I'm Loving Angels Instead (RPF Big Bang: Part I)
Part One: Downfall
But God loves human beings more than angels. ~ Carl Jung
May 9th, 2009. 11:57 p.m.
Ed Jovanovski opened his eyes through a fog of sweat and mist that filled the Devils’ club, which he was currently occupying. Ironic name, but he wasn’t able to think at all about that right now. He sat in a red leather booth toward the back of the club, alone. Some of his teammates were there with him, but they sat far away; still within Ed’s eyesight, but the three of them were enjoying watching their own little show.
He didn’t recall passing out, and yet he was not sure how much time had passed since his eyes were last open. All he knew was that the lights were blinding and the combination of heavy bass music playing and alcohol he had consumed caused the nasty banging sound in his head.
At least the other guys seemed to be having a good time. Keith was salivating at the dancers in front of him, and Scottie had a damn near evil smirk on his face at this development, Matthew Lombardi sitting right there by his side. Ed was far past having fun; this was now simply a job, his duty. And all he could think about anymore was Shane Doan. Damn Shane and his holiness, his power, his everything.
Ed wanted him, in every way possible. He wanted to be him, he wanted what Shane had, he wanted to be inside Shane, honestly. Wanted Shane to be inside him. But the sad thing was that he already was; Shane was so much a part of him already that Ed knew if Shane was gone then he wouldn’t exist anymore. Yin and Yang often worked like that. There could be no Lucifer without God.
Ed shook his head to rid himself of his thoughts. Unconsciously he began to rub his palm across his forehead, the sweat coming off of his skin like sticky glue. It really was too hot inside Devils’. He knew the owner quite well. Knew that it was all part of the trick, to get customers hot and bothered. There was no such thing as air conditioning inside this place. With the Arizona heat the way it was, this lack of AC was almost deathly.
The other men in the club did not seem to notice. They were much too enthralled with the plethora of hot, glistening female bodies served up like a buffet for their enjoyment. There were male dancers too, if that’s what the customers preferred. Ed knew some of the guys on the team liked to watch the men sometimes, but most of his teammates came for the female entertainment. Ed liked to watch both. Although the men made him think of Shane and the women made him think of Kirstin, neither made him feel guilty.
+ - + - +
Devils’ was not your typical strip joint. However dirty it might have appeared at first glance, it was actually considered a high class establishment by most. There were naked bodies and lap dances, but there was also romance and fantasies fulfilled. For the right price, the customer could have whatever he or she secretly, or not so secretly, desired. There were toys and costumes and role-playing games. Pricey private rooms could be rented out by the hour, providing the perfect backdrop for whatever sensual act the patron wanted performed for them or to them. Ed had used one of these rooms too many times to count. The dancers all knew him by name, and not just because he was a hockey player. In this place filled with sinners, the name Lucifer was always on everybody’s tongue.
He tried to forget why he kept coming here. He told himself it was just a job. He pleaded with Shane sometimes, trying to explain. That he really had no choice. The devil held his soul. That demon could crush it any time he chose to. Ed had power, the power to persuade and bedazzle, to hold others under his seductive spell, but he did not have power like that. If it came down to a showdown between the devil and himself, he would lose. Every time.
Shane tried to convince Ed that he could help him. That they were in this together. In a way Ed wanted to believe him, to believe that Shane was truly on his side. Shane had power too; he was always trying to tip the scales back to the side of good. Truthfully, he was usually successful. But Ed knew that in the end he had the advantage, in that men liked to sin. Most were family men, thrust into a close-quartered cage that society placed around them, dutifully following the rules and regulations that were set into place… and they were just dying to break free from their chains. This natural longing was something Ed could use for his own benefit.
Of course, some were easier to convince than others. Things had become extremely interesting for both Ed and Shane when Scottie and Matthew were traded to the team. As close of friends as Uppy and Lombo had become from the moment they became Coyotes together, the two men were truly like night and day. Ed barely had to hint at the existence of Devils’ before Scottie was asking to go with him one night.
Truth be told, a part of Scottie’s soul was already possessed by the dark. He was still a good man, personable and extremely likeable, but hints of danger dripped off of him like rain. His weakness being sins of the flesh, Devils’ was the perfect place to bring Scottie, turning his soul into an object that the demon could control. Ed had been praised for his good work. He cringed when he heard the devil’s voice in his head, but knew he would continue doing what had to be done.
