The People of Forever (2/2) [for littlemelonblue]
one | part two
▼
if youngjae wasn’t scared of him before his stupid temper got the best of him, he is now as he stirs the froot loops he wanted until they’re soggy and bloated.
“i’m your dad, right? can i tell you not to play with your food?” jaebum mumbles, not feeling sarcastic at all, from across the table with a bowl of his own. his bandaged left hand stings. youngjae doesn’t look up. jaebum sighs.
“i’m sorry.”
upon hearing the apology in english, youngjae juts his bottom lip. fuck. is he going to cry? he looks like he’s going to cry any second now.
“please don’t cry.” jaebum reaches out to... what, maybe patting youngjae’s head or squeezing his hunched shoulders, but youngjae huffs and glares at his arm, turning around so his back is to jaebum.
“god.” jaebum sighs again, rubbing his temple. defeated. probably saddened. because. because, you know, if it’s like this, will he be a good dad later on? his experience with kids is so fucking limited, for he’s an only child in his family. none of his friends have kids yet. wait. what’s his opinion of kids in general? they’re cute, that’s for sure, they’re loud, they still smell like baby powder. those kids on variety shows seem smart and fun to be around. youngjae seems smart, but is he fun?
“jaebum-hyung? it’s me.” jaebum snaps out of his daymare. jinyoung is here. “open the door...?” he damn nearly breaks his neck as he runs to open the door, revealing jinyoung covered from head to toe due to his idol status.
it’s been awhile. jaebum is struggling to keep his expression on check. jinyoung looks gorgeous in that grey beanie and red, thin scarf. his full lips and cheeks are pink from the weather, and forever being a considerate human being, he brings a plastic bag full of beer and snacks.
“hi.” jinyoung’s smile is shy.
“hey.” jaebum wants to kiss him.
“um, it’s cold?” jinyoung scrunches his nose, and yeah. yeah, jaebum thinks, relieved (?) yet somehow still horrified, definitely the mother of my son.
“sorry, come on in.” he takes the plastic bag from jinyoung’s hand, making sure the sleeve of his sweatshirt is hiding his injury. “there’s someone who wants to meet you.”
“oh?” jinyoung is toeing off his converse. he hasn’t seen youngjae sitting on his knees, craning his neck to their direction with the same nostalgic, longing smile that was once intended for jaebum. now the smile is solely for jinyoung, jaebum knows.
“oh!” jinyoung blinks when he finally sees youngjae standing up noisily. “annyeong~ who are you?” jinyoung smiles and glances at jaebum who nods at him to go on. “i’m jinyoung. you can call me hyung.”
jaebum snorts. “he doesn’t speak korean,” he says, “talk to him in english.”
“omo.” jinyoung giggles. he sits in front of youngjae and he takes youngjae’s hand for a cute handshake. “hi! my name is jinyoung. who are you?” jinyoung loves to sharpen up his english conversation skill with jackson and mark because he told jaebum that he wants to be able to communicate with GOT5’s overseas fans. jinyoung is also good with kids, jaebum has seen him interacting with lots of kids from fancams and fantaken photos on the internet. he’ll handle youngjae just fine.
“it’s me, mom, youngjae.”
there you go.
gasping, jinyoung hits his right knee on the underside of the dining table. he turns to jaebum for explanation, his eyes are wide.
jaebum puts the plastic bag on the floor and nods to the photograph placed in the middle of the table. he leans back to the wall as he watches jinyoung frown and plead at him to explain.
“look at the date,” jaebum says, “bottom right corner.”
“may first?” jinyoung reads it, then, “2015? but it’s april fourth today!”
“exactly.” jaebum doesn’t know why he’s whispering, but he does, and jinyoung pales when he really looks at youngjae, their son.
maybe it’s the unexpected disbelief blatantly painted on jinyoung’s face, maybe it’s jaebum’s stupid temper from before-because not a second later youngjae is bawling his heart out, sobbing pitifully with big, fat tears rolling down his squishy cheeks, clearly upset that his last hope of parental warmth is doubting him. jaebum doesn’t know what to do. he’s not ready to get rejected again. but it hurts knowing that he’s afraid of his son’s rejection because of what he did.
“i’m sorry! i’m sooooo so so sorry. come here, youngjae-yah.” jinyoung hushes youngjae with an encouraging smile. he gestures for the little boy to jump to his arms. youngjae does, hugging jinyoung’s neck so tight until jinyoung falls to lie on his back. jinyoung laughs, patting youngjae’s butt and stroking youngjae’s back, hugging him just as tightly.
“omo you’re too cold! jaebum-hyung, give us a blanket, quick!”
jaebum nearly breaks his neck again as he stumbles over the plastic bag, running to his room to get a blanket. he picks the thickest one, and jinyoung tugs him down after he’s done cocooning youngjae with it.
what? he mouths at jinyoung, whose glare is a carbon copy of youngjae’s. or is it the other way around?
what?? jaebum tries again, and jinyoung grabs his hand, placing it on top of his on youngjae’s blanketed back. oh, jaebum swallows down bitter saliva as he stiffly mimics jinyoung’s gentle stroking, okay, i can do that.
“good,” jinyoung whispers, “now lie down, hyung. sing to him.”
“what? why?” jaebum pulls his hand away from youngjae’s back and panics when youngjae whines.
“see?” jinyoung’s glare is fiercer and jaebum grimaces. “he needs you. come on!”
jaebum is going crazy. it’s not the right time to feel flattered by such unbeknownst fact.
“what should i sing to him?” he asks jinyoung as he lies down on his side, one hand propping up his head while the other is massaging youngjae’s nape. he feels a new urgency to make shit right as he waits for jinyoung to pick a song to sing. youngjae needs him. that’s. that’s just super mind-blowing, okay!
“ah,” jinyoung snaps his fingers, “the song from your last mixtape, hyung.” he continues with a pleasant hum. “the title... what is it?”
jaebum replays jinyoung’s brief humming in his head. “‘no one like you’?”
jinyoung nods frantically, and it’s jaebum’s cue to clear his throat.
“i like your eyes
i like your nose
i like your mouth, your ears, your toes
i like your face
it’s really you
i like the things you say and do...”
youngjae sniffs. he turns his head to face jaebum with a pouty smile and mucus smeared all over his nose and mouth. jaebum laughs, gently wiping off the mucus with his bare hand and then wiping his hand clean on his t-shirt. jinyoung is biting his bottom lip, probably trying not to cry himself, knowing his melancholic tendency.
“there’s not a single soul
who sees the skies
the way you see them through your eyes
and aren’t you glad
you should be glad
there’s no one, no one
exactly like you...”
youngjae reaches out his tiny palm to touch jaebum’s face, tenderly, like he’s trying to remember.
“i’m sorry, dad.” youngjae sighs, and he sounds just like jaebum when he does so.
“it’s okay.” jaebum kisses youngjae’s cold knuckles and holds them in his much bigger hand to warm him up.
“i love you.” youngjae declares, closing his eyes, looking contented lying down in jinyoung’s arms, who is of course crying quietly.
jaebum is going crazy because he’s whispering i love you back to his future son while biting his tongue so he won’t say the same thing to jinyoung, his another people of forever.
▼
im youngjae is five years old, born in seoul on september 17th, 2018. his current address is 333 fernleigh street, auckland. his dad is im jaebum who makes film, not movie, and his mom is park jinyoung who writes besseller books. they live in a big, two story house with a shiba dog named tata and a russian blue cat named nini. he’s supposed to have his piano lesson with miss gallagher every saturday, but here he is.
sleeping in jaebum’s lumpy bed, dressed in brand new panda printed pajama that the three of them had gone to buy at the nearest department store along with other stuffs.
they had spaghetti meatball for dinner, and both jaebum and jinyoung are full from it. they’re sitting outside on the wooden bench, jaebum remembering that he hasn’t had his first cigarette for the day but decides not to. if their calculation is right, he’s going to have to take care of youngjae until the first of may, next month, which means that he has to try to cease his smoking for the time being.
jaebum sighs.
“you’ve been doing that a lot, jaebum-hyung.” jinyoung’s words are tentative, like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to have a decent conversation with jaebum now that they don’t have their son between them as a peace mascot. at least his trademarked crow feet smile reaches his eyes, jaebum thinks, because why wouldn’t it be? youngjae is polite, he’s not that loud and his crisp laugh is contagious. he’s the best kid any parents could’ve asked for, including them, despite the shock that still haunts them like a shadow.
jaebum smiles. “what? sighing?”
