You're killing me, smalls.
Dammit. I really loved that stupid job.
Im thawing out. Walked ten miles today in a vain attempt to get to work.
Once warm... I shall pack.
Once again, i find myself leaving a place i do not want to leave with nowhere else to be. Feels stupidly simple; as though i must not have tried everything within reason to stay. But money comes from work. This week was my last chance. I needed every day.
Work slipped through my idiot fingers for the fate-sealing last time today. I had been trying to be less of a burden, less of a nag. Trying to kill that nasty habit of making sure no one forgot me every 5 minutes. If I had any future here at all; id have learned an important lesson today.
So.
Walked 5 miles to a bank.
Got there as the sun went down.
Fourth cab company was willing.
Eighty dollars.
I breathed deeply and held back the tears. The lunch I made Matty still weighed heavily in my backpack. I had long lost my appetite. I lovingly placed it in the bus stop, leaving the cutlery, in case someone was still hungry. I zipped up my bag. I lit a cigarette. I headed for home; wondering if I had just controlled my tone of voice for seventeen seconds; if this could have all ended well.
It was easier when I could just blame someone, be pissed at Jeff, or Kevin, or anyone, for demolishing my time with broken promises. Telling me to wait when i should have just gone... for yelling at me when i clearly need to remind them that I exist. I keep trying to resurrect that blame; that anger, that comfort. i cant.
I just keep thinking about how much i miss them all already. About how even an epic effort is worthless. About how happy I really am; every stupid day just working. How much I hate days off. The happy thoughts, the love... those slay me. It is easy to leave when I want to leave. I happily "quit" a thousand times. Never like this. For the first time: I'm upset because I'm leaving; I'm not leaving because I'm upset.
I tried to tell myself there's no crying in baseball, but I wept bitterly; because I was nowhere near the ballpark.
I should have could have would have relied upon no one from the beginning. It breaks my heart to have left people thinking that I am someone I am not... and be it haughty or demanding or spiteful or a pain in the ass; I must deserve it. Or did, at some point. I have sought a solution from myself, and every other resource available to me. I wish I could stay. I wish I could turn this around. but wishing is stupid. So long as I am out of ideas, and out of favors, out of love, and out of money...
im going to pack. There is nothing left to do.
At least I shall go out swinging; and have an incredible day tomorrow. I shall be sure of it; and trust it to no one. It is too precious. I hope I wont get too wrapped up in goodbye to solve this. I hope i work like there's no tomorrow. Funny how difficult that is; when there really isn't.
Im thawing out. Walked ten miles today in a vain attempt to get to work.
Once warm... I shall pack.
Once again, i find myself leaving a place i do not want to leave with nowhere else to be. Feels stupidly simple; as though i must not have tried everything within reason to stay. But money comes from work. This week was my last chance. I needed every day.
Work slipped through my idiot fingers for the fate-sealing last time today. I had been trying to be less of a burden, less of a nag. Trying to kill that nasty habit of making sure no one forgot me every 5 minutes. If I had any future here at all; id have learned an important lesson today.
So.
Walked 5 miles to a bank.
Got there as the sun went down.
Fourth cab company was willing.
Eighty dollars.
I breathed deeply and held back the tears. The lunch I made Matty still weighed heavily in my backpack. I had long lost my appetite. I lovingly placed it in the bus stop, leaving the cutlery, in case someone was still hungry. I zipped up my bag. I lit a cigarette. I headed for home; wondering if I had just controlled my tone of voice for seventeen seconds; if this could have all ended well.
It was easier when I could just blame someone, be pissed at Jeff, or Kevin, or anyone, for demolishing my time with broken promises. Telling me to wait when i should have just gone... for yelling at me when i clearly need to remind them that I exist. I keep trying to resurrect that blame; that anger, that comfort. i cant.
I just keep thinking about how much i miss them all already. About how even an epic effort is worthless. About how happy I really am; every stupid day just working. How much I hate days off. The happy thoughts, the love... those slay me. It is easy to leave when I want to leave. I happily "quit" a thousand times. Never like this. For the first time: I'm upset because I'm leaving; I'm not leaving because I'm upset.
I tried to tell myself there's no crying in baseball, but I wept bitterly; because I was nowhere near the ballpark.
I should have could have would have relied upon no one from the beginning. It breaks my heart to have left people thinking that I am someone I am not... and be it haughty or demanding or spiteful or a pain in the ass; I must deserve it. Or did, at some point. I have sought a solution from myself, and every other resource available to me. I wish I could stay. I wish I could turn this around. but wishing is stupid. So long as I am out of ideas, and out of favors, out of love, and out of money...
im going to pack. There is nothing left to do.
At least I shall go out swinging; and have an incredible day tomorrow. I shall be sure of it; and trust it to no one. It is too precious. I hope I wont get too wrapped up in goodbye to solve this. I hope i work like there's no tomorrow. Funny how difficult that is; when there really isn't.