should i let myself depend on this....but you hold me paramount

[defectivexhart]

i hate myself so much right now, I'm so sick of my bullshit and how much I fuck stuff up. I cant stand the way I can't do anything right, and that no matter how hard I try I still fuck things up. I wish I could be someone else, I'd do anything to change my character and my personality. I look in the mirror and I feel sick. I know I seem all fine and happy, but inside I'm more fucked up than anyone can imagine. It's like someone somewhere I cant remember cut me open from forehead to my belly button, pulled everything out. stuck it in a blender, switched it onto max, then poured everything back in. Then they took out my soul and did the same with every single feeling and emotion I could ever have, but when the put it back they decided not to bother putting the happiness back, instead they bottled it up and chucked it in the sea. I guess the only way I can bear to wake up is to hope that my happiness washed up on a beach somewhere and someone found it, and that all I need to do to be happy again is to find that person and they'll pour it back down my throat, disguising each drop as a loving word or a tender kiss, until im finally happy again. Or maybe I've already found the person who had the bottle, but I'm such a bitch that when they poured it into a glass and held it out to me I smashed it out of their hand and let it trickle down the drain, to mix with the rain that seems to constantly pour down on me, and now I'll never find my happiness again. But if I can't hope to find that person then I'm as good as dead. But luckily the person who cut me open put the hope back. They may have only put one tiny drip back inside of me, but I'll keep hold of that one little drop. You never know, maybe the rest of my hope is in the bottle with my happiness. I still have that one drop, so I guess I'll just keep searching for the person who has that bottle. But there's an awful lot of beaches, and an awful lot of people who could have found the bottle and have my happiness with them right now. But I have to keep looking, because the moment I stop is the moment I pull the trigger and end all this.

yeah so i wrote that a while ago. and i have been wanting to post it, but i don't want anyone worried about me. i just needed to blow off steam. i fucking hate life right now. i hope anthony is that fucking person cause i need him now.

<\3 - alice