Fic: Harry Potter; R;
Title: (Padfoot's) Emergency Plan D
Summary: Everyone knows that Sirius Black loves Remus Lupin. Everyone, that is, except Sirius Black.
Rating: R for full frontal nudity... and suggestiveness
Fandom: Harry Potter
Era: MWPP - seventh year
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily
Disclaimer: It all belongs to JK Rowling, not me.
Warnings: Fluff, sexual frustration, discussion of erotic literature, insanity, oblivious!sirius, naked!sirius
AN: Thanks again to shino_hoshi for betaing. Also, I'd just like to say that managing to get the phrase 'Erotica is the answer, my friend' into a fic has made my year. Also - ~8600 words long. Meep!
Everyone in Hogwarts knew that Sirius Black loved Remus Lupin. It was practically a standing joke.
The Hufflepuffs gossiped about it in their common room; the Ravenclaws passed notes about it in the Library; the Slytherins sneered about it down in the dungeons; and the Gryffindors did not even bother to talk about it any more, it was just so obvious. In the staffroom the mere mention of their names together would have most of the professors breaking out in dreamy smiles. Professor McGonagall regarded Sirius with a slightly softer glare than usual when she thought caught him staring at the back of Lupin’s head. Madam Rosmerta at the Three Broomsticks took it all in stride and was always sure to make sure the pair of them had some privacy when they came in for Butterbeers. Even Dumbledore looked at them with a twinkle in his eye - but then he looked at everyone like that (James Potter had been heard to suggest it was the result of a horrific magical accident when he was younger).
Everyone knew Sirius Black loved Remus Lupin, except, of course, for Sirius Black.
It might have been nice if someone had clued him in, but everyone knew, so they all just assumed that he did as well. It was just so obvious. The only people who ever said anything were the Slytherins, but he never listened to them: after all, they were Slytherins.
His friends had tried to tell him as well, of course. Remus in particular, who reciprocated said feelings but could not exactly do anything about them until Sirius woke up a bit and realised what everyone else could see. However, Sirius remained stubbornly impervious to all hints, suggestions and outright statements that Remus could give him.
James had made a valiant attempt, but after a quarter of an hour of hideously complicated Quidditch metaphors, he had ended up yelling ‘why don’t you just snog him already?’ before storming out leaving a bewildered Sirius, wondering who he was meant to snog, staring after him.
Peter also struggled to get through to him, but his deliberate skirting of the topic and stammering of incomplete sentences followed by ‘you know?’ or ‘gettit?’ left both him and Sirius with migraines and Sirius with the vague idea that Wormtail had been hexed so that he could no longer use verbs.
So Sirius was left oblivious, which didn’t so much matter to him, but was a source of great frustration (and not a small amount of amusement) to his friends (particularly Remus).
As he clattered into the library with all the subtlety of an overconfident teenage boy, Madam Pince glared up at him through her narrow spectacles, but as soon as she saw who it was her face softened into an indulgent (and slightly creepy) smile before gesturing to the advanced charms section. Sirius did wonder at this development, for he was fairly certain that the librarian’s favourite activity was glaring at people who made more than seventeen decibels of noise. However, after a second he decided that working in a place filled with so much silence and so many books for so long was sure to turn anyone crazy. He nodded at her uncomfortably before hurrying off in the direction she had pointed. As he walked away he had the unnerving feeling that she was still watching him with her crazy smile and her crazy eyes. He squirmed.
“Hey Moony,” he called out as he rounded the corner into the advanced charms section. He spoke far louder than he needed to in the belief that the sucking black hole of silence that was the Hogwarts library should be filled at any cost. Hearing his voice, Remus glanced up vaguely before turning back to his essay. This, of course, was not on; Remus was not allowed to abandon him for an essay. But he refused to identify the twang of feeling inside him as jealousy and continued to talk.
“Do you think Pince has a secret store of dirty romance books behind her desk?” (She did, but that was beside the point). That, to his satisfaction, got him more attention and Remus turned to face him completely, setting down his quill and raising one eyebrow in disbelief. As he watched Remus’ face, a part of Sirius’ brain he never really listened to registered that he looked particularly handsome in the candlelit glow of the library. As usual, he ignored the nagging feeling that he was missing something and went on. “No, really. She just gave me the weirdest look and I was thinking, if I were her then I’d need something to do all day, only girls don’t really like ¬¬real porn, so it would have to be some girly sort of porn, like dirty romance books-”
“Sirius -”
“- you know the ones.” Sirius continued, watching the way Remus’ fingers stroked along the feather of his quill slowly. He didn’t notice the other boy’s attempt to interrupt his flow. “Those books with the Witch fainting on the front with really low cut robes while a Wizard stands behind her, his wand raised… if you know what I mean.”
“A dead flobberworm would know what you meant, Sirius… but-”
“-She probably reads them all the time, and hides them away when someone comes in or tries to get a book out. No wonder sometimes when you go up there she ignores you for hours. She’s busy reading about Demetrius’ firm biceps flexing as he gazes-” (also true, except it was Gaius the sorcerer, and it wasn’t his biceps).
“Sirius. ” Somehow Remus managed to make a whisper loud enough to interrupt Sirius’ torrid imaginings, but he still was not able to distract him completely.
“What kind of a name is Demetrius, anyway? I’ve never met a Demetrius who could flex a bicep worth a damn.” The amused werewolf chose not to point out that it had been Sirius who had come up with the name in the first place, he wouldn’t have paid any attention anyway. “I mean, look at Demetrius Artichoke -”
“Archibald.”
“He’s got to be the weediest player on the Ravenclaw team. Damn good seeker, I’ll give him that, but that’s the thing. Seekers are tiny, they don’t have anything to flex. If they did they’d never catch up with the snitch, too much resistance. Now, Beaters, they’ve got upper body strength. Gordon Smith, on the Hufflepuff team, he’s built like a bloody wall: muscles everywhere. But no one ever calls their romantic hero Gordon do they, it’s all Demetrius this, and Romeo that and Ethel of the glistening pectorals.”
“Ethel’s a girl’s name.” Remus gave up all pretence of attempting a normal conversation and decided to join in with the insanity. It was always easier if you just grabbed on to Sirius’ train of thought and waited for it to stop. If you tried to halt it mid-flow, there was always a slight worry that you could cause irreparable mental damage (more irreparable mental damage) to both him and yourself.
“That’s what I’m saying, they’re girls’ names,” Sirius said emphatically, grateful that Remus agreed with him. He watched the scrunch lines in between Remus’ eyebrows as the other Gryffindor attempted to keep up with his logic.
“Actually, they’re not… just Ethel. That’s the only girls’ name you’ve mentioned so far.” Sirius waved a hand to indicate just how little that fact mattered to him.
“But they might as well be girls’ names, the amount of muscle you connect them with.”
“I hardly think that’s fair. Gertrude Pollysnook on the Slytherin team is really quite formidable.” Both he and Sirius took a second to grimace at the thought of Gertrude Pollysnook’s glistening biceps crossed their minds.
“Pollysnook’s just… weird,” Sirius said with feeling. He suddenly realised that he was staring vacantly at his companion’s lips and blinked, looking away abruptly. “How did we get onto Pollysnook again?” he asked. Remus sighed in both disbelief at Sirius’ inability to keep up with his own thoughts and relief that he was getting to a pause in the conversation.
“It all started with Madam Pince reading salacious novels. Though I’m not sure why you wanted to talk about that.” He shrugged helplessly but, to his chagrin, Sirius nodded sagely.
“Erotica is the only answer, my friend,” Sirius told him seriously. “Her tragic life, merely sitting behind the desk of boredom in the home of all boredom and loathèd silence, can only be lightened by her attempts to recover the romance of her youth through the reading of literary pornography.” He smiled as though this was the answer to all of life’s problems and Remus sighed again, resisting the urge to pat him on the head and say ‘good puppy’.
“Padfoot, you just used the word ‘loathèd’,” He pointed out. “I think we should get you away from the library.” Sirius nodded, his smile growing: his plan had worked perfectly. He had not really had a chance to put it into effect, but (as with so many of his plans) sheer blind luck had pulled it through in the end and Remus was released from the clutches of the library and once again available for his entertainment. “What did you come to talk to me about anyway?” Remus asked with a sigh. Sirius just shrugged and watched as Remus packed up his books and parchment, slipping them into his bag.
“Doesn’t matter, come on.” He dragged Remus from the library, returning Madam Pince’s indulgent smile with a wink and a grin which he intended to say ‘I know what you’re reading, you saucy library wench’ but which she took to mean ‘don’t worry Remus and I shall never defile your beloved library.’ Communication via winks is always a little bit hit and miss.
On the way up to the Gryffindor Common Room they passed a group of Hufflepuff girls on their way to the Owlery. The hushed chorus of “aww”s they received made Remus give them his customary embarrassed wave as Sirius tugged him past, but merely served to make Sirius a little more confused.
“Do they always do that?” Sirius asked when they got to the next staircase, taking the steps so fast that Remus had to hop in order not to stand on one of the disappearing ones they had charmed during third year.
“Mostly, yes,” he said, trying to keep up with his friend so his shoulder would not be totally dislocated. As they hurried onwards his bag slipped from his shoulder. He just managed to catch the strap in his palm as it fell and hung on desperately so that it flew out behind them. As they rounded a corner, it swung out and almost beheaded a first year. He shouted a hurried apology, but was unsure if the traumatised boy got it as they had already reached the next flight of stairs by the time he had finished it.
“Sirius - what’s going on?” he yelled forwards, as a couple of more experienced fourth years ducked under the low flying school bag and shouted insults after them.
“Don’t know,” Sirius replied.
“Then why are we running?” Remus called back.
“Because I don’t know what’s going on,” Sirius told him, “imagine what incredible things we could be missing. James and Peter could have come up with the prank to end all pranks. McGonagall might have got drunk and started dancing on the table. James and Peter might have turned everyone into rabbits…”
“Or they could be sitting in a corner playing chess while Peter gnaws on his fingernails and James waxes lyrical about Lily,” Remus pointed out, daring to burst Sirius’ bubble.
“Then we must endeavour to save them from their boredom,” Sirius called back, and Remus could hear the grin of triumph that was crossing his face.
“Fine. But if I die before we arrive, tell them that I owe my untimely death to their tediousness and your insatiable curiosity,” Remus said, his voice resigned.
“Will do.”
“And I leave all my belongings to Lily, because she’s the least likely to throw them away.”
