(no subject)
sometimes i wonder if i collect boys like things. sometimes i wonder if i should spend more time thinking about worldly issues instead of relationship issues. i have done my papers. things are taken care of so now i have been spending my time on the balcony of OA staring at people and smoking. i haven't really felt antisocial, i just have been enjoying being alone. something odd is happening to me, i feel caged, but not the usual earlham, small college freak outs that many people have. i think i'm just totally ready for summer. its odd, but i miss wakonda. its like a great meal that you eat all the time but its still good because its predictable. i know whats going to happen everyday i go to work, i'll walk in, get a cup of water, gossip with coworkers, drink in the bathroom(or knowing summer, and its indulgences, it will be some other substance) and go the stand and sleep under my sunglasses. its ok, no one every drowns(just die from trees falling on their heads) no relationship problems in summer, i just innocently sleep with one of my coworkers and its fine...i mean sometimes i get bored. but yeah, in the summer i dont' spend hours analyizing my relationships with others, instead i drive in my car in the country and smoke the bong and enjoy life. i'm tired of being involved, i'm tired of being invested. although ifeel outwardly grumpy and bitey and mean i am quite content. i just want everyone to myself. everyone i've ever been involved with i want them all to myself i want a big room of boys that i've been with so i can have all their attention. god i'm an awful person. do i really mean this, i wonder sometimes. i wonder because my ideas of relationships.sex. opposite sex nonsexual relationships seem so offcenter from everyone elses. i wonder if i feel bad sometimes just because no one in the entire world feels like me. i feel alone with my sexual beliefs, and i have never felt alone and judged until i came to earlham. its ok though, i think i'm fucking awesome and i'm going to continue to make myself happy and sit on the OA balcony and ponder life.