taller girl. Yuri quickly understood what Jessica wanted, shifting accordingly. When the lithe girl was close enough, Yuri put her free arm around her waist, pulling their bodies together.
Jessica instantly wrapped her arm around Yuri, nuzzling her head into the crook of her neck. “I missed you.”
Yuri chuckled. “I was here yesterday. And the day before that. And before that too. I’m here everyday.”
“It’s not enough,” Jessica murmured. “It’s never enough.”
The taller girl ran her hand soothingly up and down Jessica’s back. “You had a nightmare just now, didn’t you?”
The images flashed vividly in her mind. The bright hallway, her heavy footfalls, the man in the white coat, Tiffany’s empty eyes, the table in the room, the hair spilling out from under the sheet. And then, the face under the sheet.
Jessica closed her eyes, trying to shake off the images. But it’s not easy to forget something she kept seeing. She pressed herself closer to Yuri, needing the contact, the warmth. “It’s the same one. It’s always the same one.”
Yuri gently cradled the back of Jessica’s head, softly stroking her hair. “I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t protect you.”
The blonde remained silent for a while, but then nodded against Yuri’s neck. “Yes, this is all your fault. You fail as a seobang.”
Yuri pulled away slightly and then leaned down to press their foreheads together. Jessica opened her eyes at this gesture, staring deeply into Yuri’s dark brown orbs that she could see her own reflection. The tanned girl smiled small.
“What can I do to make up for it?”
Jessica brought her hand up to Yuri’s face, lovingly brushing back some strands of hair, before tenderly tracing her features. She took her time, her fingers leisurely making their way across Yuri’s eyebrow, and then down to her well defined nose and out again to her smooth cheek. Her eyes followed the path of her digits in her determination to commit what she saw with what she felt to memory. She never wants to forget this face. She wanted it ingrained into her very soul.
Her fingers went lower to the line of Yuri’s jaw and then lower to the tip of her chin, before going up again -completely missing her lips- to finally rest over her philtrum. She looked back up to lock eyes with Yuri once more, and in the other, she found questions. She didn’t answer them; instead she moved her fingers down to push against her lips.
“Kiss me.”
Jessica wasn’t sure if she imagined Yuri’s moment of hesitation, but when her fingers were pulled away and those lips plant themselves on hers in the next, she forgets all about it. The kiss was light and chaste, with Yuri tenderly stroking the side of her face. It wasn’t enough. She needed it to be stronger. Rougher. She needed it to mirror how much she craved for this. How much she wanted Yuri. She needed Yuri to need her.
Her arms wrapped around Yuri’s neck as she forcefully deepened the kiss. Yuri instantly complied, and she didn’t know when it happened or who did it, but suddenly she’s on her back and moaning into Yuri’s mouth. She felt Yuri straddle her hips, kissing her harder. Just like she wanted. She let them get lost in each other, let their bodies press painfully together, let their hands wander, and she enjoyed it.
It was only when her hands slipped underneath Yuri’s tank top and felt around the small of her back that Yuri broke the kiss. Jessica sensed that hesitance again, and she tried to swallow the uneasiness it brought.
Yuri pushed herself up just enough to look at her face, though Jessica could still feel Yuri’s breath. “Are you sure?”
To her, it wasn’t a question that needed to be asked. Jessica swiftly nodded, and then crushed their mouths back together.
No other words were exchanged between them beyond that point. Only breaths, moans, groans, pants, whimpers, and names. Jessica pulled off Yuri’s top; Yuri pulled off everything. And when their bare flesh converged, Jessica hissed. A new reaction. Yuri seemed to like that reaction, and repeatedly ground their bodies together, almost driving Jessica mad with the friction.
It only made her want more.
Jessica bit down on Yuri’s lip, and the latter immediately got the message. She moved lower, her mouth making love to Jessica’s neck, and then shoulders, and then breasts. Jessica writhed and squirmed, fisting Yuri’s hair as she buried her face into the pillow. Then Yuri’s fingers enclose around a hardened nub, giving it the same treatment as her mouth, and Jessica had to remind herself to breathe.
“Yuri-yah…Yuri-yah…”
This was it. This was what she wanted. This feeling, Yuri here with her, the warmth, the intimacy, the desire, making her feel like she’d only dreamt about. She pulled Yuri back up when she felt the other about to go down. Even though she wanted it, of course she wanted it, but the uneasiness within her grew in strength proportionally to how far Yuri was from her sight. She couldn’t let her go. She had to keep her close.
“Don’t leave me.”
Yuri frowned, but kept the momentum of their love making going. She kissed her lips, her neck, kissed her way to Jessica’s ear. “I’m right here.”
Her hand found Jessica’s, intertwining their fingers. “I’m right here, Sica.”
The uneasiness was still there, but so was the warmth. And that, coupled with the sincerity in Yuri’s eyes, was enough to reassure her. These were the eyes she was drawn to. These were the eyes she wanted to wake up to every morning. She still does.
“I love you.”
It wasn’t the first time she said those three words, yet it never ceased to amaze her how it never feels enough. She locked her elbow around Yuri’s neck.
“I love you, Yuri. I love you so much.”
Yuri smiled. “I love you too, Sica,” she lowered her head to an inch of Jessica’s lips. “I love you too.”
And then Jessica gasped, the very sound being drowned by Yuri’s kiss. Yuri moved slowly inside of her, the motions practiced, hitting all the right spots, and eliciting all the right reactions. Jessica bucked, her body rocking against that of her lover’s. Yuri picked up the pace, her thumb circling, her fingers curling, again and again and again to the point Jessica pulls away from the kiss just to breathe.
Each breath repeated Yuri’s name. Yuri Yuri Yuri Yuri Yuri…
…until finally, with one last delirious cry, Jessica sunk back down on the bed. Yuri held her close, still inside her, still kissing her. Jessica lightly caressed Yuri’s face and did her best to return the kisses with the same fervor. She didn’t realize when it happened, but tears were streaming down from her eyes. Yuri carefully wiped them away with the back of her hand.
“Wow,” Yuri’s mouth cracked into a lopsided grin. “Am I that good?”
Jessica snorted, which was hard to do in her euphoria. But when Yuri’s arrogantly dorky grin didn’t disappear, she laughed and slapped Yuri’s arm. “You’re so full of yourself.”
Yuri kept smiling, but her gaze softened. “Don’t cry. I hate seeing you cry.”
She opened her mouth to answer, something, anything, but suddenly words seemed to elude her, so she merely nodded.
“Good,” Yuri replied, finally withdrawing her fingers and settling down next to her on the bed.
Jessica bit her lower lip at the shudders that rippled up her spine, but the sensations were numbed. She felt sleepy, and dreamy. She blinked rapidly, trying to water the sleepiness away, but it persisted. Instead, now she felt dizzy and tingly too.
Not yet.
She tried to manually rub the sleep from her eyes, but was stopped when Yuri grasped her hand. Jessica looked over to the other side of the bed. Her uneasiness came back with a vengeance.
