I'm still reeling...
It's been nearly a week since we found out about John's death. I still can't believe it happened, still can't get over what this will do to Colleen. We were there for her every day until today, and it felt strange to get up in the morning and not head over to her house immediately. I can't think straight, can't concentrate on anything without this taking over my thoughts. Thank god Colleen has Patrick, Andrea, and Renee. My god, Renee is such a angel, I had no idea what an amazing person she was before all this...she is so strong, I can't even begin to impart it.
They made me one of them. I can't even say how much this means to me, even if I wish it had happened a few years ago, been able to spend more time with John before this disaster. We've been grieving together, sharing stories, laughing and crying at intervals, and they took me in. Made my nickname "rubber cement" and "aryan princess", ha. Gave me a crown and scepter. It was therapeutic, making those memory boards of John, cutting up pictures and quotes and scrapbooking....I've never heard Matt speak so much, and he told Scott if we were going to spend more time there he had to get better at first person shooters, lol. They plan on going to derby with us.....if that still is going to happen.....that's another story in itself.
We spent all of friday and saturday at the funeral home. The days were long and couldn't have been more exhausting. We went in with the family, caught Colleen when she first saw John and fell, sobbing....it ripped my heart out. Scott delivered a beautiful speech, as did many other friends and family. A co-worker of his sang the most beautiful rendition of "Danny Boy" that I've ever heard. He took out a little whistle and blew on it first to get the right note...John meant so much to so many people, there were hundreds that showed up over the weekend. Everyone considered him not just a friend, but a best friend. Everyone loved him. People who hadn't seen him in over a decade showed up to say how much they missed him. There will never be another like him. He affected everyone he met, in such a positive way.
I don't know how I can just go back to work tomorrow, and pretend everything's all right, just go on doing the crap job that I don't care about. don't know how I will be able to concentrate on anything....it just keeps hitting home harder and harder, and I can't even imagine what Colleen is going through. Thank god John made her make that promise....I just wish there was some way to alleviate her pain. but there's nothing....
Easter has been horrible. We tried going out with family down the shore, but it just wasn't any good. Now both St. Patty's Day--especially St. Patty's Day--and Easter will both have negative connotations.
Blech. Just blech.