"and nothing else matters..."
So life's tough. Not that I didn't realize that at all before, but this summer has definitely been one of the hardest of my life, not to mention the past few weeks have been difficult as well.
It seems that right now, the people I care about the most are temporarily out of my life, or I have isolated them somehow. Not a fun feeling, let me tell you. I mean, Jenna's not here, Emily's not here, Timon's in Afghan., my bro lives in Texas, some of the best friends I've had (Abby and Charis, especially) are pretty hard to keep in touch with, and I just feel lonely. Also, my parents have been gone for a week and have only called me once, and it was mainly to remind me to water the plants.
I feel that God is preparing to teach me another lesson here. Just as I've been learning lately that the key to my fulfillment and happiness is not a relationship (a lesson that I must repeat over and over again, I'm afraid), I'm realizing more and more that I also cannot depend on my friendships too much. I know that this is important for me to learn, because just as I'm going to try to become financially independent in the coming school year, I also need to become independent from people and dependent on God. I really see this as necessary because, frankly, I have no idea what God has in store for me; it could be anything. I could serve Him in a foreign country, or simply in a different part of the country. But I feel like this area is something I have to conquer, have to understand, and have to adapt to. If I don't, the attachment I have to other people is something that will hold me back from following what God wants me to do for Him. I have no solid evidence of this, but I feel it weighing heavily on my spirit and I know it's something God plans on teaching me.
This week I've had very few calls... almost no calls. I'm not sure what's going on w/ some of my friends, if I did something to upset some of them, or if they simply think I've been busy. But it's been pretty lonely. However, when I've gotten lonely, I haven't done the wise thing. I haven't pulled out my Bible and spent time w/ the Lord... I've spent time with my thoughts. Though seemingly harmless, I'm learning more and more as I get older that losing yourself in your own thoughts is dangerous/potentially harmful. You can so easily get absorbed in yourself and lose focus. I've done it before and I know it can (/will) happen again. The sad thing is that I have times where I'm sitting around, and the thought crosses my mind - "I could sit down and read my Bible" - then I don't want to. Does this disappoint God and hurt Him? I'm sure it does. I dunno. I guess I need to pray that He will fill me with a desire to spend time with Him, soak up His word and learn more about Him. I don't know how else to handle it.
These next few months are fo shotally going to be a time of discovering if I have the nerve and the drive to follow through on the ambitions that I have and, more importantly, the responsibilities given me. I'm kinda looking forward to it but at the same time I'm freaked out. I'm so scared that I'm going to fall flat on my face even worse than I already have. I'm afraid that I'll never get a job and I'll end up really upsetting my parents by letting them down. But I can't sit around being negative. I have to keep my head up, get some focus, and just press on.
I guess what it all really comes down to is remembering that this life is not permanent - NOTHING about it is permanent. Friendships do not last forever. Finances get drained and emptied. Possessions do not stay cutting edge but break down and go out of style. Clothing gets holes worn through it. People die. Bodies decay. EVERYTHING in this world that appears to have substance does NOT. Period. Only God and His Word remain when all else fades away. This is not only reassuring, but life-changing.
ISAIAH 40
6 A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."
With a recent change of heart I've had, I've GOT to adopt the mindset that although God wants me to love every person I come in contact with, I can't expect relationships to be perfect. In the same way, I canNOT let ANY relationship with a human being replace the relationship I have with my heavenly Father. He loves me enough to provide for my every need, not as I understand those needs, but He does it for my good. AMEN. Thank You, heavenly Father, for blessing after blessing, trial after trial, hardship, cold weather, rainy/yucky weather, bruises, illness, death, pain, and sadness - because it is through all these things, Lord, that we are satisfied and comforted in You. It is through our difficulties that You refresh us and raise us up to be the people You want us to be. Thank you LORD for being the same yesterday, today and forever.
2 CORINTHIANS 4:7-12
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
It seems that right now, the people I care about the most are temporarily out of my life, or I have isolated them somehow. Not a fun feeling, let me tell you. I mean, Jenna's not here, Emily's not here, Timon's in Afghan., my bro lives in Texas, some of the best friends I've had (Abby and Charis, especially) are pretty hard to keep in touch with, and I just feel lonely. Also, my parents have been gone for a week and have only called me once, and it was mainly to remind me to water the plants.
I feel that God is preparing to teach me another lesson here. Just as I've been learning lately that the key to my fulfillment and happiness is not a relationship (a lesson that I must repeat over and over again, I'm afraid), I'm realizing more and more that I also cannot depend on my friendships too much. I know that this is important for me to learn, because just as I'm going to try to become financially independent in the coming school year, I also need to become independent from people and dependent on God. I really see this as necessary because, frankly, I have no idea what God has in store for me; it could be anything. I could serve Him in a foreign country, or simply in a different part of the country. But I feel like this area is something I have to conquer, have to understand, and have to adapt to. If I don't, the attachment I have to other people is something that will hold me back from following what God wants me to do for Him. I have no solid evidence of this, but I feel it weighing heavily on my spirit and I know it's something God plans on teaching me.
This week I've had very few calls... almost no calls. I'm not sure what's going on w/ some of my friends, if I did something to upset some of them, or if they simply think I've been busy. But it's been pretty lonely. However, when I've gotten lonely, I haven't done the wise thing. I haven't pulled out my Bible and spent time w/ the Lord... I've spent time with my thoughts. Though seemingly harmless, I'm learning more and more as I get older that losing yourself in your own thoughts is dangerous/potentially harmful. You can so easily get absorbed in yourself and lose focus. I've done it before and I know it can (/will) happen again. The sad thing is that I have times where I'm sitting around, and the thought crosses my mind - "I could sit down and read my Bible" - then I don't want to. Does this disappoint God and hurt Him? I'm sure it does. I dunno. I guess I need to pray that He will fill me with a desire to spend time with Him, soak up His word and learn more about Him. I don't know how else to handle it.
These next few months are fo shotally going to be a time of discovering if I have the nerve and the drive to follow through on the ambitions that I have and, more importantly, the responsibilities given me. I'm kinda looking forward to it but at the same time I'm freaked out. I'm so scared that I'm going to fall flat on my face even worse than I already have. I'm afraid that I'll never get a job and I'll end up really upsetting my parents by letting them down. But I can't sit around being negative. I have to keep my head up, get some focus, and just press on.
I guess what it all really comes down to is remembering that this life is not permanent - NOTHING about it is permanent. Friendships do not last forever. Finances get drained and emptied. Possessions do not stay cutting edge but break down and go out of style. Clothing gets holes worn through it. People die. Bodies decay. EVERYTHING in this world that appears to have substance does NOT. Period. Only God and His Word remain when all else fades away. This is not only reassuring, but life-changing.
ISAIAH 40
6 A voice says, "Cry out."
And I said, "What shall I cry?"
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever."
With a recent change of heart I've had, I've GOT to adopt the mindset that although God wants me to love every person I come in contact with, I can't expect relationships to be perfect. In the same way, I canNOT let ANY relationship with a human being replace the relationship I have with my heavenly Father. He loves me enough to provide for my every need, not as I understand those needs, but He does it for my good. AMEN. Thank You, heavenly Father, for blessing after blessing, trial after trial, hardship, cold weather, rainy/yucky weather, bruises, illness, death, pain, and sadness - because it is through all these things, Lord, that we are satisfied and comforted in You. It is through our difficulties that You refresh us and raise us up to be the people You want us to be. Thank you LORD for being the same yesterday, today and forever.
2 CORINTHIANS 4:7-12
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.