Yuri lied there on her side, smiling at her fondly, in her tank top and shorts. Wait. She was pretty sure she took those off.
“Yuri…why-”
Yuri silenced her with a finger on her lips. “Sica-yah…where are you now?”
Jessica furrowed her brows. What kind of question was that? Wasn’t it obvious? She blinked and ultimately closed her eyes, the brightness blinding her.
“Where…?”
Why the hell was it so bright? Her body started to feel heavy.
Not yet. Please.
She gulped. “I’m…here, with you.”
Yuri’s palm covered over her closed lids. It blocked out more of the light and for a moment, she relished it. But when she felt Yuri’s breath next to her ear suddenly, the sinking feeling began to toss her stomach around, making the bile shoot up to her throat.
“Then,” Yuri whispered, “you need to wake up.”
“No!” she blurted, her hands already clenching down on Yuri’s, but she couldn’t pull it away from her eyes. “No, Yuri! I’m not ready yet!”
She pulled. She pushed. But Yuri’s hand wouldn’t budge. She started to trash against it.
No! No!
She needed to see her. Why won’t Yuri let her see her?
Yuri kissed her temple, a simple kiss, but it stopped her trashing.
“Yuri-”
“Yes, you are, Sica. And remember…I’m always here.”
The weight on her eyes lifted.
“Now wake up.”
--
Jessica jolted awake, her body bolting from the bed.
She slumped there frozen for exactly two seconds with only the sound of her breathing to accompany her. And then slowly, she turned her head to look at her bedside table.
12:05 p.m. gave way to 12:06 p.m.
She breathed another few breaths.
And the tears welled in her eyes.
--
Tiffany heard the sleep infused protest first, and then the creaking of the bed at the sudden strong movement, and finally the sob. She immediately dropped what she was doing and headed for the room where the noises originated from. It wasn’t often that the sob turned into a full blown wailing session, but she wasn’t about to take that chance. She let it happen at first. Thought she deserved it. But it had been too long now. This had to stop.
She needed to protect herself from the guilt. It was what that person would have wanted.
She swung open the door that was never even closed. If she thought that one day the sight wouldn’t bother her anymore, obviously that day hadn’t come yet. If she thought she had hardened her heart to deal with this, obviously she was wrong. Her gaze had softened the very instant she saw the girl on the bed it wasn’t even funny.
“Jessica.”
It hadn’t been easy figuring out what to say to her, but over time she had learned that her name was best. It usually went unacknowledged, though in her opinion, that was better than the ‘are you okay’s’ that were met with either anger or more crying.
As expected, the girl on the bed didn’t respond. Even as she approached, the girl just continued to lean towards the empty space beside her. She was turned away, and her hair hung around her face, but even then Tiffany knew without a shadow of doubt that she was staring at that empty space. Perhaps, no, not perhaps…she knew exactly what the girl was looking at.
This scene was a repeat of many others that had come before it after all. Sometimes it was the dinner table, sometimes the couch in the living room, sometimes the bathroom, sometimes the balcony. The location didn’t matter. It was who she saw there that matters.
Yuri. Jessica manifested Yuri in her dreams. And in there, Yuri could be anywhere. Tiffany could only imagine how real the dream must have seemed for Jessica to still be grasping for her even after she wakes. It didn’t help that everything around the house just served to further remind her of Yuri.
Tiffany closed the gap between them and sat on the bed. She made sure a smile was plastered on her face. “Jessi. You’re up!”
It was the blonde’s choice to keep torturing herself in a place full of their memories. If so, then at the very least, she had no intention of adding to it. One way to overcome something is by not talking about it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t allowing Jessica the freedom to grief. She knew what it was like, and she knew it was inevitable. But this wasn’t grief. It was plain denial.
“Wow, did you get a new or special alarm clock or something? You’ve been waking up at the same time everyday recently. I don’t even have to do anything.”
Jessica’s only response was that of a sharp intake of air. Her palms were flat against the surface of the bed, as though feeling for just a hint of something that should be there. But there was nothing there. And there never will be. She needed to accept that.
Even so, to dream of Yuri on the very bed they used to share…Tiffany had to admit that Jessica’s dreams had a sadistic way of being cruel.
Tiffany brushed some hair away from Jessica’s face. The latter’s eyes were filled to the brim. It was times like these that Tiffany couldn’t bring herself to be hard on the other. Jessica already looked so frail as she is. The tears only added more to that.
“Jessi-”
“It’s okay,” Jessica suddenly and instantly pulled away from the attempted hug. “I’m fine,” she mumbled, wiping at her eyes. “She hates it when I cry.”
Tiffany watched Jessica wipe the tears away, inwardly cringing at the last sentence. She never liked it when Jessica speaks that way.
But nevertheless she smiled. “Okay. So? Are you going to tell me your newfound waking up method?”
Jessica seemed to flinch at the question and Tiffany was ready to apologize but then the smallest of a smile formed on the former’s lips, so she didn’t. She absolutely didn’t like it that she had to tiptoe around the other’s volatile moods.
“She can’t stay. So she wakes me up.”
Tiffany’s smile faltered. Stop talking like that, was what she really wished she could say. However, it didn’t leave her thoughts. Instead, she got up and headed for the windows where she threw the curtains open. More light flooded the room. Jessica squinted.
“Since you’re up, and it’s such a beautiful weekend afternoon, what say you we go out? Shopping?” Tiffany asked from the window.
Jessica finally looked at her, but it was only to shake her head in refusal. “You go ahead. I don’t feel like going out.”
It was an expected answer, but she wasn’t one to concede easily. If she was she would have walked out on this long ago.
“You never feel like going out,” she chided. “Come on, you can’t stay cooped indoors forever. Let’s get some fresh air.”
Jessica shook her head again. “Maybe some other time.”
“That’s what you said last time. When is that ‘other time’ going to come?”
The other merely shrugged. “It’ll come when it comes.”
Tiffany began to feel the slightest twinge of frustration. “Jessi, this isn’t healthy. You never go out anymore.”
“Because I don’t want to. Can’t you just leave it at that?”
Jessica glared at Tiffany, making her own mild irritation known. The latter steeled her jaw. The former sighed. “My answer is no, Tiffany. So please, just let me be.”
If she had been just a random somebody, if she knew what was good for her, that would have been her cue to say okay and leave the room. Probably she could even throw in a comment about getting some lunch later when she felt like it. But she wasn’t a random somebody. No, she wasn’t a random somebody at all.
“Well my answer is no too.”
Jessica stopped in midst of pulling the covers over her body. “What?”
Tiffany marched right up to the bed and grabbed the covers away. “No, I’m not going to let you be.”
The glare intensified. Tiffany stood her ground. She didn’t have a reason to be scared. She knew it was just a cover. Inside, Jessica was vulnerable. And if she kept going, she knew she would hurt her. But she had no choice. She did her research. Spoke to all the right people. And they all came to the same conclusion.