After bringing Scottie to Devils’, the obvious next step would be to have Matthew come with him. But Lombo was just about as pristine as they came. His aura was completely white; his entire being was clean and innocent. Ed had balked at the idea that any person could be that angelic; even Shane The Great was not that pure. But Ed had the ability to see the auras of every person he came into contact with, and there was no denying that Matthew was untainted.
Shane thought he clearly had won this one. At first. Shane barely had to do any work to offer up Matthew’s soul to the gods. Normally Ed was alright with letting Shane have his few souls, but for whatever reason he wanted this one, more than any of the others. Lombardi was special, any simpleton could tell, but even more importantly than that he provided a challenge. And Ed was never one to turn down a challenge.
The best part was that Matthew was exciting. A change of pace. It made Ed’s skin tingle, just thinking about the accolades he’d receive for capturing this man’s humanity. It was odd. Normally Ed hated what he had to do for the devil. But this… this would promote him even higher than the devil himself. If he could capture Matthew for the side of evil, Ed would be set free. He knew it. The price would be the virtue of Matthew’s life, but it was a price that, Ed admitted to himself, he was willing to pay.
And Scottie was the key. Scottie was the key to everything. Matthew trusted him. Matthew liked him. Maybe liked him a little too much. It was the one blemish Ed could see in the man’s character, and it was the Achilles’ heel that Ed could use to lead him to his own downfall. Matt would follow Scottie to the club if Scottie asked him to do so, not knowing the entire truth about the consequences of his actions. It was about more than simple sin, more important than indulging in his desires, more dangerous than the possibility of losing his wife.
If Matthew’s aura was corrupted due to Ed’s influence, his soul would be up for grabs. It would be weighed by the gods and the demons equally, until a tip in the scales was determined and his being could then be claimed by one or the other.
For his own sake, Ed hoped that Matthew would be claimed by the demons, just as he himself had been taken so many years ago.
+ - + - +
Earlier that evening, May 9th. 8:32 p.m.
Scottie felt practically giddy with excitement. Devils’ had quickly become his favorite spot for fun and pleasure, a place where he could let go and do just about whatever the hell he wanted. The business had a strict “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. A stupid requirement for the military, but a great protection for well-known people such as himself who did not wish to be discovered. He had a girlfriend and thousands of adoring teenage fans who did not need to know about his darker side that he liked to indulge from time to time. Actually when it came to his girlfriend, she was probably worse than he was, but he did not wish to test her loyalty to him if he could avoid it.
He had to thank Jovo for introducing him to the club. When Scottie had first moved to Scottsdale, everything about the new city was daunting. Hockey in the desert, how could it ever work? But it did work, for a while. Once he got over the initial shock of being traded, the transition became a lot easier. In that regard, he was grateful to have Matthew Lombardi as his roommate and close friend.
They played on a line together practically from the start, and the chemistry between them on the ice was as obvious as the dynamic of attraction between Shane and Ed. It worked in exactly the same way as well; everybody knew it existed but nobody seemed to want to talk about it out in the open. None of that mattered to Scottie, though. Lombo was his center on the ice and his right-wing man off of it. Scottie always liked to have his own boy toy, and Matthew seemed to fit that open position perfectly.
“I’m going to take you out,” Scottie told him, with a hint of finality in his tone. Matthew looked at him questioningly, his head tilting just so in that adorable away that made even Scottie’s straight self weak in the knees.
“And I’m guessing that I have no say in the matter,” the other man responded.
Scottie nodded, a slightly cunning smile coming to his face. “You will have a good time, I promise.”
“For some reason, if it’s your idea of a good time, then I doubt that.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Scottie said, slapping him on the shoulder. “You love spending time with me. And would I ever steer you wrong?”
Matthew laughed, a sound that was usually beautiful to Scottie’s ears, but this time the chuckle held a hint of malice behind it. “Yes, yes you would,” Matthew said, and despite the laughs he sounded completely serious. Scottie frowned. He didn’t like this one bit.
“We’re going to have a good time, I promise. Avez-vous confiance en moi?”
“Je te fais confiance,” Matthew said. I trust you.