“uh-huh. tired?”
“nah,” jaebum shakes his head. “overwhelmed, i guess. how about you? are you alright?”
“i’m fine,” jinyoung nods. “i’m just trying not to get ahead of myself.”
“why’s that?” jaebum takes a sip of his hite from the can. his second. he didn’t know he needed them.
jinyoung crosses his arms, acting defensive, probably because of what he’s going to say. jaebum swears he’s not going to lose his temper-
“you broke my heart, remember? but apparently we’re going to have youngjae together.”
-yeah, okay, maybe he’s losing his dignity a little.
they both pause for a heart beat.
“jinyoung-ah-”
“i just-”
jaebum grins and jinyoung covers his face with both hands. his shoulders are shaking. he speaks first, his voice is lighter and his face is beautiful underneath the moonlight.
“you’re aware that i’m in love with you, right?” it’s not a question, though. it’s a statement that jaebum can’t deny.
“yeah.” so jaebum doesn’t deny that he’s aware of how jinyoung orbits towards him on dance practices; how the constant notification on his line app is from jinyoung and how he’s actually, perfectly fine with everything; with how he pays for their meals and movie tickets and that one loony time buying a bouquet of fresh flowers for jinyoung-without being affected by the lack of soft angles and pussy from jinyoung’s part.
“i just don’t want to get ahead of myself. three years are a long time, hyung, lots of things can happen. i’m just taking care of my heart, you know? i mean, if you’re still mad at me for falling in love with you now, i understand.” jinyoung blushes. “youngjae is a guarantee that i’ll be yours, so i’m just saying that as for now i’m not going to do anything that you don’t want me to do, jaebum-hyung.”
“who said i’m mad?”
“y-you seemed mad at the last party, so i thought-”
“no, jinyoung-ah, listen,” jaebum takes jinyoung’s cold hands in his, rubbing his thumbs to jinyoung’s inner wrists. they really need to have this talk, huh? misunderstanding is tiring, jaebum’s been there and done that.
“i’m not mad. you didn’t do anything wrong. i don’t see you as another friend, either. in fact, i’ve never wanted to kiss a boy so much before you. i was just-” jaebum’s chuckle is bitter. “i’m a fucking coward, okay? you’re an idol, for fuck’s sake. i can’t risk your career for my own selfish needs.”
“what if i’m just as selfish as you? i want all of you, jaebum-hyung.” jinyoung sniffs, tugging his hands free to cross his arms again, being defensive again. “you should know that everything, from my lips to my heart, is already yours. so i want your cock in my mouth and i want you to fuck me until i forget my name. i want you to only look at me.”
jesus fucking christ.
misunderstanding is tiring, but nobody said to jaebum that honesty can be this cruel. jinyoung is beautiful inside and out, his aesthetic is incomparable and jaebum adores other valuable aspects that create park ‘jr.’ jinyoung whole.
but jaebum is only human.
his eyes dart down to jinyoung’s pink, chapped lips as he confesses, “i do, i only look at you.” and jinyoung laughs, proud like he’s winning some big prize, and then he’s planting an open-mouthed kiss to jaebum’s mouth.
there are sparks, jaebum has to admit. it ignites his senses, pushing him to kiss back with reckless abandon, caging jinyoung’s beautiful face in his hands as he deepens the kiss. jinyoung is letting him invade his space; he goes pliant and follows jaebum’s lead, moaning and clawing at jaebum’s shoulders.
the kiss feels right. jinyoung tastes like tomato sauce and mint chocolate chip ice cream youngjae only shared with him because it’s obvious that youngjae favors his mom better than his awkward dad. jaebum smiles to the kiss, remembering how sulky he was when youngjae yelled mom don’t share our ice cream with dad! he bites jinyoung’s bottom lip and slips a hand into jinyoung’s fancy sweater, palming his hips and stomach.
jinyoung’s breath stutters cutely when jaebum’s thumb grazes his left nipple.
“no?” jaebum grins, mischievous.
“no.” jinyoung confirms, breathless. he slaps jaebum’s hand away from his body. “it’s only 2015.”
“are you saying we have to wait three years?” jaebum shifts closer to haul jinyoung to straddle his lap. jinyoung raises his eyebrows at the sudden intimacy, but he wraps his arms around jaebum’s shoulders anyway. “i thought you said you want me to fuck you until you forget your name.”
jinyoung rolls his eyes, impatient but sexy, and he tells jaebum to be creative in such a challenging, taunting tone jaebum can’t help but to play dirty by sucking a hickey high above the collar of jinyoung’s fancy sweater.
3
youngjae wakes up alone.
mom’s side of the bed is still warm. maybe youngjae can catch him before he goes off to work to kiss him goodbye. or maybe mom is in the bathroom. either way, youngjae is hungry, so he jumps off young dad’s uncomfortable bed (but don’t tell young dad that, okay, hush hush) and opens the bedroom door. the dining/living room is empty except for young dad sprawled like a starfish and snoring like a troll on the rattan mat. ugh, youngjae’s missed mom again!
sometimes mom isn’t home for a looooooong time (that’s when youngjae watches mom on TV, looking sooooo pretty as always)-but mom will video call youngjae and youngjae who’s forgotten that mom isn’t around will be reminded that mom is not here with him and he will puff out his chest to answer mom with a big boy smile. mom said, back home in auckland, if youngjae wanted to have a baby sister he had to learn to be a big brother, one step at a time.
(that means youngjae can’t whine when mom isn’t around. young dad is not that bad to spend time with, even though young dad needs to be reminded again and again that youngjae doesn’t want cucumber in his keem~bap. youngjae has to be patient because a big brother is supposed to be patient!).
youngjae goes to the bathroom to pee. he washes his hands and face. it’s nine o’clock in the morning, no wonder he’s hungry.
shuffling to sit closer to young dad’s head, youngjae pinches young dad’s nose to block the flow of oxygen. mom said it’s the only effective way to wake up young dad. youngjae thinks it’s not the right thing to pinch young dad’s nose, but young dad is a really heavy sleeper! youngjae tried to jump on him and he didn’t even wake up! once, mom helped young dad to sit up and shook him violently but still he didn’t wake up!
“grooohmph!” young dad splutters after a few second.
“i’m sorry i’m sorry!” youngjae apologizes with simple korean words he learns from mom. he jumps on top of young dad’s chest and peppering kisses all over young dad’s handsome face. “wake up, appa, wake up~” mom said to do aegyo as soon as young dad is blinking himself awake, because then young dad would forget his anger and he would do whatever youngjae want.
young dad, who was frowning and grumbling, goes soft like marshmallow as soon as he sees youngjae’s new version of mehrong and he ruffles youngjae’s hair as he sits up.
“good morning, youngjae-yah.” he squishes youngjae’s cheeks gently.
“good morning, appa.” youngjae bows his head. “what’s for breakfast?”
“breakfast? what time is it.” young dad squints to his phone and rubs his face roughly, sighing. everything young dad does is rough, youngjae thinks, from his cursing habit to his sudden, exploding temper thanks to a football match on TV. even the way he eats and sleeps are rough. but young dad protects mom who’s busy holding youngjae as they ride the crowded subway and he’s quick to apologize when he and mom have an argument. in conclusion, young dad is very different from mom because mom’s hands are soft and they smell like the bakery. mom also helps youngjae picking out his clothes for the day and he brushes youngjae’s hair. mom loves to take youngjae’s photos with his phone, using a particularly weird one of youngjae drawing a house as a wallpaper.
“breakfast, huh.” young dad moves to stand up and he brings youngjae with him. “super k?”
“okay.” youngjae clings to young dad’s wiiide shoulders and decides that he wants a piggyback. “piggyback, daddy, please.”
“what?” young dad asks as he takes out a bowl from the cabinet.
“nothing.” youngjae changes his mind, scrunching his nose because he shouldn’t have wanted a piggyback in the first place. young dad must be having a hard time preparing youngjae’s breakfast while holding youngjae in his arms.