“You have to stop this, Jessica. This is getting ridiculous.”
“What? Stop what? What’s getting ridiculous?”
“This!” Tiffany gestured her hands to her surroundings. She let her eyes wander for good measure too, but eventually fixed them back to the girl on the bed. “You not leaving the house! You talking like she’s still around! Just…stop it.”
She expected her to say something, anything. But all Jessica did was clench her fists into the sheets.
“I know what you’re doing. You can’t move on, so you’re just stuck here! You won’t leave the house because it’s filled with memories of the both of you! That’s why you won’t let me take you out, cause you’re afraid of making memories that she’s not a part of! For Christ’s sake, Jessi, you won’t even let me rearrange the furniture!”
She remembered how every time she moved something to change the environment; she’d find it back to its original spot the very next day. She kept at it till the point Jessica told her to stop. When Jessica remained adamant despite her reasoning, that’s when she knew.
“This isn’t going to bring her back, Jessi. Wake up!”
Jessica’s knuckles were white. She was still glaring, though Tiffany noticed the wetness building at the sides of her eyes.
“You don’t understand.”
That’s all she says. That’s all she ever says. You don’t understand. You don’t understand. Well, what exactly didn’t she understand?
“I don’t? Then enlighten me.”
She wasn’t going to accept that pathetic excuse this time.
Jessica breathed heavily. The sheets looked as though they were about to tear under her hold. “She’s here…with me.”
“I don’t see anybody.”
“Because you can’t! She’s…she’s in my dreams!”
Finally.
“Are you even listening to yourself? She’s in your dreams! Your dreams Jess. You created her. She isn’t real.”
Tiffany could see the smaller girl struggling to swallow, struggling to hold back her tears, and she wanted nothing more than to just take everything back. She didn’t want to hurt her. This wasn’t what was asked of her, right?
“She talks to me--”
No, she couldn’t let Jessica keep living in her world of make believe either. She couldn’t keep entertaining Jessica’s whims about this Yuri she sees in her dreams. Yuri was gone. And nothing was going to change that fact.
“Really? She talks to you? Well what does she say? Does she tell you how beautiful heaven is? How she’s been spending her days in the company of divine beings? Or does she tell you that she loves you? That she misses you? Things that she has told you before, things that you know, things that you can make her say?”
Jessica’s tiny body was trembling. Tiffany begged silently for forgiveness. She was about to cross a line, but she couldn’t back down here. She clenched her fists.
“She can’t talk to you, Jessica!” her nails dug into her palms. Please forgive me. “She’s dead!”
Tiffany immediately felt the strength leave her legs. She backed into the nearest wall, letting herself slide down to a crouch. Her breath was unsteady as she watched the tears roll down the other girl’s cheeks.
“You need to accept that. Please.”
She buried her head in her knees, trying in vain to somehow drown out the choked sobs, the strangled cries. There was nothing she hated more than having to deal with the aftermath. With Jessica, it almost felt like everyday was the day Yuri died. She closed her eyes and placed her palms over her ears, but then the blinding hospital lights began flashing behind her lids.
Why do you do this to me, Yuri?
“Get out.”
Tiffany snapped up at the sudden utterance. Jessica wasn’t looking at her, her head angled down, but she could still see the tears dripping off her chin onto the sheets.
“Jessi-”
The other didn’t let her finish. “You think…I need you…to tell me that?”
Her voice was cracking, and raspy, and in pain. She was almost spitting her words. Tiffany unconsciously flinched.
“Get out. Get the fuck out.”
“Jessica-”
“Get. Out.”
Tiffany shut her mouth at once. The anger in Jessica’s eyes wasn’t one she wanted to stoke further. Unlike most people, Jessica’s anger was not explosive. It was slow burn. It gave her chills. There was no use trying to reason with her any longer. The girl was already beyond that point.
She stood up slowly. Jessica’s cold glare didn’t leave her form. She sighed, and nodded her head just slightly. “Okay. Come out whenever you feel like it.”
And then Tiffany walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. She leaned on it, counting the seconds in her head. It didn’t take three seconds for the muffled wail to sound.
--
Jessica inhaled, taking in as much air as she could, and felt her lungs and diaphragm expand until they could expand no more, before she finally exhaled. She did this slowly, letting the air escape bit by bit. She let herself deflate. And then she repeated the process. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Drowsiness began to set in. She opened her eyes slowly, still puffy and sore from her crying earlier that day, and peeked at the clock on the wall. It read 4:30.
Not yet.
She inhaled and exhaled again while directing her line of sight elsewhere. The kitchen was first to enter her field of vision. Her eyes took it all in, the shelves and cabinets, the countertop, the sink, the knife holder and chopping board positioned next to the rice cooker, the plates and other cutleries drying on the stand, some other things she could not identify, and then the refrigerator in the corner.
She ran her hand purposefully along the counter as her attention darted from one thing to another. A small smile graced her lips. She saw it then, she heard it, the familiar sound of the knife meeting the chopping board, the figure of Yuri preparing the ingredients for dinner. It always amazed her how evenly Yuri cuts all the vegetables. She would stand to her side and watch, but then Yuri would chide her for being nosy and shoo her away because she was absolutely no help at all. Yuri used to say all the time, that all she had to do was wait for dinner to be served.
So she would sit at the dinner table, and be awed every time a meal fit for a princess was set before her. Yuri would of course, be completely cheesy and tell her that she is a princess. Her princess, while she smiled that dorky grin of hers. Jessica smiled along, leaning back on the dining table chair, watching the scenes play out around her.
In the mornings that she actually woke up, there would be the unmistakable hum of ma juice grinding. Even though she insisted she didn’t want it, Yuri would always grind enough for her as well. Yuri ended up drinking it all. And when Yuri was feeling mischievous, she’d catch the scent of cucumbers lingering in the kitchen. She’d then lock herself in her room and refuse to come out until Yuri got rid of it. But being playful was part of Yuri’s nature. She loved that about the girl too. There wasn’t a dull moment when she was with the younger girl.
Jessica walked towards the living room now, her fingers lightly tracing the armrest of the beige colored two-seater couch. They had spent many hours together on that piece of furniture. Whether it was unwinding after a long day, or weekend late night movies, or just plain lazing around, they did it here. She particularly loved their movie sessions. It was the perfect excuse to snuggle up with Yuri and maybe because it was so comfortable, she’d fall asleep half the time. Yuri never roused her from her slumber, and would instead carry her to bed even though she’d complain the next morning about her missing all the best parts. Then Yuri would take it in herself to fill her in, adding her own flavor to the story. Jessica found that she always liked listening to Yuri more than watching the movie. Maybe that’s why she kept falling asleep.
Her fingers reached the end of the armrest and trailed off the edge. She diverted her attention elsewhere, to the display shelves behind her. A smile pulled at her lips as she approached. The second and third rows were filled with photo frames, all framing precious moments frozen in time. She looked down, and there were more photo albums littering the bottom row. Those were largely filled with Polaroid ones. Yuri liked taking pictures. It was a passion they both shared. Selca’s, twoshots, but also random everyday things. She remembered there was one time Yuri took a shot of a broken plate she accidentally dropped. Said the shards seemed to form the shape of a heart.