There was no reply for a moment before, in a manoeuvre that Remus found it difficult to believe was not aided in some way by magic, Sirius went from top speed to completely still in less than a second. This left Remus, carried by momentum, to run straight into him and send them both tumbling down onto the floor. A few seconds later Remus’ bag collided with his head.
“Ow,” he said with feeling, wishing that he had not put quite as many text books in there, especially the potions book - he had not even opened it, so really its only purpose so far today was to try and knock him unconscious. He might have known: it was a potions book after all, the subject was the bringer of all evil and torment. Voldemort had probably enjoyed potions.
He noticed quite quickly that he was lying on top of Sirius in the middle of a corridor and that Sirius did not seem to consider this weird, nor, regrettably, did the Slytherins who were walking past.
“Keep your sordid little perversions behind closed doors, Black. Do you really need to advertise what a blood traitor freak you are?” Rookwood sneered. The hex that Sirius sent flying his way was pretty much an automatic reaction. Although he did feel far angrier than he usually did about over meaningless Slytherin insults, but he shrugged it off and admired his handiwork. His brain dutifully ignored the fact that his heart was beating a little too fast and blamed it on the pace at which he had taken the last three staircases.
Rookwood, meanwhile, with his body rapidly sprouting a rainbow of fur, swore and turned for the hospital wing, his toadies hurrying after him.
Sirius laughed, deciding that the tingling in his limbs where Remus was lying on him was from the circulation being cut off, and addressed more pressing matters.
“That’ll teach him to think that just because I’m on the floor I’m out of a fight!”
Remus shook his head in disbelief at just how thick headed Sirius could be when it came to certain things.
His friend’s hand was still clamped around his wrist, he realised as he tried to stand up, and Sirius neither intended to release him or to stand up himself for a little while yet. Nor did he appear to realise just how… intimate the position was, although Remus certainly did.
“Sirius?” he said, shifting uncomfortably as he tried to prevent a certain involuntary physical reaction from causing the situation to get any more awkward than it already was.
“Yes Moony?” Sirius asked with an unconcerned smile. He was not entirely sure why he was quite as comfortable as he was, sandwiched between the floor and Remus’ warm body, but he did not feel the need to move just yet.
Damn him, Remus thought with feeling, the idiot was not even the slightest bit aware of his discomfort. If he hadn’t been in love with him, he might have been tempted to beat him up right then and there. In fact, he was tempted to beat him up right then and there, ignorant prat.
“Can I get up?” he asked trying to sound as casual as he possibly could.
“Not until you promise me that all your worldly belongings shall be left to me if and when you should pass from this mortal realm and become an ex-Moony, for I am your most beloved of friends… except the books, you can leave them to Evans,” Remus forced a smile and rolled his eyes.
“Fine, Padfoot, I promise…”
“Padfoot, most beloved of my friends,” Sirius insisted.
“Fine,” Remus hissed through clenched teeth, reminding himself that forcing Sirius down onto the stone floor and snogging his brains out was probably not the best way to go about bringing things to his attention, though it was to the point. He had tried that before and Sirius had decided that he had been hexed. So, instead, he restrained himself and managed to repeat the words. “Padfoot, most beloved of my friends, I promise that in the event of my untimely demise, whether or not it is caused by you and your idiotic ignorance, you can have all my worldly possessions, apart from my books.”
“Which you shall leave to Evans, because she is the only one of our friends who indulges in such boring library pastimes as you do,” Sirius finished with a happy smile, releasing his arm and allowing him to stand up before bounding up himself. He decided after a moment that the sudden loss he felt was merely a reaction to the lack of warmth from Remus’ body. Clearly that would disappear if he heated himself up with activity again.
Remus hastily rearranged his robes and bag, but Sirius was already hurrying off in the direction of the common room with a yell of “Come on, Moony,” over his shoulder.
“Bloody, buggering, stupid wanker,” Remus muttered under his breath as he walked, far more sedately than his hyperactive friend, towards the common room. “Bloody, blind, oblivious git.” His list of curses and insults became longer and more explicit with every step until, by the time he got to the portrait hole, the Fat Lady regarded him with some disbelief as he gave the password between mouthfuls of expletives and imaginative curses.
“I just saw that nice young Mr Black,” she said, smiling in the way that all older women did around the pair of them - the way that was usually reserved for babies and small yappy dogs. It didn’t improve Remus’ temper. “I imagine he’s waiting for you inside, that’ll make your day better.” Remus glared at her as she swung open and announced, with as much dignity as he could muster:
“I hope the fucking pureblood bastard loses both his arms in a freak Quidditch incident and can never wank again.” She blinked in surprise, before hmm-ing with concern.
“Oh, lover’s tiff is it?” she said sympathetically. “Don’t worry; I’m sure it will pass over quickly. You two are never apart for long.” He ignored her and stalked over to where James and Peter sat playing Chess. He felt a tiny glimmer of satisfaction that he had been right, although, rather than James waxing poetical about Lily, the girl was sitting next to him and commenting critically on his strategy. It was strange getting used to the two of them being together.
“Hey Moony,” James said, looking up from the board as Peter took his rook, “just saw Sirius head upstairs looking very happy about something.” He wiggled his eyebrows meaningfully, ignoring Remus’ glare. “Is there something you need to tell us?”
“Shut up, Prongs,” he muttered, glaring more harshly as he realised that Sirius was in the dormitory meaning that, if he wanted any privacy then he would have to head for the prefect’s bathroom.
“Still got his head in the clouds, huh?” James said with a sympathetic grimace. “Don’t worry about it; at least he hasn’t turned you down… repeatedly.” He gave Lily a sidelong glance, which she just laughed at. Remus turned to Peter in an effort to ignore their ridiculously healthy relationship.
“Checkmate in three moves,” his fourth friend said unhelpfully, with a smile of triumph. “Sorry Moony, I haven’t got any ideas. Maybe you should just talk to him…”
“I’ve tried. He doesn’t even notice,” Remus said with irritation.
“We could try plan B,” James suggested.
“You are not locking us in a cupboard until we shag like bunnies, James! A. You know I don’t like being locked up, and B. that really didn’t work when you tried it with Snape and Mulciber.” James winced and indicated subtly with his eyes that Lily had not known about that particular incident.
“You locked Severus and Mulciber in a cupboard together? ” she asked with one eyebrow raised in disapproval, though Remus could see the corners of her lips twitching in barely suppressed amusement.
“We thought that we should help them release the sexual tension,” Peter provided helpfully, smiling as James shrank down even further in his seat. “Of course, they ended up beating each other up, rather than snogging each other but… meh,” he shrugged, waiting for James to make his next move. “It was still quite a successful idea. though. They didn’t figure out the password we had put on the door until the middle of the night. Then Filch found them wandering the corridors after hours and they got detention.”
James forgot that he was supposed to be grovelling for forgiveness and smiled in a dreamy way. “The good old days…” he sighed to himself.
“Ow!” He yelped as Lily thwacked him round the back of the head. He hurriedly backtracked. “Of course, I mean good in the sense of bad, because we should never have indulged in such foolishness and I fully understand that these days we are now in are of course infinitely better because of your wondrous presence?” he said cautiously. Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. The thing about James was, although his abashed correction sounded fake, they all knew that he meant every word - well, of the second part, even Lily didn’t expect totally sincere remorse.
“But,” James exclaimed, as soon as he knew he was forgiven, holding up a finger, “they were Slytherins: anyone would have tried to kill them if they were locked in a cupboard with them. You and Padfoot should be fine; we just have to add a little mood music...”
“No James,” Remus said flatly. “I am not going to willingly let you lock me up and that is final.” James looked at him as though about to argue his case further before realisation dawned and he nodded.
“Of course, you’re right. Sorry Remus.” The werewolf nodded an acceptance of the apology and leaned against the chair-back behind him with a heavy sigh.
“So, what’s plan C?” he asked, not particularly hopeful. He had pretty much decided that he was either going to die old and alone with Sirius still living in blissful ignorance, or young, of severe frustration.
“Blame Snivellus,” Peter said automatically before looking up hurriedly, casting Lily a slightly worried look. “I mean… ha, only joking. That used to be plan C, before we became mature, non-pranking adults… I mean, there is no plan C, nor was there ever any plan C and I am a brainless idiot who must remember to take my tablets.” He nodded to himself and swiftly turned his eyes back to the board. James ignored him studiously and avoided catching Lily’s eye before starting to speak.
“Plan C for Operation: Padfoot is an Oblivious Great Poofter of a Moron,” James mused. “I think you might have to revert to Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D.” The other two Marauders looked at him in horror.
In the history of the Marauders, Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D had been put into effect only four times and each time it had been in a case so severe that no other possible plan could help. The four incidents, remembered with hushed tones of awe and horror were The Incredible McGonagall Caper of 1974, The Welcome Feast Nightmare in 1975, The Dumbledore Incident of ’75 and also The Sixth Great and Epic Battle of Hogsmeade. Each time it had been attempted only by Mr Sirius Black, and each time it had (despite great enthusiasm on his part) been a resounding failure.
Peter’s face was white, as he gazed between James and Remus. James looked every millimetre the head boy as he regarded his friend with gravity and Remus stared back at him with something approaching horror.
“What’s Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D?” Lily asked, her curiosity overcoming her, despite her misgivings.
“James… no,” Remus said, his voice a hushed whisper.
“I know, it’s a risky idea, but I think you might have to, Moony.”
“But, Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D? ” Peter asked in disbelief.
“It is the only way left, my friends,” James intoned, peering over the top of his glasses in his best Dumbledore impression.
“What’s Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D?” Lily asked again, her voice rising. All three boys turned as one making emphatic ‘shh’ sounds. They looked over their shoulders to see if anyone was listening. “Just tell me… why all the melodrama?” she asked, a little exasperated. James turned pleadingly to his friends, only to find them waiting for him expectantly.
“Your girlfriend, Prongs,” Peter told him with a smug smile and a shrug. Remus crossed his arms resolutely.
“Oh, okay then…” He looked around again, just to make sure no one had moved any closer in the last few seconds. “Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D - to be used only by Padfoot, in the case where all other plans, both Initial and Emergency have failed or are rendered unusable by circumstances or person or persons unknown, preferably to be used only while drunk - basically boils down to this:” He drew closer and lowered his voice even further. “When all else fails - get naked.”
Lily blinked.
She blinked again, and then laughed.
