At Gwanghwamun 1/2
Title: At Gwanghwamun 1/2
Pairing: Kris/Lu Han
Genre: Romance, Angst
Length: Twoshot
Rating: PG-15
Summary: In the middle of the cold and and busy plaza called Gwanghwamun, a man named Yifan stands, waiting patiently for the love he lost.
A/N: Hello everyone! This story is inspired by the song of the same name by Kyuhyun. The moment I heard "At Gwanghwamun" back in November, I fell in love.
The music is absolutely beautiful and the lyrics are deep, especially in the non-translated context.
I just knew that I had to write a story about it and that it would be perfect for my otp.
This story is like my child, and I hope you guys enjoy it and maybe show it some love because it was made out of pure love. Enjoy reading! :)
Four seasons have passed. Yifan looked around from where he was standing, a very familiar spot. The cars beeping with no rhythm, incessantly blasting their impatience and distaste, have lessened after some time. The plaza in front of him was not as crowded as it had been earlier. But these were irrelevant to him. What he saw before him was how Gwanghwamun bids the scorching traces of August farewell and welcomes September and its coldness with a familiar embrace.
The Bermuda grass in front of Gwanghwamun was losing its greenness. The leaves of the trees were turning lighter, faintly tinted with yellow. The colossal bronze statue of the Great King Sejong remained proud and majestic in the middle of the plaza. People walking by were now clad in coats, trying to find warmth in the chilly afternoon. The buildings on the side of the roads beside Gwanghwamun remain the same. Indeed, Gwanghwamun seems to have been untouched by time. Everything seemed to be how it’s supposed to be, but Yifan knew that it hasn’t been the same for a long time. Not without him.
Not without Lu Han.
He was brought out from his reverie by the distracting vibrations of his phone. Zitao was calling him. “Tao, what’s up?”
“Ge, Joonmyeon hyung is calling for a meeting. All the staff have to be here in 30 minutes. Can you make it back in time?” the younger man asked.
“I’ll be there before 3:30, okay? See you later.”
“Alright. Hey, buy me some bbopki on your way back, okay?”
“Sure.”
“Wow, you didn’t even snap at me or call me a spoiled brat. That’s new.” said Tao, his voice over the phone laced with cheekiness.
“Shut up now or I won’t buy you anything at all.” said Yifan, tone cold and threatening.
“Fine, I’m sorry ge.” Yifan didn’t miss the barely audible ‘jeez, I was just kidding.’ from the younger one. “Just get back here before 3:30, okay?”
“Yeah.”
As Yifan hung up, he took one final glance, memories coming back as they always do whenever he’s in Gwanghwamun. He took his time in looking through the plaza and the side of the roads, hoping to find a familiar face. Even though he knows that it’s highly unlikely, he still goes to this same place, waiting for a coincidence of some sorts, praying that they’ll cross paths. It’s always been like this ever since Lu Han left.
Walking towards the bus stop, Yifan wrapped his hand over the other, trying to make it warm. Isn’t it funny how another person’s hand seems warmer than your own whenever you feel cold? Yifan can’t help but faintly smile as he thought of pale fingers twined into his, hands smaller in comparison to his own. Even just the memory of those hands holding his tightly made Yifan feel warmer inside.
***
Yifan has been working as a songwriter and composer for Andromeda Entertainment for five years. Most of the artists were humble and polite, although the occasional divas were still present. His colleagues were fun to be with and even the CEO himself was a very open-minded man. Kim Heechul, as aggressive as he was, had a unique and distinct flare and under his guidance Andromeda Entertainment has become well-acknowledged by the Korean entertainment industry.
The company recently made a decision to release an autumnal album. Among their various singers, they have chosen Cho Kyuhyun for this new project seeing as his voice had the right timbre for ballads.
Yifan walked into the meeting room just in time for Kim Joonmyeon, one of the head music producers, to remind the team of the project and what the company had in mind for it. Taking one of the empty seats, Yifan leaned back as Joonmyeon nodded to his direction in acknowledgment before going on.
“Like what we have told you two weeks ago, the new album will feature songs that give off an autumnal feeling. I want you guys to really delve into your emotions. Dig deep into those stories of love lost, love found.”
Joonmyeon glanced at each person in the meeting room, pleased to see that he had their undivided attention, before resuming his talk.
“Drown yourself in those memories if you have to. Find the inspiration that you need. I want something that makes me feel the breeze and picture fallen leaves without even seeing it. I want to feel every single word pierce right through me.”
Yifan looked at his fingers with such a strong gaze. Maybe, just maybe, he can finally find a way to get Lu Han back.
