THE TWILIGHT SAGA ZONE, PART 4: BELLA’S BIG FAT VAMPIRE WEDDING
Breaking Dawn Part 1
Wedding! Honeymoon! Babies!
It’s not often I spend the first hour of a film thinking, “Please kill me.” This is one of those films. Okay, the first film also starts really slow. But this is the kind of pure schmaltz that you could only get from a teenage dream wedding and subsequent honeymoon (with money).
About midway through you start getting into vampire-human mutant baby problems, which is nice, and does present a few challenges for everyone because no vampire has ever gotten a human lady pregnant before - largely because human ladies generally don’t survive vampire sex, apparently, although luckily for Bella, Edward is sensitive to her needs (though not to the point of giving her more sex when she needs it for safety reasons, which is a shame as she was a virgin until their wedding night and WHERE ELSE IS SHE GOING TO GET THE SWEET LOVING NOW, EDWARD?).
So anyway, now Bella has a mutant baby in her tummy and the gestation period is apparently just a couple of weeks, and it’s also apparently drinking her blood from the inside. Which would be a great movie if it wasn’t this one, which takes a premise like that and makes it about as scary as an average family soap opera.
And that’s pretty much all that happens (though this is only Part 1, which means the studio wanted to include as much boring detail from the final book as possible, so they made two movies instead of one, which is all Harry Potter’s fault for being a better series).
I'm keeping my baby,
This is dF
This entry was originally posted at http://defrog.dreamwidth.org/1434615.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Wedding! Honeymoon! Babies!
It’s not often I spend the first hour of a film thinking, “Please kill me.” This is one of those films. Okay, the first film also starts really slow. But this is the kind of pure schmaltz that you could only get from a teenage dream wedding and subsequent honeymoon (with money).
About midway through you start getting into vampire-human mutant baby problems, which is nice, and does present a few challenges for everyone because no vampire has ever gotten a human lady pregnant before - largely because human ladies generally don’t survive vampire sex, apparently, although luckily for Bella, Edward is sensitive to her needs (though not to the point of giving her more sex when she needs it for safety reasons, which is a shame as she was a virgin until their wedding night and WHERE ELSE IS SHE GOING TO GET THE SWEET LOVING NOW, EDWARD?).
So anyway, now Bella has a mutant baby in her tummy and the gestation period is apparently just a couple of weeks, and it’s also apparently drinking her blood from the inside. Which would be a great movie if it wasn’t this one, which takes a premise like that and makes it about as scary as an average family soap opera.
And that’s pretty much all that happens (though this is only Part 1, which means the studio wanted to include as much boring detail from the final book as possible, so they made two movies instead of one, which is all Harry Potter’s fault for being a better series).
I'm keeping my baby,
This is dF
This entry was originally posted at http://defrog.dreamwidth.org/1434615.html. Please comment there using OpenID.