(no subject)
Title: Memories
Author: defy_darkness
Rating: none
Summary: Billy deals with the loss of Benji
Disclaimer: No actual names embedded in the writing, but I wrote it about Billy and Benji, and I don’t own them, and it’s just a piece of fiction. You know the deal.
Let me know what you think of it please.
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I look around the room and see all of your belongings. The hat you bought off some guy on the street, sits on the edge of the dresser. A pair of your pants still hangs over the arm chair in the corner. Photos of us are wedged in the mirror showcasing how happy we were. Your favourite guitar stands in the corner, just waiting to be played. When I look at all your stuff all I see is you. Every single inanimate object takes on a life of its own.
I walk to our bed. Unconsciously, I lay on ‘my side.’ Flat on my back, I flop my arm down on your side desperately wanting you to be there. I turn to stare at your pillow. It’s still flat from how you like to fold it in half before sliding it under your cheek. I snuggle up to the emptiness of where you should be. Inhaling deeply, I want to remember the scent of you; the scent of us. I shove my face into the sheets trying to memorize the smell before it’s lost forever.
I begin to panic. What if I forget the scent of us? I put all my concentration into trying to memorize it and everything I loved about you: the way you wrinkled your nose when you giggled, the way you scratched your head when you were asked a question that you had to think about, the way you squinted when you were writing new music while trying to play it on your guitar and the way you lay around in your towel after you take a shower.
I hear myself sobbing softly, the cries being diffused by the bedding, now soaked with tears. I roll over and face the wall. The turquoise taunts me. We painted our room only a few months ago. You loved this color; you said it made you happy just to look at it. It now depresses me.
I sit up. All of our memories are haunting me. I can replay any moment we shared, but it’s not the same. I can see you hugging me, but I can’t feel you hugging me anymore. I feel nothing but vast, empty space around me.
I miss you so much. All I see is you when I look around our room; my room. Nothing but memories is all you left behind. These are not objects. They are you. You’ve left pieces of yourself here, including me. I belong to you. I decide to leave all your stuff where you left it, clinging to the hope that you might just walk in and scold me for moving your things around like you always do; like you always did. I drift to sleep.
The darkness begins to turn to gold, and the beams of sunlight burst through the blinds onto me and where you should be. I stare at the nothingness you’ve left me with; all the space you created when you were taken from me.
I hated how you didn’t pick up after yourself. I hated how you were impatient when I was trying to talk on the phone. I hated how you always wore my socks when all of yours were dirty. I hated how you patronized me when I was grumpy. I hated how you teased me about being ‘the woman’ of our relationship. I hated how you always new what I was thinking.
I hated so much about you. It turns out that it’s all of your little idiosyncrasies that I miss the most.
Most of all, I hated how you loved me so much it hurt. I hate myself even more for loving you that much back. I hate myself for closing my eyes so tight when we kissed, for sighing out loud when you hugged me and for loving you more than I could ever love myself.
You were my first everything and my last everything. I hate you for loving me like no other will ever be able to, but I love you for letting me be the one to experience all the love you had to give. Your love will last forever, even if it’s just in my mind.
“The two of us from now until forever.” is what you always told me. I guess forever has come. You’re gone. Forever was not long enough.
Author: defy_darkness
Rating: none
Summary: Billy deals with the loss of Benji
Disclaimer: No actual names embedded in the writing, but I wrote it about Billy and Benji, and I don’t own them, and it’s just a piece of fiction. You know the deal.
Let me know what you think of it please.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I look around the room and see all of your belongings. The hat you bought off some guy on the street, sits on the edge of the dresser. A pair of your pants still hangs over the arm chair in the corner. Photos of us are wedged in the mirror showcasing how happy we were. Your favourite guitar stands in the corner, just waiting to be played. When I look at all your stuff all I see is you. Every single inanimate object takes on a life of its own.
I walk to our bed. Unconsciously, I lay on ‘my side.’ Flat on my back, I flop my arm down on your side desperately wanting you to be there. I turn to stare at your pillow. It’s still flat from how you like to fold it in half before sliding it under your cheek. I snuggle up to the emptiness of where you should be. Inhaling deeply, I want to remember the scent of you; the scent of us. I shove my face into the sheets trying to memorize the smell before it’s lost forever.
I begin to panic. What if I forget the scent of us? I put all my concentration into trying to memorize it and everything I loved about you: the way you wrinkled your nose when you giggled, the way you scratched your head when you were asked a question that you had to think about, the way you squinted when you were writing new music while trying to play it on your guitar and the way you lay around in your towel after you take a shower.
I hear myself sobbing softly, the cries being diffused by the bedding, now soaked with tears. I roll over and face the wall. The turquoise taunts me. We painted our room only a few months ago. You loved this color; you said it made you happy just to look at it. It now depresses me.
I sit up. All of our memories are haunting me. I can replay any moment we shared, but it’s not the same. I can see you hugging me, but I can’t feel you hugging me anymore. I feel nothing but vast, empty space around me.
I miss you so much. All I see is you when I look around our room; my room. Nothing but memories is all you left behind. These are not objects. They are you. You’ve left pieces of yourself here, including me. I belong to you. I decide to leave all your stuff where you left it, clinging to the hope that you might just walk in and scold me for moving your things around like you always do; like you always did. I drift to sleep.
The darkness begins to turn to gold, and the beams of sunlight burst through the blinds onto me and where you should be. I stare at the nothingness you’ve left me with; all the space you created when you were taken from me.
I hated how you didn’t pick up after yourself. I hated how you were impatient when I was trying to talk on the phone. I hated how you always wore my socks when all of yours were dirty. I hated how you patronized me when I was grumpy. I hated how you teased me about being ‘the woman’ of our relationship. I hated how you always new what I was thinking.
I hated so much about you. It turns out that it’s all of your little idiosyncrasies that I miss the most.
Most of all, I hated how you loved me so much it hurt. I hate myself even more for loving you that much back. I hate myself for closing my eyes so tight when we kissed, for sighing out loud when you hugged me and for loving you more than I could ever love myself.
You were my first everything and my last everything. I hate you for loving me like no other will ever be able to, but I love you for letting me be the one to experience all the love you had to give. Your love will last forever, even if it’s just in my mind.
“The two of us from now until forever.” is what you always told me. I guess forever has come. You’re gone. Forever was not long enough.