Life.
Recently I have found myself pitted in one bad situation after another, and it sucks. I have been finding myself seeking support from trusted female friends. Must be that desire for a motherly figure that i want to have. Yeah, I have a mother, but she is not really there... mentally. She has not been around since I was about 10... that was when it clicked and her disorder took over. She really.. is not .. there..at all. And i miss her.
That would most likely be the reason that I try finding so much in girls. Guess I am trying to find my mother. Probably also why I try to understand everything that you do and say.. you... yes you... fucking you.
hahaha... secret message there... .. HAHAHA.. there is no way anyone could figure out who that was directed at... cuz it applies to so many people. HAHAHAHA
evilness.
... so yeah
no I am not drunk.. again.. no not at all..
not pouring out my heart for you to read, and to think you know.
I just wish I had myself a wife again, to love and hold all day long.
Seriously, I know that everyone hated crystal, but .God.Damnit. she rocked... always held each other so much, and fixed our problems together. I love her.
Still do, ......will when i have children with someone else that will love aswell... i will still .love. her then... it will just never end. And in some ways that sucks, but i like thinking about the the good things to do with the fact that i will always love her. and that she will always be standing next to me... in my mind.
Like when i get fucked up at a party... i see her walking around in my head... standing next to me..chilling. ...just.. being my girl. And always being there with me. that is why i stare off when i get drunk... because i see crystal walking around. ..it's kind of weird, but i like it cuz i get to see her.
I loved that... and i miss my girl.
---
life has been sucking alot lately.
BUT HEY@!.. got my back covered again, maybe I can sleep peacefully again without worrying about covering more of my shit than i needed to. It is good to have my brother back that i know ACTUALLY HAS SOME FUCKING BALLS and will do whatever is necessary to cover a brothers ass... which i in-turn do for ALL of my friends.
All of them... without a hesitation.
....
\
shit everything I have been ranting about in this total exposure of myself, bullshit posting crap... i hate revealing this stuff.. =lucky= I am drunk and don't realize any of it.... DAMN YOU... all of this posting is about ...'girl' ... how many times have I said that now?
how many? really...
well it is easy to see what i want... just a good, reliable trustworthy girl to take care of and to care for me... someone i can kill people for again. someone to protect and hold. i miss that so fucking much.
.... y.e.i.m. .... i still miss.....
miss her. And it stabs me all of the time.
I am glad that I have gained control of myself and am normal again... but there is this big fucking hole in my heart that leads through to my back. And in this empty hole where there once was a loving knife, now is just...some bloody lumpy skin goop trying to heal and patch up the hole. But it is really big, So I think I need a new knife to fill the spot so I can be 'whole' again...
any knifes out there?
heh get it.
knife
wife
...........
....
..
..
...
fuck off, goodnight.
~0.3~ 3 for sad.
i hope I have not offended anyone cuz this is my ass on the fucking table being served sooooo.. if you read it... then just read..and listen..no being pissed about my opinions this is.>after all.. MY OPINIONS!!..... so leave them be.. I am just trying to have some place where i can say shit and have some real friend call me up, after reading this, and talk to me..so i can get better.
After all, LiveJournal is all about cries for help...
...fuck you, i have alot of typo's... so what... eat it...
~0.3~
.
.. ..
... i miss ...
the you that is gone
That would most likely be the reason that I try finding so much in girls. Guess I am trying to find my mother. Probably also why I try to understand everything that you do and say.. you... yes you... fucking you.
hahaha... secret message there... .. HAHAHA.. there is no way anyone could figure out who that was directed at... cuz it applies to so many people. HAHAHAHA
evilness.
... so yeah
no I am not drunk.. again.. no not at all..
not pouring out my heart for you to read, and to think you know.
I just wish I had myself a wife again, to love and hold all day long.
Seriously, I know that everyone hated crystal, but .God.Damnit. she rocked... always held each other so much, and fixed our problems together. I love her.
Still do, ......will when i have children with someone else that will love aswell... i will still .love. her then... it will just never end. And in some ways that sucks, but i like thinking about the the good things to do with the fact that i will always love her. and that she will always be standing next to me... in my mind.
Like when i get fucked up at a party... i see her walking around in my head... standing next to me..chilling. ...just.. being my girl. And always being there with me. that is why i stare off when i get drunk... because i see crystal walking around. ..it's kind of weird, but i like it cuz i get to see her.
I loved that... and i miss my girl.
---
life has been sucking alot lately.
BUT HEY@!.. got my back covered again, maybe I can sleep peacefully again without worrying about covering more of my shit than i needed to. It is good to have my brother back that i know ACTUALLY HAS SOME FUCKING BALLS and will do whatever is necessary to cover a brothers ass... which i in-turn do for ALL of my friends.
All of them... without a hesitation.
....
\
shit everything I have been ranting about in this total exposure of myself, bullshit posting crap... i hate revealing this stuff.. =lucky= I am drunk and don't realize any of it.... DAMN YOU... all of this posting is about ...'girl' ... how many times have I said that now?
how many? really...
well it is easy to see what i want... just a good, reliable trustworthy girl to take care of and to care for me... someone i can kill people for again. someone to protect and hold. i miss that so fucking much.
.... y.e.i.m. .... i still miss.....
miss her. And it stabs me all of the time.
I am glad that I have gained control of myself and am normal again... but there is this big fucking hole in my heart that leads through to my back. And in this empty hole where there once was a loving knife, now is just...some bloody lumpy skin goop trying to heal and patch up the hole. But it is really big, So I think I need a new knife to fill the spot so I can be 'whole' again...
any knifes out there?
heh get it.
knife
wife
...........
....
..
..
...
fuck off, goodnight.
~0.3~ 3 for sad.
i hope I have not offended anyone cuz this is my ass on the fucking table being served sooooo.. if you read it... then just read..and listen..no being pissed about my opinions this is.>after all.. MY OPINIONS!!..... so leave them be.. I am just trying to have some place where i can say shit and have some real friend call me up, after reading this, and talk to me..so i can get better.
After all, LiveJournal is all about cries for help...
...fuck you, i have alot of typo's... so what... eat it...
~0.3~
.
.. ..
... i miss ...
the you that is gone