This is LONG overdue.
I typed up an apology to someone who I'd love to consider a close personal friend of mine again, and felt that I should make it less personal and just throw it out as a blanket statement to all. This in no way detracts from the original apology I've already given to said friend, in case you read it here first. It is also just as heartfelt to everyone else, I mean everything said below.
This is long overdue to a lot of people, so I'm hoping it will tide some folks over until I get around to making more personal apologies. As it turns out, I have a LOT of shit to apologize for to a LOT of different people, so if you're reading this and you're one of them... You're not forgotten. This is a public post. All comments are screened, but please leave your email address and I will respond if you make the effort to comment.
I realize that I'm an overbearing asshole and that I say or do things that really piss people off, but unless I know precisely what's going on when it's happening, there's nothing I can do to stop me from saying or doing said things until it's too late to fix them. Please understand that saying I'm sorry doesn't feel like it's nearly enough to make up for the bullshit, and the financial strain, and the drama, the emotional and physical injuries I've caused, and for just being such a complete and total tool to everyone I've ever loved -- even those who find it somewhat endearing. I feel there's no way to make up for the things that I've done, and I know there's a whole fuckin' laundry list of crimes against my friends that makes me a much shittier person than I ever gave myself credit for.
I sincerely miss having true friends, I miss getting to hang out, and I miss spending time with them. I'm assuming that I've only a marginal idea of what I truly did to screw those relationships up. I had a bunch of good times with my friends, and I fucked up badly in many different situations that I'm currently aware of.
To everyone who deserves a personal apology, please give me a little more time. I am working on it. I've only done a couple so far, but that's going to change as soon as I'm able to get a hold of you individually.
I would give all that I am to take every bad thing I've ever done back. I promise. I understand my word means shit to most-if-not-all of you, but this isn't a scam. If I could take every pain I've caused back to hell with me, I would do it, no question asked.
I've fucked over great friendships with so many wonderful people, over what (at the time) I figured were trivial slights and odd jokes. For what? Because I was busy being a drunk, stupid asshole? I'm terrified of what I've become, and I've been trying so hard to figure out what is wrong with me that I wake up in the mornings stressed and go to bed at night crying. Every single day. My primary concern is that I need to be told what's wrong... I can't just see it or figure it out on my own until way too late. I mean, hell, this apology in and of itself is way too little, way too late -- but I'm still trying.
Some of you did tell me what was up when it was going on, and I had my head so far up my ass that I didn't know it wasn't all a joke until there were no more jokes to be had. I forgot what it meant to care about people for a long time, because I thought that caring about people is what lead to me being hurt time and time again. This is in no way an excuse for my actions. As it turns out, I've come to the realization that the only times I've been hurt are when I've hurt people first.
To everyone, I'm asking you for another chance to be your friend. Also, I beg you understand that I am attempting to change my life: get back some of the friends I've lost, make some new ones, and enjoy more of what life has to offer. I'm truly sick of being "that asshole that hit on my boyfriend" or "that fucking negative bitch" or "that overbearing whore" or "that guy with the tiny cock and matching personality" or whatever other names I've heard thrown around about me. I deserve it all, there is no denying that.
If you're okay with telling me that I'm seriously being an asshole and I should quit it before I cross the line, I'd greatly appreciate it. Don't feel bad about bapping me with a newspaper in a social situation, even if I'm in mid-sentence -- I know I'm socially retarded in the worst of ways, but the only way I'm gonna get better is by the help of friends willing to grill me about it. Shout at me if you have to. Please, help me become a better person so that I can help myself toward a better remaining lifetime.
I'm not asking this for charity or anything, so if you don't want to make amends with me: I totally understand, I don't hold it against you, and I wish you the best in future endeavors. If you would like to try to rekindle our friendship, please let me know, because I'd like nothing more. I'm sick of regretting having fallen out of your good graces. I feel the same way with everyone I've wronged and subsequently lost as a friend, and am working on coming up with more personal apologies for each of you. For some, I won't remember and/or won't know what I did wrong, regardless of whether or not you told me about it at some time. This doesn't mean that I don't respect you or your take on what happened, only that I was a fucking dumbass and forgot what was most important to me -- You. My once, long-time friends. There is no excuse for my behavior.