“no, please, what did you want just now, youngjae-yah?” young dad swings youngjae’s tiny body so youngjae is sitting on top of the kitchen counter. “please tell me, it’s okay.” see, not only that young dad is awkward but he’s also so weird. more often than not, he acts as if he’s afraid of youngjae. why, youngjae has no idea. but youngjae is sure he’s not scary... youngjae is kyeopta!
youngjae grins. he throws his arms and kicks his little feet and shouts cutely, “orange juice, juseyo~~~”
young dad, thankfully, laughs. “you weren’t asking for orange juice, were you? you brat.” he’s back to complicated korean before he pinches youngjae’s chin. “orange juice it is. you can have oreo after breakfast. dad won’t tell mom.”
“really?!” youngjae squeals in delight. he loves oreo! but mom is usually so meany about youngjae eating too much sugar after breakfast!
“only if you share.”
“of course, daddy!”
▼
in auckland, dad drives a big, black car everywhere. in seoul, they take the subway or the bus.
youngjae gets tired easily because he’s not used to walk the long distance from one place to another, and it’s mom who will take him to his arms while young dad brings their stuffs. but youngjae makes sure to tell mom and young dad that he likes seoul. the colors are more vivid here.
mom is a singer in seoul. he’s famous among girls. they want to shake his bakery scented hands and pose together for a photo. some of them recognize young dad, too, and they also want to take photos with young dad. they give youngjae lots of candies and chocolates when young dad lies to them that youngjae is his nephew. young dad tells them not to take youngjae’s photos because he says youngjae’s parents don’t want any exposure and they all comply with their serious but pretty faces (mom’s still the prettiest) and then one of them asks a question and young dad answers awkwardly no, i’m not on a date with jr., ha ha ha!
“are you okay?” young dad whispers once the hoard of girls 3.0 of the day is gone. “did they hurt you?”
youngjae knows this routine; mom or young dad will ask whether he’s okay or not after people touching him. youngjae doesn’t think that’s very nice of mom and young dad, because everyone is so kind to youngjae!
“no, appa.” youngjae answers in korean, watching mom sending off his fans with a wave.
“good. now which ride do you want to try?”
youngjae blows out his cheeks to think. lotte indoor amusement park is huuu~ge, but it’s weird because the rides are inside a huge room. youngjae likes outdoor amusement park more. he wants to see the blue sky.
“viking.”
“viking? are you sure?”
“we rode it in auckland before, dad.”
there’s a slight crestfallen look on young dad’s expression after he heard what youngjae just said. oh, no! what did youngjae do?
“appa?” youngjae juts out his bottom lip, clinging to young dad’s chest. “are you okay?”
usually, when young dad smiles, his eyes disappear into thin slits. but not this time, even though he’s smiling. oh, no! nooooooo what did youngjae do? nooooo young dad can’t look sad no no no!
“do you want mom, dad?” youngjae tip toes to touch young dad’s sharp-boned cheeks. young dad laughs at that and leans down to hug him instead, humming, stroking youngjae’s back, inhaling youngjae’s baby powder scent.
“you’re really mine, right?” young dad whispers to nothing in particular. he’s using his complicated korean. “you’ll be there, right? tell me all of this is not a fucking sick joke because i don’t want you to go, youngjae-yah.”
oh, young dad is saying his name? but youngjae doesn’t understand the rest...
“hi baby, what’s going on here?” mom comes back with a smile that’s soon falling when he notices young dad’s unusual display of public affection. young dad holds youngjae in public, yes that’s true, but never this desperate, youngjae thinks as he wraps his tiny arms around young dad’s neck.
“jaebum-hyung?”
“i’m okay, i’m okay.”
“no you’re not.”
mom sits next to young dad on the red bench and young dad hides his face on the crook of mom’s neck, away from youngjae’s confused eyes. mom is shushing young dad, his bakery scented hands are gentle on young dad’s head. youngjae frowns when he feels wetness seeping through his pororo sweatshirt, and he gasps when he understands what’s happening.
“appa?” he whimpers, tugging at young dad’s jeans. “appa?”
mom reaches out to rub youngjae’s left ear, gesturing at him to wait with a pretty smile. youngjae pouts but he nods and moves to cling to mom’s waist, closing his eyes, blocking the world.
young dad recovers much, much later with a sigh. and a wet sniff. he uses the bumps of his palms to roughly rub his eyes. they’re red when young dad glances at him, but his smile is making his reddened eyes disappear into thin slits so youngjae smiles back and climbs to his lap.
young dad presses a long kiss to the top of youngjae’s head and asks, “still want to ride viking?”
“yes!” youngjae shouts, adding extra aegyo to his korean answer.
“that’s my son.” young dad grins and carries him like a sack of rice on his left shoulder, mom following behind them with their stuffs, smiling prettily like always.
▼
“miss you, i really miss you
geuraedo simsimhaji anke nae norael bulleojulge
turn the radio o-o-on
turn the radio o-o-on
miss you, i really miss you
nega nal saenggakhal su itge nae norael bulleojulge
turn the radio o-o-on
turn the radio o-o-on
cuz i wanna be...”
“what a beautiful voice you have, kid.”
youngjae blinks. he stops singing the song he loves the most from mom’s CDs and turns to the baritone voice greeting him from the front door. a handsome adult wearing black from head to toe is grinning at him as he takes off his black shoes.
“who are you tho? this is jb-hyung’s apartment, right?” youngjae thinks this adult is speaking way too fast. his korean sounds weird, like, youngjae-weird. not fluent. “oh that’s the one i’m looking for. so he’s been hiding from us here. is he sleeping?”
youngjae follows the adult’s finger pointing at mom, and he shrugs because he doesn’t understand the question.
the adult frowns.
“where’s jb-hyung?” he tiptoes to get inside, and sits down in front of youngjae. he’s really handsome. his eyes are big and he smells like the ocean.
youngjae understands that question. his answer is in english, “out. dancing with his crew.” and the adult makes a comical face.
“you speak english?” he switches to english easily and youngjae smiles. “cool! i’m jackson, jb-hyung and jinyoung’s friends. who are you, sweet cheeks?”
“im youngjae.” youngjae is suddenly feeling shy. sweet cheeks? that’s new. “can i call you jackson?”
“of course, baby pea.” jackson bops the tip of youngjae’s nose and youngjae giggles. baby pea? no one has ever called youngjae baby pea before!
jackson grins. “are you lost or something? why are you here?”
youngjae shakes his head, putting his tiny hands to his warm cheeks. “i’m not lost.”
“no? okay. where you from? the states?”
“no. auckland.”
“new zealand? awesome!” jackson then looks at youngjae funnily. youngjae pouts. he hasn’t showered and he had cereal for breakfast. does he have eye-booger or milk-mustache? why is jackson looking at him funnily?
jackson claps his hands and mom, who was home so late last night he fell asleep on the living room fully dressed, groans in his sleep (thankfully he’s not awake). jackson grimaces handsomely, and whispers, “you know what? now that i take a good look at you, you kinda look like jb-hyung. it’s the eye-centered mole. are you his nephew?”
youngjae’s heard young dad and mom lie about who he is to strangers. but jackson is not a stranger, is he? he said he’s young dad and mom’s friend. he could enter young dad’s password protected house! should youngjae tell jackson the truth? should he lie to jackson? but youngjae doesn’t want to lie to jackson because jackson calls youngjae sweet cheeks and baby pea!
“im youngjae,” youngjae answers, pointing at himself. “im youngjae.”
“im youngjae? jb-hyung’s nephew, then. make sense.” jackson grins. “what were you doing? have you eaten?”
youngjae shakes his head. he was waiting for mom to wake up to cook him something for lunch. mom’s fried rice is the best.
“tsk, tsk. jb-hyung is so irresponsible.” jackson scoffs in korean. “i happen to be hungry as well. just landed from hong kong, my hometown. do you want burger king? i’ll let you have ice cream after, how about that?”
youngjae perks up at the mention of burger king and ice cream. and he wants to talk to jackson more.
“let’s go!” youngjae gets to his feet and drapes himself over jackson’s back. “piggyback me, jackson!”
“okay okay!” jackson lifts him up and asks where his jacket is. they go to young dad’s bedroom and jackson helps youngjae wearing his miniature bomber jacket and ducky socks. he piggybacks youngjae all the way to burger king two blocks from young dad’s house, and he fulfills his promise as he lets youngjae picks the ice cream he likes at 7-11. jackson takes him to a park to enjoy their ice creams where there are lots of kids around youngjae’s age playing on the playground. it’s sunday. the weather is warm and nice.