“Ah… that explains a few things,” she shook her head in disbelief and reached out to pat the bemused James on the head. “I can’t believe you think stripping is a plan.” She paused for a second before adding: “I can’t believe you have set plans”
“It’s not my plan,” he said indignantly, “It’s Padfoot’s Emergency plan D, Prongs’ Emergency Plan D is utterly different.” She raised an eyebrow.
“It involves running round in a circle and screaming like a girl,” Peter provided, much to James’ embarrassment.
“That’s Prongs’ Emergency Plan E, Wormtail,” Remus corrected, ignoring James’ glare, “Plan D is the one where he sings.”
“Right…” James cut in firmly, “we were talking about Padfoot being oblivious, not about certain happenings that certain people swore never to speak of again,” he paused ominously, “and I happen to think that the only possible solution is Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D.”
“It might work,” Lily agreed, resting her chin on James’ shoulder to look at Remus. Her boyfriend forgot his embarrassment and beamed at her approval. “Lord knows you’ve tried everything else.”
“No…” Remus insisted, shaking his head. “There’s got to be another way.”
James shrugged. “Well, don’t expect sympathy when whatever else it is you try doesn’t work.”
“At least I’ll know that I haven’t quite lowered myself to your level yet, Prongs.” He held onto his dignity and walked away towards the dormitory.
Halfway up the stairs he remembered that Sirius was in the dormitory and groaned theatrically. He hovered indecisively for a moment: to go upstairs and risk the danger of Sirius or to go downstairs and risk the ridicule of James, Peter and Lily. In the end his pride won out over his sense of self-preservation. Like a true Gryffindor, he thought ruefully as he reached the door of their room.
When he walked into the dormitory Sirius was lounging on his bed in the far corner enchanting Peter’s exploding snap cards so they changed value every time you looked away from them. He greeted him with a huge smile, the sort of smile he never used on James or Peter, and Remus could feel his resolve crumbling and certain problems - which had been slowly resolving themselves - began to return. He swore under his breath.
“Hey Moony. You took your time,” Sirius said. “Do you know Pete’s got a stash of pornographic snap cards shoved down the side of his trunk?” He reached down and pulled them out, tossing them at Remus. “I’m going to do them next.” He paused, looking at Remus’ face carefully, before rolling himself around into a sitting position.
“Are you okay?” he asked with concern. “You look really tired, but full moon isn’t for another week… Are you ill?”
“I’m fine, Sirius,” he assured the other boy.
“You don’t look fine.” Sirius stood up and walked over to him He looked carefully into his face and brought one hand up to lightly touch the werewolf’s cheek and forehead. Remus tensed immediately at his touch and Sirius jerked back, as though Remus had tried to bite his hand off. “What’s wrong?” He demanded, clearly offended by the rejection.
“Nothing, Padfoot, just leave it,” Remus said wearily, sidestepping the concerned boy to collapse in a pile of frustrated misery on his own bed.
“Not until you tell me what’s wrong,” insisted Sirius with his usual bloody mindedness. Remus closed his eyes in an effort to get the horrible, awful, irritating, infuriatingly attractive boy to just disappear. No such luck, however, as there was a squeak as he sat at the foot of Remus’ bed. With no apparent concern for Remus’ sanity, nor his own continued existence, Sirius rested his hand gently on his friend’s thigh, just above where Remus’ knees flopped over the end of the bed. “Come on, Remus… tell me.”
Remus sat up abruptly to glare at Sirius, tugging his leg away from the warm pressure of Sirius’ hand.
“Oh, for Merlin’s merciful sake!” he growled, clenching his hands into fists so tight that his fingernails bit into his palms. “You can’t even tell what the problem is when everyone else in the whole sodding world can see it as plain as the bloody sun! You are the most stupid, blind, son of a bitch I have ever had the misfortune to -“ He broke off, realising that his tirade was not even making a dent in Sirius’ oblivion.
“Sod it all! That’s the problem: that you don’t even know what the sodding problem is. I wish you’d just open your eyes and engage your brain some times, Padfoot, I really do!” He grabbed his bag again and stormed out of the dormitory, down the stairs and through the common room, ignoring James and Peter’s shouts of “didn’t go so well, hey mate?”
The common room was still full of hushed whispers by the time that Sirius, having sat bewildered on the end of Remus’ bed for a good minute or so, came down. As soon as he emerged there was a general hum of understanding from the rest of the house as they decided what had happened. He ignored the eyes that followed him across the room to where James and Peter sat.
“Well, you buggered that up again, didn’t you?” James commented as Peter put him in Checkmate.
“Or, rather, he didn’t,” Peter said with a sly smile. Sirius shot him a confused look before turning back to James. Across the table, Lily groaned at the terrible pun and tossed a handful of suspicious looking Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans at Peter’s head.
“What did I bugger up?” he asked, completely nonplussed. James sighed and turned away from the devastation on the chess board. “Why’s Moony pissed off at me?”
“Because you’re an idiot,” he said succinctly. Sirius glanced around and got affirmative nods from the other two.
“Okay… but why this time?”
James thought for a second.
“What did Remus say to you, Padfoot?” he asked slowly. It would be best know exactly what he was working with before he said anything.
“He said there was nothing wrong, and I told him that was bollocks and he went off on one, yelled at me and ran off.” Sirius dropped into a cross-legged position on the floor, looking mournful. “I don’t think I did anything wrong this time.”
“What did he say while he was yelling, Padfoot?” James asked again, trying to tease the information out of his best friend. From the sidelines, now eating the remains of the Every Flavour Beans, Peter and Lily watched carefully.
“He said something about the sun and being blind… and then he said the problem was that I didn’t know what the problem was… which doesn’t make any sense, does it? Do you think he got struck by a Confundus charm?” James shook his head, but before he could reply, Lily interrupted.
“Sirius… Have you ever thought about how you act differently with Remus from how you act with James and Peter?” she asked gently. Sirius stared at her in confusion.
“Of course I act differently with him. He’s Remus, so I treat him like Remus, and I treat James like James and Peter like Peter… what’s wrong with that?”
“That’s not what I meant…” Lily had her best head girl voice on, although it was slightly strained. “I mean, think about how you treat him differently.” Sirius continued to stare blankly at her. “You know, you do: you touch him differently, and you talk to him differently, and you look at him differently.”
“Well I couldn’t very well look at him like he was Peter, could I?” Sirius said with a laugh, “I’d be staring at his chest.”
“Hey!” Peter complained, “I’m not that short!” James shot him a look of disbelief.
“Argh!” Lily groaned, pursing her lips. “That’s not what I meant Sirius… I meant. Oh good grief! No wonder poor Remus is about to murder you and send your body down to be the giant squid’s play thing. You’d drive anyone insane.” She turned to James.
“I give up… you handle it,” she told her boyfriend. James stared at her with despair. He had been hoping that Lily would sort this mess out for him, but clearly that was not to be.
“Well, Sirius… you see… it’s like this.” He pushed his hand through his hair in exasperation. “You and Moony, right… you’re like… Pete?” He turned to the third member of their group much to Lily’s irritation. Peter gave a small yelp and the amused grin fell from his face as Sirius’ eyes turned to him in expectation.
“You and Moony… right, uhm…” he took a deep breath. “You know when we charmed the Slytherins so that they all looked like they were cross dressing, but they were the only ones who couldn’t see it, or when we charmed Sniv- Snape’s robes so that they said ‘largest producer of oil in the Northern Hemisphere’ to everyone but him?” Sirius nodded. “It’s like that.” Peter smiled as he sat back, satisfied with his explanation.
“I have insults about Remus on the back of my robes?” Sirius asked twisting round to look at his back. Lily groaned into James’ shoulder and Peter shook his head frantically, looking at James pleadingly until he took over.
“No… No Padfoot, you don’t. Peter was using that as a simile or whatever, because it’s like that. We can all see the problem. Everyone can see the problem - except you.”
“Then why can’t you just tell me?” Sirius asked.
“Because… it’s not something you can really be told… and we’ve tried before. It’s just you never seem to listen. It’s… you and Remus.” Sirius waited for him to finish. “You’re… well, Remus likes you, you see, and you like Remus.”
“Yeah… and that’s why I don’t get why he’s yelling at me when I was just trying to be nice.”
“That’s why he’s yelling at you when you’re nice… because you’re only nice like that to him,” James told him, “but you don’t notice.”
“So he’s mad at me because I’m his friend?” Sirius was even more confused, if anything. He had the look on his face he got when he tried to follow the politics in History of Magic, or listen to Remus recite his presentation for Arithmancy. The scrunch of skin between his eyebrows clearly said that his brain was beginning to hurt, just not quite as much as those of the people trying to explain to him.
“Sirius… what my inept and ineloquent boyfriend is trying to say is that you like Remus like he likes me.”
“I like Remus like Remus likes you?”
“NO! You like Remus like JAMES likes me!” Lily said as James proceeded to bang his head against the table top. “And Remus likes you the same way, but he’s been waiting for you to figure it out and you were too bloody thick-headed to notice.”
Sirius sat in silence for a moment staring blankly straight ahead. Peter and Lily watched him closely as James swore to himself, punctuating every word with another thump of his head against the wood. A few seconds later Lily gripped him by the shoulders and tugged him upright, muttering that he didn’t have enough brain cells to go around as it was. The despairing head boy reluctantly sat upright and rubbed the red mark on his forehead before burying his face in his hands.
Sirius still stared straight ahead in silence until…
“Oh.”
Lily smiled in relief: she had been beginning to worry that she had broken the boy; Peter’s jaw dropped open in awe and James, cautiously, peered out between his fingers. They all held their breath.
“Ooooh…” Sirius said again with slow understanding. “Really?” He asked with complete surprise. All three of them nodded emphatically.
“Really,” Lily confirmed as her boyfriend gazed at her in complete awe and adoration.
“Oh,” Sirius repeated as they continued to watch him, “so earlier…?”
“Yes.”
“And last week, when we were mucking about in the common room and I proclaimed my undying love for him because he turned Peter’s Charms text-book into a duck?”
“Yes.”
“And in the hospital after the last…” he broke off with a quick look at Lily, “when I sat next to him on the bed?”
“Yes.”
“Oh… right. That sort of makes sense.” He sat in silence again, staring into space. “I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”
“Yes.” They all agreed with feeling. He lapsed into silence once more until Lily cleared her throat.
“Ahem… Sirius, don’t you think you should... go and find him.”
“Oh… right.” He stayed where he was for a second before blinking as the words filtered through into his brain. “Oh… right, yes, definitely.”
