Ellen's simple guide to surviving the New Year.
See below.
1. Put on pants. You can not survive the new year without them. Pants are the most important part of this guide. That's why they are number one. Pants, pants, pants. Don't forget them. Not a skirt, you can't survive with a skirt, because it doesn't match the shoes. Pay attention. (Get drunk.)
2. Plastic glasses. Glasses as in cups, as in something to hold your liquor. You can't hold liquor without it. Or champagne. Just make sure it's not the pink champagne. Nothing says cheap floozy like pink champagne, and if you're a cheap floozy, you are not surviving the new year. (Stay drunk.)
3. Zip your pants. This is it's own rule in case you (in all your drunkenness) forget that it is part of putting on the pants. I know that when I'm drunk (every day) that I forget to zip them, and if I forget to do something, it makes me feel better to think that it happens to everyone. (If anyone tries to get you to go to rehab, say no, no, no.)
4. Get yourself some ear plugs. See number seven.
5. Be drunk. This should go without saying. See rule number two. Plastic glasses means you're drinking, which means you should be drunk. If you're not drunk by midnight then there is a problem. Just think of Cinderella. When the clock strikes twelve, you turn into a drunk. Or a pumpkin. Something like that.
6. I forgot what six was, but I'm sure it's not important. You know. If you're drunk by noon instead of midnight, all the better. (hic)
7. Seven goes with number four. And number four is to get ear plugs. Why? I can't remember that either. Oh, maybe it's because that number seven is to scream as the ball drops. And I don't mean as your balls drop (I know, puberty finally hit, how exciting. Notice the way your voice is still pitchy. Maybe next year, tiger) The ball drops in Time Square, the big shiny one. Oooh, shiny.
8. Find your partner in crime. This can be your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, lover, cousin, 'roommate' (wink, wink) or your real live partner in crime. This is for the Scooby Doo gang, Batman and Robin (shout out Portia) or those other ones. Superman and his tights, wonder woman and her lasso. That broad is kinky. And her invisible jet? What is that? I bet it's code for her vibrator.
9. I'm not even sure how many of these there should be. Nine is to get laid. If you're having sex, then you're smiling, if you're smiling then you're happy, if you're happy then it'll be a good year. Sex with yourself doesn't count. See rules eight and five to find out how to have sex.
10. Ten is the most important rule, unless you read number one, and then that is the most important. Really they are all important. This one is to make sure to read and follow Ellen's Guide to Surviving the New Year. Print this out and keep it in your pocket. Refer back to said guide if it's getting close to midnight and you're not drunk, or without pants. REMEMBER RULE ONE.
11. Blow something up. This isn't as important as the rest of them, but fireworks, fire crackers, or some C4 really make it memorable. Try not to stuff too many M-80's in the toilet bowl or your new nickname will be left-ear (Via The Italian Job). Also, if you're going to launch them at people, be sure to be up on your roof, in camouflage, and black paint on your face. If you're wearing your new hot pink polyester pant suit, someone is going to see you. If you are going to do rule thirteen, don't do rule eleven.
12. Something in whale. OoooooooooeeeeeeooooooooEEEEEiiiiiiiiiii. Now, if you speak whale then you know exactly what I said. If not, well, you can make it a point of taking whale lessons in '08.
13. Cover yourself in glowsticks. This is so that your partner in crime won't lose you in the crowd. It's going to happen, you'll turn around and their gone. Just climb up on a lamp post and search for the glowing person. That is your partner in crime. Unless other people do the same thing and then you need to coordinate colors. Blue, green, or purple. Almost like picking out the color for your light saber. If you really want to stand out, go for the rainbow glowsticks, just remember that if you do that, you need to bring your 'roommate'.
14. Kiss. Not now, not then, but at that time when you're supposed to. You know, when your balls drop and the confetti is flowing. Just don't drop your plastic cup. It'll get all over her zipped up pants and that is a party foul. You get the penalty box and you'll miss out on number nine.
