i hate being jealous

[definatelyabbie]

i don't understand this. I really don't think i'm that bad looking, and it still seems that no one other than Kyle is ever going to be interested in me like that. I am sitting on bed crying in pajamas still, watching the heroes marathon that's been on all day preparing to spend another saturday night alone, with people mad at me, and people who no longer even like me. While Acadia is on her way to dinner with joel before she goes to prom. I'm a firm believer that everything you go through you can learn things from, but i don't understand why shes getting things that i want so desperately, when she doesnt' want them at all. I want my mother to accept me the way she does acadia, i wanted to go to prom so much and she was almost annoyed when Joel wanted to her to go with him. So now my prom dress hangs in the closet preparing to go a long period of time unworn and unneccessary. I hate being jealous, especially of her, because whenever i tell her that i am jealous she gets agrivated with me. I want to be able to be friends with Alexis and CB and not have to give up being friends with Joe. But I've almost given up on the idea that Alexis and CB will ever care about me again, which is hard, because I've spent a large portion of my knowing them aching for their acceptance. I realize my life isnt hard at all compared to some peoples. But it seems liek i'm being forced into all these decisions that i dont' wanna make.

My mom filed for divorce. As soon as my fathers attorney gets the papers they have to go to custodial court and I'm gonna have to choose who i want to live with most of the time. Whether Acadia stays here, or not. I don't want her to leave, she's what keeps me sane most of the time, but i worry that once the papers are received, she'll be yanked from my grasp and another piece of my heart will be gone.