He stood up quickly and turned to the entrance, walking purposefully towards it before… he paused and turned back. “You don’t happen to know where he went, do you?” They shrugged. “Yeah, right… if you see him, tell him I’m looking for him, okay?” They nodded and gestured urgently for him to go. He began to walk again before stopping once more. “How should I, you know… I mean, I should apologise or something…”
“You’ll think of something,” Lily said with a smile.
“You always do,” Peter assured him as James gave him a thumbs-up. Sirius nodded before hurrying off after Remus.
James turned back to Lily in amazement.
“You…” he paused and shook his head. “But… we’ve been trying to tell him that for years and you… just… you know.” She smiled with amusement and let him pull her against his side, his arm around her waist. “I love you…” he whispered in astonished adoration and she laughed.
“I should think so too.”
***
Remus was busy taking his anger out on Arithmantic equations which refused to do as he told them. He was back in the library, muttering under his breath, and trying to avoid being noticed by anyone at all. He really did not want to get detention for hexing some unfortunate first year searching for the Transfiguration section who happened to ask the one person in the library who was currently set to hex first, check identity later.
It had occurred to him that the library was probably not the best place to hide from Sirius. On the other hand, no matter how big a nincompoop a certain dog animagus was being, he still had homework which had not been completed when he had been dragged from the library earlier, so he might as well get it done.
Fifteen minutes later he was regretting his decision.
“Moony?” a familiar voice whispered, and he glanced up to see Sirius’ head poking out from behind some shelves. “You’re not going to jinx me or anything are you?” Remus just glared at him before looking back down at his parchment. “Not that I would blame you or anything… if you wanted to.” Remus continued his valiant attempts to ignore him. “But… it’s just Lily, Prongs and Wormtail had a word with me.”
“Uhuh,” Remus grunted, trying to avoid noticing him out of the corner of his eye.
“And they, sort of… told me how big an idiot I’ve been. And Lily was… well she told me what the problem was.” Remus looked up, startled. A sudden epiphany was the last thing he had expected.
“So I’ve been thinking…”
“You know what the problem is?” Remus asked incredulously.
“Oh yes. If you had just told me…”
“I did tell you… repeatedly,” Remus said.
“Well, yes, but you never really made it clear. I always thought you were just being Remusy about things,” Sirius said with weary sigh. “Anyway, I was an idiot, and now there is no problem, because I know what the problem is.” He smiled happily.
“Yes… you’ve said that, but you still haven’t told me what the problem was,” Remus said uncertainly, watching Sirius with caution as though he was about to explode or turn into a crocodile.
“Oh, that…” he said as though it were unimportant. Remus restrained a growl and concentrated on not breaking his quill in half. “I’m in love with you, and you’re in love with me, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“It’s not?”
“No, I’m here to apologise, only I’m not very good at apologies. The last time I made one it ended in four weeks of detention.”
“And four corridors of carnage,” Remus added. He felt very much as though he were in one of his more bizarre dreams and he would look down in a minute to find someone had replaced all his books with cheese and he was dressed in a tutu. He shook his head to wake himself up, but Sirius was still standing there, just a head poking round a corner, having told him a moment ago, in a very matter of fact tone, that he was in love with him.
“Precisely, so I was thinking on the way down here that I needed a plan. Only I couldn’t think of one, so I had to go on to Plan B, but that wouldn’t work, because I didn’t know where I could find a giant dung-bomb on such short notice, and I didn’t really think it was appropriate anyway. So next I went onto Plan C, but then I remembered that the last time I brought a niffler into the library Madam Pince banned us all for three weeks and I didn’t think you’d really appreciate that as an apology so…”
Remus’ brain caught up with his friend’s logic a second later and his mouth dropped open in utter shock as he realised what was about to come next. There was a dramatic pause and then everything began to happen at once. Sirius stepped round the corner of the bookcase precisely as Madam Pince called out, with more outrage and disbelief than either of them had ever heard before.
“Mr Black, are you… NAKED? ” Remus blinked in disbelief as he noted that Mr Black was indeed naked, and wondered for a second why Madam Pince was asking a question to which the answer was patently obvious when what she should really be asking, what Remus himself intended to ask, was why.
Instead the words: “Sirius! We’re in the library!” were hissed out between his teeth. Sirius just shrugged with nonchalance that only Sirius Black (or possible James Potter) could maintain while standing completely nude in the middle of a library with an irate member of staff bearing down like a rabid bull on one side of him and one of his friends staring gormlessly at him on the other.
“Emergency Plan D cares not for location, time nor audience,” he said drawing himself up and straightening his shoulders. As Sirius did not seem to have thought through what happened next (as was always a distinct flaw in Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D) Remus took a moment to thank every possible higher power he could think of that it was not one of those dreams in which he was naked in front of the Hogwarts’ staff, paused for a second to marvel at the utter insanity that was Sirius Black, and then automatically began to plan their escape.
“You really were talking to Prongs, weren’t you,” Remus said, packing up his books as quickly as he could for the second time that day. His eyes insisted on drifting back over to Sirius in his unabashed nudity, but he pulled them back firmly to the task at hand and marshalled his brain to think of bookshelves and escape routes instead of skin and muscles and... other things unrelated to libraries. He forced himself to address more pressing matters. “You decided not to bring a niffler because Madam Pince would ban us from the library, but instead elected to parade around naked because that won’t get us banned!”
“Ah, but this way all the sting of your tragic exile from your haven of literature is diminished by the fact that I am naked,” Sirius told him as Madam Pince’s footsteps thundered towards them. Remus shook his head, but found that Sirius was infuriatingly right about that: nudity did indeed make up for the lack of library access. After all, they could always use the invisibility cloak if it was really necessary.
“Right,” he said, sizing up their options. “Come on. This way.”
They began to run, dodging round bookcases and shocked groups of third and fourth years. One cluster of sixth year Ravenclaws gawked shamelessly as they passed by and Sirius stopped to bow to them for a second before Remus noticed he had fallen behind and returned to drag him past them.
“Mr Black! ” Madam Pince yelled, with complete disregard for her own rules of library conduct. “I thought we had an understanding! ” (which goes to show that you should not trust a silent conversation based solely on winks). Sirius laughed as they cornered the advanced Transfiguration section and leapt the barrier into the restricted section.
“If we can reach the section on illegal curses by the time she gets to emotional charms, we should be able to loop past her at experimental mind magic,” Remus told him breathlessly, a huge smile on his face. Sirius just nodded, taking his word for it. “Where did you put your clothes?” Remus asked, the fact that Sirius could not possible have walked all the way from the Gryffindor common room starkers suddenly occurring to him.
“Third aisle of the Official records of the Goblin Wars,” Sirius told him, “no one ever goes down there.”
“That’s not on the way out,” Remus said, pulling Sirius down an aisle of books on necromantic theory. “We’ll have to summon them.”
“Accio clothes,” Sirius said dutifully, waving his wand in their general direction.
“Sirius! ” Remus hissed again, “For all you know you could have summoned the clothes of everyone in the library!”
“Well, at least then Pince would have a load more people to chase,” his naked friend said, “and it would be brilliant. Imagine… a whole library full of naked people. More people should be naked. Honestly Remus, you should try it some time,” he allowed his voice to drop to a suggestive level that, in Remus’ mind, was completely unfair at a time like this when he needed to think… with his brain. Remus quickly shook his head again to clear his mind and looked up at the sign on the shelves they were coming to, having lost track of their location somewhere around Sirius suggesting that libraries were better when naked. He breathed a sigh of relief when he discovered they had not past their exit.
“Here we are: illegal curses.” He looked behind them in time to see Sirius’ trousers flying towards them along with other articles of clothing. “Do you think she’s reached emotional charms?”
“Who knows,” Sirius said, grabbing clothes out of the air without missing a step.
“We’ll just have to risk it.”
“Really,” Sirius said as Madam Pince bellowed his name again. “I don’t know what her problem is. It’s not like she doesn’t read about worse in those dirty books of hers. In fact, I’m doing her a favour.” Remus did not dare ask how Sirius had worked that one out, although it turned out he did not have to: his friend was more than happy to elaborate. “Now, when she’s reading about so-and-so’s Adonis-like body she’ll at least have something decent to base it on.”
“You know, Padfoot,” Remus said as they came out the other end of Experimental Mind Magic and hurdled the barrier of the restricted section again, “one day you’re going to have to tell me exactly how you know so much about romance novels.” There was a sudden silence from the other and Remus laughed despite the stitch in his side and the enraged librarian pursuing them. His laughter alerted Madam Pince to their position and she immediately doubled back on herself, but they were in the home stretch now, running past a pair of First Year Hufflepuffs come to get books for their first potions essay. Remus had enough time to worry about their future mental health and Sirius enough time to wave at them cheerily before they were out of the doors and heading for the nearest empty classroom.
Once they were inside and the door was firmly shut and locked behind them, neither of them could stop laughing. Remus crumpled to the floor in fits of helpless mirth while Sirius tugged his trousers on, a satisfied smile on his face.
“I can’t - believe -” Remus forced out between chuckles that made his cheeks ache, “that you ran - through the library - naked.”
“I can’t believe I’ve never done it before,” Sirius told him, “it was highly liberating.”
“I don’t think you need any more liberating, Padfoot.”
“Cheered you up though, didn’t it?” Sirius said smugly, sliding down next to him as he buttoned up his shirt. Remus nodded, trying to hold down the last few hiccups of amusement. “Anyway, before the lady with the scandalous taste in literature interrupted us, where was I?” His companion fell silent, watching him carefully and wondering if the whole thing had just been set up to provide Sirius with yet another chance to streak. Then he realised that Sirius was staring back at him just as carefully.
“Oh… right,” Sirius said, leaning closer. “That’s where I was.” He drew so close that Remus could no longer focus on him. “Remus Lupin, I have been an oblivious and insufferable idiot, can you ever forgive me?”
“I could try,” Remus said, his mouth curving up into a smile again. Sirius’ apology proved to be very enthusiastic and far less destructive than any he had made previously. By the time the pair drew away from each other again, Remus was the one whose clothes were undone.
“How about now?” Sirius asked quietly.
“Sirius…” Remus said, gravely earnest, “this morning I was lying on top of you and you wouldn’t let me up until I called you ‘most beloved Padfoot’.” Sirius grinned.
“Yes, I suppose that does need a bit more apology.” He leaned forward to kiss down Remus’ throat from his ear to his collar bone.
“Grovelling might be good,” Remus suggested and Sirius smiled into the hollow of his throat.
“On my knees?” he asked in an innocent tone.