“is this a date?” youngjae blurts out.
“what?” jackson laughs/chokes. he needs a minute to answer, “do you want it to be? because yea, sure, youngjae-yah, it’s a date.” and he sounds so genuine he’s making youngjae blush.
“awww, look who’s having a crush on me!” jackson coos at him, pinching his nose. “i’m so flattered! what do you want to do next, youngjae-yah?”
youngjae wants to run and hide. he thought he wanted to marry miss gallagher but jackson is too awesome! i’m sorry miss gallagher!
“i dunno...” youngjae whines.
“if we’re talking about a date, we should go to the arcade. i will win you a plushie. wait wait, we should take sticker photos, i saw a box near here!”
“sticker photos?”
“you’ll like it. it’s so cute.” jackson nudges youngjae’s shoulders until youngjae falls to his side. instead of helping him to get up, jackson just laughs at him. “come on!”
time flies when youngjae is on a date (gosh!) with jackson, because it’s already dark by the time they get out of the arcade, youngjae hugging a cat and a bunny plushie while burying his face in blue colored cotton candy. it’s past dinner time, but jackson said they should go home first because his phone’s battery is dead and he couldn’t call both young dad or mom. he said he’s got a hunch that he will get yelled at for taking youngjae out on a date without telling any of them.
true to his words enough, jackson gets a yelling and a hard slap to his handsome face from mom when they’re home. youngjae is about to protest because jackson has done nothing wrong, but then he sees mom is crying and youngjae doesn’t know why but he’s crying too.
“mom? mom please don’t cry,” youngjae whispers, kneeling down to get closer to mom’s pitiful looking bundle on the floor. youngjae is so sad that he made mom worried about him.
“did you just call him ‘mom’?” jackson repeats, his voice is losing the playful tone youngjae has always heard throughout their date. he’s still standing by the opened front door, a visible handprint on his left cheek. “what the fuck?”
it’s as if mom is triggered by jackson’s bad f word because he pulls youngjae to his arms, stands up, and he sounds so unkind when he hisses,
“go away, jackson-ah.” and then he stomps off to young dad’s bedroom, locking it, slumping against the bed with youngjae situated on his lap.
“m-mom? that’s jackson. youngjae was just playing with him, it’s okay.” youngjae sobs, because he’s also sad that mom slapped jackson.
“it’s not okay!” mom snaps weakly, and youngjae understands that he deserves it so he just cries quietly to mom’s chest.
outside, jackson is rattling the door handle. he bangs the door when he can’t open it. “hey! hey, that’s not fair! jinyoung-ah, talk to me!” he calls out in korean. “what is happening, jinyoung-ah? isn’t youngjae jb-hyung’s nephew? why did he call you mom?”
mom keeps his mouth shut.
“jinyoung-ah!”
“yah, i’m not mad or whatever, okay? just talk to me.”
“is youngjae really your son? he’s so big, he’s like five. you’re like, you’re nineteen, right? no way you had him when you were fourteen, goddammit, talk to me!”
“jinyoung-ah!”
“jackson-ah?” youngjae and mom gasp simultaneously at the sound of young dad’s terse voice. “what are you doing here?” there’s another rattling on the door handle. “jinyoung-ah? are you in there? is youngjae with you?”
“appa!” youngjae jumps off mom’s lap and unlocks the door. he meets young dad’s already opened arms and the tears are coming again as young dad holds him tight. jackson is just standing there rooted to the spot, looking back and forth to young appa and mom like they’re aliens from outer space.
▼
they talk it over dinner, which is a big serving of pizza and fried chicken and cola. mom’s eyes are swollen and he looks pale and he’s still not talking to jackson; he clings to young dad while making sure youngjae eats properly.
young dad looks more tired than usual. jackson is just making dumb faces during young dad’s explanation.
“jesus, that’s a lot to take in,” jackson phews, taking off his black snapback and wiping his sweaty temple. “not jinyoungie falling for you, jb-hyung, that one is too obvious, but youngjae coming from the future! whoa! what the hell. lemme see the photo you’re talking about. i’m still hoping this is just a dream, y’know?”
“what was that?” youngjae pouts when he hears mom snap again, in korean this time. they’ve been having the talk in korean, and youngjae who doesn’t understand a thing is getting sleepy after such hearty dinner.
“what?” jackson drinks his cola noisily.
“who else knows about my feeling for jaebum-hyung?” mom sits up straighter, but youngjae sees how tight his clutch is on young dad’s forearm.
“i recall exchanging knowing look with mark a couple of times,” jackson says, his baritone voice is like a lullaby to youngjae. “but we never talked about it. i mean, it’s yours, jinyoungie, what can we do about your feeling?” he pauses. “bambam and yugyeom... nope. i don’t think they know. too busy flirting with girl groups, i bet.”
mom nods, putting his head back to young dad’s right shoulder.
“i won’t tell a soul.”
“i know you won’t, jackson-ah. thank you.”
“anything for you, bro. jb-hyung? you got anything to say?”
“like what?”
“you tell me.”
“i haven’t fucked jinyoung yet.”
“gross! there’s a child on your lap! my god, you’re going to make jinyoung cry again.”
“then stop with your nonsense.”
jackson huffs, but he moves his focus to youngjae, who’s nodding off, head lolled up and down uncontrollably. youngjae is fast asleep by now.
“and how will youngjae go back to the future? did he come in a time machine, jb-hyung?”
“jinyoung thought we should reenact the photo on the designed date, and wait for what’s going to happen on that day.”
“where’s the photo? i asked to see it, ugh.”
“here, don’t sulk. you’re not cute.”
“whatever. oh, wow. whoa. it really is-was?-will be taken on may first. when’s may first anyway? shit, next friday? can i come over to say goodbye to youngjae? i think i might be his first love, after all.”
“what the hell? i’m not going to allow that.”
“yah, jb-hyung, i’m so insulted right now. he asked if we were on a date this afternoon, i swear! yah. yah, don’t glare at me, park jinyoung!”
“stop screaming, my son is sleeping.”
4
jackson is only twenty. sure he sings about love and whatnots, but he himself hasn’t been in love with anyone. there’s a dating ban from JYP entertainment artist contract, and to be honest jackson thinks he doesn’t need to be in a relationship to fall in love with someone. look at jinyoung. he’s in love with jb-hyung but they don’t put a label on what they have now and they’re happy.
“ready, guys?” he holds out the photo on an arm length. “youngjae-yah, don’t forget to scrunch your nose, okay? jb-hyung, get closer to jinyoung.”
“here?”
“yea. now put your arm around jinyoung’s waist,” jackson feels like teasing his friends so he adds, “don’t be shy.”
“shut the fu-”
jinyoung interrupts jb-hyung’s curse with a cheerful, “hyung, language.” and jb-hyung hilariously obeys like a very obedient husband he secretly is.
“dad, smile!” youngjae says, and jackson presses the shutter button.
bonus: christmas eve 2017
jaebum is close, jinyoung has been on the receiving end way too many times he’s restoring the stutter of jaebum’s hips and jaebum’s louder growls on the back of his mind so he can move automatically in sync with jaebum.
jinyoung always feels like he’s on top of the world when jaebum comes, knowing that he’s the one providing for jaebum’s carnal needs.
when jaebum is pulling out of him, slowly, taking his time, jinyoung twists the bed sheet tighter, biting his bottom lip, savoring the last inch of jaebum’s cock in him.
he doesn’t expect jaebum’s panicked, “oh fuck. shit. fuck. fuck.” though.
jinyoung uses his elbows to hold his weight, peering at the older man through the darkness. “w-what’s wrong, hyung?”
jaebum grits his teeth. “the condom broke,” he says, and jinyoung can hear the blood rushing in his ears. “fuck. did you-did you take your pills this month?”
“yes,” jinyoung puts a hand to his left chest, feeling his loud and frantic heart beats. he closes his eyes. “oh my god, jaebum-hyung, you scared me.”
“sorry.” jaebum chuckles from somewhere above him, and then they’re kissing rather obscenely like they didn’t just have two rounds of weekend sex. jaebum bites jinyoung’s chin before he jumps off of the bed. “shower?”
