(no subject)
Oh man. Things is kwazy right now!
Hmm, that came off weirdly. I sound like I'm upbeat about it, but really I'm not. This summer is not going how I expected whatsoever, which is both good and bad I guess. But right now I'm feeling crappy, not having fun and not really enjoying life too much. Not gonna lie. And really, I don't feel like this too often at all. I'd say the last time I really felt this bad was at C-ville. But unfortunately, I don't have an easy way out in the situation I'm in right now. I can't just pull my grades up, attempt to make new friends, and get on with life. I'm at a point where the ball is on my side of the court and if I want it to move, I'm going to have to be very intentional, responsible and determined. Or else... hmm. I don't even know. Or else I become even more miserable than I am, I guess. I am on the brink of having my parents lose all faith in me, which is not a great time in itself. I need a job DESPERATELY. I have to figure out what's gonna happen w/ school next semester (which is less than a month away now). I have stuff hanging over my head that I know is gonna bite me in the butt pretty soon (med. insurance, car insurance, cell phone bills) because I'm going to have to start supporting myself. I'm not saying that I don't want to support myself... but with no great job prospect on the horizon yet, I have no clue how on earth that stuff is supposed to happen. I'm pretty scared right now.
I looked back at some of my entries from around Christmas time and it freaks me out, because I feel like I've backtracked. That was a time where I was doing 15 hours of school, working at OMAX, and was working my way UPward instead of DOWNward. Right now, look at me... no job (well I'll have an on-campus job, if nothing else), no way to pay for school, wasting time, wasting life... I just feel like a gigantic failure right now. On the way home I was thinking about how all my problems would be solved if I just threw my car off the road and ended everything. Then I realized that that would create lots more problems for my parents, so I decided not to. Well it wasn't a decision... I wouldn't really do it. But it sure would make it easier on ME. Which I guess is a pretty selfish outlook when I think about it.
I know that God can use me, but right now I feel like such a waste of space. College is one of the best times in life, but also one of the worst. I used to think that being in high school was horrible, or maybe jr. high, but college definitely tops them all. You're in this state of limbo where you're contstantly trying to figure out if you measure up to your peers or if you are among the dregs at the bottom of the barrel. It sucks. You're being educated so you can participate in a certain line of work, yet you have to put forth massive effort if you want to actually make it into the field you're studying. Meanwhile, unless you have some people pull strings for you and help you get a foot in the door, you get stuck working crummy jobs, making minimum wage or not much over, while at the same time your parents expect you to start putting in effort to live on your own and be self-sufficient. This is ridiculous, when you look at all the pieces of the puzzle.
I was thinking about it last night and I really hate the kind of society we live in. There are certain aspects that I enjoy, but I could throw it all down the toilet and never deal w/ it again and I would be happy. I think that we skew things to fit how we want to perceive our world instead of just trusting God and letting Him work things out. We pay billions of dollars in insurance every year because we are scaredy cats and think that God will not provide money for us to pay for our medical bills or car problems. We have to have all this fancy schmancy techno-savvy crap to communicate with each other, when we could sit across the room from one another instead of sitting a few miles apart, staring into a screen while we type the words we want to say. It is stupid. I am tired of it. I don't know what I'm going to do within the next couple years or how my life's gonna go, but I'm about ready to drop college and forge out on my own to try to discover what God wants me to do. Cause I sure as heck am not feeling like I need to be sitting in a classroom, learning about poetic techniques, Shakespeare or other stuff that does not matter when compared to God's glory and His magnificent plan.
Sometimes I really wish that I would have lived in a different time period than the one I'm in. Face it, what I'm doing on the computer right now is something that I easily could've done 150 years ago (it would just be on paper instead of on a screen). I could grow my own food and build my own home. I could easily be self-sufficient without suffering through 16 years of schooling that is viewed as "necessary" by society's standards today. I could spend more time doing important things than useless things. Instead of writing a paper on elements associated with Western fiction, I could care for my home and my family, read the Bible, spend time with God, and live a good life. If my health failed, my trust in God would support me. I would have no car to make payments on. Phones wouldn't matter because everyone that I needed to talk to would be relatively close. That would be the life, I think... that would be the life.
But fantasizing and dreaming won't get my out of where I'm stuck today. All I can do is pray that God will lead me where He wants me to go and give me strength when I need it. I have no idea where life is taking me, but if I don't figure it out soon, I'm going to sink to the bottom and be overcome by everything around me. All I want, Lord, is Your leading and guidance. You're all I'm living for. Just show me what to do, where to go... show me how I'm going to make it... how I'm going to pay for all this crap... how I'm supposed to go through life. I desperately need You Lord. Thank You for loving me. Just help me to be patient as You reveal Your will to me, because I feel like I'm on the brink of a meltdown.
Take My Life by Chris Tomlin
Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.
Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.
Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.
Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour at your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee,
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee.
Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.
Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.