“Good.” Scottie knew using French would work on him. Thank the devil, those forced French classes in grade school actually came in handy for something. And to hear even those few foreign words come from Matthew’s lips… it was like hearing liquid honey.
Matthew turned around to face Scottie’s full length mirror, which was hung up on his wall. Scottie was all about appearance, and the mirror was essential to keep his pretty look on a daily basis. Now Matthew’s reflection was there, looking back at him. Matt reached up to his neck and began to fumble with the top of his dress shirt. Scottie came up behind him, draped his arms over the man’s shoulder and reached around to begin fussing with his collar. Matthew’s reflection stared back at him as Scottie moved his hands, fixing his shirt collar before moving down to unbutton the first button on his shirt.
When he paused in his work, Matthew reached up to hold down his hands, pressing them to his chest. Scottie grinned, leaning forward to press his face into the man’s neck, smelling his expensive cologne. He breathed it in, the curls at the base of Matthew’s ear tickling his nose. Scottie placed one chaste kiss to the bottom of his neck, right above his collarbone, before pulling away. He looked into the mirror to gauge Matthew’s reaction.
Matt looked back at him, his eyes a darker shade of brown than Scottie had ever seen before. His cheeks had turned a bright shade of pink. Matt turned around to face him, and Scottie was taken aback by the look in his eyes, even more intense in person than in his reflection.
It was a look of pure lust.
Scottie had to take a few steps back, putting some distance between them. This wasn’t really what he intended. At least, he wasn’t sure if he really wanted this. Matt was his friend, after all. His best friend on the team. And despite there always being that hint of something more beneath the surface, Scottie enjoyed the chase way too much to give in now.
Scottie swallowed. “We should go, Keith is probably waiting for us.”
“Y-yeah… yeah. We should.”
They went in Scottie’s car, but he let Matthew drive. Scottie rolled down his window and let his arm drape over the side, the warm summer breeze hitting his face as they drove past the rows of restaurants and bars in Scottsdale. Scottie was giving him directions, and Matt nodded, but that was the extent of their communication.
Finally up ahead he saw it, the red fluorescent light sign marked Devils’, and told Matt where to pull over.
Scottie paid for their cover at the door, the bouncer smiling and nodding at him in recognition. He had become well known at this establishment over the past few weeks, going with Ed to the club multiple times. Matt didn’t seem to notice this exchange, or else he didn’t care. Keith and Ed were already waiting inside when they got there, several drinks in if the empty glasses placed on their table were any indication.
They exchanged words of greeting, and for the first time Scottie considered what an odd foursome they made. If they hadn’t all been teammates, the four of them probably would have never met in a million lifetimes, much less been sitting there together in this club of sin. It was fate, or something like it. If fate had a wild sense of humor and a tendency for danger.
Scottie could feel Ed’s eyes passing over him, before they shifted to look at Matt instead when he noticed. He was acting strangely, fidgeting around in his seat, not being his usual boisterous and outgoing Jovo self. Before long, Ed had thrown back enough drinks to knock out a camel, and he soon excused himself from the table. Scottie assumed he was going to the restroom to puke his guts out.
He stopped paying attention to what was going on with Ed when he felt Matthew’s leg pressing against his own under the table, his hand lying on the booth close enough to touch Scottie’s own. Scottie shifted, pulling his hand away and reaching for his drink despite not being thirsty. Ignoring Matthew, or at least trying to make it look as such, Scottie turned his attention to Keith watching the dancers nearby.
The girls were fit and devastatingly attractive, there was no other way to describe it. The way they moved was enchanting, swaying their hips and moving along in time to the beat. They were not naked, but the tiny outfits they wore made them as close to nude as possible. It was skin and glitter and everything sensual, it was Matt sitting right next to him, his look of lust from earlier still seared into Scottie’s brain. And it wasn’t long before Scottie felt the tell-tale tightening of his jeans, the beginning of an erection pressing that much more uncomfortably against his zipper.
He gave an audible groan, unable to hold it in. He didn’t think anyone would be able to hear him over the music, but somehow Matt still noticed, tilting his head towards Scottie and asking him what was wrong. Wanting to know if Scottie was in pain. He was, but not in the way that Matthew thought, and definitely not in a way that Scottie could explain. So he shook his head and remained silent.
