(no subject)
i am feeling rushed and unfocused, drinking juice boxes and eating eating ginger snaps, alone for an extended amount of time. ryan has flown to arizona for christmas, and i just figured out that last night (spent on the couch, albeit with all the bedclothes from our room) was the first night i spent alone in probably two years. the first night without a body next to me, without someone to say goodnight to in the dark. only the third night we have spent apart since we started dating.
i kept the television on, but eventually had to turn off the lights. woke up at three, at four, at seven, but overslept for work; of course.
i have, in these last few weeks, been dealing with some of the most intense depression/self-hatred i have ever experienced. and while some of this is predicated by outside forces - while some of it is influenced by the circumstances of life itself - i finally have to come to terms with the fact that most of it is just ME. my mind, and my problems - my lack of self resolve, my behaviour patterns, my heart. i am the one who is picking at my skin non-stop, who is taking (up to) five showers a day, who cannot leave the house, who does not want to be looked at, spoken to, noticed. i am the one who had a mild panic attack on saturday night because my best friend finally convinced me to do karaoke and i could just feel everyones eyes. i am the one who has not let her boyfriend of five months ever see her without makeup; who infact wakes up before him without fail to re-apply the makeup i never remove before sleeping. i am the one who berates and belittles herself with photos of his ex; who wanted nothing more than to move out of the state after seeing her at a bar a week ago.
i am the one, the one and only, the only one.
i kept the television on, but eventually had to turn off the lights. woke up at three, at four, at seven, but overslept for work; of course.
i have, in these last few weeks, been dealing with some of the most intense depression/self-hatred i have ever experienced. and while some of this is predicated by outside forces - while some of it is influenced by the circumstances of life itself - i finally have to come to terms with the fact that most of it is just ME. my mind, and my problems - my lack of self resolve, my behaviour patterns, my heart. i am the one who is picking at my skin non-stop, who is taking (up to) five showers a day, who cannot leave the house, who does not want to be looked at, spoken to, noticed. i am the one who had a mild panic attack on saturday night because my best friend finally convinced me to do karaoke and i could just feel everyones eyes. i am the one who has not let her boyfriend of five months ever see her without makeup; who infact wakes up before him without fail to re-apply the makeup i never remove before sleeping. i am the one who berates and belittles herself with photos of his ex; who wanted nothing more than to move out of the state after seeing her at a bar a week ago.
i am the one, the one and only, the only one.