I miss...
my grandmother. I realized she's why I cry sometimes. I had a dream that she'd died (all over again) and I remember I was bawling so hard in my dream, that I woke myself up crying. I miss her so much.
I had thought I was missing David, and I still do. But it hasn't made me cry for a while. It's weird, even though she's been gone two and a half years, I still cry over her like it was yesterday. Even now Im tearing up. I just want my grandma back, I want someone who loves me to just STAY for once. It's never ever good enough, though. You're never good enough to make someone stay. I still feel like I didnt try hard enough, I wasnt good enough to her to make her want to stay. This is all a silly idea, I know, but it still hurts. And I still miss her. I can sit here, and I cry and cry and cry about it, but nothing changes. It's just not enough.
I think what hurts the most is that she chose to die. She chose to leave us. She wanted this. That's a hard thing to accept. Suicide is a horribe thing, its pretty much telling everyone who ever loved you, that they werent good enough. This is proably all completely selfish, but I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE to stay. How 'woe is me' is that? I feel terrible for thinking about this, and guilty and pathetic for it too. It just stops making it worth it. They're just going to leave you anyways.
Im just so sad sometimes, and I wish I could figure out why.
I had thought I was missing David, and I still do. But it hasn't made me cry for a while. It's weird, even though she's been gone two and a half years, I still cry over her like it was yesterday. Even now Im tearing up. I just want my grandma back, I want someone who loves me to just STAY for once. It's never ever good enough, though. You're never good enough to make someone stay. I still feel like I didnt try hard enough, I wasnt good enough to her to make her want to stay. This is all a silly idea, I know, but it still hurts. And I still miss her. I can sit here, and I cry and cry and cry about it, but nothing changes. It's just not enough.
I think what hurts the most is that she chose to die. She chose to leave us. She wanted this. That's a hard thing to accept. Suicide is a horribe thing, its pretty much telling everyone who ever loved you, that they werent good enough. This is proably all completely selfish, but I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE to stay. How 'woe is me' is that? I feel terrible for thinking about this, and guilty and pathetic for it too. It just stops making it worth it. They're just going to leave you anyways.
Im just so sad sometimes, and I wish I could figure out why.