I used to have an adage that I lived by. "People wonder why I drink." Well? Now, *I* wonder why I drink. I used to have fun, and everything was a game. For awhile after that, I only drank to silence the memories of my past. Now? Now, I have no idea. Drinking hasn't accomplished anything for me. I've not jumped on the bandwagon or anything, I haven't joined a 12-step program... I just feel like I owe you all -- each one of you -- more than I can give. Please accept the substitution of this apology:
I am sorry.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
This is long overdue to a lot of people, so I'm hoping it will tide some folks over until I get around to making more personal apologies. As it turns out, I have a LOT of shit to apologize for to a LOT of different people, so if you're reading this and you're one of them... You're not forgotten. This is a public post. All comments are screened, but please leave your email address and I will respond if you make the effort to comment.
I realize that I'm an overbearing asshole and that I say or do things that really piss people off, but unless I know precisely what's going on when it's happening, there's nothing I can do to stop me from saying or doing said things until it's too late to fix them. Please understand that saying I'm sorry doesn't feel like it's nearly enough to make up for the bullshit, and the financial strain, and the drama, the emotional and physical injuries I've caused, and for just being such a complete and total tool to everyone I've ever loved -- even those who find it somewhat endearing. I feel there's no way to make up for the things that I've done, and I know there's a whole fuckin' laundry list of crimes against my friends that makes me a much shittier person than I ever gave myself credit for.
I sincerely miss having true friends, I miss getting to hang out, and I miss spending time with them. I'm assuming that I've only a marginal idea of what I truly did to screw those relationships up. I had a bunch of good times with my friends, and I fucked up badly in many different situations that I'm currently aware of.
To everyone who deserves a personal apology, please give me a little more time. I am working on it. I've only done a couple so far, but that's going to change as soon as I'm able to get a hold of you individually.
I would give all that I am to take every bad thing I've ever done back. I promise. I understand my word means shit to most-if-not-all of you, but this isn't a scam. If I could take every pain I've caused back to hell with me, I would do it, no question asked.
I've fucked over great friendships with so many wonderful people, over what (at the time) I figured were trivial slights and odd jokes. For what? Because I was busy being a drunk, stupid asshole? I'm terrified of what I've become, and I've been trying so hard to figure out what is wrong with me that I wake up in the mornings stressed and go to bed at night crying. Every single day. My primary concern is that I need to be told what's wrong... I can't just see it or figure it out on my own until way too late. I mean, hell, this apology in and of itself is way too little, way too late -- but I'm still trying.
Some of you did tell me what was up when it was going on, and I had my head so far up my ass that I didn't know it wasn't all a joke until there were no more jokes to be had. I forgot what it meant to care about people for a long time, because I thought that caring about people is what lead to me being hurt time and time again. This is in no way an excuse for my actions. As it turns out, I've come to the realization that the only times I've been hurt are when I've hurt people first.
To everyone, I'm asking you for another chance to be your friend. Also, I beg you understand that I am attempting to change my life: get back some of the friends I've lost, make some new ones, and enjoy more of what life has to offer. I'm truly sick of being "that asshole that hit on my boyfriend" or "that fucking negative bitch" or "that overbearing whore" or "that guy with the tiny cock and matching personality" or whatever other names I've heard thrown around about me. I deserve it all, there is no denying that.
If you're okay with telling me that I'm seriously being an asshole and I should quit it before I cross the line, I'd greatly appreciate it. Don't feel bad about bapping me with a newspaper in a social situation, even if I'm in mid-sentence -- I know I'm socially retarded in the worst of ways, but the only way I'm gonna get better is by the help of friends willing to grill me about it. Shout at me if you have to. Please, help me become a better person so that I can help myself toward a better remaining lifetime.
I'm not asking this for charity or anything, so if you don't want to make amends with me: I totally understand, I don't hold it against you, and I wish you the best in future endeavors. If you would like to try to rekindle our friendship, please let me know, because I'd like nothing more. I'm sick of regretting having fallen out of your good graces. I feel the same way with everyone I've wronged and subsequently lost as a friend, and am working on coming up with more personal apologies for each of you. For some, I won't remember and/or won't know what I did wrong, regardless of whether or not you told me about it at some time. This doesn't mean that I don't respect you or your take on what happened, only that I was a fucking dumbass and forgot what was most important to me -- You. My once, long-time friends. There is no excuse for my behavior.
I used to have an adage that I lived by. "People wonder why I drink." Well? Now, *I* wonder why I drink. I used to have fun, and everything was a game. For awhile after that, I only drank to silence the memories of my past. Now? Now, I have no idea. Drinking hasn't accomplished anything for me. I've not jumped on the bandwagon or anything, I haven't joined a 12-step program... I just feel like I owe you all -- each one of you -- more than I can give. Please accept the substitution of this apology:
I am sorry.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?