The Shit Has Hit The Fan (metaphorically speaking)
So this last Thursday my dad asked me to take Dillon to his trombone lesson at The Music Cafe so he didn't have to. And since I was bribed with the chance to drive his car and get me some coffee, I went. It was on the drive there that I realized I'd left my cell phone at home. I figured it was no big deal since his lesson was only a half hour.
It was a nice half hour. I got to chat up Kaitlin Goodden who I hadn't seen in a while and I got a really good latte. It wasn't until I came home that the real fun began. I walked in to find my mom and dad having a conversation in the kitchen. Normal. But what wasn't normal was my cell phone lying open on the table to my sent messages. I picked it up and immediately looked at my mom who just kind of smiled.
Now normally this wouldn't be that big of a deal. I mean yeah I'd be pissed that my mom had looked through my messages, but whatever its not like its that important. Except that many of those messages had been with Aaron. And a lot of them revolved around us meeting up again. And at least one of them mentioned kissing and a few were a little suggestive. And THEN there were the texts with my friend Allyssa asking "so what do you do when someone insinuates they want to have sex with you but you're in no way ready"...so yeah. She read those.
For a while I wasn't sure what to do. I mean I wasn't POSITIVE that she'd read them. And even if she did I had no idea as to which ones she read. So I decided to ignore it. Like with the subject of my bisexuality, it didn't have to be an issue if we didn't talk about it....wow, doesn't that sound terrible? Anyway, I ignored it. But then I actually had to talk to her that night. She was sitting in the living room and I said, "Hey, two things." And proceeded to ask her if I'd be able to drive her into work tomorrow so I could use her car to job hunt, and also to tell her that Nina and Zena would be arriving soon to hang out at Pewaukee Lake. Now it was sometime during this that she took advantage of a break in the conversation to say, "You know...I really shouldn't have read your text messages...it was stupid because...honestly? ...It was...disturbing." To which I proceeded to talk about finding a job because A) Dillon was in the room and B) I just didn't want to talk about it! And then further into the conversation she squeezes in, "So where does Aaron live?" to which I responded, "Watertown" and continued talking about the lake or something.
Yeah...super awkward. Almost as awkward as us driving to Park View the next morning. We really didn't say much, just listened to the radio. I mentioned something about how it was weird that Jane got fired from the Jane and Kid show and stuff like that. And I kind of thought that we'd make it all the way there without talking about it. Apparently she was just biding her time because it was at the stoplights by Park View when she said, "You know...I think of all the gay men I know and...quite frankly...they disgust me." A little taken aback I said, "Didn't you say you had gay friends in college?" And she gets all indignant and says, "I had ONE gay friend...and his life was very tragic because of it." As if that's supposed to mean something. Keep in mind that this is the same friend she was raving about to Molly over dinner a few nights before this. Molly has a gay roommate named Calvin and she brought up something he did and my mom was all laughs and smiles and said, "Yeah, I had a friend in college and he did stuff with guys, he did stuff with girls. I think he leaned more towards guys, but he was always the best to talk to. We talked about everything and it was great because he could always give me the perfect male perspective." At the time I had thought that this was kind of her way of telling me she was accepting and that if I wanted to talk about it, we could. Boy was I wrong.
So while we were turning into Park View she's talking at me about how she hates being lied to (I'm assuming she was referring to the fact that I told her about the girls at school I wanted to date. Which was true. I just didn't tell her about the boys ~_^) and stuff like that I can't remember exactly what. So in an effort to fix the situation I said, "Well mom, just to clear things up, I'm not full-out gay. I like girls. I've kissed girls. I've kissed more than one girl. And another thing. My life isn't tragic. This isn't going to make my life tragic." Because you know I figured maybe she was just arfraid for me or something. But instead of really responding, she got snippy and said, "Well Andrew, you always have and always will just do what you want, so whatever." And started to get out of the car. I said, "Have a nice day at school!" with as much sincerity as I could muster and all I got was another, "Whatever" and a car door slammed in my face. Fantastic.
The best part was I got to pick her up from work that afternoon too! However not wanting to have a repeat of the morning I called everyone I knew until I got ahold of my friend Tiffany from school. I explained the situation to her while I was waiting for my mom to come out to the parking lot (she ended up being 20 minutes late. Typical) and talked to her the whole way home without saying anything to my mom...I'm still not sure if that just made the situation worse or not.