She lingered at every frame, her smile growing wider the further she proceeded down the row. There were selca’s of both her and Yuri, and then twoshots of the both of them taken in various places at various times. She let herself delve into each memory. There was one taken at the entrance of the amusement park, and another when they went for a picnic, a plain one taken in their room, and then…Jessica froze. The last one was missing.
She scowled, and quickly scanned around the shelf, but it was nowhere to be found. She started to panic, her eyes frantically darting around. Where was it? Where was it? She chanced a glance at the living room and then she spotted it, standing there proudly on the coffee table next to the couch. In three strides she was there, and only when the frame was safely in her hands did she allow herself to sigh in relief. There was no doubt as to who moved it.
But that was a matter for another day. She lifted the frame, staring intently at the photograph within it. The photo was taken on a certain new year’s day, during the fireworks show. Splashes of color could be seen behind the two figures in the photo. She stared several moments longer, and then she slowly traced her thumb over the smiling Yuri. While doing so her eyes traveled and locked on to the band secured on the third finger of the same hand. The band gleamed in the moonlight.
I still remember what you told me, Yuri.
She extended her fingers to inspect the band more closely. Its pair hung around her neck.
I believe you. I always have.
A creak sounded behind her.
“…Jess?”
Jessica snapped out of her reverie and turned to her name.
Tiffany stood at the door of the guest room. “Wha-Why aren’t you sleeping? It’s-” she glanced at the wall clock, “-almost five in the morning.”
Jessica looked at the clock herself. It read 4:55.
Almost there.
She turned back to Tiffany. Her eyes ached. She didn’t hate the girl. She didn’t even dislike her. Not at all. She knew that Tiffany was trying to help. But it was as she always said. Tiffany didn’t understand.
“I’ll be in soon. Just get back to bed, Tiffany.”
Tiffany stayed by the door for a few seconds longer, but when it was clear that Jessica had no intention of budging, she conceded. Her form retreated back into her room.
“Oh, and Tiffany?”
Jessica looked back at the photo frame in her hands. She didn’t need to see to know she had the other girl’s attention. “Stop moving things around.”
Her tone carried an air of finality to it, and it was one that Tiffany seriously needed to respect. She was met only with silence, but silence was an answer too. The door clicked shut many seconds later.
She headed back towards the shelf and returned the frame to its original spot. Glancing one last time at the smiling faces of Yuri and herself, she headed now towards her room. She smiled upon entry, the familiarity seizing her at once. This was the place where they were most intimate. She sat on the bed. This was where they shared their bodies, where they shared their hearts. She lied down, breathing in the familiarity, breathing in the scent. Yuri’s scent. She could still remember it and it was as clear as though Yuri was right next to her.
She let herself get pulled in by that familiarity, by the feeling of Yuri’s arms wrapped around her, the whispering of sweet nothings in her ear to lull her to sleep. Her eyes drifted to a close, the last thing she saw being the time on her bedside clock.
5:05 a.m.
At first there was nothing.
Nothing but darkness.
Nothing but blankness.
Nothing but the back of her eyelids.
Nothing but silence.
Nothing but sleep.
But then she heard it. That unmistakable hum. She felt the warmth of the morning sun coming in through the windows; she felt the lingering body heat on the mattress. There was even the smell of breakfast in the air. Taking in all of this, a smile spread across her lips.
As though sensing her state of consciousness, the humming abruptly halted. Footsteps drew closer to the room, stopping briefly at the door and then coming in completely. She smiled wider as the mattress next to her sagged with the weight of the other person. And when she felt fingers softly caressing her cheek, she finally opened her eyes.
It was bright again, as it always was. But that didn’t matter. Before her was the same familiar form. The same long, black hair, the same dark brown orbs, the same defined nose, the same smooth cheek, the same pink lips with the same dorky grin.
She placed her hand over the one on her cheek.
“Good morning…Sica-yah.”
---
A/N: Um…the inspiration for this came from a scene from a trailer of a random horror movie, though I didn’t know it was a horror movie at that time. Female character wakes up on the bed and sees male character lying there looking back at her. So yea, that was my inspiration and I’m sure you all can see where I used that in here.
If any of you are wondering about the many, many unanswered questions revolving around this piece, like what is Tiffany’s part in all this and such, then you have every right to have those questions. This could be read as a standalone, but there’s another part planned that will provide a bigger picture. Hopefully that will be posted soon.
And I was supposed to have a YulTi and another YulSic piece up before this one, but they both suffered a setback. The YulTi piece lost momentum, and the YulSic piece is just…it needs revision. Hopefully those two will be up soon too.
Anyway, thank you for your time in reading this.
Everything was white. Bright. Clean.
Sickening.
She walked slowly down the familiar hallway, her footsteps ringing clearly in her head. Her heavy breaths seemed to echo right off the walls, creating a disorienting effect. It was almost like a horror movie. Somehow she expected the fluorescent lights on the ceiling to start flickering. But they didn’t.
It’s bright. It’s white.
It made her nauseous.
Stop. Stop…walking.
There was a man at the end of the hallway. A man in a white coat. A man she was approaching. The same man she was always walking towards.
Sometimes it’s only her and that man. Sometimes there are other people. Today fell into the latter category. She spotted a girl next to the man, squatted against the wall. It was Tiffany. Head buried in her knees.
Stop. Stop. Turn around. Turn around now!
The man looked up when he noticed her. His face was expressionless, blank, neutral, no different than staring at a piece of paper, but with practiced ease, a sympathetic smile took over. She didn’t want his pity. She didn’t want anything from him. She just wanted to leave. Leave now before it’s too late. Leave. Leave. Leave.
“Miss Jung Sooyeon?”
No. Please no. Walk away. Walk away walk away walk away!!!
She nodded, the movement stiff and rigid. The man wasn’t smiling anymore. Instead, he pushed open the door before him. The fake tenderness in his voice made her want to puke.
“Come with me.”
He disappeared into the room beyond the door. She was about to follow when she felt eyes on her. She looked down and there it was. Tiffany had angled her head slightly just so she could peek up and stare at her. It was a terrifying sight. Those were the emptiest eyes she’d ever seen.
“Miss Jung?”
She snapped back to attention and left Tiffany to enter the room. But what she saw there made her heart clench.
Get out of there. Get out get out get out! I don’t want to see this! I don’t want to see this!
There was a table in the centre of the room. And on it, covered by a pure white sheet, was a body. Her throat tightened even as the man gently beckoned her closer. She took baby steps forward.
He stood next to the table, his eyes cast downward. “I’m sorry. There was nothing else we could have done.”
No! This isn’t real. This isn’t real!
She felt light headed. She couldn’t breathe properly and the pain in her chest was excruciating.
