(no subject)
Do you know how much I love you? How entirely incapable I was of loving before you? Of course not. You've only seen me at the top of my game. You've seen me love you with everything I have, in every way I know how. You've never seen me weak. You've never seen the other side. And with any luck, you'll never have to.
I'm not good at relationships. Just in general. I'm not good at working through things and talking them out. I'm not good about telling how I feel no matter how it eats away at me. I'm not good at thinking about the future and not wanting so badly to run away as quickly as I can. I'm not good at giving everything I have just to see if it works out. I don't do long distance well. I get lonely and depressed. I get mad more quickly and blame. I get emotional over nothing and I get jealous of every other person who gets to talk to you when I don't. I'll think you don't miss me enough or that you don't care anymore. I'll think you've met someone else when you're really just playing video games with the guys. I'll cry at night by myself and not call you because I don't want you to know how much I'm missing you in case you're not missing me that much. I'll pretend I'm strong and that I'm okay when I'm dying inside. I'll argue on the phone with you just to know you care enough to argue. I'll question you more than before because I'm afraid. Because I don't want to get hurt again... I'll do everything wrong. And I'll hate myself for it. It'll eat away at me. But that's only sometimes....
Other times, I'll make up plans to keep us close. Start a countdown on my wall until I see you. I'll gush about my friends and tell you to go have fun with yours. I'll cry when I see you because you're better looking in person than you are in my dreams and thoughts. I'll hold you tight and when I can't, I'll be wishing I could. I'll be honest with you and you'll never have to worry about me cheating. I'll never cheat. I won't even think of it. I'll be giddy before I get to see you. I'll be unable to sleep even though I'll go to bed at 7pm because I know the sooner I sleep, the sooner I get to see you. I'll bring you little presents and drop you cute emails. I'll kiss you twice as much as I think is possible. I'll listen to your stories and tell you my own. We'll get closer by talking to each other. I'll want you all to myself when I see you, but I'll share.... a little. I'll be just as in love with you, if not more so, even through the distance. I'll hang your pictures everywhere so that you're always around. I'll gush about you to my friends. Even the ones who know the story of how we met, I'll "remind" them. I'll work out for you so when you see me, you're impressed. I'll do anything for you because I adore you. You're so good for me. I want to be good for you. I love you....
I've never been good at relationships. In fact, in many, I've been down right bad. But with you, I'm different. I feel safe in telling you how I feel. I trust you and with good reason. When you say you love me, I believe you. You make me want to be better. I'm going to be better. Because I know how much I have to lose. And I hope you realize what you have to lose. Every day, there is the possibility that you might find someone else.... I'm fighting those odds. I don't think there is a someone else for you... or me, for that matter. You're going to get my 100%, every day. Some days it may be less than it is other days, but you'll never get less. You don't deserve anything less. That's what love is. And I'm doing it well this time. Not perfect, but well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.
When love is not madness, it is not love.
I'm not good at relationships. Just in general. I'm not good at working through things and talking them out. I'm not good about telling how I feel no matter how it eats away at me. I'm not good at thinking about the future and not wanting so badly to run away as quickly as I can. I'm not good at giving everything I have just to see if it works out. I don't do long distance well. I get lonely and depressed. I get mad more quickly and blame. I get emotional over nothing and I get jealous of every other person who gets to talk to you when I don't. I'll think you don't miss me enough or that you don't care anymore. I'll think you've met someone else when you're really just playing video games with the guys. I'll cry at night by myself and not call you because I don't want you to know how much I'm missing you in case you're not missing me that much. I'll pretend I'm strong and that I'm okay when I'm dying inside. I'll argue on the phone with you just to know you care enough to argue. I'll question you more than before because I'm afraid. Because I don't want to get hurt again... I'll do everything wrong. And I'll hate myself for it. It'll eat away at me. But that's only sometimes....
Other times, I'll make up plans to keep us close. Start a countdown on my wall until I see you. I'll gush about my friends and tell you to go have fun with yours. I'll cry when I see you because you're better looking in person than you are in my dreams and thoughts. I'll hold you tight and when I can't, I'll be wishing I could. I'll be honest with you and you'll never have to worry about me cheating. I'll never cheat. I won't even think of it. I'll be giddy before I get to see you. I'll be unable to sleep even though I'll go to bed at 7pm because I know the sooner I sleep, the sooner I get to see you. I'll bring you little presents and drop you cute emails. I'll kiss you twice as much as I think is possible. I'll listen to your stories and tell you my own. We'll get closer by talking to each other. I'll want you all to myself when I see you, but I'll share.... a little. I'll be just as in love with you, if not more so, even through the distance. I'll hang your pictures everywhere so that you're always around. I'll gush about you to my friends. Even the ones who know the story of how we met, I'll "remind" them. I'll work out for you so when you see me, you're impressed. I'll do anything for you because I adore you. You're so good for me. I want to be good for you. I love you....
I've never been good at relationships. In fact, in many, I've been down right bad. But with you, I'm different. I feel safe in telling you how I feel. I trust you and with good reason. When you say you love me, I believe you. You make me want to be better. I'm going to be better. Because I know how much I have to lose. And I hope you realize what you have to lose. Every day, there is the possibility that you might find someone else.... I'm fighting those odds. I don't think there is a someone else for you... or me, for that matter. You're going to get my 100%, every day. Some days it may be less than it is other days, but you'll never get less. You don't deserve anything less. That's what love is. And I'm doing it well this time. Not perfect, but well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.
When love is not madness, it is not love.