Regardless, nothing further happened that night. Oh no, it wasn't until this morning when the fun part started. I was woken up by my mother storming around the room doing laundry. All I remember is her being all pissed and giving me a big lecture on how being gay was wrong. I can't remember too many specifics because...well I had just woken up...but I do remember her saying "You know Andrew, I have never been embarrassed or ashamed of the things you've done. But I am. I am embarrassed and ashamed of you." And also asking me, "What are you thinking?" The best part though is when she said, "Well maybe we should announce it when we go to the graduation party at Ramstack's this afternoon. I'll just say, 'Hey everybody! My son Andrew went to college and now he's back and guess what? He's realized that he loves boys!'" I also think I heard her mutter something about "Aids" and "Patrick was right" as I was getting into the bathroom to shower. Later today we had a slightly more civil conversation on the stairs. But even that didn't go well. It started off with her saying, "You know I knew things would be different when you came home. After the first year of college kids are more independent they have their freedom...but...I wasn't prepared for THIS." So I tried to explain things to her. Tried to tell her that I'm not surprised she didn't understand because it wasn't an easy thing to wrap your head around. I even tried to compare it to choosing a canidate for an election but instead of looking at Democrat or Republican you look at the canidate themselves. But I think she took that more as I was saying, "You couldn't possibly understand me!" At least she went on to tell me that I always prided myself on being "different" and she thought that many times I did things like this for all the wrong reasons. Stuff like that. Like I CHOSE to be bisexual and leave my phone for her to look at just so I could be dramatic and have attention......right. I love that. :)
I also brought up to her the fact that out of everyone I told, she was the ONLY person to ever have a problem with it. I don't think she liked that either because she said, "Oh. Okay. Well why don't you just tell EVERYONE then and see who has a problem with it. Here. Why don't we call your grandparents and you can tell them? Or tell your FATHER. Or your BROTHER. Tell anyone that TRULY loves you and see what THEIR reaction is to it." I don't remember what else we talked about, but the point is she didn't understand.
Thankfully she left shortly after that for a few hours. I mean when she got back things were still tense, but at least she wasn't freaking out. Except then we had to go to a graduation party together with Dillon. I was just thankful that he could be there so my mom didn't try to have another freak out on the way over. I wasn't looking forward to going because I thought it'd be kind of weird and awkward to see everyone I haven't seen in a year. And it was both weird and awkward. But in a way I'm so glad we went. My mom got to spend three hours just sitting and talking with her friends and I think it mellowed her out a little because on the way home things were more normal. And when we got back to the house we actually had normal conversation. I can only hope its a sign that she'll get over it. Honestly the reason I was kind of taken aback by the whole thing was that I thought we already did this last April? Didn't she find out about me being bisexual last April or did I imagine that? So I don't know if she let herself think that it was just a phase? Or that I was never going to act on what I was feeling? Or if I just led her to believe that I was just "confused". I have no idea. Either way I hadn't planned for this.
-sigh-
I'm sure she'll get over it eventually. I mean I really hope she will.
I don't feel like finding a new place to live. =)
Love and Stuff,
Andrew
It was a nice half hour. I got to chat up Kaitlin Goodden who I hadn't seen in a while and I got a really good latte. It wasn't until I came home that the real fun began. I walked in to find my mom and dad having a conversation in the kitchen. Normal. But what wasn't normal was my cell phone lying open on the table to my sent messages. I picked it up and immediately looked at my mom who just kind of smiled.
Now normally this wouldn't be that big of a deal. I mean yeah I'd be pissed that my mom had looked through my messages, but whatever its not like its that important. Except that many of those messages had been with Aaron. And a lot of them revolved around us meeting up again. And at least one of them mentioned kissing and a few were a little suggestive. And THEN there were the texts with my friend Allyssa asking "so what do you do when someone insinuates they want to have sex with you but you're in no way ready"...so yeah. She read those.
For a while I wasn't sure what to do. I mean I wasn't POSITIVE that she'd read them. And even if she did I had no idea as to which ones she read. So I decided to ignore it. Like with the subject of my bisexuality, it didn't have to be an issue if we didn't talk about it....wow, doesn't that sound terrible? Anyway, I ignored it. But then I actually had to talk to her that night. She was sitting in the living room and I said, "Hey, two things." And proceeded to ask her if I'd be able to drive her into work tomorrow so I could use her car to job hunt, and also to tell her that Nina and Zena would be arriving soon to hang out at Pewaukee Lake. Now it was sometime during this that she took advantage of a break in the conversation to say, "You know...I really shouldn't have read your text messages...it was stupid because...honestly? ...It was...disturbing." To which I proceeded to talk about finding a job because A) Dillon was in the room and B) I just didn't want to talk about it! And then further into the conversation she squeezes in, "So where does Aaron live?" to which I responded, "Watertown" and continued talking about the lake or something.