Yifan was sitting at a booth beside the window of a café, his favorite spot. The street was not littered with busy bodies or cars rushing in and out. Instead, the image of tall trees and clean pavements met his eyes. It was the perfect writing space in his opinion. The view was simple, and the absence of noise made him feel relaxed. Yifan was writing the last lines to one of his songs when he heard someone calling his name.
“Hey Yifan, what brings you here?”
A cheerful voice made him look to the right. It was Minseok, holding what Yifan assumed was his regular choice of caffeine, latte. He waved at Minseok and gestured to the seat in front of him, failing to notice the person behind him until Minseok slid inside the booth and the man stood awkwardly at the end of the small table.
“Lu Han, sit down. Yifan doesn’t bite.” Minseok said, pulling the other one by the arm and forcing him to sit beside him. “Hey Yifan, this is my friend, Lu Han. He’s one of my best buddies from college. He’s a writer and some of his works have been published already. Lu Han, this is Yifan. He’s my friend and colleague. He’s a songwriter slash composer. Who knows, maybe someday he’ll write a song about you.” Minseok said with a cheeky grin.
Lu Han immediately punched Minseok’s arm, the pink stain on his cheeks painfully obvious to the man sitting opposite the two of them. Yifan can’t help but admit that it was undeniably cute. He felt the need to just reach out and run his hands along those cheeks. And those eyes that were widening in embarrassment were too endearing.
“What? You’re both interested in men, don’t worry about it.” Minseok said as he casually sipped from his cup.
Lu Han casted Yifan an anxious look before mustering the courage to fix the little mess his friend made. “I’m so sorry for Minnie here. Don’t take him too seriously. It’s really nice to meet you. My name is Lu Han.”
When Lu Han finally spoke, Yifan decided that perhaps it was possible to fall in love even at first sight. He was never a believer but maybe Lu Han might change his mind. And as Yifan shook Lu Han’s extended hand he can’t help but notice how soft and warm it was.
“It’s nice to meet you too. I’m Yifan.”
It was a mildly sunny afternoon, the faint rays of sunlight softly passing through the glass window and hitting the wooden floor. Yifan sat on his couch, a pen in hand and a notebook on his lap. The moderate temperature of that day made Yifan feel calmer and more serene, his thoughts swimming in a sea of memories and words. Whenever he closed his eyes, a hazy picture sharpens and becomes clearer. The more he closed his eyes, the clearer it became.
He saw his open palm lying upon something soft as lithe fingers drew abstract patterns on it. Not long after, images of a then sandy haired man glaring at him with knitted eyebrows surfaced, the man trying his best to kick Yifan off the bed, duvets messily strewn across the floor.
He remembered chasing the sandy haired man around this very same apartment, trying desperately to grab his phone filled with pictures that Yifan would never want to ever meet the light of day. His mind flashed back to a memory of him trapping the man with newly dyed black hair in his coat when he saw the shiver the man tried so hard to not make obvious.
When Yifan opened his eyes, the faint yellow and orange tinges of the trees across his building caught his attention. His fingers found themselves wrapped around the discarded pen by his side and the words immediately flow through, a piece of his unspoken truth slowly being unraveled.
How was your day? There’s still a bit of summer left
For some reason I had a tiring day
When the leaves on the side of the road of Gwanghwamun changed color
That was when I finally lifted my head
Lu Han often did forget his things now and then, like a little puppy shedding fur all over the apartment, leaving a trail on his path. It used to vex Yifan to unending limits, seeing as how a twenty four year old man could rival a child in making a mess of things. Yifan was no saint when it came to having a messy room but Lu Han surely took the cake for being the slob between the two.
He never thought that the day would come when he would find himself missing all the strewn clothes on the floor, the empty snack wrappers strategically hidden in the crooks of the couch, and the crumbs of whatever it was Lu Han ate sticking onto Yifan’s feet.
“I need to take a nap.” Yifan said out loud even though there was no one else in his apartment but himself.
........Hands dwarfed in comparison next to his danced playfully on his bare chest. To Yifan, nothing made more sense in this world than to hold Lu Han in his arms. Being with Lu Han in their most vulnerable always made Yifan enchanted. The softness of the sheets across their bare skin made him cling on to the smaller man even more, planting his lips on Lu Han’s forehead, inhaling the sweetness of his strawberry scented hair.
Lu Han pushed himself up with one hand, Yifan feeling the weight on his chest. Straddling his legs over Yifan’s hips, Lu Han planted chaste kisses on the man underneath him, leaving his mark on Yifan’s jaw, his neck, his chest, his nose, his forehead, his eyes, and finally, his lips. He sucked on the partly chapped lips, each passing second making him bolder and more passionate. Lu Han’s hot breath on his lips always did blur Yifan’s presence of mind. The touches became desperate, wanting more for their bare skin to be held closer.