15. Wave to Dick Clark. This is important. He's old and needs all the love he can get. Just don't scream out "HEY DICK!" when you see him. He doesn't like that. But I mean, who would. I wouldn't want to hear someone scream out my name if I was named after the pe..the pee...that think you know. I can't even say it. PENIS. Yes. That. Penis. Okay, I can do this. Thankfully the vajayjay isn't called Ellen, unless that's your nickname for it, and then I'm flattered? I should just go on with the rules now.
16. Make sure you're still wearing pants. This is important because if you're durnk, drunk, like (hic) you're supposed to be, then your pants might come off. Especially if you're a naked drunk. Are you a naked drunk? Put your pants back up, and don't forget to zip them. The only time you don't have to wear your pants is if you're on rule number nine, but don't forget, your balls need to drop. The ball droppage.
17. Bake cupcakes. These are for me. I want all kinds of baked goods (But only if you can bake) this is so that you can have the Ellen DeGeneres blessing for the new year. And let me tell you, you don't want to go without it. Send them to me, use a box. I don't want a cupcake stuffed into an envelope. It's messy and I won't eat it, and I won't bless you (sneezes) and then you'll have bad luck all year. This is worse than walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror or opening up a vibrator in the rain. Bad, bad luck.
18. Check on my toaster oven. She might be trying to dive into the tub. This happened last week and I almost lost her. I'm very worried. Even with toaster smut, she might not come back around. She needs calls, cards and balloons. Though if the balloons get too close and she's having a hot flash, they'll stick to the side of her. Please, love on the toaster oven. They are a sad excuse for an appliance. I mean, they are the most under appreciated thing in the kitchen. Besides my vibrator. Don't ask why I keep it in the kitchen. I had to bless it, I didn't know about part of rule seventeen and I opened it in the rain. Consider it a warning.
19. Nineteen is busy having sex. Come back later.
20. Take your pants off and twirl them around your head. You are drunk, it's okay, so is everyone else.
I'd like to thank Portia, the Academy, Sheryl Pantless Crow, and all the drinks that start with alcohol and end with drunk for all the help with this guide. For the condensed version, come back later.
And I know that I promised the continuation of Hands Monday, he's still running into the house. It's one of those slow motion runs. It might be another week before he breaches the door.
Thank you, and Happy New Year.
1. Put on pants. You can not survive the new year without them. Pants are the most important part of this guide. That's why they are number one. Pants, pants, pants. Don't forget them. Not a skirt, you can't survive with a skirt, because it doesn't match the shoes. Pay attention. (Get drunk.)
2. Plastic glasses. Glasses as in cups, as in something to hold your liquor. You can't hold liquor without it. Or champagne. Just make sure it's not the pink champagne. Nothing says cheap floozy like pink champagne, and if you're a cheap floozy, you are not surviving the new year. (Stay drunk.)
3. Zip your pants. This is it's own rule in case you (in all your drunkenness) forget that it is part of putting on the pants. I know that when I'm drunk (every day) that I forget to zip them, and if I forget to do something, it makes me feel better to think that it happens to everyone. (If anyone tries to get you to go to rehab, say no, no, no.)
4. Get yourself some ear plugs. See number seven.
5. Be drunk. This should go without saying. See rule number two. Plastic glasses means you're drinking, which means you should be drunk. If you're not drunk by midnight then there is a problem. Just think of Cinderella. When the clock strikes twelve, you turn into a drunk. Or a pumpkin. Something like that.
6. I forgot what six was, but I'm sure it's not important. You know. If you're drunk by noon instead of midnight, all the better. (hic)
7. Seven goes with number four. And number four is to get ear plugs. Why? I can't remember that either. Oh, maybe it's because that number seven is to scream as the ball drops. And I don't mean as your balls drop (I know, puberty finally hit, how exciting. Notice the way your voice is still pitchy. Maybe next year, tiger) The ball drops in Time Square, the big shiny one. Oooh, shiny.
8. Find your partner in crime. This can be your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, lover, cousin, 'roommate' (wink, wink) or your real live partner in crime. This is for the Scooby Doo gang, Batman and Robin (shout out Portia) or those other ones. Superman and his tights, wonder woman and her lasso. That broad is kinky. And her invisible jet? What is that? I bet it's code for her vibrator.
