what the fuck has happend to me
my fucking gawd! the worst has come since soo long that i have typed anything about my life but soo as a recap on what i have read in past postings...life has gotten worse soo after megan as my last post states i 1) got a OWI(drinking while driveing) 2) met Amber 3) left amber 4) became more fucked up than ever imagind
soo the aftermath of megan didnt last much longer after the problems started we tried to get it all worked out but after i got drunk at the bar and attempted to make my way home i was sent to jail for the night wasnt fun as it could never be.....she left me for this and after i slowly picked up the aftermath and swept it under the floor as normal i met amber..hmph what ever i wanted i have thought i had found "again" a girl who loved life and loved me and on side not had a kid (not mine) justin arron gylespy the little boy who took my heart away with everything i felt whole i had a family of my own...then i turned all of a sudden the man she wanted was not me it was someone who made more money acted like someone not me did all the right things( like i could ever do) and i fucking put all that shit to the side because fuck her i needed to take care of this boy with a fucked up mother and father i had to make his life better i lived and breathed and worked my fucking ass off to make his life better day in and day out working 90 hour weeks to make money for him to make whatever i could better for him i love this kid and when somethings happend whith my life that amber would not stand for and told me that i dont deserve to have strings pulled(after doing everything she wanted me to do) i decided to leave her after tons of mental and emotional abuse i left her i left her and the boy who i wish and felt was my own...after amber moved out and everyone hated her and on her sided hatted me we tried to make it work for what i dont know probly my need to see the boy and i do love her i still do and i love him more than anything in this fucked up world i live in we were together romaticly ( me and amber) and then she ran up a bill that i was paying for just soo she had a phone she was talking to other guys on it and i was paying for it and was trying to work out our relationship she fucked me and i couldnt pay for it and she told me it wasnt her problem( she didnt care) and durring that time we conceved.....after talking about it with her about what will happen A) have it B) not have it...under the discussion about having it she told me it would have nothing to do with my family wich killed me inside and made my dession to go the other rout...this is not to mention that we were trying to have a baby for like the past 8 months prior to the break up this is killing me all i want is a family i feel i have been fucked not to mention the wonderfull HPV megan gave me my life is full of stupid bullshit that i will remain alone sad depressed and i have also tried to take my life 2x and sadly woke up both times what the fuck is my life still in my lungs why do i still breath i hate this i want everything to go away i dont want this guilt pain resentments emptyness in my life anymore im broken...i just want to cry all the time i loose myself in a false reality to make me feel like i am something(W.O.W.) i rly am nothing i dont deserve to live anymore everything i touch turns into garbo the one thing that makes me forget is my false reality i have soo much happening to me unto my own selfish wants but they are all materialistic items what i rly want is my life back my love passion something to make this all worth while...my best friend who i have been in dire love with and i finaly made my move i feel isnt working out in the hopes and way i want it to FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ME!!!!!!!!!! i will be dead by next week soo i said the past weeks befor it will never happen and when it dos i will be at peace
soo the aftermath of megan didnt last much longer after the problems started we tried to get it all worked out but after i got drunk at the bar and attempted to make my way home i was sent to jail for the night wasnt fun as it could never be.....she left me for this and after i slowly picked up the aftermath and swept it under the floor as normal i met amber..hmph what ever i wanted i have thought i had found "again" a girl who loved life and loved me and on side not had a kid (not mine) justin arron gylespy the little boy who took my heart away with everything i felt whole i had a family of my own...then i turned all of a sudden the man she wanted was not me it was someone who made more money acted like someone not me did all the right things( like i could ever do) and i fucking put all that shit to the side because fuck her i needed to take care of this boy with a fucked up mother and father i had to make his life better i lived and breathed and worked my fucking ass off to make his life better day in and day out working 90 hour weeks to make money for him to make whatever i could better for him i love this kid and when somethings happend whith my life that amber would not stand for and told me that i dont deserve to have strings pulled(after doing everything she wanted me to do) i decided to leave her after tons of mental and emotional abuse i left her i left her and the boy who i wish and felt was my own...after amber moved out and everyone hated her and on her sided hatted me we tried to make it work for what i dont know probly my need to see the boy and i do love her i still do and i love him more than anything in this fucked up world i live in we were together romaticly ( me and amber) and then she ran up a bill that i was paying for just soo she had a phone she was talking to other guys on it and i was paying for it and was trying to work out our relationship she fucked me and i couldnt pay for it and she told me it wasnt her problem( she didnt care) and durring that time we conceved.....after talking about it with her about what will happen A) have it B) not have it...under the discussion about having it she told me it would have nothing to do with my family wich killed me inside and made my dession to go the other rout...this is not to mention that we were trying to have a baby for like the past 8 months prior to the break up this is killing me all i want is a family i feel i have been fucked not to mention the wonderfull HPV megan gave me my life is full of stupid bullshit that i will remain alone sad depressed and i have also tried to take my life 2x and sadly woke up both times what the fuck is my life still in my lungs why do i still breath i hate this i want everything to go away i dont want this guilt pain resentments emptyness in my life anymore im broken...i just want to cry all the time i loose myself in a false reality to make me feel like i am something(W.O.W.) i rly am nothing i dont deserve to live anymore everything i touch turns into garbo the one thing that makes me forget is my false reality i have soo much happening to me unto my own selfish wants but they are all materialistic items what i rly want is my life back my love passion something to make this all worth while...my best friend who i have been in dire love with and i finaly made my move i feel isnt working out in the hopes and way i want it to FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ME!!!!!!!!!! i will be dead by next week soo i said the past weeks befor it will never happen and when it dos i will be at peace