Panting from lack of air, Lu Han broke the kiss and rested his head on Yifan’s chest, hearing the rapid beating of his heart that he knew was meant for him and only him. As Yifan brushed the hair matted to Lu Han’s forehead, the smaller man spoke. “You will live forever.”
Yifan raised an eyebrow at the random remark, his hand stroking Lu Han’s hair as he asked why. Lu Han sighed contentedly in his lover’s arms, staring at the darkness of the room. “Have you ever heard of the saying that when a writer falls in love with you, you will never die? But that could only happen if the writer has already written about you, right?” Lu Han propped himself up by the elbows to have a better look at the man underneath him. “Yifan, I will make you live forever.”
The earnest look and sparkle in Lu Han’s eyes made Yifan chuckle, but he does admit that it was undoubtedly romantic. He sat up on the bed, still holding Lu Han in his arms. The latter instinctively wrapped his legs around Yifan as he smiled brightly at him, finding their new position far more intimate than the one before.
“Then you will never die too. I promise you that you will live on forever and that the world will know about how much I, Wu Yifan, love you. They’ll grow jealous of our love but we wouldn’t even give a damn about that because we’re too busy being in love to notice.”
And with that said, Yifan held Lu Han even closer to himself, kissing him slowly, lovingly, intimately, as if he wanted that kiss alone to translate every single word that has yet to be spoken. Actions speak louder than words and for that night Yifan wanted Lu Han to be the audience of his grand speech.
........
Yifan woke up with a jolt, the memory of that night seared into his brain, paying him a little visit when he least expected it. Lu Han felt real in his fingertips just a few seconds ago. He felt the weight trapping him down and the lips that sinfully marked his body, claiming ownership. Lu Han had never felt so closer to him before ever since he left.
Writing this song made Yifan feel Lu Han’s presence more intensely than he ever had for the past several months of being parted from him. Running his hands through his hair, Yifan blinked his eyes repeatedly, trying to rid the sleep off of his eyes.
He needed coffee. Something bittersweet to rid him of the remnants of his dream. Then again, to him Lu Han was like his favorite brew of coffee. He left a bittersweet taste in his mouth that he can’t help but drink more of.
Listening intently to the ringing of his phone, Yifan waited patiently for Minseok to answer his call. It was just a wee past noon so Minseok was probably still with Yixing in the board room. Maybe he could ask them to get him some coffee.
Finally after the seventh ring, Minseok answered. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey Minseok, are you with Yixing right now?”
“Yeah. Do you need to talk to him?”
“No, I was just wondering if you guys can come over here and grab some coffee on your way.”
“Wu Yifan you lazy little shit, you go get yourself that coffee of yours and bring your ass here. We sure as hell won’t go to your place. You haven’t even left that cave of yours for two days.”
“It’s something I call artistic isolation Minseok, something you clearly know nothing about.”
“Artistic isolation my ass. Knowing you you’re probably in the brink of overthinking, coupled with your innate laziness. Get your butt back here in the building.”
“Fine.”
“Get me and Xing some coffee too on your way. Bye.”
Yifan glared at his phone when Minseok hung up on him. He always questioned how people found Minseok as the good-natured and innocent one in their group. Clearly they have never met the real Kim Minseok.
But Yifan has stayed long enough in his apartment and has concluded that perhaps his friend was right. After bathing and changing his clothes, Yifan took a cab and dropped off at the café near the company.
Yifan had his earphones on, waiting patiently for his turn in line. He decided to read the menu on the wall to kill time when a familiar scent wafted past him. His eyes widened in shock, the unmistakable scent of Americano with cinnamon and vanilla rose above the rest of the blends. Not a lot of people from this area order that specific blend. Only Lu Han as far as Yifan knew. He took his earphones out, spinning around in place, earning irritated looks from the other people in line. When he looked to the right, he saw that the person drinking that concoction was just a middle aged woman and not the person he expected. It’s just one of those days again, Yifan thought.
“Sir, can I get your order?” The voice from behind the counter and the irritated murmurs of the people behind him made Yifan realize that he had been spacing out again. After picking up his order Yifan turned and walked out sheepishly off to the company building, trying to avoid the gazes of the other people.
He found Yixing and Minseok in one of the empty studios, chattering animatedly over something Yifan failed to catch. Strutting over to the other two, Yifan stretched out his arm and grunted, finally getting their attention.