This is a dream. Wake up, Jessica. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
She arrived next to the table, and then she saw it. Hair spilled on the table from under the sheet. Long, straight, black hair.
She stopped breathing.
Black hair that was dyed deep red with dried blood.
Wake up wake up wake up wake up stop it stop it this isn’t real wake up wake up stop stop stop stop stop-
The man grabbed hold of the sheet.
¬-stop stop stop no no don’t do it please wake up wake up WAKE UP!!! I don’t want to see this! NO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE…!!-
He lifted it.
-please…
Stop.
--
Jessica’s eyes shot open.
Everything was dark. Quiet. Cozy.
Comfortable.
She took a deep breath before she dared asses her surroundings. She was in her room. On her bed. One hand raised above her head. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She exhaled slowly.
It’s just a nightmare.
Jessica turned to her side, curling herself into a ball as she pulled the covers closer to her body. She briefly glanced at the digital clock on her bedside table. It read 5:12 a.m. Much too early for her to be up. She closed her eyes.
Just a nightmare.
When she opened her eyes next, she knew something was wrong. It was bright again, with sunlight streaming in from her windows. She frowned. How could this be? It felt like she hadn’t slept a wink. One of her hands automatically shielded her vision from the glaring light while the other reached out to grab her clock. But it was her hand that was grabbed instead.
Jessica froze.
The foreign hand held hers gently by the wrist before gradually moving upwards to intertwine their fingers. Tentatively, Jessica dropped the arm covering her eyes, allowing her to see who the body next to her on the bed belongs to. In her heart she knew, but she had to be sure.
The other person smiled, her long, straight black hair splayed out on the pillow.
“Sica.”
“…Yuri,” a lazy smile spread through Jessica’s features. She relaxed, her hand gripping Yuri’s tightly. “Why are you here?”
Yuri’s smile grew wider. She brought Jessica’s hand to her lips, brushing a soft kiss on the latter’s knuckles. “What are you talking about? I’m always here.”
Jessica watched as Yuri’s lips made contact with her hand, feeling a buzzing warmth coursing through her body from that point. Without another word, she inched closer to the taller girl. Yuri quickly understood what Jessica wanted, shifting accordingly. When the lithe girl was close enough, Yuri put her free arm around her waist, pulling their bodies together.
Jessica instantly wrapped her arm around Yuri, nuzzling her head into the crook of her neck. “I missed you.”
Yuri chuckled. “I was here yesterday. And the day before that. And before that too. I’m here everyday.”
“It’s not enough,” Jessica murmured. “It’s never enough.”
The taller girl ran her hand soothingly up and down Jessica’s back. “You had a nightmare just now, didn’t you?”
The images flashed vividly in her mind. The bright hallway, her heavy footfalls, the man in the white coat, Tiffany’s empty eyes, the table in the room, the hair spilling out from under the sheet. And then, the face under the sheet.
Jessica closed her eyes, trying to shake off the images. But it’s not easy to forget something she kept seeing. She pressed herself closer to Yuri, needing the contact, the warmth. “It’s the same one. It’s always the same one.”
Yuri gently cradled the back of Jessica’s head, softly stroking her hair. “I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t protect you.”
The blonde remained silent for a while, but then nodded against Yuri’s neck. “Yes, this is all your fault. You fail as a seobang.”
Yuri pulled away slightly and then leaned down to press their foreheads together. Jessica opened her eyes at this gesture, staring deeply into Yuri’s dark brown orbs that she could see her own reflection. The tanned girl smiled small.
“What can I do to make up for it?”
Jessica brought her hand up to Yuri’s face, lovingly brushing back some strands of hair, before tenderly tracing her features. She took her time, her fingers leisurely making their way across Yuri’s eyebrow, and then down to her well defined nose and out again to her smooth cheek. Her eyes followed the path of her digits in her determination to commit what she saw with what she felt to memory. She never wants to forget this face. She wanted it ingrained into her very soul.
Her fingers went lower to the line of Yuri’s jaw and then lower to the tip of her chin, before going up again -completely missing her lips- to finally rest over her philtrum. She looked back up to lock eyes with Yuri once more, and in the other, she found questions. She didn’t answer them; instead she moved her fingers down to push against her lips.
“Kiss me.”
Jessica wasn’t sure if she imagined Yuri’s moment of hesitation, but when her fingers were pulled away and those lips plant themselves on hers in the next, she forgets all about it. The kiss was light and chaste, with Yuri tenderly stroking the side of her face. It wasn’t enough. She needed it to be stronger. Rougher. She needed it to mirror how much she craved for this. How much she wanted Yuri. She needed Yuri to need her.
Her arms wrapped around Yuri’s neck as she forcefully deepened the kiss. Yuri instantly complied, and she didn’t know when it happened or who did it, but suddenly she’s on her back and moaning into Yuri’s mouth. She felt Yuri straddle her hips, kissing her harder. Just like she wanted. She let them get lost in each other, let their bodies press painfully together, let their hands wander, and she enjoyed it.
It was only when her hands slipped underneath Yuri’s tank top and felt around the small of her back that Yuri broke the kiss. Jessica sensed that hesitance again, and she tried to swallow the uneasiness it brought.
Yuri pushed herself up just enough to look at her face, though Jessica could still feel Yuri’s breath. “Are you sure?”
To her, it wasn’t a question that needed to be asked. Jessica swiftly nodded, and then crushed their mouths back together.
No other words were exchanged between them beyond that point. Only breaths, moans, groans, pants, whimpers, and names. Jessica pulled off Yuri’s top; Yuri pulled off everything. And when their bare flesh converged, Jessica hissed. A new reaction. Yuri seemed to like that reaction, and repeatedly ground their bodies together, almost driving Jessica mad with the friction.
It only made her want more.
Jessica bit down on Yuri’s lip, and the latter immediately got the message. She moved lower, her mouth making love to Jessica’s neck, and then shoulders, and then breasts. Jessica writhed and squirmed, fisting Yuri’s hair as she buried her face into the pillow. Then Yuri’s fingers enclose around a hardened nub, giving it the same treatment as her mouth, and Jessica had to remind herself to breathe.
“Yuri-yah…Yuri-yah…”
This was it. This was what she wanted. This feeling, Yuri here with her, the warmth, the intimacy, the desire, making her feel like she’d only dreamt about. She pulled Yuri back up when she felt the other about to go down. Even though she wanted it, of course she wanted it, but the uneasiness within her grew in strength proportionally to how far Yuri was from her sight. She couldn’t let her go. She had to keep her close.
“Don’t leave me.”
Yuri frowned, but kept the momentum of their love making going. She kissed her lips, her neck, kissed her way to Jessica’s ear. “I’m right here.”
Her hand found Jessica’s, intertwining their fingers. “I’m right here, Sica.”
The uneasiness was still there, but so was the warmth. And that, coupled with the sincerity in Yuri’s eyes, was enough to reassure her. These were the eyes she was drawn to. These were the eyes she wanted to wake up to every morning. She still does.
