Recumbant?
I've been looking myself and my life over in the last few hours. At least since I woke up this morning. Last night, because I was tires, I assume, I was snapping and not willing to be patient for anything. In fact, I was down right pissy. The phone was tossed against the wall at one point. Right before I laid there and fell asleep full clothed. And this morning it made me want to know if things are really that bad? No. Not really. Everyone is entitled to a bad day now and again. But not to take it out on other people. But more to my thoughts about life, where my mind was going at the first.
People have told me that I am strong to have gotten through what I have had to and still want to help people on the other end. But I know plenty of people where my life pales in comparison to theirs. Yes, I was neglected to the point of abuse. Yes, I was manipulated, brainwashed, and told that I was nothing, but I was not physically abused. I was not sexually molested. Yet, I hit a depression that I wouldn't wish on anyone. The only thing that I personally would commend of myself is the fact that I raised myself out of it. Not alone, mind you, but in the end it was of myself as all mental situations that environmentally grounded. Or most, I believe. But not a lot of people have done that to my knowledge. My mother used drugs when she went off the deep end. Then I would have appreciated drugs to help me out. But now I am glad that I had nothing to do with them. It makes it my accomplishment. Not theirs.
Then I began to think of my family. Mainly b/c of a message I received via myspace. My sister is with a friend's ex. My brother is in his own place. God only knows how my mother is doing. It's like they have been meticulously cut out of my life and my world. With each transgression, with each word stemmed in hate and malice, or in my mother's case - without a word spoken, and with each need gone unfulfilled - I have separated myself from the care I once had for them. If I stop seeing them as a part of my life then I can stop being hurt every time I am rejected, ignored, and mocked. I cannot cut everything out. And it hurts to think about sometimes, but I am done making the effort on all sides.
I have my life. My friends. My accomplishments. My job. And I have a family. Not the one I was born into in it's entirety, but it works and we support each other. Something that I was not aware that families did until I started taking Psych classes in college. It's what the family dynamic is all about. Having a support network that can work together and make things happen for one another. That could never have happened with the cards that I had been dealt. So I reshuffled and tried again.
And I smell like meat at the moment cause I now work at a deli. Bleh. I may never look at cold cuts the same way again.
People have told me that I am strong to have gotten through what I have had to and still want to help people on the other end. But I know plenty of people where my life pales in comparison to theirs. Yes, I was neglected to the point of abuse. Yes, I was manipulated, brainwashed, and told that I was nothing, but I was not physically abused. I was not sexually molested. Yet, I hit a depression that I wouldn't wish on anyone. The only thing that I personally would commend of myself is the fact that I raised myself out of it. Not alone, mind you, but in the end it was of myself as all mental situations that environmentally grounded. Or most, I believe. But not a lot of people have done that to my knowledge. My mother used drugs when she went off the deep end. Then I would have appreciated drugs to help me out. But now I am glad that I had nothing to do with them. It makes it my accomplishment. Not theirs.
Then I began to think of my family. Mainly b/c of a message I received via myspace. My sister is with a friend's ex. My brother is in his own place. God only knows how my mother is doing. It's like they have been meticulously cut out of my life and my world. With each transgression, with each word stemmed in hate and malice, or in my mother's case - without a word spoken, and with each need gone unfulfilled - I have separated myself from the care I once had for them. If I stop seeing them as a part of my life then I can stop being hurt every time I am rejected, ignored, and mocked. I cannot cut everything out. And it hurts to think about sometimes, but I am done making the effort on all sides.
I have my life. My friends. My accomplishments. My job. And I have a family. Not the one I was born into in it's entirety, but it works and we support each other. Something that I was not aware that families did until I started taking Psych classes in college. It's what the family dynamic is all about. Having a support network that can work together and make things happen for one another. That could never have happened with the cards that I had been dealt. So I reshuffled and tried again.
And I smell like meat at the moment cause I now work at a deli. Bleh. I may never look at cold cuts the same way again.