Hmm, that came off weirdly. I sound like I'm upbeat about it, but really I'm not. This summer is not going how I expected whatsoever, which is both good and bad I guess. But right now I'm feeling crappy, not having fun and not really enjoying life too much. Not gonna lie. And really, I don't feel like this too often at all. I'd say the last time I really felt this bad was at C-ville. But unfortunately, I don't have an easy way out in the situation I'm in right now. I can't just pull my grades up, attempt to make new friends, and get on with life. I'm at a point where the ball is on my side of the court and if I want it to move, I'm going to have to be very intentional, responsible and determined. Or else... hmm. I don't even know. Or else I become even more miserable than I am, I guess. I am on the brink of having my parents lose all faith in me, which is not a great time in itself. I need a job DESPERATELY. I have to figure out what's gonna happen w/ school next semester (which is less than a month away now). I have stuff hanging over my head that I know is gonna bite me in the butt pretty soon (med. insurance, car insurance, cell phone bills) because I'm going to have to start supporting myself. I'm not saying that I don't want to support myself... but with no great job prospect on the horizon yet, I have no clue how on earth that stuff is supposed to happen. I'm pretty scared right now.
I looked back at some of my entries from around Christmas time and it freaks me out, because I feel like I've backtracked. That was a time where I was doing 15 hours of school, working at OMAX, and was working my way UPward instead of DOWNward. Right now, look at me... no job (well I'll have an on-campus job, if nothing else), no way to pay for school, wasting time, wasting life... I just feel like a gigantic failure right now. On the way home I was thinking about how all my problems would be solved if I just threw my car off the road and ended everything. Then I realized that that would create lots more problems for my parents, so I decided not to. Well it wasn't a decision... I wouldn't really do it. But it sure would make it easier on ME. Which I guess is a pretty selfish outlook when I think about it.
I know that God can use me, but right now I feel like such a waste of space. College is one of the best times in life, but also one of the worst. I used to think that being in high school was horrible, or maybe jr. high, but college definitely tops them all. You're in this state of limbo where you're contstantly trying to figure out if you measure up to your peers or if you are among the dregs at the bottom of the barrel. It sucks. You're being educated so you can participate in a certain line of work, yet you have to put forth massive effort if you want to actually make it into the field you're studying. Meanwhile, unless you have some people pull strings for you and help you get a foot in the door, you get stuck working crummy jobs, making minimum wage or not much over, while at the same time your parents expect you to start putting in effort to live on your own and be self-sufficient. This is ridiculous, when you look at all the pieces of the puzzle.
I was thinking about it last night and I really hate the kind of society we live in. There are certain aspects that I enjoy, but I could throw it all down the toilet and never deal w/ it again and I would be happy. I think that we skew things to fit how we want to perceive our world instead of just trusting God and letting Him work things out. We pay billions of dollars in insurance every year because we are scaredy cats and think that God will not provide money for us to pay for our medical bills or car problems. We have to have all this fancy schmancy techno-savvy crap to communicate with each other, when we could sit across the room from one another instead of sitting a few miles apart, staring into a screen while we type the words we want to say. It is stupid. I am tired of it. I don't know what I'm going to do within the next couple years or how my life's gonna go, but I'm about ready to drop college and forge out on my own to try to discover what God wants me to do. Cause I sure as heck am not feeling like I need to be sitting in a classroom, learning about poetic techniques, Shakespeare or other stuff that does not matter when compared to God's glory and His magnificent plan.
Sometimes I really wish that I would have lived in a different time period than the one I'm in. Face it, what I'm doing on the computer right now is something that I easily could've done 150 years ago (it would just be on paper instead of on a screen). I could grow my own food and build my own home. I could easily be self-sufficient without suffering through 16 years of schooling that is viewed as "necessary" by society's standards today. I could spend more time doing important things than useless things. Instead of writing a paper on elements associated with Western fiction, I could care for my home and my family, read the Bible, spend time with God, and live a good life. If my health failed, my trust in God would support me. I would have no car to make payments on. Phones wouldn't matter because everyone that I needed to talk to would be relatively close. That would be the life, I think... that would be the life.
But fantasizing and dreaming won't get my out of where I'm stuck today. All I can do is pray that God will lead me where He wants me to go and give me strength when I need it. I have no idea where life is taking me, but if I don't figure it out soon, I'm going to sink to the bottom and be overcome by everything around me. All I want, Lord, is Your leading and guidance. You're all I'm living for. Just show me what to do, where to go... show me how I'm going to make it... how I'm going to pay for all this crap... how I'm supposed to go through life. I desperately need You Lord. Thank You for loving me. Just help me to be patient as You reveal Your will to me, because I feel like I'm on the brink of a meltdown.
Take My Life by Chris Tomlin
Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for thee.
Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my king.
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from thee.
Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use every power as you choose.
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for thee.
Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour at your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee,
Take myself and I will be ever, only all for thee.
Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.
Here am I, All of me.
Take my life, It's all for thee.