“later.” jinyoung opens his eyes to jaebum’s naked back, smiling at the angry, red lines adorning jaebum’s skin. “you go first.”
one | part two
▼
if youngjae wasn’t scared of him before his stupid temper got the best of him, he is now as he stirs the froot loops he wanted until they’re soggy and bloated.
“i’m your dad, right? can i tell you not to play with your food?” jaebum mumbles, not feeling sarcastic at all, from across the table with a bowl of his own. his bandaged left hand stings. youngjae doesn’t look up. jaebum sighs.
“i’m sorry.”
upon hearing the apology in english, youngjae juts his bottom lip. fuck. is he going to cry? he looks like he’s going to cry any second now.
“please don’t cry.” jaebum reaches out to... what, maybe patting youngjae’s head or squeezing his hunched shoulders, but youngjae huffs and glares at his arm, turning around so his back is to jaebum.
“god.” jaebum sighs again, rubbing his temple. defeated. probably saddened. because. because, you know, if it’s like this, will he be a good dad later on? his experience with kids is so fucking limited, for he’s an only child in his family. none of his friends have kids yet. wait. what’s his opinion of kids in general? they’re cute, that’s for sure, they’re loud, they still smell like baby powder. those kids on variety shows seem smart and fun to be around. youngjae seems smart, but is he fun?
“jaebum-hyung? it’s me.” jaebum snaps out of his daymare. jinyoung is here. “open the door...?” he damn nearly breaks his neck as he runs to open the door, revealing jinyoung covered from head to toe due to his idol status.
it’s been awhile. jaebum is struggling to keep his expression on check. jinyoung looks gorgeous in that grey beanie and red, thin scarf. his full lips and cheeks are pink from the weather, and forever being a considerate human being, he brings a plastic bag full of beer and snacks.
“hi.” jinyoung’s smile is shy.
“hey.” jaebum wants to kiss him.
“um, it’s cold?” jinyoung scrunches his nose, and yeah. yeah, jaebum thinks, relieved (?) yet somehow still horrified, definitely the mother of my son.
“sorry, come on in.” he takes the plastic bag from jinyoung’s hand, making sure the sleeve of his sweatshirt is hiding his injury. “there’s someone who wants to meet you.”
“oh?” jinyoung is toeing off his converse. he hasn’t seen youngjae sitting on his knees, craning his neck to their direction with the same nostalgic, longing smile that was once intended for jaebum. now the smile is solely for jinyoung, jaebum knows.
“oh!” jinyoung blinks when he finally sees youngjae standing up noisily. “annyeong~ who are you?” jinyoung smiles and glances at jaebum who nods at him to go on. “i’m jinyoung. you can call me hyung.”
jaebum snorts. “he doesn’t speak korean,” he says, “talk to him in english.”
“omo.” jinyoung giggles. he sits in front of youngjae and he takes youngjae’s hand for a cute handshake. “hi! my name is jinyoung. who are you?” jinyoung loves to sharpen up his english conversation skill with jackson and mark because he told jaebum that he wants to be able to communicate with GOT5’s overseas fans. jinyoung is also good with kids, jaebum has seen him interacting with lots of kids from fancams and fantaken photos on the internet. he’ll handle youngjae just fine.
“it’s me, mom, youngjae.”
there you go.
gasping, jinyoung hits his right knee on the underside of the dining table. he turns to jaebum for explanation, his eyes are wide.
jaebum puts the plastic bag on the floor and nods to the photograph placed in the middle of the table. he leans back to the wall as he watches jinyoung frown and plead at him to explain.
“look at the date,” jaebum says, “bottom right corner.”
“may first?” jinyoung reads it, then, “2015? but it’s april fourth today!”
“exactly.” jaebum doesn’t know why he’s whispering, but he does, and jinyoung pales when he really looks at youngjae, their son.
maybe it’s the unexpected disbelief blatantly painted on jinyoung’s face, maybe it’s jaebum’s stupid temper from before-because not a second later youngjae is bawling his heart out, sobbing pitifully with big, fat tears rolling down his squishy cheeks, clearly upset that his last hope of parental warmth is doubting him. jaebum doesn’t know what to do. he’s not ready to get rejected again. but it hurts knowing that he’s afraid of his son’s rejection because of what he did.
“i’m sorry! i’m sooooo so so sorry. come here, youngjae-yah.” jinyoung hushes youngjae with an encouraging smile. he gestures for the little boy to jump to his arms. youngjae does, hugging jinyoung’s neck so tight until jinyoung falls to lie on his back. jinyoung laughs, patting youngjae’s butt and stroking youngjae’s back, hugging him just as tightly.
“omo you’re too cold! jaebum-hyung, give us a blanket, quick!”
jaebum nearly breaks his neck again as he stumbles over the plastic bag, running to his room to get a blanket. he picks the thickest one, and jinyoung tugs him down after he’s done cocooning youngjae with it.
what? he mouths at jinyoung, whose glare is a carbon copy of youngjae’s. or is it the other way around?
what?? jaebum tries again, and jinyoung grabs his hand, placing it on top of his on youngjae’s blanketed back. oh, jaebum swallows down bitter saliva as he stiffly mimics jinyoung’s gentle stroking, okay, i can do that.
“good,” jinyoung whispers, “now lie down, hyung. sing to him.”
“what? why?” jaebum pulls his hand away from youngjae’s back and panics when youngjae whines.
“see?” jinyoung’s glare is fiercer and jaebum grimaces. “he needs you. come on!”
jaebum is going crazy. it’s not the right time to feel flattered by such unbeknownst fact.
“what should i sing to him?” he asks jinyoung as he lies down on his side, one hand propping up his head while the other is massaging youngjae’s nape. he feels a new urgency to make shit right as he waits for jinyoung to pick a song to sing. youngjae needs him. that’s. that’s just super mind-blowing, okay!
“ah,” jinyoung snaps his fingers, “the song from your last mixtape, hyung.” he continues with a pleasant hum. “the title... what is it?”
jaebum replays jinyoung’s brief humming in his head. “‘no one like you’?”
jinyoung nods frantically, and it’s jaebum’s cue to clear his throat.
“i like your eyes
i like your nose
i like your mouth, your ears, your toes
i like your face
it’s really you
i like the things you say and do...”
youngjae sniffs. he turns his head to face jaebum with a pouty smile and mucus smeared all over his nose and mouth. jaebum laughs, gently wiping off the mucus with his bare hand and then wiping his hand clean on his t-shirt. jinyoung is biting his bottom lip, probably trying not to cry himself, knowing his melancholic tendency.
“there’s not a single soul
who sees the skies
the way you see them through your eyes
and aren’t you glad
you should be glad
there’s no one, no one
exactly like you...”
youngjae reaches out his tiny palm to touch jaebum’s face, tenderly, like he’s trying to remember.
“i’m sorry, dad.” youngjae sighs, and he sounds just like jaebum when he does so.
“it’s okay.” jaebum kisses youngjae’s cold knuckles and holds them in his much bigger hand to warm him up.
“i love you.” youngjae declares, closing his eyes, looking contented lying down in jinyoung’s arms, who is of course crying quietly.
jaebum is going crazy because he’s whispering i love you back to his future son while biting his tongue so he won’t say the same thing to jinyoung, his another people of forever.
▼
im youngjae is five years old, born in seoul on september 17th, 2018. his current address is 333 fernleigh street, auckland. his dad is im jaebum who makes film, not movie, and his mom is park jinyoung who writes besseller books. they live in a big, two story house with a shiba dog named tata and a russian blue cat named nini. he’s supposed to have his piano lesson with miss gallagher every saturday, but here he is.
sleeping in jaebum’s lumpy bed, dressed in brand new panda printed pajama that the three of them had gone to buy at the nearest department store along with other stuffs.
they had spaghetti meatball for dinner, and both jaebum and jinyoung are full from it. they’re sitting outside on the wooden bench, jaebum remembering that he hasn’t had his first cigarette for the day but decides not to. if their calculation is right, he’s going to have to take care of youngjae until the first of may, next month, which means that he has to try to cease his smoking for the time being.
jaebum sighs.
“you’ve been doing that a lot, jaebum-hyung.” jinyoung’s words are tentative, like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to have a decent conversation with jaebum now that they don’t have their son between them as a peace mascot. at least his trademarked crow feet smile reaches his eyes, jaebum thinks, because why wouldn’t it be? youngjae is polite, he’s not that loud and his crisp laugh is contagious. he’s the best kid any parents could’ve asked for, including them, despite the shock that still haunts them like a shadow.
jaebum smiles. “what? sighing?”