9. I'm not even sure how many of these there should be. Nine is to get laid. If you're having sex, then you're smiling, if you're smiling then you're happy, if you're happy then it'll be a good year. Sex with yourself doesn't count. See rules eight and five to find out how to have sex.
10. Ten is the most important rule, unless you read number one, and then that is the most important. Really they are all important. This one is to make sure to read and follow Ellen's Guide to Surviving the New Year. Print this out and keep it in your pocket. Refer back to said guide if it's getting close to midnight and you're not drunk, or without pants. REMEMBER RULE ONE.
11. Blow something up. This isn't as important as the rest of them, but fireworks, fire crackers, or some C4 really make it memorable. Try not to stuff too many M-80's in the toilet bowl or your new nickname will be left-ear (Via The Italian Job). Also, if you're going to launch them at people, be sure to be up on your roof, in camouflage, and black paint on your face. If you're wearing your new hot pink polyester pant suit, someone is going to see you. If you are going to do rule thirteen, don't do rule eleven.
12. Something in whale. OoooooooooeeeeeeooooooooEEEEEiiiiiiiiiii. Now, if you speak whale then you know exactly what I said. If not, well, you can make it a point of taking whale lessons in '08.
13. Cover yourself in glowsticks. This is so that your partner in crime won't lose you in the crowd. It's going to happen, you'll turn around and their gone. Just climb up on a lamp post and search for the glowing person. That is your partner in crime. Unless other people do the same thing and then you need to coordinate colors. Blue, green, or purple. Almost like picking out the color for your light saber. If you really want to stand out, go for the rainbow glowsticks, just remember that if you do that, you need to bring your 'roommate'.
14. Kiss. Not now, not then, but at that time when you're supposed to. You know, when your balls drop and the confetti is flowing. Just don't drop your plastic cup. It'll get all over her zipped up pants and that is a party foul. You get the penalty box and you'll miss out on number nine.
15. Wave to Dick Clark. This is important. He's old and needs all the love he can get. Just don't scream out "HEY DICK!" when you see him. He doesn't like that. But I mean, who would. I wouldn't want to hear someone scream out my name if I was named after the pe..the pee...that think you know. I can't even say it. PENIS. Yes. That. Penis. Okay, I can do this. Thankfully the vajayjay isn't called Ellen, unless that's your nickname for it, and then I'm flattered? I should just go on with the rules now.
16. Make sure you're still wearing pants. This is important because if you're durnk, drunk, like (hic) you're supposed to be, then your pants might come off. Especially if you're a naked drunk. Are you a naked drunk? Put your pants back up, and don't forget to zip them. The only time you don't have to wear your pants is if you're on rule number nine, but don't forget, your balls need to drop. The ball droppage.
17. Bake cupcakes. These are for me. I want all kinds of baked goods (But only if you can bake) this is so that you can have the Ellen DeGeneres blessing for the new year. And let me tell you, you don't want to go without it. Send them to me, use a box. I don't want a cupcake stuffed into an envelope. It's messy and I won't eat it, and I won't bless you (sneezes) and then you'll have bad luck all year. This is worse than walking under a ladder, or breaking a mirror or opening up a vibrator in the rain. Bad, bad luck.
18. Check on my toaster oven. She might be trying to dive into the tub. This happened last week and I almost lost her. I'm very worried. Even with toaster smut, she might not come back around. She needs calls, cards and balloons. Though if the balloons get too close and she's having a hot flash, they'll stick to the side of her. Please, love on the toaster oven. They are a sad excuse for an appliance. I mean, they are the most under appreciated thing in the kitchen. Besides my vibrator. Don't ask why I keep it in the kitchen. I had to bless it, I didn't know about part of rule seventeen and I opened it in the rain. Consider it a warning.
19. Nineteen is busy having sex. Come back later.
20. Take your pants off and twirl them around your head. You are drunk, it's okay, so is everyone else.
I'd like to thank Portia, the Academy, Sheryl Pantless Crow, and all the drinks that start with alcohol and end with drunk for all the help with this guide. For the condensed version, come back later.
And I know that I promised the continuation of Hands Monday, he's still running into the house. It's one of those slow motion runs. It might be another week before he breaches the door.
Thank you, and Happy New Year.