thoughts from (at or around) the six-month milemarker
it's weird to say that I've been in a relationship for six months. it's also weird to think on that whole general time frame of last summer and think to myself, "wow, what if I had decided to never say anything?" or "what if I hadn't talked to Willy until the end of summer?". it's interesting to hypothesize what things might be like now if either of us had done something drastically different in the formation of our relationship.
I am still stunned at the shift that took place-- we went from being decently close friends to wanting to get married in a matter of days. it's very hard for me to even place the time in between. I can't remember feeling like there was much of a period of time where I felt like I was sure that he liked me back but we hadn't done anything about it... I think this is because I was only sure of it less than a week before we got together. it was definitely the time when the state of our relationship changed... but it was such a fast transition from feeling like I had to guard my heart so I wouldn't scare him away, to him telling me he was pretty sure I am the person he is supposed to marry. such a crazy, crazy time. but I'm digressing; anyway...
now that I'm reflecting on things, it would have been pretty cool to just have a once a week entry where I would write my general feelings for the week, or something interesting or funny that happened, or something of the sort. I know that there have been ebbs and flows in certain dimensions of our relationship, but it's becoming harder to place it all. oh well, you know what they say about hindsight.
I guess my overall impression of how things have been and how things are going really relates to this ebb and flow idea. I think I went into dating with the idea that you build upon a relationship in a stratified sort of way - first you get to know the basics of someone, then you get to know what kind of food they like and those sorts of things, then you begin to see their personality traits more, and then eventually you get down to the nitty gritty of who they are, and once you delve into the nitty gritty and figure it out, you have them figured out, the end. it would be pretty nice if things worked this way, but they don't. the fact is that you have no control over how you will get to know someone. and you basically have no control over the other person... unless you are okay with manipulating them (...I am not). this makes the process of relating very interesting.
getting to know Willy, I'm realizing, has been, is, and will be one of the goals of my whole life; and even moreso, WANTING to know him will also be a goal. the fact is, it is impossible to not be disappointed by someone at one time or the other, no matter how much you feel like you get them and they get you. and for me, when I am disappointed or hurt, my initial reaction is a desire to pull away, to isolate myself, and even somewhat to demonize them. it's much easier to categorize someone in some way than to forgive their slip-up, give them the benefit of the doubt and still be vulnerable to them hurting you again. for instance, when I am saying something and I can tell he isn't listening, it's much easier to just shut up, refuse to talk and then think in my head "he never wants to listen to me so I'll just stop trying." but this doesn't get us anywhere. I am seeing that I have to temper my reactions, because how I react does not affect one moment, but many moments to come. lately I feel like I am basically made out of tears because all I do is cry. I feel like I've cried every day for at least the last week, maybe two weeks. I keep apologizing because I think I would hate to deal with me if I were Willy. but he keeps telling me that I need to let myself cry, that I can't let myself get hard. and I know that he's right. I want to have a tender heart because I think that is what God ultimately desires for me. but it is hard when I realize that hardening myself is nearly instinctual - it's how I've dealt with other friendships when I get hurt, and how I dealt with and still do deal with my mom, too. but this relationship is different. it is a relationship that I will have with no one else, God willing; and therefore I recognize the seriousness of it, and I am willing to commit to making it strong, even when it hurts, and the hurt makes me want to retreat into my hermit shell.
the ebbs and flows in a relationship really are nothing you can control, I don't think. about a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks, we were really on a kick where all the time, I felt like "Willy is my bestest friend and I want to spend all my time with him!", whereas right now I kind of feel like "I really can't wait for school to be done so that we'll be less stressed out and frustrated, because a good part of the time we nickpick at each other about stupid things, and I listen to him complain all the time." I really can understand why people could call it quits six months into a marriage. really, I do. for awhile I didn't but it totally makes sense. it's very hard when you feel like you've given someone all of yourself (not that I have yet exactly, but I can at least empathize), and there's nothing left to give, but you're not happy. we have this sense that, for some reason, we should be really happy when we're dating or married to somebody; but what about all the times during singlehood that weren't exactly happy?
right now I'm tired, stressed, busy, frustrated, feeling misunderstood, and basically sick of a lot of things in my life. but I know that because God holds Willy and I together - and we want it that way - we will have life in Him. and in the ebbs and flows of life, happy and sad, poor and making it, annoyed with each other or supremely content in each other's presence, God has brought us together and will see us through. He who began a good work in us will continue it until the day of Christ Jesus. our days our numbered, and we trust God to order them as He wishes and have us spend them as He wants.
