"throw away, the ones that make you feel bad"
i figured it out. why i don't like being around people. because i'm never lonely when i'm alone. it takes the presence of another person to make me feel lonely.
that's what made ecuador hell, what made high school hell. hundreds of people and i felt so, so fucking alone. i love spending time by myself, love it more than anything perhaps. but i can't stand feeling alone in a crowd, can't stand sitting in shared loneliness, it depresses me far beyond that which is communicable. because nothing is truly communicable. because we are all so alone and untouchable behind our eyes. i like being untouchable, i like being unknowable, but i hate looking out at the world and knowing that people are just (slightly-less-predictable) robots, fucking furniture for all the good it will ever do me or for the extent that i will actually be able to "know" them. a piled-high, shiny bowl of multicolored candy, old-fashioned peppermint ribbons and gumdrops, so tempting and alluring to the eye of an innocent five year old child. takes a bite and breaks a tooth on the glass, the pretty shiny glass candy. fake. so convincing, but ultimately flavorless as water, nothing but burnt sand.
EDIT: this is one of the most important things i have ever written and i think that i might just print it off and hand it out to anyone who ever tries to talk to me again.
that's what made ecuador hell, what made high school hell. hundreds of people and i felt so, so fucking alone. i love spending time by myself, love it more than anything perhaps. but i can't stand feeling alone in a crowd, can't stand sitting in shared loneliness, it depresses me far beyond that which is communicable. because nothing is truly communicable. because we are all so alone and untouchable behind our eyes. i like being untouchable, i like being unknowable, but i hate looking out at the world and knowing that people are just (slightly-less-predictable) robots, fucking furniture for all the good it will ever do me or for the extent that i will actually be able to "know" them. a piled-high, shiny bowl of multicolored candy, old-fashioned peppermint ribbons and gumdrops, so tempting and alluring to the eye of an innocent five year old child. takes a bite and breaks a tooth on the glass, the pretty shiny glass candy. fake. so convincing, but ultimately flavorless as water, nothing but burnt sand.
EDIT: this is one of the most important things i have ever written and i think that i might just print it off and hand it out to anyone who ever tries to talk to me again.