Matt grabbed his hand then and squeezed, a gesture so unlike him that Scottie had a feeling of momentary panic. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” he said, perhaps too quick of a response. Matt would be able to see right through him; he always could. Easier to just admit to what was bothering him, at this point. “But I’m going to need to get a room here soon, or else I’ll probably end up being charged for public indecency.”
Matt still looked confused, so Scottie gestured down to his pants, where it was becoming more and more obvious what his little “problem” was.
“Oh,” Matt said, his cheeks coloring enough that Scottie noticed even in the dim lighting of Devils’.
“Yeah.” Scottie remembered Keith sitting on his other side then, completely engrossed in watching the dancers. He leaned over to whisper into Keith’s ear, telling of his plans to get a private room. Keith nodded but didn’t even look his way, clearly not paying any attention. Scottie shrugged, stood up and began to case the place out, looking for the one dancer that he would choose to keep him company for the rest of the evening.
He saw her, a gorgeous blonde covered in blue sequins and not much else. That was the one. Scottie was planning on going solo, he always did, but as he started to walk away he felt Matt’s presence following close behind. He turned on his heel so fast, Matt practically ran him over.
“What are you doing?” Scottie asked.
“I’m going with you, obviously.”
“Did you not hear anything I just said? I’m going to a private room. To… you know.”
“Yeah.” Matt said, shifting from one foot to the other. “I know that. I just thought… maybe you’d like me to go with you.”
Matt had never been this forward before, and it threw him off. They had a dynamic between them: teammates and friends, roommates on the road and linemates on the ice. They liked each other, they knew it, everyone knew it. And it was okay because he knew they would never act on any mutual feelings.
Until now.
“If you do this, there’s no going back. It will change you, you know. Things will never be the same, not for you and not between us.” Scottie felt like he was preaching, but they were words that needed to be said.
“I know, and I want it. Believe me, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.”
Scottie nodded. Honestly, this answer was good enough for him. He pointed out the girl he was interested in, and raised a questioning eyebrow at Matt as if to say, do you want to take the girl with us? He knew that Matt would be able to read his thoughts.
“Yes,” he said. “If that’s the girl you want.”
They approached the dancer, and when she stepped aside to take a break Scottie gently grabbed her arm to get her attention. She looked back and forth between Scottie and Matt, smiling like the Cheshire Cat the whole time.
“Hi boys, my name is Cinnamon,” she said by way of introduction. Scottie couldn’t hold back his smirk at the mention of her clearly made-up name. “I hope that you’re both looking for a good time?” It was the code they used inside Devils’, the words the regulars knew by heart and used whenever they were desiring a little privacy.
Scottie answered in the affirmative, and let Cinnamon lead the way to one of the rooms in the back. When they go to the door, she turned around to face him and began explaining the rules that Scottie could practically repeat along with her.
“I’m going to have you sign a few forms for our mutual agreement, on which you will list the acts you would like to perform that I then must agree to or decline. Absolutely no excessive physical violence will be allowed. Understood?”
They both answered yes, and Cinnamon was grinning again as she pulled out a key from her bra, the only place on her body where it would fit, and unlocked the door in front of them. Either she was really excited to have two attractive men at the same time, or she just really wanted the money. Scottie was willing to bet it was the latter, though he selfishly wished it could be the former.
Scottie was about to cross the threshold when he looked back at Matt, trying to gage his emotions through his expression. His face was decidedly blank, but Scottie noticed that Matt looked down to the ring finger on his own left hand, thumbing at the metal. There was a moment of hesitation, a pause at a crossroads. But a decision had to be made, and he had already made it.
Matthew followed him into the room.
+ - + - +
Shane was waiting for Ed when he got home. Just sitting out there on his front porch, legs spread and arms crossed. Glaring at Ed as he approached.
Ed stumbled forward, barely able to walk in a straight line or remain upright. He must have consumed even more alcohol than he initially thought. After opening his eyes and realizing he was going solo in a secluded section of the club, the events of the rest of the night were a bit hazy. Maybe this was more than simply being drunk. Had he taken some kind of drug? Ed racked his brain to try to remember, but his memories were a blank slate.