“I love you.”
It wasn’t the first time she said those three words, yet it never ceased to amaze her how it never feels enough. She locked her elbow around Yuri’s neck.
“I love you, Yuri. I love you so much.”
Yuri smiled. “I love you too, Sica,” she lowered her head to an inch of Jessica’s lips. “I love you too.”
And then Jessica gasped, the very sound being drowned by Yuri’s kiss. Yuri moved slowly inside of her, the motions practiced, hitting all the right spots, and eliciting all the right reactions. Jessica bucked, her body rocking against that of her lover’s. Yuri picked up the pace, her thumb circling, her fingers curling, again and again and again to the point Jessica pulls away from the kiss just to breathe.
Each breath repeated Yuri’s name. Yuri Yuri Yuri Yuri Yuri…
…until finally, with one last delirious cry, Jessica sunk back down on the bed. Yuri held her close, still inside her, still kissing her. Jessica lightly caressed Yuri’s face and did her best to return the kisses with the same fervor. She didn’t realize when it happened, but tears were streaming down from her eyes. Yuri carefully wiped them away with the back of her hand.
“Wow,” Yuri’s mouth cracked into a lopsided grin. “Am I that good?”
Jessica snorted, which was hard to do in her euphoria. But when Yuri’s arrogantly dorky grin didn’t disappear, she laughed and slapped Yuri’s arm. “You’re so full of yourself.”
Yuri kept smiling, but her gaze softened. “Don’t cry. I hate seeing you cry.”
She opened her mouth to answer, something, anything, but suddenly words seemed to elude her, so she merely nodded.
“Good,” Yuri replied, finally withdrawing her fingers and settling down next to her on the bed.
Jessica bit her lower lip at the shudders that rippled up her spine, but the sensations were numbed. She felt sleepy, and dreamy. She blinked rapidly, trying to water the sleepiness away, but it persisted. Instead, now she felt dizzy and tingly too.
Not yet.
She tried to manually rub the sleep from her eyes, but was stopped when Yuri grasped her hand. Jessica looked over to the other side of the bed. Her uneasiness came back with a vengeance.
Yuri lied there on her side, smiling at her fondly, in her tank top and shorts. Wait. She was pretty sure she took those off.
“Yuri…why-”
Yuri silenced her with a finger on her lips. “Sica-yah…where are you now?”
Jessica furrowed her brows. What kind of question was that? Wasn’t it obvious? She blinked and ultimately closed her eyes, the brightness blinding her.
“Where…?”
Why the hell was it so bright? Her body started to feel heavy.
Not yet. Please.
She gulped. “I’m…here, with you.”
Yuri’s palm covered over her closed lids. It blocked out more of the light and for a moment, she relished it. But when she felt Yuri’s breath next to her ear suddenly, the sinking feeling began to toss her stomach around, making the bile shoot up to her throat.
“Then,” Yuri whispered, “you need to wake up.”
“No!” she blurted, her hands already clenching down on Yuri’s, but she couldn’t pull it away from her eyes. “No, Yuri! I’m not ready yet!”
She pulled. She pushed. But Yuri’s hand wouldn’t budge. She started to trash against it.
No! No!
She needed to see her. Why won’t Yuri let her see her?
Yuri kissed her temple, a simple kiss, but it stopped her trashing.
“Yuri-”
“Yes, you are, Sica. And remember…I’m always here.”
The weight on her eyes lifted.
“Now wake up.”
--
Jessica jolted awake, her body bolting from the bed.
She slumped there frozen for exactly two seconds with only the sound of her breathing to accompany her. And then slowly, she turned her head to look at her bedside table.
12:05 p.m. gave way to 12:06 p.m.
She breathed another few breaths.
And the tears welled in her eyes.
--
Tiffany heard the sleep infused protest first, and then the creaking of the bed at the sudden strong movement, and finally the sob. She immediately dropped what she was doing and headed for the room where the noises originated from. It wasn’t often that the sob turned into a full blown wailing session, but she wasn’t about to take that chance. She let it happen at first. Thought she deserved it. But it had been too long now. This had to stop.
She needed to protect herself from the guilt. It was what that person would have wanted.
She swung open the door that was never even closed. If she thought that one day the sight wouldn’t bother her anymore, obviously that day hadn’t come yet. If she thought she had hardened her heart to deal with this, obviously she was wrong. Her gaze had softened the very instant she saw the girl on the bed it wasn’t even funny.
“Jessica.”
It hadn’t been easy figuring out what to say to her, but over time she had learned that her name was best. It usually went unacknowledged, though in her opinion, that was better than the ‘are you okay’s’ that were met with either anger or more crying.
As expected, the girl on the bed didn’t respond. Even as she approached, the girl just continued to lean towards the empty space beside her. She was turned away, and her hair hung around her face, but even then Tiffany knew without a shadow of doubt that she was staring at that empty space. Perhaps, no, not perhaps…she knew exactly what the girl was looking at.
This scene was a repeat of many others that had come before it after all. Sometimes it was the dinner table, sometimes the couch in the living room, sometimes the bathroom, sometimes the balcony. The location didn’t matter. It was who she saw there that matters.
Yuri. Jessica manifested Yuri in her dreams. And in there, Yuri could be anywhere. Tiffany could only imagine how real the dream must have seemed for Jessica to still be grasping for her even after she wakes. It didn’t help that everything around the house just served to further remind her of Yuri.
Tiffany closed the gap between them and sat on the bed. She made sure a smile was plastered on her face. “Jessi. You’re up!”
It was the blonde’s choice to keep torturing herself in a place full of their memories. If so, then at the very least, she had no intention of adding to it. One way to overcome something is by not talking about it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t allowing Jessica the freedom to grief. She knew what it was like, and she knew it was inevitable. But this wasn’t grief. It was plain denial.
“Wow, did you get a new or special alarm clock or something? You’ve been waking up at the same time everyday recently. I don’t even have to do anything.”
Jessica’s only response was that of a sharp intake of air. Her palms were flat against the surface of the bed, as though feeling for just a hint of something that should be there. But there was nothing there. And there never will be. She needed to accept that.
Even so, to dream of Yuri on the very bed they used to share…Tiffany had to admit that Jessica’s dreams had a sadistic way of being cruel.
Tiffany brushed some hair away from Jessica’s face. The latter’s eyes were filled to the brim. It was times like these that Tiffany couldn’t bring herself to be hard on the other. Jessica already looked so frail as she is. The tears only added more to that.
“Jessi-”
“It’s okay,” Jessica suddenly and instantly pulled away from the attempted hug. “I’m fine,” she mumbled, wiping at her eyes. “She hates it when I cry.”
Tiffany watched Jessica wipe the tears away, inwardly cringing at the last sentence. She never liked it when Jessica speaks that way.
But nevertheless she smiled. “Okay. So? Are you going to tell me your newfound waking up method?”