“uh-huh. tired?”
“nah,” jaebum shakes his head. “overwhelmed, i guess. how about you? are you alright?”
“i’m fine,” jinyoung nods. “i’m just trying not to get ahead of myself.”
“why’s that?” jaebum takes a sip of his hite from the can. his second. he didn’t know he needed them.
jinyoung crosses his arms, acting defensive, probably because of what he’s going to say. jaebum swears he’s not going to lose his temper-
“you broke my heart, remember? but apparently we’re going to have youngjae together.”
-yeah, okay, maybe he’s losing his dignity a little.
they both pause for a heart beat.
“jinyoung-ah-”
“i just-”
jaebum grins and jinyoung covers his face with both hands. his shoulders are shaking. he speaks first, his voice is lighter and his face is beautiful underneath the moonlight.
“you’re aware that i’m in love with you, right?” it’s not a question, though. it’s a statement that jaebum can’t deny.
“yeah.” so jaebum doesn’t deny that he’s aware of how jinyoung orbits towards him on dance practices; how the constant notification on his line app is from jinyoung and how he’s actually, perfectly fine with everything; with how he pays for their meals and movie tickets and that one loony time buying a bouquet of fresh flowers for jinyoung-without being affected by the lack of soft angles and pussy from jinyoung’s part.
“i just don’t want to get ahead of myself. three years are a long time, hyung, lots of things can happen. i’m just taking care of my heart, you know? i mean, if you’re still mad at me for falling in love with you now, i understand.” jinyoung blushes. “youngjae is a guarantee that i’ll be yours, so i’m just saying that as for now i’m not going to do anything that you don’t want me to do, jaebum-hyung.”
“who said i’m mad?”
“y-you seemed mad at the last party, so i thought-”
“no, jinyoung-ah, listen,” jaebum takes jinyoung’s cold hands in his, rubbing his thumbs to jinyoung’s inner wrists. they really need to have this talk, huh? misunderstanding is tiring, jaebum’s been there and done that.
“i’m not mad. you didn’t do anything wrong. i don’t see you as another friend, either. in fact, i’ve never wanted to kiss a boy so much before you. i was just-” jaebum’s chuckle is bitter. “i’m a fucking coward, okay? you’re an idol, for fuck’s sake. i can’t risk your career for my own selfish needs.”
“what if i’m just as selfish as you? i want all of you, jaebum-hyung.” jinyoung sniffs, tugging his hands free to cross his arms again, being defensive again. “you should know that everything, from my lips to my heart, is already yours. so i want your cock in my mouth and i want you to fuck me until i forget my name. i want you to only look at me.”
jesus fucking christ.
misunderstanding is tiring, but nobody said to jaebum that honesty can be this cruel. jinyoung is beautiful inside and out, his aesthetic is incomparable and jaebum adores other valuable aspects that create park ‘jr.’ jinyoung whole.
but jaebum is only human.
his eyes dart down to jinyoung’s pink, chapped lips as he confesses, “i do, i only look at you.” and jinyoung laughs, proud like he’s winning some big prize, and then he’s planting an open-mouthed kiss to jaebum’s mouth.
there are sparks, jaebum has to admit. it ignites his senses, pushing him to kiss back with reckless abandon, caging jinyoung’s beautiful face in his hands as he deepens the kiss. jinyoung is letting him invade his space; he goes pliant and follows jaebum’s lead, moaning and clawing at jaebum’s shoulders.
the kiss feels right. jinyoung tastes like tomato sauce and mint chocolate chip ice cream youngjae only shared with him because it’s obvious that youngjae favors his mom better than his awkward dad. jaebum smiles to the kiss, remembering how sulky he was when youngjae yelled mom don’t share our ice cream with dad! he bites jinyoung’s bottom lip and slips a hand into jinyoung’s fancy sweater, palming his hips and stomach.
jinyoung’s breath stutters cutely when jaebum’s thumb grazes his left nipple.
“no?” jaebum grins, mischievous.
“no.” jinyoung confirms, breathless. he slaps jaebum’s hand away from his body. “it’s only 2015.”
“are you saying we have to wait three years?” jaebum shifts closer to haul jinyoung to straddle his lap. jinyoung raises his eyebrows at the sudden intimacy, but he wraps his arms around jaebum’s shoulders anyway. “i thought you said you want me to fuck you until you forget your name.”
jinyoung rolls his eyes, impatient but sexy, and he tells jaebum to be creative in such a challenging, taunting tone jaebum can’t help but to play dirty by sucking a hickey high above the collar of jinyoung’s fancy sweater.
3
youngjae wakes up alone.
mom’s side of the bed is still warm. maybe youngjae can catch him before he goes off to work to kiss him goodbye. or maybe mom is in the bathroom. either way, youngjae is hungry, so he jumps off young dad’s uncomfortable bed (but don’t tell young dad that, okay, hush hush) and opens the bedroom door. the dining/living room is empty except for young dad sprawled like a starfish and snoring like a troll on the rattan mat. ugh, youngjae’s missed mom again!
sometimes mom isn’t home for a looooooong time (that’s when youngjae watches mom on TV, looking sooooo pretty as always)-but mom will video call youngjae and youngjae who’s forgotten that mom isn’t around will be reminded that mom is not here with him and he will puff out his chest to answer mom with a big boy smile. mom said, back home in auckland, if youngjae wanted to have a baby sister he had to learn to be a big brother, one step at a time.
(that means youngjae can’t whine when mom isn’t around. young dad is not that bad to spend time with, even though young dad needs to be reminded again and again that youngjae doesn’t want cucumber in his keem~bap. youngjae has to be patient because a big brother is supposed to be patient!).
youngjae goes to the bathroom to pee. he washes his hands and face. it’s nine o’clock in the morning, no wonder he’s hungry.
shuffling to sit closer to young dad’s head, youngjae pinches young dad’s nose to block the flow of oxygen. mom said it’s the only effective way to wake up young dad. youngjae thinks it’s not the right thing to pinch young dad’s nose, but young dad is a really heavy sleeper! youngjae tried to jump on him and he didn’t even wake up! once, mom helped young dad to sit up and shook him violently but still he didn’t wake up!
“grooohmph!” young dad splutters after a few second.
“i’m sorry i’m sorry!” youngjae apologizes with simple korean words he learns from mom. he jumps on top of young dad’s chest and peppering kisses all over young dad’s handsome face. “wake up, appa, wake up~” mom said to do aegyo as soon as young dad is blinking himself awake, because then young dad would forget his anger and he would do whatever youngjae want.
young dad, who was frowning and grumbling, goes soft like marshmallow as soon as he sees youngjae’s new version of mehrong and he ruffles youngjae’s hair as he sits up.
“good morning, youngjae-yah.” he squishes youngjae’s cheeks gently.
“good morning, appa.” youngjae bows his head. “what’s for breakfast?”
“breakfast? what time is it.” young dad squints to his phone and rubs his face roughly, sighing. everything young dad does is rough, youngjae thinks, from his cursing habit to his sudden, exploding temper thanks to a football match on TV. even the way he eats and sleeps are rough. but young dad protects mom who’s busy holding youngjae as they ride the crowded subway and he’s quick to apologize when he and mom have an argument. in conclusion, young dad is very different from mom because mom’s hands are soft and they smell like the bakery. mom also helps youngjae picking out his clothes for the day and he brushes youngjae’s hair. mom loves to take youngjae’s photos with his phone, using a particularly weird one of youngjae drawing a house as a wallpaper.
“breakfast, huh.” young dad moves to stand up and he brings youngjae with him. “super k?”
“okay.” youngjae clings to young dad’s wiiide shoulders and decides that he wants a piggyback. “piggyback, daddy, please.”
“what?” young dad asks as he takes out a bowl from the cabinet.
“nothing.” youngjae changes his mind, scrunching his nose because he shouldn’t have wanted a piggyback in the first place. young dad must be having a hard time preparing youngjae’s breakfast while holding youngjae in his arms.