Remus swore eloquently.
***
Summary: Everyone knows that Sirius Black loves Remus Lupin. Everyone, that is, except Sirius Black.
Rating: R for full frontal nudity... and suggestiveness
Fandom: Harry Potter
Era: MWPP - seventh year
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily
Disclaimer: It all belongs to JK Rowling, not me.
Warnings: Fluff, sexual frustration, discussion of erotic literature, insanity, oblivious!sirius, naked!sirius
AN: Thanks again to shino_hoshi for betaing. Also, I'd just like to say that managing to get the phrase 'Erotica is the answer, my friend' into a fic has made my year. Also - ~8600 words long. Meep!
Everyone in Hogwarts knew that Sirius Black loved Remus Lupin. It was practically a standing joke.
The Hufflepuffs gossiped about it in their common room; the Ravenclaws passed notes about it in the Library; the Slytherins sneered about it down in the dungeons; and the Gryffindors did not even bother to talk about it any more, it was just so obvious. In the staffroom the mere mention of their names together would have most of the professors breaking out in dreamy smiles. Professor McGonagall regarded Sirius with a slightly softer glare than usual when she thought caught him staring at the back of Lupin’s head. Madam Rosmerta at the Three Broomsticks took it all in stride and was always sure to make sure the pair of them had some privacy when they came in for Butterbeers. Even Dumbledore looked at them with a twinkle in his eye - but then he looked at everyone like that (James Potter had been heard to suggest it was the result of a horrific magical accident when he was younger).
Everyone knew Sirius Black loved Remus Lupin, except, of course, for Sirius Black.
It might have been nice if someone had clued him in, but everyone knew, so they all just assumed that he did as well. It was just so obvious. The only people who ever said anything were the Slytherins, but he never listened to them: after all, they were Slytherins.
His friends had tried to tell him as well, of course. Remus in particular, who reciprocated said feelings but could not exactly do anything about them until Sirius woke up a bit and realised what everyone else could see. However, Sirius remained stubbornly impervious to all hints, suggestions and outright statements that Remus could give him.
James had made a valiant attempt, but after a quarter of an hour of hideously complicated Quidditch metaphors, he had ended up yelling ‘why don’t you just snog him already?’ before storming out leaving a bewildered Sirius, wondering who he was meant to snog, staring after him.
Peter also struggled to get through to him, but his deliberate skirting of the topic and stammering of incomplete sentences followed by ‘you know?’ or ‘gettit?’ left both him and Sirius with migraines and Sirius with the vague idea that Wormtail had been hexed so that he could no longer use verbs.
So Sirius was left oblivious, which didn’t so much matter to him, but was a source of great frustration (and not a small amount of amusement) to his friends (particularly Remus).
As he clattered into the library with all the subtlety of an overconfident teenage boy, Madam Pince glared up at him through her narrow spectacles, but as soon as she saw who it was her face softened into an indulgent (and slightly creepy) smile before gesturing to the advanced charms section. Sirius did wonder at this development, for he was fairly certain that the librarian’s favourite activity was glaring at people who made more than seventeen decibels of noise. However, after a second he decided that working in a place filled with so much silence and so many books for so long was sure to turn anyone crazy. He nodded at her uncomfortably before hurrying off in the direction she had pointed. As he walked away he had the unnerving feeling that she was still watching him with her crazy smile and her crazy eyes. He squirmed.
“Hey Moony,” he called out as he rounded the corner into the advanced charms section. He spoke far louder than he needed to in the belief that the sucking black hole of silence that was the Hogwarts library should be filled at any cost. Hearing his voice, Remus glanced up vaguely before turning back to his essay. This, of course, was not on; Remus was not allowed to abandon him for an essay. But he refused to identify the twang of feeling inside him as jealousy and continued to talk.
“Do you think Pince has a secret store of dirty romance books behind her desk?” (She did, but that was beside the point). That, to his satisfaction, got him more attention and Remus turned to face him completely, setting down his quill and raising one eyebrow in disbelief. As he watched Remus’ face, a part of Sirius’ brain he never really listened to registered that he looked particularly handsome in the candlelit glow of the library. As usual, he ignored the nagging feeling that he was missing something and went on. “No, really. She just gave me the weirdest look and I was thinking, if I were her then I’d need something to do all day, only girls don’t really like ¬¬real porn, so it would have to be some girly sort of porn, like dirty romance books-”
“Sirius -”
“- you know the ones.” Sirius continued, watching the way Remus’ fingers stroked along the feather of his quill slowly. He didn’t notice the other boy’s attempt to interrupt his flow. “Those books with the Witch fainting on the front with really low cut robes while a Wizard stands behind her, his wand raised… if you know what I mean.”
“A dead flobberworm would know what you meant, Sirius… but-”
“-She probably reads them all the time, and hides them away when someone comes in or tries to get a book out. No wonder sometimes when you go up there she ignores you for hours. She’s busy reading about Demetrius’ firm biceps flexing as he gazes-” (also true, except it was Gaius the sorcerer, and it wasn’t his biceps).
“Sirius. ” Somehow Remus managed to make a whisper loud enough to interrupt Sirius’ torrid imaginings, but he still was not able to distract him completely.
“What kind of a name is Demetrius, anyway? I’ve never met a Demetrius who could flex a bicep worth a damn.” The amused werewolf chose not to point out that it had been Sirius who had come up with the name in the first place, he wouldn’t have paid any attention anyway. “I mean, look at Demetrius Artichoke -”
“Archibald.”
“He’s got to be the weediest player on the Ravenclaw team. Damn good seeker, I’ll give him that, but that’s the thing. Seekers are tiny, they don’t have anything to flex. If they did they’d never catch up with the snitch, too much resistance. Now, Beaters, they’ve got upper body strength. Gordon Smith, on the Hufflepuff team, he’s built like a bloody wall: muscles everywhere. But no one ever calls their romantic hero Gordon do they, it’s all Demetrius this, and Romeo that and Ethel of the glistening pectorals.”
“Ethel’s a girl’s name.” Remus gave up all pretence of attempting a normal conversation and decided to join in with the insanity. It was always easier if you just grabbed on to Sirius’ train of thought and waited for it to stop. If you tried to halt it mid-flow, there was always a slight worry that you could cause irreparable mental damage (more irreparable mental damage) to both him and yourself.
“That’s what I’m saying, they’re girls’ names,” Sirius said emphatically, grateful that Remus agreed with him. He watched the scrunch lines in between Remus’ eyebrows as the other Gryffindor attempted to keep up with his logic.
“Actually, they’re not… just Ethel. That’s the only girls’ name you’ve mentioned so far.” Sirius waved a hand to indicate just how little that fact mattered to him.
“But they might as well be girls’ names, the amount of muscle you connect them with.”
“I hardly think that’s fair. Gertrude Pollysnook on the Slytherin team is really quite formidable.” Both he and Sirius took a second to grimace at the thought of Gertrude Pollysnook’s glistening biceps crossed their minds.
“Pollysnook’s just… weird,” Sirius said with feeling. He suddenly realised that he was staring vacantly at his companion’s lips and blinked, looking away abruptly. “How did we get onto Pollysnook again?” he asked. Remus sighed in both disbelief at Sirius’ inability to keep up with his own thoughts and relief that he was getting to a pause in the conversation.
“It all started with Madam Pince reading salacious novels. Though I’m not sure why you wanted to talk about that.” He shrugged helplessly but, to his chagrin, Sirius nodded sagely.
“Erotica is the only answer, my friend,” Sirius told him seriously. “Her tragic life, merely sitting behind the desk of boredom in the home of all boredom and loathèd silence, can only be lightened by her attempts to recover the romance of her youth through the reading of literary pornography.” He smiled as though this was the answer to all of life’s problems and Remus sighed again, resisting the urge to pat him on the head and say ‘good puppy’.
“Padfoot, you just used the word ‘loathèd’,” He pointed out. “I think we should get you away from the library.” Sirius nodded, his smile growing: his plan had worked perfectly. He had not really had a chance to put it into effect, but (as with so many of his plans) sheer blind luck had pulled it through in the end and Remus was released from the clutches of the library and once again available for his entertainment. “What did you come to talk to me about anyway?” Remus asked with a sigh. Sirius just shrugged and watched as Remus packed up his books and parchment, slipping them into his bag.
“Doesn’t matter, come on.” He dragged Remus from the library, returning Madam Pince’s indulgent smile with a wink and a grin which he intended to say ‘I know what you’re reading, you saucy library wench’ but which she took to mean ‘don’t worry Remus and I shall never defile your beloved library.’ Communication via winks is always a little bit hit and miss.
On the way up to the Gryffindor Common Room they passed a group of Hufflepuff girls on their way to the Owlery. The hushed chorus of “aww”s they received made Remus give them his customary embarrassed wave as Sirius tugged him past, but merely served to make Sirius a little more confused.
“Do they always do that?” Sirius asked when they got to the next staircase, taking the steps so fast that Remus had to hop in order not to stand on one of the disappearing ones they had charmed during third year.
“Mostly, yes,” he said, trying to keep up with his friend so his shoulder would not be totally dislocated. As they hurried onwards his bag slipped from his shoulder. He just managed to catch the strap in his palm as it fell and hung on desperately so that it flew out behind them. As they rounded a corner, it swung out and almost beheaded a first year. He shouted a hurried apology, but was unsure if the traumatised boy got it as they had already reached the next flight of stairs by the time he had finished it.
“Sirius - what’s going on?” he yelled forwards, as a couple of more experienced fourth years ducked under the low flying school bag and shouted insults after them.
“Don’t know,” Sirius replied.
“Then why are we running?” Remus called back.
“Because I don’t know what’s going on,” Sirius told him, “imagine what incredible things we could be missing. James and Peter could have come up with the prank to end all pranks. McGonagall might have got drunk and started dancing on the table. James and Peter might have turned everyone into rabbits…”
“Or they could be sitting in a corner playing chess while Peter gnaws on his fingernails and James waxes lyrical about Lily,” Remus pointed out, daring to burst Sirius’ bubble.
“Then we must endeavour to save them from their boredom,” Sirius called back, and Remus could hear the grin of triumph that was crossing his face.
“Fine. But if I die before we arrive, tell them that I owe my untimely death to their tediousness and your insatiable curiosity,” Remus said, his voice resigned.
“Will do.”
“And I leave all my belongings to Lily, because she’s the least likely to throw them away.”