“Hey, you’re finally here.” said Yixing, patting him on the back. Both muttered thanks as Yixing took the cups from Yifan and checked for the marking before giving Minseok his latte.
“Hey Yifan, we were just talking about that new kid Kyungsoo. We just saw him earlier this morning head locking Chanyeol.” said Yixing, laughing hard at the memory of it. Minseok snorted and laughed just as hard, crouching on the chair, cheeks going pink out of laughter.
“You should have seen them, it was hilarious! The kid is like a head shorter than that tall ass dude but Chanyeol was almost crying begging him to stop!” Minseok added after catching his breath, making Yixing sputter out the coffee he was drinking. Both laugh even harder, kneeling on the floor and clutching their stomachs.
On normal days Yifan would find himself laughing along with the other two, hitting them on the arm, trying to catch his breath. But he was still caught up in his own thoughts, the laughter of the other two falling on deaf ears. He leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes, remembering that aroma that he hasn’t been able to smell for a long time. It was like Lu Han was just there in that café, the one that they would often go to whenever he paid Yifan a visit at work. Yifan can’t help but think about how he could have spent all this time trying to forget the man and yet chose not to. He has thought about it on more than one occasion. Bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day traces of Lu Han were making its way back into his life. Yifan can’t help but sigh contentedly.
I don’t know if living in this world
Is just about looking for another person
As I came to this street, filled with the aroma of coffee
That was when I finally smiled
“Why is he suddenly writing out of nowhere? Is he writing down what we’re saying?” Yixing asked Minseok, voice in a low whisper as he eyed Yifan from the side. Minseok looked at Yifan for a few seconds curiously. When he realized what the other was doing his eyes widened, head nodding slightly.
“No, he’s not writing about us.” said Minseok, shaking his head, a knowing smile plastered on his lips as he looked at Yixing, trying to see if he understood what he meant.
Yixing looked puzzled and glanced at Yifan again. He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head back, lips formed into an O, when he finally understood what Minseok meant. The two went back to their chatter, smiles still noticeable, letting the other man live in his own world.
“I love how Gwanghwamun looks during autumn. The way the leaves change color is my favorite. They have all these different shades of orange, brown, yellow and anything in between. It’s very pretty.”
A pair of doe eyes broke into crescents with fine lines at the edges. Yifan saw the serene smile on Lu Han’s lips and he knew how in love Lu Han must have been with this place. With that smile alone Yifan knew how in love he was with Lu Han.
“Is that why you always drag me here at every possible moment as soon as autumn hits Seoul?”
The fervent nods and sudden laughter from the man beside him broke Yifan’s resolve as he swayed his hand and scooped the smaller hand into his, intertwining their fingers and closing it in tightly.
Minseok accidentally found him in one of the empty studios, playing an unfamiliar melody. He silently slipped inside the room, Yifan’s back facing him, still clueless of the other’s presence. Minseok leaned against the wall, looking at his friend playing the piano, the notes melancholic, soft, and beautiful. Yifan always had that kind of magic in him. Even the music alone somehow managed to squeeze Minseok’s chest. Yifan’s soft humming formed into words.
We used to shine so bright together
But now we are strangers
In your arms the world was mine
Goodbye to those childish days
He stopped, fingers still pressed on the keys. Heaving a sigh, he turned around when he realized Minseok was inside the studio and talking to him. “Still not done with that part, I see.”
Yifan turned to him and smiled. “Yeah, I already have some verses done but I still have to arrange them though. I don’t want to force this one. I just want to let all the words come to me in their own time.”
Minseok nodded in understanding. “I really like the music. Really, I do. I don’t know if you intend to use those lines for the chorus though but I don’t think you should. It feels like you need something else to emphasize on.”
Yifan’s gaze fell on the floor, deep in thought. Tilting his head towards Minseok, he smiled. “Thank you. I think you’re right, there’s something else that I really want to get through.”
Minseok chuckled and grabbed the nearest chair, dragging it towards Yifan and sat next to him. “You know, you’ve changed.” Yifan’s face contorted into a defensive expression. With a finger, Minseok rubbed his knitted brows. “I meant that in a good way. Back then you would have automatically shut down my idea and say that you have your own style or that you know what you’re doing. Recently you just seem more… open minded? You try to think about things more, even if they contradict your own ideas.”
Yifan tried to grasp what Minseok just said. He never actually noticed that about himself. It was true that Yifan was a very opinionated person. It always felt off for him whenever the things he had in mind don’t work out the way he wanted them to. At times he just let people’s words enter one ear and out the other. But recently he has somehow managed to change that, even if it’s not drastic. It was not a conscious act. It just happened on its own accord. Tapping a few keys, he turned to Minseok and said thanks.
