Everybody Loves Somebody To Hate
Travis is one of those guys who's a total catch, and he knows it too. Easy on the eyes, cocky in the most charming way possible, and has a way of making everyone feel special. Girls yearn for him, guys aspire to be him. Everyone wants a piece of Travis in their life, and we all want to be wanted by him.
He tried to make me think we shared secrets, that I knew some special part of him that no one else knew, but everyone knew it and then some. He asked what I was thinking when I spaced out, and commented on actions of mine he found quirky and intriguing. He lived to get a rise out of me, and I lived to brush him off like he was the biggest bother in the world even though he was giving me thrills. He knew he had this effect on me. Travis and I's relationship was like balancing on a tight rope. It needed to be kept taught, and we had a mutual understanding that we needed to stay on the opposite sides of the rope from each other. The most annoying part about all this was that I knew his game and he knew mine. I knew he got his thrills from making girls feel special. And he knew I got my thrills from keeping up a mysterious persona. We knew exactly what the other was up to and yet we fed each other's need. And what pissed me off the most was that even though I knew exactly what he was doing, he still made me blush. He shouldn't have been able to effect me but he did.
When Travis played his same old tricks on other girls it got me a bit jealous, but I wouldn't dare show it. To show jealousy would be the loss of my power. I wouldn't be like the others who chased after him. I was the mystery, he had to come after me. During these times that he displayed his attention for other girls, I acted oblivious to him, like I didn't need him. But he'd always come wandering back eventually and I'd rejoice inside. He never stayed though. And even though I knew his admiration was hot and cold I was still disappointed when I didn't get it.
He moved out of town before I got a change to--another loss of power on my part. I wanted to be the one leaving him, not the one getting left behind. I had absolutely no closure with him. As a matter of fact I actually felt pretty shitty the moment he rushed out the door to catch his train, for he had unintentionally put the blame on me for his running late. I was his relief at work that day, and I'd gotten stuck in traffic, thus delaying his departure. I remember sitting hunched over in a stain-covered swivel chair as I watched him go. I felt numb, so numb. I sat in silence for the rest of my shift, helping customers on auto pilot when they came along. I couldn't even think complete thoughts or pay attention to what people were saying. All I could feel was loss.
The emptiness faded faster than I thought it would. Within in a couple of weeks he was nothing but another song in my notebook. Life proceeded as it used to, and I even went days at a time without thinking about him. Soon enough he stopped visiting me in my dreams. So I was surprised when I was informed today that he was moving back to town just to date Kristen...and it put me in a mood.
I absolutely adored Kristen while we worked together. She was cute, funny, smart, and just all around fun to be with. While I adored Kristen, I was well aware of what type of girl she was. I knew her game as well as I knew his.
Kristen is the type of girl who wears plum lipstick, the type of girl who grabs your hand and lets you feel the pacemaker in her chest, the type of girl who used to be a lifeguard, who every clothing store wants to hire, who can pull off being blond, and was just blessed with the gift of being charismatic without trying. She's the girl every guy wants, and every girl wants to be. She's like Travis. And perhaps that is why I felt envious of both of them today, because they both obtained the unattainable: each other. I can't be a Kristen and I can't have a Travis. And even though I know I shouldn't want these things I still somewhat secretly do. I may not know my fate but I certainly know theirs, and it wont be together.
By the time they reunite I should be long gone in Portland, Oregon. Where I will have found another Kristen and another Travis, because I always do. I know this because before Kristen there was Harmony, and before Harmony there was Xena. My Travis used to be a Forrest, and before that a Sebastian.
Everybody loves somebody to hate.
He tried to make me think we shared secrets, that I knew some special part of him that no one else knew, but everyone knew it and then some. He asked what I was thinking when I spaced out, and commented on actions of mine he found quirky and intriguing. He lived to get a rise out of me, and I lived to brush him off like he was the biggest bother in the world even though he was giving me thrills. He knew he had this effect on me. Travis and I's relationship was like balancing on a tight rope. It needed to be kept taught, and we had a mutual understanding that we needed to stay on the opposite sides of the rope from each other. The most annoying part about all this was that I knew his game and he knew mine. I knew he got his thrills from making girls feel special. And he knew I got my thrills from keeping up a mysterious persona. We knew exactly what the other was up to and yet we fed each other's need. And what pissed me off the most was that even though I knew exactly what he was doing, he still made me blush. He shouldn't have been able to effect me but he did.
When Travis played his same old tricks on other girls it got me a bit jealous, but I wouldn't dare show it. To show jealousy would be the loss of my power. I wouldn't be like the others who chased after him. I was the mystery, he had to come after me. During these times that he displayed his attention for other girls, I acted oblivious to him, like I didn't need him. But he'd always come wandering back eventually and I'd rejoice inside. He never stayed though. And even though I knew his admiration was hot and cold I was still disappointed when I didn't get it.
He moved out of town before I got a change to--another loss of power on my part. I wanted to be the one leaving him, not the one getting left behind. I had absolutely no closure with him. As a matter of fact I actually felt pretty shitty the moment he rushed out the door to catch his train, for he had unintentionally put the blame on me for his running late. I was his relief at work that day, and I'd gotten stuck in traffic, thus delaying his departure. I remember sitting hunched over in a stain-covered swivel chair as I watched him go. I felt numb, so numb. I sat in silence for the rest of my shift, helping customers on auto pilot when they came along. I couldn't even think complete thoughts or pay attention to what people were saying. All I could feel was loss.
The emptiness faded faster than I thought it would. Within in a couple of weeks he was nothing but another song in my notebook. Life proceeded as it used to, and I even went days at a time without thinking about him. Soon enough he stopped visiting me in my dreams. So I was surprised when I was informed today that he was moving back to town just to date Kristen...and it put me in a mood.
I absolutely adored Kristen while we worked together. She was cute, funny, smart, and just all around fun to be with. While I adored Kristen, I was well aware of what type of girl she was. I knew her game as well as I knew his.
Kristen is the type of girl who wears plum lipstick, the type of girl who grabs your hand and lets you feel the pacemaker in her chest, the type of girl who used to be a lifeguard, who every clothing store wants to hire, who can pull off being blond, and was just blessed with the gift of being charismatic without trying. She's the girl every guy wants, and every girl wants to be. She's like Travis. And perhaps that is why I felt envious of both of them today, because they both obtained the unattainable: each other. I can't be a Kristen and I can't have a Travis. And even though I know I shouldn't want these things I still somewhat secretly do. I may not know my fate but I certainly know theirs, and it wont be together.
By the time they reunite I should be long gone in Portland, Oregon. Where I will have found another Kristen and another Travis, because I always do. I know this because before Kristen there was Harmony, and before Harmony there was Xena. My Travis used to be a Forrest, and before that a Sebastian.
Everybody loves somebody to hate.