Yeah...super awkward. Almost as awkward as us driving to Park View the next morning. We really didn't say much, just listened to the radio. I mentioned something about how it was weird that Jane got fired from the Jane and Kid show and stuff like that. And I kind of thought that we'd make it all the way there without talking about it. Apparently she was just biding her time because it was at the stoplights by Park View when she said, "You know...I think of all the gay men I know and...quite frankly...they disgust me." A little taken aback I said, "Didn't you say you had gay friends in college?" And she gets all indignant and says, "I had ONE gay friend...and his life was very tragic because of it." As if that's supposed to mean something. Keep in mind that this is the same friend she was raving about to Molly over dinner a few nights before this. Molly has a gay roommate named Calvin and she brought up something he did and my mom was all laughs and smiles and said, "Yeah, I had a friend in college and he did stuff with guys, he did stuff with girls. I think he leaned more towards guys, but he was always the best to talk to. We talked about everything and it was great because he could always give me the perfect male perspective." At the time I had thought that this was kind of her way of telling me she was accepting and that if I wanted to talk about it, we could. Boy was I wrong.
So while we were turning into Park View she's talking at me about how she hates being lied to (I'm assuming she was referring to the fact that I told her about the girls at school I wanted to date. Which was true. I just didn't tell her about the boys ~_^) and stuff like that I can't remember exactly what. So in an effort to fix the situation I said, "Well mom, just to clear things up, I'm not full-out gay. I like girls. I've kissed girls. I've kissed more than one girl. And another thing. My life isn't tragic. This isn't going to make my life tragic." Because you know I figured maybe she was just arfraid for me or something. But instead of really responding, she got snippy and said, "Well Andrew, you always have and always will just do what you want, so whatever." And started to get out of the car. I said, "Have a nice day at school!" with as much sincerity as I could muster and all I got was another, "Whatever" and a car door slammed in my face. Fantastic.
The best part was I got to pick her up from work that afternoon too! However not wanting to have a repeat of the morning I called everyone I knew until I got ahold of my friend Tiffany from school. I explained the situation to her while I was waiting for my mom to come out to the parking lot (she ended up being 20 minutes late. Typical) and talked to her the whole way home without saying anything to my mom...I'm still not sure if that just made the situation worse or not.
Regardless, nothing further happened that night. Oh no, it wasn't until this morning when the fun part started. I was woken up by my mother storming around the room doing laundry. All I remember is her being all pissed and giving me a big lecture on how being gay was wrong. I can't remember too many specifics because...well I had just woken up...but I do remember her saying "You know Andrew, I have never been embarrassed or ashamed of the things you've done. But I am. I am embarrassed and ashamed of you." And also asking me, "What are you thinking?" The best part though is when she said, "Well maybe we should announce it when we go to the graduation party at Ramstack's this afternoon. I'll just say, 'Hey everybody! My son Andrew went to college and now he's back and guess what? He's realized that he loves boys!'" I also think I heard her mutter something about "Aids" and "Patrick was right" as I was getting into the bathroom to shower. Later today we had a slightly more civil conversation on the stairs. But even that didn't go well. It started off with her saying, "You know I knew things would be different when you came home. After the first year of college kids are more independent they have their freedom...but...I wasn't prepared for THIS." So I tried to explain things to her. Tried to tell her that I'm not surprised she didn't understand because it wasn't an easy thing to wrap your head around. I even tried to compare it to choosing a canidate for an election but instead of looking at Democrat or Republican you look at the canidate themselves. But I think she took that more as I was saying, "You couldn't possibly understand me!" At least she went on to tell me that I always prided myself on being "different" and she thought that many times I did things like this for all the wrong reasons. Stuff like that. Like I CHOSE to be bisexual and leave my phone for her to look at just so I could be dramatic and have attention......right. I love that. :)
I also brought up to her the fact that out of everyone I told, she was the ONLY person to ever have a problem with it. I don't think she liked that either because she said, "Oh. Okay. Well why don't you just tell EVERYONE then and see who has a problem with it. Here. Why don't we call your grandparents and you can tell them? Or tell your FATHER. Or your BROTHER. Tell anyone that TRULY loves you and see what THEIR reaction is to it." I don't remember what else we talked about, but the point is she didn't understand.
Thankfully she left shortly after that for a few hours. I mean when she got back things were still tense, but at least she wasn't freaking out. Except then we had to go to a graduation party together with Dillon. I was just thankful that he could be there so my mom didn't try to have another freak out on the way over. I wasn't looking forward to going because I thought it'd be kind of weird and awkward to see everyone I haven't seen in a year. And it was both weird and awkward. But in a way I'm so glad we went. My mom got to spend three hours just sitting and talking with her friends and I think it mellowed her out a little because on the way home things were more normal. And when we got back to the house we actually had normal conversation. I can only hope its a sign that she'll get over it. Honestly the reason I was kind of taken aback by the whole thing was that I thought we already did this last April? Didn't she find out about me being bisexual last April or did I imagine that? So I don't know if she let herself think that it was just a phase? Or that I was never going to act on what I was feeling? Or if I just led her to believe that I was just "confused". I have no idea. Either way I hadn't planned for this.
-sigh-
I'm sure she'll get over it eventually. I mean I really hope she will.
I don't feel like finding a new place to live. =)
Love and Stuff,
Andrew