I toughed it out today.
And I did it with a smile. I did all the awful things i had to do. My day began at 5 this morning, on no sleep (due to terror dream) and I woke up sick as a dog. And as not worth it all the bullshit was today, it really was; because at least i proved something to myself today. I was very grownup. I survived, and I was as chipper and sweet as I have vowed to be; through every agonizing moment of it.
Part of me mourns the loss of that uncompromising, self-adoring, brassy bipolarish lass I had been until quite recently... but part of me is happy to know that i can change, and that I have changed, and that I do indeed have some perseverance left, despite having perennially exhausted every ounce of what i thought i had left.
Im used to mood swings, im used to being unstable, and hope springing anew like texas oil on the dusty plain. What I'm not used to, is being thankful for a steady daily ration... being okay with being okay. And I think for once i am.
Things suck. But Im alright. Not great, not desperate, just alright. and It's tedious; but it isnt killing me. which is new. I hope I don't drop the ball and go all emo one night, but i think i can hold out so long as i keep my eye on some prize, even if some of those goals are self-lies. I can handle that pragmatism now. Barely, but still. I'm working it out, the slow way, the right way, for once.
Part of me mourns the loss of that uncompromising, self-adoring, brassy bipolarish lass I had been until quite recently... but part of me is happy to know that i can change, and that I have changed, and that I do indeed have some perseverance left, despite having perennially exhausted every ounce of what i thought i had left.
Im used to mood swings, im used to being unstable, and hope springing anew like texas oil on the dusty plain. What I'm not used to, is being thankful for a steady daily ration... being okay with being okay. And I think for once i am.
Things suck. But Im alright. Not great, not desperate, just alright. and It's tedious; but it isnt killing me. which is new. I hope I don't drop the ball and go all emo one night, but i think i can hold out so long as i keep my eye on some prize, even if some of those goals are self-lies. I can handle that pragmatism now. Barely, but still. I'm working it out, the slow way, the right way, for once.