Jessica seemed to flinch at the question and Tiffany was ready to apologize but then the smallest of a smile formed on the former’s lips, so she didn’t. She absolutely didn’t like it that she had to tiptoe around the other’s volatile moods.
“She can’t stay. So she wakes me up.”
Tiffany’s smile faltered. Stop talking like that, was what she really wished she could say. However, it didn’t leave her thoughts. Instead, she got up and headed for the windows where she threw the curtains open. More light flooded the room. Jessica squinted.
“Since you’re up, and it’s such a beautiful weekend afternoon, what say you we go out? Shopping?” Tiffany asked from the window.
Jessica finally looked at her, but it was only to shake her head in refusal. “You go ahead. I don’t feel like going out.”
It was an expected answer, but she wasn’t one to concede easily. If she was she would have walked out on this long ago.
“You never feel like going out,” she chided. “Come on, you can’t stay cooped indoors forever. Let’s get some fresh air.”
Jessica shook her head again. “Maybe some other time.”
“That’s what you said last time. When is that ‘other time’ going to come?”
The other merely shrugged. “It’ll come when it comes.”
Tiffany began to feel the slightest twinge of frustration. “Jessi, this isn’t healthy. You never go out anymore.”
“Because I don’t want to. Can’t you just leave it at that?”
Jessica glared at Tiffany, making her own mild irritation known. The latter steeled her jaw. The former sighed. “My answer is no, Tiffany. So please, just let me be.”
If she had been just a random somebody, if she knew what was good for her, that would have been her cue to say okay and leave the room. Probably she could even throw in a comment about getting some lunch later when she felt like it. But she wasn’t a random somebody. No, she wasn’t a random somebody at all.
“Well my answer is no too.”
Jessica stopped in midst of pulling the covers over her body. “What?”
Tiffany marched right up to the bed and grabbed the covers away. “No, I’m not going to let you be.”
The glare intensified. Tiffany stood her ground. She didn’t have a reason to be scared. She knew it was just a cover. Inside, Jessica was vulnerable. And if she kept going, she knew she would hurt her. But she had no choice. She did her research. Spoke to all the right people. And they all came to the same conclusion.
“You have to stop this, Jessica. This is getting ridiculous.”
“What? Stop what? What’s getting ridiculous?”
“This!” Tiffany gestured her hands to her surroundings. She let her eyes wander for good measure too, but eventually fixed them back to the girl on the bed. “You not leaving the house! You talking like she’s still around! Just…stop it.”
She expected her to say something, anything. But all Jessica did was clench her fists into the sheets.
“I know what you’re doing. You can’t move on, so you’re just stuck here! You won’t leave the house because it’s filled with memories of the both of you! That’s why you won’t let me take you out, cause you’re afraid of making memories that she’s not a part of! For Christ’s sake, Jessi, you won’t even let me rearrange the furniture!”
She remembered how every time she moved something to change the environment; she’d find it back to its original spot the very next day. She kept at it till the point Jessica told her to stop. When Jessica remained adamant despite her reasoning, that’s when she knew.
“This isn’t going to bring her back, Jessi. Wake up!”
Jessica’s knuckles were white. She was still glaring, though Tiffany noticed the wetness building at the sides of her eyes.
“You don’t understand.”
That’s all she says. That’s all she ever says. You don’t understand. You don’t understand. Well, what exactly didn’t she understand?
“I don’t? Then enlighten me.”
She wasn’t going to accept that pathetic excuse this time.
Jessica breathed heavily. The sheets looked as though they were about to tear under her hold. “She’s here…with me.”
“I don’t see anybody.”
“Because you can’t! She’s…she’s in my dreams!”
Finally.
“Are you even listening to yourself? She’s in your dreams! Your dreams Jess. You created her. She isn’t real.”
Tiffany could see the smaller girl struggling to swallow, struggling to hold back her tears, and she wanted nothing more than to just take everything back. She didn’t want to hurt her. This wasn’t what was asked of her, right?
“She talks to me--”
No, she couldn’t let Jessica keep living in her world of make believe either. She couldn’t keep entertaining Jessica’s whims about this Yuri she sees in her dreams. Yuri was gone. And nothing was going to change that fact.
“Really? She talks to you? Well what does she say? Does she tell you how beautiful heaven is? How she’s been spending her days in the company of divine beings? Or does she tell you that she loves you? That she misses you? Things that she has told you before, things that you know, things that you can make her say?”
Jessica’s tiny body was trembling. Tiffany begged silently for forgiveness. She was about to cross a line, but she couldn’t back down here. She clenched her fists.
“She can’t talk to you, Jessica!” her nails dug into her palms. Please forgive me. “She’s dead!”
Tiffany immediately felt the strength leave her legs. She backed into the nearest wall, letting herself slide down to a crouch. Her breath was unsteady as she watched the tears roll down the other girl’s cheeks.
“You need to accept that. Please.”
She buried her head in her knees, trying in vain to somehow drown out the choked sobs, the strangled cries. There was nothing she hated more than having to deal with the aftermath. With Jessica, it almost felt like everyday was the day Yuri died. She closed her eyes and placed her palms over her ears, but then the blinding hospital lights began flashing behind her lids.
Why do you do this to me, Yuri?
“Get out.”
Tiffany snapped up at the sudden utterance. Jessica wasn’t looking at her, her head angled down, but she could still see the tears dripping off her chin onto the sheets.
“Jessi-”
The other didn’t let her finish. “You think…I need you…to tell me that?”
Her voice was cracking, and raspy, and in pain. She was almost spitting her words. Tiffany unconsciously flinched.
“Get out. Get the fuck out.”
“Jessica-”
“Get. Out.”
Tiffany shut her mouth at once. The anger in Jessica’s eyes wasn’t one she wanted to stoke further. Unlike most people, Jessica’s anger was not explosive. It was slow burn. It gave her chills. There was no use trying to reason with her any longer. The girl was already beyond that point.
She stood up slowly. Jessica’s cold glare didn’t leave her form. She sighed, and nodded her head just slightly. “Okay. Come out whenever you feel like it.”
And then Tiffany walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. She leaned on it, counting the seconds in her head. It didn’t take three seconds for the muffled wail to sound.
--
Jessica inhaled, taking in as much air as she could, and felt her lungs and diaphragm expand until they could expand no more, before she finally exhaled. She did this slowly, letting the air escape bit by bit. She let herself deflate. And then she repeated the process. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Drowsiness began to set in. She opened her eyes slowly, still puffy and sore from her crying earlier that day, and peeked at the clock on the wall. It read 4:30.
Not yet.
She inhaled and exhaled again while directing her line of sight elsewhere. The kitchen was first to enter her field of vision. Her eyes took it all in, the shelves and cabinets, the countertop, the sink, the knife holder and chopping board positioned next to the rice cooker, the plates and other cutleries drying on the stand, some other things she could not identify, and then the refrigerator in the corner.