There was no reply for a moment before, in a manoeuvre that Remus found it difficult to believe was not aided in some way by magic, Sirius went from top speed to completely still in less than a second. This left Remus, carried by momentum, to run straight into him and send them both tumbling down onto the floor. A few seconds later Remus’ bag collided with his head.
“Ow,” he said with feeling, wishing that he had not put quite as many text books in there, especially the potions book - he had not even opened it, so really its only purpose so far today was to try and knock him unconscious. He might have known: it was a potions book after all, the subject was the bringer of all evil and torment. Voldemort had probably enjoyed potions.
He noticed quite quickly that he was lying on top of Sirius in the middle of a corridor and that Sirius did not seem to consider this weird, nor, regrettably, did the Slytherins who were walking past.
“Keep your sordid little perversions behind closed doors, Black. Do you really need to advertise what a blood traitor freak you are?” Rookwood sneered. The hex that Sirius sent flying his way was pretty much an automatic reaction. Although he did feel far angrier than he usually did about over meaningless Slytherin insults, but he shrugged it off and admired his handiwork. His brain dutifully ignored the fact that his heart was beating a little too fast and blamed it on the pace at which he had taken the last three staircases.
Rookwood, meanwhile, with his body rapidly sprouting a rainbow of fur, swore and turned for the hospital wing, his toadies hurrying after him.
Sirius laughed, deciding that the tingling in his limbs where Remus was lying on him was from the circulation being cut off, and addressed more pressing matters.
“That’ll teach him to think that just because I’m on the floor I’m out of a fight!”
Remus shook his head in disbelief at just how thick headed Sirius could be when it came to certain things.
His friend’s hand was still clamped around his wrist, he realised as he tried to stand up, and Sirius neither intended to release him or to stand up himself for a little while yet. Nor did he appear to realise just how… intimate the position was, although Remus certainly did.
“Sirius?” he said, shifting uncomfortably as he tried to prevent a certain involuntary physical reaction from causing the situation to get any more awkward than it already was.
“Yes Moony?” Sirius asked with an unconcerned smile. He was not entirely sure why he was quite as comfortable as he was, sandwiched between the floor and Remus’ warm body, but he did not feel the need to move just yet.
Damn him, Remus thought with feeling, the idiot was not even the slightest bit aware of his discomfort. If he hadn’t been in love with him, he might have been tempted to beat him up right then and there. In fact, he was tempted to beat him up right then and there, ignorant prat.
“Can I get up?” he asked trying to sound as casual as he possibly could.
“Not until you promise me that all your worldly belongings shall be left to me if and when you should pass from this mortal realm and become an ex-Moony, for I am your most beloved of friends… except the books, you can leave them to Evans,” Remus forced a smile and rolled his eyes.
“Fine, Padfoot, I promise…”
“Padfoot, most beloved of my friends,” Sirius insisted.
“Fine,” Remus hissed through clenched teeth, reminding himself that forcing Sirius down onto the stone floor and snogging his brains out was probably not the best way to go about bringing things to his attention, though it was to the point. He had tried that before and Sirius had decided that he had been hexed. So, instead, he restrained himself and managed to repeat the words. “Padfoot, most beloved of my friends, I promise that in the event of my untimely demise, whether or not it is caused by you and your idiotic ignorance, you can have all my worldly possessions, apart from my books.”
“Which you shall leave to Evans, because she is the only one of our friends who indulges in such boring library pastimes as you do,” Sirius finished with a happy smile, releasing his arm and allowing him to stand up before bounding up himself. He decided after a moment that the sudden loss he felt was merely a reaction to the lack of warmth from Remus’ body. Clearly that would disappear if he heated himself up with activity again.
Remus hastily rearranged his robes and bag, but Sirius was already hurrying off in the direction of the common room with a yell of “Come on, Moony,” over his shoulder.
“Bloody, buggering, stupid wanker,” Remus muttered under his breath as he walked, far more sedately than his hyperactive friend, towards the common room. “Bloody, blind, oblivious git.” His list of curses and insults became longer and more explicit with every step until, by the time he got to the portrait hole, the Fat Lady regarded him with some disbelief as he gave the password between mouthfuls of expletives and imaginative curses.
“I just saw that nice young Mr Black,” she said, smiling in the way that all older women did around the pair of them - the way that was usually reserved for babies and small yappy dogs. It didn’t improve Remus’ temper. “I imagine he’s waiting for you inside, that’ll make your day better.” Remus glared at her as she swung open and announced, with as much dignity as he could muster:
“I hope the fucking pureblood bastard loses both his arms in a freak Quidditch incident and can never wank again.” She blinked in surprise, before hmm-ing with concern.
“Oh, lover’s tiff is it?” she said sympathetically. “Don’t worry; I’m sure it will pass over quickly. You two are never apart for long.” He ignored her and stalked over to where James and Peter sat playing Chess. He felt a tiny glimmer of satisfaction that he had been right, although, rather than James waxing poetical about Lily, the girl was sitting next to him and commenting critically on his strategy. It was strange getting used to the two of them being together.
“Hey Moony,” James said, looking up from the board as Peter took his rook, “just saw Sirius head upstairs looking very happy about something.” He wiggled his eyebrows meaningfully, ignoring Remus’ glare. “Is there something you need to tell us?”
“Shut up, Prongs,” he muttered, glaring more harshly as he realised that Sirius was in the dormitory meaning that, if he wanted any privacy then he would have to head for the prefect’s bathroom.
“Still got his head in the clouds, huh?” James said with a sympathetic grimace. “Don’t worry about it; at least he hasn’t turned you down… repeatedly.” He gave Lily a sidelong glance, which she just laughed at. Remus turned to Peter in an effort to ignore their ridiculously healthy relationship.
“Checkmate in three moves,” his fourth friend said unhelpfully, with a smile of triumph. “Sorry Moony, I haven’t got any ideas. Maybe you should just talk to him…”
“I’ve tried. He doesn’t even notice,” Remus said with irritation.
“We could try plan B,” James suggested.
“You are not locking us in a cupboard until we shag like bunnies, James! A. You know I don’t like being locked up, and B. that really didn’t work when you tried it with Snape and Mulciber.” James winced and indicated subtly with his eyes that Lily had not known about that particular incident.
“You locked Severus and Mulciber in a cupboard together? ” she asked with one eyebrow raised in disapproval, though Remus could see the corners of her lips twitching in barely suppressed amusement.
“We thought that we should help them release the sexual tension,” Peter provided helpfully, smiling as James shrank down even further in his seat. “Of course, they ended up beating each other up, rather than snogging each other but… meh,” he shrugged, waiting for James to make his next move. “It was still quite a successful idea. though. They didn’t figure out the password we had put on the door until the middle of the night. Then Filch found them wandering the corridors after hours and they got detention.”
James forgot that he was supposed to be grovelling for forgiveness and smiled in a dreamy way. “The good old days…” he sighed to himself.
“Ow!” He yelped as Lily thwacked him round the back of the head. He hurriedly backtracked. “Of course, I mean good in the sense of bad, because we should never have indulged in such foolishness and I fully understand that these days we are now in are of course infinitely better because of your wondrous presence?” he said cautiously. Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. The thing about James was, although his abashed correction sounded fake, they all knew that he meant every word - well, of the second part, even Lily didn’t expect totally sincere remorse.
“But,” James exclaimed, as soon as he knew he was forgiven, holding up a finger, “they were Slytherins: anyone would have tried to kill them if they were locked in a cupboard with them. You and Padfoot should be fine; we just have to add a little mood music...”
“No James,” Remus said flatly. “I am not going to willingly let you lock me up and that is final.” James looked at him as though about to argue his case further before realisation dawned and he nodded.
“Of course, you’re right. Sorry Remus.” The werewolf nodded an acceptance of the apology and leaned against the chair-back behind him with a heavy sigh.
“So, what’s plan C?” he asked, not particularly hopeful. He had pretty much decided that he was either going to die old and alone with Sirius still living in blissful ignorance, or young, of severe frustration.
“Blame Snivellus,” Peter said automatically before looking up hurriedly, casting Lily a slightly worried look. “I mean… ha, only joking. That used to be plan C, before we became mature, non-pranking adults… I mean, there is no plan C, nor was there ever any plan C and I am a brainless idiot who must remember to take my tablets.” He nodded to himself and swiftly turned his eyes back to the board. James ignored him studiously and avoided catching Lily’s eye before starting to speak.
“Plan C for Operation: Padfoot is an Oblivious Great Poofter of a Moron,” James mused. “I think you might have to revert to Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D.” The other two Marauders looked at him in horror.
In the history of the Marauders, Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D had been put into effect only four times and each time it had been in a case so severe that no other possible plan could help. The four incidents, remembered with hushed tones of awe and horror were The Incredible McGonagall Caper of 1974, The Welcome Feast Nightmare in 1975, The Dumbledore Incident of ’75 and also The Sixth Great and Epic Battle of Hogsmeade. Each time it had been attempted only by Mr Sirius Black, and each time it had (despite great enthusiasm on his part) been a resounding failure.
Peter’s face was white, as he gazed between James and Remus. James looked every millimetre the head boy as he regarded his friend with gravity and Remus stared back at him with something approaching horror.
“What’s Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D?” Lily asked, her curiosity overcoming her, despite her misgivings.
“James… no,” Remus said, his voice a hushed whisper.
“I know, it’s a risky idea, but I think you might have to, Moony.”
“But, Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D? ” Peter asked in disbelief.
“It is the only way left, my friends,” James intoned, peering over the top of his glasses in his best Dumbledore impression.
“What’s Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D?” Lily asked again, her voice rising. All three boys turned as one making emphatic ‘shh’ sounds. They looked over their shoulders to see if anyone was listening. “Just tell me… why all the melodrama?” she asked, a little exasperated. James turned pleadingly to his friends, only to find them waiting for him expectantly.
“Your girlfriend, Prongs,” Peter told him with a smug smile and a shrug. Remus crossed his arms resolutely.
“Oh, okay then…” He looked around again, just to make sure no one had moved any closer in the last few seconds. “Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D - to be used only by Padfoot, in the case where all other plans, both Initial and Emergency have failed or are rendered unusable by circumstances or person or persons unknown, preferably to be used only while drunk - basically boils down to this:” He drew closer and lowered his voice even further. “When all else fails - get naked.”
Lily blinked.
She blinked again, and then laughed.
“Ah… that explains a few things,” she shook her head in disbelief and reached out to pat the bemused James on the head. “I can’t believe you think stripping is a plan.” She paused for a second before adding: “I can’t believe you have set plans”
“It’s not my plan,” he said indignantly, “It’s Padfoot’s Emergency plan D, Prongs’ Emergency Plan D is utterly different.” She raised an eyebrow.