I have lots of hope in those things.
I am still stunned at the shift that took place-- we went from being decently close friends to wanting to get married in a matter of days. it's very hard for me to even place the time in between. I can't remember feeling like there was much of a period of time where I felt like I was sure that he liked me back but we hadn't done anything about it... I think this is because I was only sure of it less than a week before we got together. it was definitely the time when the state of our relationship changed... but it was such a fast transition from feeling like I had to guard my heart so I wouldn't scare him away, to him telling me he was pretty sure I am the person he is supposed to marry. such a crazy, crazy time. but I'm digressing; anyway...
now that I'm reflecting on things, it would have been pretty cool to just have a once a week entry where I would write my general feelings for the week, or something interesting or funny that happened, or something of the sort. I know that there have been ebbs and flows in certain dimensions of our relationship, but it's becoming harder to place it all. oh well, you know what they say about hindsight.
I guess my overall impression of how things have been and how things are going really relates to this ebb and flow idea. I think I went into dating with the idea that you build upon a relationship in a stratified sort of way - first you get to know the basics of someone, then you get to know what kind of food they like and those sorts of things, then you begin to see their personality traits more, and then eventually you get down to the nitty gritty of who they are, and once you delve into the nitty gritty and figure it out, you have them figured out, the end. it would be pretty nice if things worked this way, but they don't. the fact is that you have no control over how you will get to know someone. and you basically have no control over the other person... unless you are okay with manipulating them (...I am not). this makes the process of relating very interesting.
getting to know Willy, I'm realizing, has been, is, and will be one of the goals of my whole life; and even moreso, WANTING to know him will also be a goal. the fact is, it is impossible to not be disappointed by someone at one time or the other, no matter how much you feel like you get them and they get you. and for me, when I am disappointed or hurt, my initial reaction is a desire to pull away, to isolate myself, and even somewhat to demonize them. it's much easier to categorize someone in some way than to forgive their slip-up, give them the benefit of the doubt and still be vulnerable to them hurting you again. for instance, when I am saying something and I can tell he isn't listening, it's much easier to just shut up, refuse to talk and then think in my head "he never wants to listen to me so I'll just stop trying." but this doesn't get us anywhere. I am seeing that I have to temper my reactions, because how I react does not affect one moment, but many moments to come. lately I feel like I am basically made out of tears because all I do is cry. I feel like I've cried every day for at least the last week, maybe two weeks. I keep apologizing because I think I would hate to deal with me if I were Willy. but he keeps telling me that I need to let myself cry, that I can't let myself get hard. and I know that he's right. I want to have a tender heart because I think that is what God ultimately desires for me. but it is hard when I realize that hardening myself is nearly instinctual - it's how I've dealt with other friendships when I get hurt, and how I dealt with and still do deal with my mom, too. but this relationship is different. it is a relationship that I will have with no one else, God willing; and therefore I recognize the seriousness of it, and I am willing to commit to making it strong, even when it hurts, and the hurt makes me want to retreat into my hermit shell.
the ebbs and flows in a relationship really are nothing you can control, I don't think. about a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks, we were really on a kick where all the time, I felt like "Willy is my bestest friend and I want to spend all my time with him!", whereas right now I kind of feel like "I really can't wait for school to be done so that we'll be less stressed out and frustrated, because a good part of the time we nickpick at each other about stupid things, and I listen to him complain all the time." I really can understand why people could call it quits six months into a marriage. really, I do. for awhile I didn't but it totally makes sense. it's very hard when you feel like you've given someone all of yourself (not that I have yet exactly, but I can at least empathize), and there's nothing left to give, but you're not happy. we have this sense that, for some reason, we should be really happy when we're dating or married to somebody; but what about all the times during singlehood that weren't exactly happy?
right now I'm tired, stressed, busy, frustrated, feeling misunderstood, and basically sick of a lot of things in my life. but I know that because God holds Willy and I together - and we want it that way - we will have life in Him. and in the ebbs and flows of life, happy and sad, poor and making it, annoyed with each other or supremely content in each other's presence, God has brought us together and will see us through. He who began a good work in us will continue it until the day of Christ Jesus. our days our numbered, and we trust God to order them as He wishes and have us spend them as He wants.
I have lots of hope in those things.