“no, please, what did you want just now, youngjae-yah?” young dad swings youngjae’s tiny body so youngjae is sitting on top of the kitchen counter. “please tell me, it’s okay.” see, not only that young dad is awkward but he’s also so weird. more often than not, he acts as if he’s afraid of youngjae. why, youngjae has no idea. but youngjae is sure he’s not scary... youngjae is kyeopta!
youngjae grins. he throws his arms and kicks his little feet and shouts cutely, “orange juice, juseyo~~~”
young dad, thankfully, laughs. “you weren’t asking for orange juice, were you? you brat.” he’s back to complicated korean before he pinches youngjae’s chin. “orange juice it is. you can have oreo after breakfast. dad won’t tell mom.”
“really?!” youngjae squeals in delight. he loves oreo! but mom is usually so meany about youngjae eating too much sugar after breakfast!
“only if you share.”
“of course, daddy!”
▼
in auckland, dad drives a big, black car everywhere. in seoul, they take the subway or the bus.
youngjae gets tired easily because he’s not used to walk the long distance from one place to another, and it’s mom who will take him to his arms while young dad brings their stuffs. but youngjae makes sure to tell mom and young dad that he likes seoul. the colors are more vivid here.
mom is a singer in seoul. he’s famous among girls. they want to shake his bakery scented hands and pose together for a photo. some of them recognize young dad, too, and they also want to take photos with young dad. they give youngjae lots of candies and chocolates when young dad lies to them that youngjae is his nephew. young dad tells them not to take youngjae’s photos because he says youngjae’s parents don’t want any exposure and they all comply with their serious but pretty faces (mom’s still the prettiest) and then one of them asks a question and young dad answers awkwardly no, i’m not on a date with jr., ha ha ha!
“are you okay?” young dad whispers once the hoard of girls 3.0 of the day is gone. “did they hurt you?”
youngjae knows this routine; mom or young dad will ask whether he’s okay or not after people touching him. youngjae doesn’t think that’s very nice of mom and young dad, because everyone is so kind to youngjae!
“no, appa.” youngjae answers in korean, watching mom sending off his fans with a wave.
“good. now which ride do you want to try?”
youngjae blows out his cheeks to think. lotte indoor amusement park is huuu~ge, but it’s weird because the rides are inside a huge room. youngjae likes outdoor amusement park more. he wants to see the blue sky.
“viking.”
“viking? are you sure?”
“we rode it in auckland before, dad.”
there’s a slight crestfallen look on young dad’s expression after he heard what youngjae just said. oh, no! what did youngjae do?
“appa?” youngjae juts out his bottom lip, clinging to young dad’s chest. “are you okay?”
usually, when young dad smiles, his eyes disappear into thin slits. but not this time, even though he’s smiling. oh, no! nooooooo what did youngjae do? nooooo young dad can’t look sad no no no!
“do you want mom, dad?” youngjae tip toes to touch young dad’s sharp-boned cheeks. young dad laughs at that and leans down to hug him instead, humming, stroking youngjae’s back, inhaling youngjae’s baby powder scent.
“you’re really mine, right?” young dad whispers to nothing in particular. he’s using his complicated korean. “you’ll be there, right? tell me all of this is not a fucking sick joke because i don’t want you to go, youngjae-yah.”
oh, young dad is saying his name? but youngjae doesn’t understand the rest...
“hi baby, what’s going on here?” mom comes back with a smile that’s soon falling when he notices young dad’s unusual display of public affection. young dad holds youngjae in public, yes that’s true, but never this desperate, youngjae thinks as he wraps his tiny arms around young dad’s neck.
“jaebum-hyung?”
“i’m okay, i’m okay.”
“no you’re not.”
mom sits next to young dad on the red bench and young dad hides his face on the crook of mom’s neck, away from youngjae’s confused eyes. mom is shushing young dad, his bakery scented hands are gentle on young dad’s head. youngjae frowns when he feels wetness seeping through his pororo sweatshirt, and he gasps when he understands what’s happening.
“appa?” he whimpers, tugging at young dad’s jeans. “appa?”
mom reaches out to rub youngjae’s left ear, gesturing at him to wait with a pretty smile. youngjae pouts but he nods and moves to cling to mom’s waist, closing his eyes, blocking the world.
young dad recovers much, much later with a sigh. and a wet sniff. he uses the bumps of his palms to roughly rub his eyes. they’re red when young dad glances at him, but his smile is making his reddened eyes disappear into thin slits so youngjae smiles back and climbs to his lap.
young dad presses a long kiss to the top of youngjae’s head and asks, “still want to ride viking?”
“yes!” youngjae shouts, adding extra aegyo to his korean answer.
“that’s my son.” young dad grins and carries him like a sack of rice on his left shoulder, mom following behind them with their stuffs, smiling prettily like always.
▼
“miss you, i really miss you
geuraedo simsimhaji anke nae norael bulleojulge
turn the radio o-o-on
turn the radio o-o-on
miss you, i really miss you
nega nal saenggakhal su itge nae norael bulleojulge
turn the radio o-o-on
turn the radio o-o-on
cuz i wanna be...”
“what a beautiful voice you have, kid.”
youngjae blinks. he stops singing the song he loves the most from mom’s CDs and turns to the baritone voice greeting him from the front door. a handsome adult wearing black from head to toe is grinning at him as he takes off his black shoes.
“who are you tho? this is jb-hyung’s apartment, right?” youngjae thinks this adult is speaking way too fast. his korean sounds weird, like, youngjae-weird. not fluent. “oh that’s the one i’m looking for. so he’s been hiding from us here. is he sleeping?”
youngjae follows the adult’s finger pointing at mom, and he shrugs because he doesn’t understand the question.
the adult frowns.
“where’s jb-hyung?” he tiptoes to get inside, and sits down in front of youngjae. he’s really handsome. his eyes are big and he smells like the ocean.
youngjae understands that question. his answer is in english, “out. dancing with his crew.” and the adult makes a comical face.
“you speak english?” he switches to english easily and youngjae smiles. “cool! i’m jackson, jb-hyung and jinyoung’s friends. who are you, sweet cheeks?”
“im youngjae.” youngjae is suddenly feeling shy. sweet cheeks? that’s new. “can i call you jackson?”
“of course, baby pea.” jackson bops the tip of youngjae’s nose and youngjae giggles. baby pea? no one has ever called youngjae baby pea before!
jackson grins. “are you lost or something? why are you here?”
youngjae shakes his head, putting his tiny hands to his warm cheeks. “i’m not lost.”
“no? okay. where you from? the states?”
“no. auckland.”
“new zealand? awesome!” jackson then looks at youngjae funnily. youngjae pouts. he hasn’t showered and he had cereal for breakfast. does he have eye-booger or milk-mustache? why is jackson looking at him funnily?
jackson claps his hands and mom, who was home so late last night he fell asleep on the living room fully dressed, groans in his sleep (thankfully he’s not awake). jackson grimaces handsomely, and whispers, “you know what? now that i take a good look at you, you kinda look like jb-hyung. it’s the eye-centered mole. are you his nephew?”
youngjae’s heard young dad and mom lie about who he is to strangers. but jackson is not a stranger, is he? he said he’s young dad and mom’s friend. he could enter young dad’s password protected house! should youngjae tell jackson the truth? should he lie to jackson? but youngjae doesn’t want to lie to jackson because jackson calls youngjae sweet cheeks and baby pea!
“im youngjae,” youngjae answers, pointing at himself. “im youngjae.”
“im youngjae? jb-hyung’s nephew, then. make sense.” jackson grins. “what were you doing? have you eaten?”
youngjae shakes his head. he was waiting for mom to wake up to cook him something for lunch. mom’s fried rice is the best.
“tsk, tsk. jb-hyung is so irresponsible.” jackson scoffs in korean. “i happen to be hungry as well. just landed from hong kong, my hometown. do you want burger king? i’ll let you have ice cream after, how about that?”
youngjae perks up at the mention of burger king and ice cream. and he wants to talk to jackson more.
“let’s go!” youngjae gets to his feet and drapes himself over jackson’s back. “piggyback me, jackson!”
“okay okay!” jackson lifts him up and asks where his jacket is. they go to young dad’s bedroom and jackson helps youngjae wearing his miniature bomber jacket and ducky socks. he piggybacks youngjae all the way to burger king two blocks from young dad’s house, and he fulfills his promise as he lets youngjae picks the ice cream he likes at 7-11. jackson takes him to a park to enjoy their ice creams where there are lots of kids around youngjae’s age playing on the playground. it’s sunday. the weather is warm and nice.