“What are you doing here? Does Kirstin know you’re stalking our home?”
“I didn’t wake her up to find out,” Shane said.
That’s right, it was the middle of the night. Well at least his kids would be tucked in bed, safe and warm and protected from big, powerful demigods with a penchant for vengeance.
“What do you want from me?”
“I want to know why Lombardi went with you to Devils’ tonight. I want to know exactly why you’re trying to corrupt an innocent man’s soul,” Shane said, standing up then so he was at his full height.
“It’s just part of the business, you know that,” Ed replied. He was proud of himself for even being able to form a coherent sentence, much less making it sound flippant while he did so. “You play your cards, I’ll play mine, and in the end we will see who comes out on top.”
“This is not supposed to be a competition, and you know it. Hockey; that’s a game. A sport. This is not hockey, Edward.”
Ed frowned. Shane had never, ever called him by his full name. Nobody did. It felt like he had lost a piece of his own soul to hear Shane speak his given name out loud.
Shane looked away, then looked back at Ed again, flipping a piece of his overgrown hair away from his face before he spoke again. “We’re talking about people’s lives here. They may be hockey players, but this isn’t a damn game. Whatever you do to them, it will be permanent. Do you really want those consequences to be on your conscious?”
“I don’t have a choice,” Ed said.
“We all have a choice!” Shane yelled in his face, his hands reaching out to grab Ed by the shirt and pull him in close. They were so close their noses were practically touching, and Ed could feel Shane’s breath on his skin with every exhale the man took. They had touched before, but not like this. Never like this. Perhaps one other time Shane had been this angry with him, but he never looked at Ed with half as much malice as he did now.
If looks could kill, Ed would have already dropped dead.
“I don’t think you quite understand what you’re doing,” Shane said, his voice softening just a little. “You are working for the devil, doing his dirty work. You think you can just get away from all of this harm free? Those sins will be on your soul forever.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Ed exclaimed as he forcefully pushed Shane away. “I’m fucking tired of all this shit. I want to be done with the devil. I’m nobody’s fucking puppet.”
“Then why won’t you just listen to me? I can help you.”
“That’s just it; I’m not your fucking toy, either. I’ll do whatever the hell I want, how I want, to save my own soul. And I’ll do it without your help or anyone else‘s.”
Shane shook his head, looking disappointed. A look that Ed had become far too familiar with.
“What about using Scottie to convert Lombo for you? Doesn’t seem to me like you’re doing this on your own. No, you need to drag everyone else down to Hell with you.”
“Fuck you,” Ed retorted. “You have no idea what I’m going through. Not all of us are sitting as comfortably in God’s favor as you are.”
“There is always redemption. You can repent.”
Ed sighed, defeated. “It’s too late for me. You of all people should know that.”
“Oh, stop playing the victim,” Shane said, and his tone was now exasperated. There was another pause before he continued, “You think that you’re this horrible person, but you’re not.” Shane lifted his palm to cup Ed’s face, his thumb stroking Ed’s cheekbone. “We all have demons to face.”
And then Shane was kissing him, and there was nothing nice or godly about it. Shane’s left hand reached up to grab the other side of Ed’s face, holding him in place against his own lips. At first Ed was too shocked to react, confused as hell, but his natural instincts began to take over and he couldn’t help kissing back. This was Shane, the object of all his desires and the catalyst to his downfall; resistance was futile.
But Ed was angry at him and, he was pretty sure, Shane was pissed at him as well. Why were they doing this? With incredible difficulty, Ed began to pull away. He was panting, needing to take a moment to stand there and catch his breath.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Shane laughed a haunting laugh, and all he said was, “Now you know how I feel,” before walking away. Shane went to his truck parked out front, got in and slammed the door before zooming off, as fast as his truck could take him.
Ed stood there for what must have been a full minute, bewildered, unable to move. His hand shook as he wiped the back of his hand across his lips, trying to physically rid himself of the taste. But it was too late; once he was reacquainted with the feeling of Shane’s lips on his own, Ed knew he would not be able to get it off of his mind.
Suddenly Ed remembered, he had a wife waiting in bed for him. A beautiful, respectful, doting wife. The mother of his children.
He loved Kirstin. He needed her. But he didn’t want her. He wanted Shane Doan.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Part II