“It involves running round in a circle and screaming like a girl,” Peter provided, much to James’ embarrassment.
“That’s Prongs’ Emergency Plan E, Wormtail,” Remus corrected, ignoring James’ glare, “Plan D is the one where he sings.”
“Right…” James cut in firmly, “we were talking about Padfoot being oblivious, not about certain happenings that certain people swore never to speak of again,” he paused ominously, “and I happen to think that the only possible solution is Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D.”
“It might work,” Lily agreed, resting her chin on James’ shoulder to look at Remus. Her boyfriend forgot his embarrassment and beamed at her approval. “Lord knows you’ve tried everything else.”
“No…” Remus insisted, shaking his head. “There’s got to be another way.”
James shrugged. “Well, don’t expect sympathy when whatever else it is you try doesn’t work.”
“At least I’ll know that I haven’t quite lowered myself to your level yet, Prongs.” He held onto his dignity and walked away towards the dormitory.
Halfway up the stairs he remembered that Sirius was in the dormitory and groaned theatrically. He hovered indecisively for a moment: to go upstairs and risk the danger of Sirius or to go downstairs and risk the ridicule of James, Peter and Lily. In the end his pride won out over his sense of self-preservation. Like a true Gryffindor, he thought ruefully as he reached the door of their room.
When he walked into the dormitory Sirius was lounging on his bed in the far corner enchanting Peter’s exploding snap cards so they changed value every time you looked away from them. He greeted him with a huge smile, the sort of smile he never used on James or Peter, and Remus could feel his resolve crumbling and certain problems - which had been slowly resolving themselves - began to return. He swore under his breath.
“Hey Moony. You took your time,” Sirius said. “Do you know Pete’s got a stash of pornographic snap cards shoved down the side of his trunk?” He reached down and pulled them out, tossing them at Remus. “I’m going to do them next.” He paused, looking at Remus’ face carefully, before rolling himself around into a sitting position.
“Are you okay?” he asked with concern. “You look really tired, but full moon isn’t for another week… Are you ill?”
“I’m fine, Sirius,” he assured the other boy.
“You don’t look fine.” Sirius stood up and walked over to him He looked carefully into his face and brought one hand up to lightly touch the werewolf’s cheek and forehead. Remus tensed immediately at his touch and Sirius jerked back, as though Remus had tried to bite his hand off. “What’s wrong?” He demanded, clearly offended by the rejection.
“Nothing, Padfoot, just leave it,” Remus said wearily, sidestepping the concerned boy to collapse in a pile of frustrated misery on his own bed.
“Not until you tell me what’s wrong,” insisted Sirius with his usual bloody mindedness. Remus closed his eyes in an effort to get the horrible, awful, irritating, infuriatingly attractive boy to just disappear. No such luck, however, as there was a squeak as he sat at the foot of Remus’ bed. With no apparent concern for Remus’ sanity, nor his own continued existence, Sirius rested his hand gently on his friend’s thigh, just above where Remus’ knees flopped over the end of the bed. “Come on, Remus… tell me.”
Remus sat up abruptly to glare at Sirius, tugging his leg away from the warm pressure of Sirius’ hand.
“Oh, for Merlin’s merciful sake!” he growled, clenching his hands into fists so tight that his fingernails bit into his palms. “You can’t even tell what the problem is when everyone else in the whole sodding world can see it as plain as the bloody sun! You are the most stupid, blind, son of a bitch I have ever had the misfortune to -“ He broke off, realising that his tirade was not even making a dent in Sirius’ oblivion.
“Sod it all! That’s the problem: that you don’t even know what the sodding problem is. I wish you’d just open your eyes and engage your brain some times, Padfoot, I really do!” He grabbed his bag again and stormed out of the dormitory, down the stairs and through the common room, ignoring James and Peter’s shouts of “didn’t go so well, hey mate?”
The common room was still full of hushed whispers by the time that Sirius, having sat bewildered on the end of Remus’ bed for a good minute or so, came down. As soon as he emerged there was a general hum of understanding from the rest of the house as they decided what had happened. He ignored the eyes that followed him across the room to where James and Peter sat.
“Well, you buggered that up again, didn’t you?” James commented as Peter put him in Checkmate.
“Or, rather, he didn’t,” Peter said with a sly smile. Sirius shot him a confused look before turning back to James. Across the table, Lily groaned at the terrible pun and tossed a handful of suspicious looking Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans at Peter’s head.
“What did I bugger up?” he asked, completely nonplussed. James sighed and turned away from the devastation on the chess board. “Why’s Moony pissed off at me?”
“Because you’re an idiot,” he said succinctly. Sirius glanced around and got affirmative nods from the other two.
“Okay… but why this time?”
James thought for a second.
“What did Remus say to you, Padfoot?” he asked slowly. It would be best know exactly what he was working with before he said anything.
“He said there was nothing wrong, and I told him that was bollocks and he went off on one, yelled at me and ran off.” Sirius dropped into a cross-legged position on the floor, looking mournful. “I don’t think I did anything wrong this time.”
“What did he say while he was yelling, Padfoot?” James asked again, trying to tease the information out of his best friend. From the sidelines, now eating the remains of the Every Flavour Beans, Peter and Lily watched carefully.
“He said something about the sun and being blind… and then he said the problem was that I didn’t know what the problem was… which doesn’t make any sense, does it? Do you think he got struck by a Confundus charm?” James shook his head, but before he could reply, Lily interrupted.
“Sirius… Have you ever thought about how you act differently with Remus from how you act with James and Peter?” she asked gently. Sirius stared at her in confusion.
“Of course I act differently with him. He’s Remus, so I treat him like Remus, and I treat James like James and Peter like Peter… what’s wrong with that?”
“That’s not what I meant…” Lily had her best head girl voice on, although it was slightly strained. “I mean, think about how you treat him differently.” Sirius continued to stare blankly at her. “You know, you do: you touch him differently, and you talk to him differently, and you look at him differently.”
“Well I couldn’t very well look at him like he was Peter, could I?” Sirius said with a laugh, “I’d be staring at his chest.”
“Hey!” Peter complained, “I’m not that short!” James shot him a look of disbelief.
“Argh!” Lily groaned, pursing her lips. “That’s not what I meant Sirius… I meant. Oh good grief! No wonder poor Remus is about to murder you and send your body down to be the giant squid’s play thing. You’d drive anyone insane.” She turned to James.
“I give up… you handle it,” she told her boyfriend. James stared at her with despair. He had been hoping that Lily would sort this mess out for him, but clearly that was not to be.
“Well, Sirius… you see… it’s like this.” He pushed his hand through his hair in exasperation. “You and Moony, right… you’re like… Pete?” He turned to the third member of their group much to Lily’s irritation. Peter gave a small yelp and the amused grin fell from his face as Sirius’ eyes turned to him in expectation.
“You and Moony… right, uhm…” he took a deep breath. “You know when we charmed the Slytherins so that they all looked like they were cross dressing, but they were the only ones who couldn’t see it, or when we charmed Sniv- Snape’s robes so that they said ‘largest producer of oil in the Northern Hemisphere’ to everyone but him?” Sirius nodded. “It’s like that.” Peter smiled as he sat back, satisfied with his explanation.
“I have insults about Remus on the back of my robes?” Sirius asked twisting round to look at his back. Lily groaned into James’ shoulder and Peter shook his head frantically, looking at James pleadingly until he took over.
“No… No Padfoot, you don’t. Peter was using that as a simile or whatever, because it’s like that. We can all see the problem. Everyone can see the problem - except you.”
“Then why can’t you just tell me?” Sirius asked.
“Because… it’s not something you can really be told… and we’ve tried before. It’s just you never seem to listen. It’s… you and Remus.” Sirius waited for him to finish. “You’re… well, Remus likes you, you see, and you like Remus.”
“Yeah… and that’s why I don’t get why he’s yelling at me when I was just trying to be nice.”
“That’s why he’s yelling at you when you’re nice… because you’re only nice like that to him,” James told him, “but you don’t notice.”
“So he’s mad at me because I’m his friend?” Sirius was even more confused, if anything. He had the look on his face he got when he tried to follow the politics in History of Magic, or listen to Remus recite his presentation for Arithmancy. The scrunch of skin between his eyebrows clearly said that his brain was beginning to hurt, just not quite as much as those of the people trying to explain to him.
“Sirius… what my inept and ineloquent boyfriend is trying to say is that you like Remus like he likes me.”
“I like Remus like Remus likes you?”
“NO! You like Remus like JAMES likes me!” Lily said as James proceeded to bang his head against the table top. “And Remus likes you the same way, but he’s been waiting for you to figure it out and you were too bloody thick-headed to notice.”
Sirius sat in silence for a moment staring blankly straight ahead. Peter and Lily watched him closely as James swore to himself, punctuating every word with another thump of his head against the wood. A few seconds later Lily gripped him by the shoulders and tugged him upright, muttering that he didn’t have enough brain cells to go around as it was. The despairing head boy reluctantly sat upright and rubbed the red mark on his forehead before burying his face in his hands.
Sirius still stared straight ahead in silence until…
“Oh.”
Lily smiled in relief: she had been beginning to worry that she had broken the boy; Peter’s jaw dropped open in awe and James, cautiously, peered out between his fingers. They all held their breath.
“Ooooh…” Sirius said again with slow understanding. “Really?” He asked with complete surprise. All three of them nodded emphatically.
“Really,” Lily confirmed as her boyfriend gazed at her in complete awe and adoration.
“Oh,” Sirius repeated as they continued to watch him, “so earlier…?”
“Yes.”
“And last week, when we were mucking about in the common room and I proclaimed my undying love for him because he turned Peter’s Charms text-book into a duck?”
“Yes.”
“And in the hospital after the last…” he broke off with a quick look at Lily, “when I sat next to him on the bed?”
“Yes.”
“Oh… right. That sort of makes sense.” He sat in silence again, staring into space. “I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”
“Yes.” They all agreed with feeling. He lapsed into silence once more until Lily cleared her throat.
“Ahem… Sirius, don’t you think you should... go and find him.”
“Oh… right.” He stayed where he was for a second before blinking as the words filtered through into his brain. “Oh… right, yes, definitely.”