She ran her hand purposefully along the counter as her attention darted from one thing to another. A small smile graced her lips. She saw it then, she heard it, the familiar sound of the knife meeting the chopping board, the figure of Yuri preparing the ingredients for dinner. It always amazed her how evenly Yuri cuts all the vegetables. She would stand to her side and watch, but then Yuri would chide her for being nosy and shoo her away because she was absolutely no help at all. Yuri used to say all the time, that all she had to do was wait for dinner to be served.
So she would sit at the dinner table, and be awed every time a meal fit for a princess was set before her. Yuri would of course, be completely cheesy and tell her that she is a princess. Her princess, while she smiled that dorky grin of hers. Jessica smiled along, leaning back on the dining table chair, watching the scenes play out around her.
In the mornings that she actually woke up, there would be the unmistakable hum of ma juice grinding. Even though she insisted she didn’t want it, Yuri would always grind enough for her as well. Yuri ended up drinking it all. And when Yuri was feeling mischievous, she’d catch the scent of cucumbers lingering in the kitchen. She’d then lock herself in her room and refuse to come out until Yuri got rid of it. But being playful was part of Yuri’s nature. She loved that about the girl too. There wasn’t a dull moment when she was with the younger girl.
Jessica walked towards the living room now, her fingers lightly tracing the armrest of the beige colored two-seater couch. They had spent many hours together on that piece of furniture. Whether it was unwinding after a long day, or weekend late night movies, or just plain lazing around, they did it here. She particularly loved their movie sessions. It was the perfect excuse to snuggle up with Yuri and maybe because it was so comfortable, she’d fall asleep half the time. Yuri never roused her from her slumber, and would instead carry her to bed even though she’d complain the next morning about her missing all the best parts. Then Yuri would take it in herself to fill her in, adding her own flavor to the story. Jessica found that she always liked listening to Yuri more than watching the movie. Maybe that’s why she kept falling asleep.
Her fingers reached the end of the armrest and trailed off the edge. She diverted her attention elsewhere, to the display shelves behind her. A smile pulled at her lips as she approached. The second and third rows were filled with photo frames, all framing precious moments frozen in time. She looked down, and there were more photo albums littering the bottom row. Those were largely filled with Polaroid ones. Yuri liked taking pictures. It was a passion they both shared. Selca’s, twoshots, but also random everyday things. She remembered there was one time Yuri took a shot of a broken plate she accidentally dropped. Said the shards seemed to form the shape of a heart.
She lingered at every frame, her smile growing wider the further she proceeded down the row. There were selca’s of both her and Yuri, and then twoshots of the both of them taken in various places at various times. She let herself delve into each memory. There was one taken at the entrance of the amusement park, and another when they went for a picnic, a plain one taken in their room, and then…Jessica froze. The last one was missing.
She scowled, and quickly scanned around the shelf, but it was nowhere to be found. She started to panic, her eyes frantically darting around. Where was it? Where was it? She chanced a glance at the living room and then she spotted it, standing there proudly on the coffee table next to the couch. In three strides she was there, and only when the frame was safely in her hands did she allow herself to sigh in relief. There was no doubt as to who moved it.
But that was a matter for another day. She lifted the frame, staring intently at the photograph within it. The photo was taken on a certain new year’s day, during the fireworks show. Splashes of color could be seen behind the two figures in the photo. She stared several moments longer, and then she slowly traced her thumb over the smiling Yuri. While doing so her eyes traveled and locked on to the band secured on the third finger of the same hand. The band gleamed in the moonlight.
I still remember what you told me, Yuri.
She extended her fingers to inspect the band more closely. Its pair hung around her neck.
I believe you. I always have.
A creak sounded behind her.
“…Jess?”
Jessica snapped out of her reverie and turned to her name.
Tiffany stood at the door of the guest room. “Wha-Why aren’t you sleeping? It’s-” she glanced at the wall clock, “-almost five in the morning.”
Jessica looked at the clock herself. It read 4:55.
Almost there.
She turned back to Tiffany. Her eyes ached. She didn’t hate the girl. She didn’t even dislike her. Not at all. She knew that Tiffany was trying to help. But it was as she always said. Tiffany didn’t understand.
“I’ll be in soon. Just get back to bed, Tiffany.”
Tiffany stayed by the door for a few seconds longer, but when it was clear that Jessica had no intention of budging, she conceded. Her form retreated back into her room.
“Oh, and Tiffany?”
Jessica looked back at the photo frame in her hands. She didn’t need to see to know she had the other girl’s attention. “Stop moving things around.”
Her tone carried an air of finality to it, and it was one that Tiffany seriously needed to respect. She was met only with silence, but silence was an answer too. The door clicked shut many seconds later.
She headed back towards the shelf and returned the frame to its original spot. Glancing one last time at the smiling faces of Yuri and herself, she headed now towards her room. She smiled upon entry, the familiarity seizing her at once. This was the place where they were most intimate. She sat on the bed. This was where they shared their bodies, where they shared their hearts. She lied down, breathing in the familiarity, breathing in the scent. Yuri’s scent. She could still remember it and it was as clear as though Yuri was right next to her.
She let herself get pulled in by that familiarity, by the feeling of Yuri’s arms wrapped around her, the whispering of sweet nothings in her ear to lull her to sleep. Her eyes drifted to a close, the last thing she saw being the time on her bedside clock.
5:05 a.m.
At first there was nothing.
Nothing but darkness.
Nothing but blankness.
Nothing but the back of her eyelids.
Nothing but silence.
Nothing but sleep.
But then she heard it. That unmistakable hum. She felt the warmth of the morning sun coming in through the windows; she felt the lingering body heat on the mattress. There was even the smell of breakfast in the air. Taking in all of this, a smile spread across her lips.
As though sensing her state of consciousness, the humming abruptly halted. Footsteps drew closer to the room, stopping briefly at the door and then coming in completely. She smiled wider as the mattress next to her sagged with the weight of the other person. And when she felt fingers softly caressing her cheek, she finally opened her eyes.
It was bright again, as it always was. But that didn’t matter. Before her was the same familiar form. The same long, black hair, the same dark brown orbs, the same defined nose, the same smooth cheek, the same pink lips with the same dorky grin.
She placed her hand over the one on her cheek.
“Good morning…Sica-yah.”
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A/N: Um…the inspiration for this came from a scene from a trailer of a random horror movie, though I didn’t know it was a horror movie at that time. Female character wakes up on the bed and sees male character lying there looking back at her. So yea, that was my inspiration and I’m sure you all can see where I used that in here.
If any of you are wondering about the many, many unanswered questions revolving around this piece, like what is Tiffany’s part in all this and such, then you have every right to have those questions. This could be read as a standalone, but there’s another part planned that will provide a bigger picture. Hopefully that will be posted soon.
And I was supposed to have a YulTi and another YulSic piece up before this one, but they both suffered a setback. The YulTi piece lost momentum, and the YulSic piece is just…it needs revision. Hopefully those two will be up soon too.
Anyway, thank you for your time in reading this.