“is this a date?” youngjae blurts out.
“what?” jackson laughs/chokes. he needs a minute to answer, “do you want it to be? because yea, sure, youngjae-yah, it’s a date.” and he sounds so genuine he’s making youngjae blush.
“awww, look who’s having a crush on me!” jackson coos at him, pinching his nose. “i’m so flattered! what do you want to do next, youngjae-yah?”
youngjae wants to run and hide. he thought he wanted to marry miss gallagher but jackson is too awesome! i’m sorry miss gallagher!
“i dunno...” youngjae whines.
“if we’re talking about a date, we should go to the arcade. i will win you a plushie. wait wait, we should take sticker photos, i saw a box near here!”
“sticker photos?”
“you’ll like it. it’s so cute.” jackson nudges youngjae’s shoulders until youngjae falls to his side. instead of helping him to get up, jackson just laughs at him. “come on!”
time flies when youngjae is on a date (gosh!) with jackson, because it’s already dark by the time they get out of the arcade, youngjae hugging a cat and a bunny plushie while burying his face in blue colored cotton candy. it’s past dinner time, but jackson said they should go home first because his phone’s battery is dead and he couldn’t call both young dad or mom. he said he’s got a hunch that he will get yelled at for taking youngjae out on a date without telling any of them.
true to his words enough, jackson gets a yelling and a hard slap to his handsome face from mom when they’re home. youngjae is about to protest because jackson has done nothing wrong, but then he sees mom is crying and youngjae doesn’t know why but he’s crying too.
“mom? mom please don’t cry,” youngjae whispers, kneeling down to get closer to mom’s pitiful looking bundle on the floor. youngjae is so sad that he made mom worried about him.
“did you just call him ‘mom’?” jackson repeats, his voice is losing the playful tone youngjae has always heard throughout their date. he’s still standing by the opened front door, a visible handprint on his left cheek. “what the fuck?”
it’s as if mom is triggered by jackson’s bad f word because he pulls youngjae to his arms, stands up, and he sounds so unkind when he hisses,
“go away, jackson-ah.” and then he stomps off to young dad’s bedroom, locking it, slumping against the bed with youngjae situated on his lap.
“m-mom? that’s jackson. youngjae was just playing with him, it’s okay.” youngjae sobs, because he’s also sad that mom slapped jackson.
“it’s not okay!” mom snaps weakly, and youngjae understands that he deserves it so he just cries quietly to mom’s chest.
outside, jackson is rattling the door handle. he bangs the door when he can’t open it. “hey! hey, that’s not fair! jinyoung-ah, talk to me!” he calls out in korean. “what is happening, jinyoung-ah? isn’t youngjae jb-hyung’s nephew? why did he call you mom?”
mom keeps his mouth shut.
“jinyoung-ah!”
“yah, i’m not mad or whatever, okay? just talk to me.”
“is youngjae really your son? he’s so big, he’s like five. you’re like, you’re nineteen, right? no way you had him when you were fourteen, goddammit, talk to me!”
“jinyoung-ah!”
“jackson-ah?” youngjae and mom gasp simultaneously at the sound of young dad’s terse voice. “what are you doing here?” there’s another rattling on the door handle. “jinyoung-ah? are you in there? is youngjae with you?”
“appa!” youngjae jumps off mom’s lap and unlocks the door. he meets young dad’s already opened arms and the tears are coming again as young dad holds him tight. jackson is just standing there rooted to the spot, looking back and forth to young appa and mom like they’re aliens from outer space.
▼
they talk it over dinner, which is a big serving of pizza and fried chicken and cola. mom’s eyes are swollen and he looks pale and he’s still not talking to jackson; he clings to young dad while making sure youngjae eats properly.
young dad looks more tired than usual. jackson is just making dumb faces during young dad’s explanation.
“jesus, that’s a lot to take in,” jackson phews, taking off his black snapback and wiping his sweaty temple. “not jinyoungie falling for you, jb-hyung, that one is too obvious, but youngjae coming from the future! whoa! what the hell. lemme see the photo you’re talking about. i’m still hoping this is just a dream, y’know?”
“what was that?” youngjae pouts when he hears mom snap again, in korean this time. they’ve been having the talk in korean, and youngjae who doesn’t understand a thing is getting sleepy after such hearty dinner.
“what?” jackson drinks his cola noisily.
“who else knows about my feeling for jaebum-hyung?” mom sits up straighter, but youngjae sees how tight his clutch is on young dad’s forearm.
“i recall exchanging knowing look with mark a couple of times,” jackson says, his baritone voice is like a lullaby to youngjae. “but we never talked about it. i mean, it’s yours, jinyoungie, what can we do about your feeling?” he pauses. “bambam and yugyeom... nope. i don’t think they know. too busy flirting with girl groups, i bet.”
mom nods, putting his head back to young dad’s right shoulder.
“i won’t tell a soul.”
“i know you won’t, jackson-ah. thank you.”
“anything for you, bro. jb-hyung? you got anything to say?”
“like what?”
“you tell me.”
“i haven’t fucked jinyoung yet.”
“gross! there’s a child on your lap! my god, you’re going to make jinyoung cry again.”
“then stop with your nonsense.”
jackson huffs, but he moves his focus to youngjae, who’s nodding off, head lolled up and down uncontrollably. youngjae is fast asleep by now.
“and how will youngjae go back to the future? did he come in a time machine, jb-hyung?”
“jinyoung thought we should reenact the photo on the designed date, and wait for what’s going to happen on that day.”
“where’s the photo? i asked to see it, ugh.”
“here, don’t sulk. you’re not cute.”
“whatever. oh, wow. whoa. it really is-was?-will be taken on may first. when’s may first anyway? shit, next friday? can i come over to say goodbye to youngjae? i think i might be his first love, after all.”
“what the hell? i’m not going to allow that.”
“yah, jb-hyung, i’m so insulted right now. he asked if we were on a date this afternoon, i swear! yah. yah, don’t glare at me, park jinyoung!”
“stop screaming, my son is sleeping.”
4
jackson is only twenty. sure he sings about love and whatnots, but he himself hasn’t been in love with anyone. there’s a dating ban from JYP entertainment artist contract, and to be honest jackson thinks he doesn’t need to be in a relationship to fall in love with someone. look at jinyoung. he’s in love with jb-hyung but they don’t put a label on what they have now and they’re happy.
“ready, guys?” he holds out the photo on an arm length. “youngjae-yah, don’t forget to scrunch your nose, okay? jb-hyung, get closer to jinyoung.”
“here?”
“yea. now put your arm around jinyoung’s waist,” jackson feels like teasing his friends so he adds, “don’t be shy.”
“shut the fu-”
jinyoung interrupts jb-hyung’s curse with a cheerful, “hyung, language.” and jb-hyung hilariously obeys like a very obedient husband he secretly is.
“dad, smile!” youngjae says, and jackson presses the shutter button.
bonus: christmas eve 2017
jaebum is close, jinyoung has been on the receiving end way too many times he’s restoring the stutter of jaebum’s hips and jaebum’s louder growls on the back of his mind so he can move automatically in sync with jaebum.
jinyoung always feels like he’s on top of the world when jaebum comes, knowing that he’s the one providing for jaebum’s carnal needs.
when jaebum is pulling out of him, slowly, taking his time, jinyoung twists the bed sheet tighter, biting his bottom lip, savoring the last inch of jaebum’s cock in him.
he doesn’t expect jaebum’s panicked, “oh fuck. shit. fuck. fuck.” though.
jinyoung uses his elbows to hold his weight, peering at the older man through the darkness. “w-what’s wrong, hyung?”
jaebum grits his teeth. “the condom broke,” he says, and jinyoung can hear the blood rushing in his ears. “fuck. did you-did you take your pills this month?”
“yes,” jinyoung puts a hand to his left chest, feeling his loud and frantic heart beats. he closes his eyes. “oh my god, jaebum-hyung, you scared me.”
“sorry.” jaebum chuckles from somewhere above him, and then they’re kissing rather obscenely like they didn’t just have two rounds of weekend sex. jaebum bites jinyoung’s chin before he jumps off of the bed. “shower?”
“later.” jinyoung opens his eyes to jaebum’s naked back, smiling at the angry, red lines adorning jaebum’s skin. “you go first.”
one | part two