He stood up quickly and turned to the entrance, walking purposefully towards it before… he paused and turned back. “You don’t happen to know where he went, do you?” They shrugged. “Yeah, right… if you see him, tell him I’m looking for him, okay?” They nodded and gestured urgently for him to go. He began to walk again before stopping once more. “How should I, you know… I mean, I should apologise or something…”
“You’ll think of something,” Lily said with a smile.
“You always do,” Peter assured him as James gave him a thumbs-up. Sirius nodded before hurrying off after Remus.
James turned back to Lily in amazement.
“You…” he paused and shook his head. “But… we’ve been trying to tell him that for years and you… just… you know.” She smiled with amusement and let him pull her against his side, his arm around her waist. “I love you…” he whispered in astonished adoration and she laughed.
“I should think so too.”
***
Remus was busy taking his anger out on Arithmantic equations which refused to do as he told them. He was back in the library, muttering under his breath, and trying to avoid being noticed by anyone at all. He really did not want to get detention for hexing some unfortunate first year searching for the Transfiguration section who happened to ask the one person in the library who was currently set to hex first, check identity later.
It had occurred to him that the library was probably not the best place to hide from Sirius. On the other hand, no matter how big a nincompoop a certain dog animagus was being, he still had homework which had not been completed when he had been dragged from the library earlier, so he might as well get it done.
Fifteen minutes later he was regretting his decision.
“Moony?” a familiar voice whispered, and he glanced up to see Sirius’ head poking out from behind some shelves. “You’re not going to jinx me or anything are you?” Remus just glared at him before looking back down at his parchment. “Not that I would blame you or anything… if you wanted to.” Remus continued his valiant attempts to ignore him. “But… it’s just Lily, Prongs and Wormtail had a word with me.”
“Uhuh,” Remus grunted, trying to avoid noticing him out of the corner of his eye.
“And they, sort of… told me how big an idiot I’ve been. And Lily was… well she told me what the problem was.” Remus looked up, startled. A sudden epiphany was the last thing he had expected.
“So I’ve been thinking…”
“You know what the problem is?” Remus asked incredulously.
“Oh yes. If you had just told me…”
“I did tell you… repeatedly,” Remus said.
“Well, yes, but you never really made it clear. I always thought you were just being Remusy about things,” Sirius said with weary sigh. “Anyway, I was an idiot, and now there is no problem, because I know what the problem is.” He smiled happily.
“Yes… you’ve said that, but you still haven’t told me what the problem was,” Remus said uncertainly, watching Sirius with caution as though he was about to explode or turn into a crocodile.
“Oh, that…” he said as though it were unimportant. Remus restrained a growl and concentrated on not breaking his quill in half. “I’m in love with you, and you’re in love with me, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“It’s not?”
“No, I’m here to apologise, only I’m not very good at apologies. The last time I made one it ended in four weeks of detention.”
“And four corridors of carnage,” Remus added. He felt very much as though he were in one of his more bizarre dreams and he would look down in a minute to find someone had replaced all his books with cheese and he was dressed in a tutu. He shook his head to wake himself up, but Sirius was still standing there, just a head poking round a corner, having told him a moment ago, in a very matter of fact tone, that he was in love with him.
“Precisely, so I was thinking on the way down here that I needed a plan. Only I couldn’t think of one, so I had to go on to Plan B, but that wouldn’t work, because I didn’t know where I could find a giant dung-bomb on such short notice, and I didn’t really think it was appropriate anyway. So next I went onto Plan C, but then I remembered that the last time I brought a niffler into the library Madam Pince banned us all for three weeks and I didn’t think you’d really appreciate that as an apology so…”
Remus’ brain caught up with his friend’s logic a second later and his mouth dropped open in utter shock as he realised what was about to come next. There was a dramatic pause and then everything began to happen at once. Sirius stepped round the corner of the bookcase precisely as Madam Pince called out, with more outrage and disbelief than either of them had ever heard before.
“Mr Black, are you… NAKED? ” Remus blinked in disbelief as he noted that Mr Black was indeed naked, and wondered for a second why Madam Pince was asking a question to which the answer was patently obvious when what she should really be asking, what Remus himself intended to ask, was why.
Instead the words: “Sirius! We’re in the library!” were hissed out between his teeth. Sirius just shrugged with nonchalance that only Sirius Black (or possible James Potter) could maintain while standing completely nude in the middle of a library with an irate member of staff bearing down like a rabid bull on one side of him and one of his friends staring gormlessly at him on the other.
“Emergency Plan D cares not for location, time nor audience,” he said drawing himself up and straightening his shoulders. As Sirius did not seem to have thought through what happened next (as was always a distinct flaw in Padfoot’s Emergency Plan D) Remus took a moment to thank every possible higher power he could think of that it was not one of those dreams in which he was naked in front of the Hogwarts’ staff, paused for a second to marvel at the utter insanity that was Sirius Black, and then automatically began to plan their escape.
“You really were talking to Prongs, weren’t you,” Remus said, packing up his books as quickly as he could for the second time that day. His eyes insisted on drifting back over to Sirius in his unabashed nudity, but he pulled them back firmly to the task at hand and marshalled his brain to think of bookshelves and escape routes instead of skin and muscles and... other things unrelated to libraries. He forced himself to address more pressing matters. “You decided not to bring a niffler because Madam Pince would ban us from the library, but instead elected to parade around naked because that won’t get us banned!”
“Ah, but this way all the sting of your tragic exile from your haven of literature is diminished by the fact that I am naked,” Sirius told him as Madam Pince’s footsteps thundered towards them. Remus shook his head, but found that Sirius was infuriatingly right about that: nudity did indeed make up for the lack of library access. After all, they could always use the invisibility cloak if it was really necessary.
“Right,” he said, sizing up their options. “Come on. This way.”
They began to run, dodging round bookcases and shocked groups of third and fourth years. One cluster of sixth year Ravenclaws gawked shamelessly as they passed by and Sirius stopped to bow to them for a second before Remus noticed he had fallen behind and returned to drag him past them.
“Mr Black! ” Madam Pince yelled, with complete disregard for her own rules of library conduct. “I thought we had an understanding! ” (which goes to show that you should not trust a silent conversation based solely on winks). Sirius laughed as they cornered the advanced Transfiguration section and leapt the barrier into the restricted section.
“If we can reach the section on illegal curses by the time she gets to emotional charms, we should be able to loop past her at experimental mind magic,” Remus told him breathlessly, a huge smile on his face. Sirius just nodded, taking his word for it. “Where did you put your clothes?” Remus asked, the fact that Sirius could not possible have walked all the way from the Gryffindor common room starkers suddenly occurring to him.
“Third aisle of the Official records of the Goblin Wars,” Sirius told him, “no one ever goes down there.”
“That’s not on the way out,” Remus said, pulling Sirius down an aisle of books on necromantic theory. “We’ll have to summon them.”
“Accio clothes,” Sirius said dutifully, waving his wand in their general direction.
“Sirius! ” Remus hissed again, “For all you know you could have summoned the clothes of everyone in the library!”
“Well, at least then Pince would have a load more people to chase,” his naked friend said, “and it would be brilliant. Imagine… a whole library full of naked people. More people should be naked. Honestly Remus, you should try it some time,” he allowed his voice to drop to a suggestive level that, in Remus’ mind, was completely unfair at a time like this when he needed to think… with his brain. Remus quickly shook his head again to clear his mind and looked up at the sign on the shelves they were coming to, having lost track of their location somewhere around Sirius suggesting that libraries were better when naked. He breathed a sigh of relief when he discovered they had not past their exit.
“Here we are: illegal curses.” He looked behind them in time to see Sirius’ trousers flying towards them along with other articles of clothing. “Do you think she’s reached emotional charms?”
“Who knows,” Sirius said, grabbing clothes out of the air without missing a step.
“We’ll just have to risk it.”
“Really,” Sirius said as Madam Pince bellowed his name again. “I don’t know what her problem is. It’s not like she doesn’t read about worse in those dirty books of hers. In fact, I’m doing her a favour.” Remus did not dare ask how Sirius had worked that one out, although it turned out he did not have to: his friend was more than happy to elaborate. “Now, when she’s reading about so-and-so’s Adonis-like body she’ll at least have something decent to base it on.”
“You know, Padfoot,” Remus said as they came out the other end of Experimental Mind Magic and hurdled the barrier of the restricted section again, “one day you’re going to have to tell me exactly how you know so much about romance novels.” There was a sudden silence from the other and Remus laughed despite the stitch in his side and the enraged librarian pursuing them. His laughter alerted Madam Pince to their position and she immediately doubled back on herself, but they were in the home stretch now, running past a pair of First Year Hufflepuffs come to get books for their first potions essay. Remus had enough time to worry about their future mental health and Sirius enough time to wave at them cheerily before they were out of the doors and heading for the nearest empty classroom.
Once they were inside and the door was firmly shut and locked behind them, neither of them could stop laughing. Remus crumpled to the floor in fits of helpless mirth while Sirius tugged his trousers on, a satisfied smile on his face.
“I can’t - believe -” Remus forced out between chuckles that made his cheeks ache, “that you ran - through the library - naked.”
“I can’t believe I’ve never done it before,” Sirius told him, “it was highly liberating.”
“I don’t think you need any more liberating, Padfoot.”
“Cheered you up though, didn’t it?” Sirius said smugly, sliding down next to him as he buttoned up his shirt. Remus nodded, trying to hold down the last few hiccups of amusement. “Anyway, before the lady with the scandalous taste in literature interrupted us, where was I?” His companion fell silent, watching him carefully and wondering if the whole thing had just been set up to provide Sirius with yet another chance to streak. Then he realised that Sirius was staring back at him just as carefully.
“Oh… right,” Sirius said, leaning closer. “That’s where I was.” He drew so close that Remus could no longer focus on him. “Remus Lupin, I have been an oblivious and insufferable idiot, can you ever forgive me?”
“I could try,” Remus said, his mouth curving up into a smile again. Sirius’ apology proved to be very enthusiastic and far less destructive than any he had made previously. By the time the pair drew away from each other again, Remus was the one whose clothes were undone.
“How about now?” Sirius asked quietly.
“Sirius…” Remus said, gravely earnest, “this morning I was lying on top of you and you wouldn’t let me up until I called you ‘most beloved Padfoot’.” Sirius grinned.
“Yes, I suppose that does need a bit more apology.” He leaned forward to kiss down Remus’ throat from his ear to his collar bone.
“Grovelling might be good,” Remus suggested and Sirius smiled into the hollow of his throat.
“On my knees?” he asked in an innocent tone.
Remus swore eloquently.
***