“Why didn’t you tell me you’re going to Beijing? I’ve been calling you so many times I’ve already lost count. Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Yifan, I have my own life, why do you keep acting like we’re just one person? Is it necessary for you to know every single thing that I do? Do I have to tell you when I have to freaking go to the bathroom too? Can’t I even have some time for myself?”
The silence was cutting them slowly like a blunt blade, more painful and excruciating than the fast cut of a sharp one. Yifan’s brows knitted together, his jaw clenched out of anger. “What the fuck are you on about Han? Since when has me worrying about you been wrong? Since when has it been a sin for me to want to know how my other half is doing?”
Lu Han balled his hands into tight fists, knuckles slowly whitening, nails digging deep into his palms. His words were calm yet Yifan knew it was seething with rage. “Do you know how possessive and obsessive you have become? It’s driving me insane! I have my own life to live and you make me feel like I’m trapped in some cage! I AM NOT YOUR PROPERTY!”
Yifan remained unaffected, keeping his domineering countenance. “Where is this all coming from? What’s the real problem here?”
“The problem is you can’t even hear what I’m saying because you’re too stuck in your own head! The only answer you can hear is the one you want! You always think you’re right but you’re not! Nobody’s perfect in this world Yifan, not even you so just shut the fuck up.” Luhan snapped at him, every bitter word leaving his lips like something venomous that stung Yifan.
They have gone through fights before, it’s normal for every relationship. People always say that a relationship with no arguments is not an honest one. One is bound to be living in lies. But at that moment Yifan felt a heavy feeling in his stomach, like lead was being slowly poured down. Never has he seen Lu Han seething with rage. Despite his own anger simmering inside, his self-control kicked in just the right time. He knew he must have done something extreme for Lu Han to act out like that.
With cautious steps, Yifan inched himself closer to Lu Han who backed away instantly, darkening eyes never leaving him. “Han, I’m sorry.”
Lu Han flinched away the moment Yifan’s hand made contact with his shoulder. “Just, don’t touch me… leave me alone… go back to the room… just leave me alone…” Lu Han sounded exhausted.
Yifan immediately nodded and headed to their room. Whenever they had fights or petty arguments, after all the screaming and occasional hits from either one, Lu Han would just ask for alone time. Yifan knocked his head on the wall, cursing himself for forgetting how important being free was to Lu Han. He doesn’t want to be locked up. He’s a writer whose heart and soul wishes to spring free even from the constraints of his ribs.
But was he to blame for just wanting to know how Lu Han was? Lu Han would sometimes leave without notice but he always came back home in the end. Whenever Yifan asks him where he went Lu Han would just glare at him. Yifan knows that Lu Han does it on purpose sometimes, just to spite him. No matter how stubborn Yifan is, nobody can ever be as stubborn as Lu Han.
Back resting on the closed door, Yifan let his eyes droop down and shut, trying to listen to the movements made from the other side. He was still furious and he needed to calm himself too. Thinking that tomorrow morning both of them will finally have cool heads and be ready to make peace, Yifan grabbed his earphones and went to bed, allowing himself to be lulled to sleep by familiar notes that always manage to soothe his troubled self.
When Yifan woke up the next day his immediate thought was to go back to the living room and lock Lu Han in an embrace, apologies waiting to be said. But the world seemed to have other plans for him. He was expecting to see Lu Han sleeping on the couch but he wasn’t there. Trying not to panic, Yifan searched the entire apartment for Lu Han but all in vain. He tried to convince himself that perhaps Lu Han just went out to buy something but when he noticed that only his shoes were in the shoe rack panic and paranoia flooded in instantly.
Yifan ran to their room, opening the wardrobes and drawers, forcing himself not to believe that his greatest fear might be coming true. He felt relieved to see that some of Lu Han’s clothes were still there, although it was very minimal in quantity. It didn’t matter, it still made Yifan feel assured. Perhaps Lu Han already left for Beijing. Normally Yifan would be glued to his phone already, leaving angry voice messages about Lu Han leaving without even telling him. But what happened last night was still fresh and Yifan knew he had to give Lu Han his space.
Two weeks passed, Yifan still hasn’t received any word from Lu Han. Feeling slightly betrayed, he immediately called Lu Han’s friends from China and asked them if the bastard was with them. Yifan didn’t want to believe it at first, thinking that his friends might have just been in cahoots with Lu Han, but every single one of them were genuinely confused and didn’t even know that Lu Han was planning on going to Beijing. Yifan tried to contact Lu Han’s parents, who still thought that he was just a friend. By the sound of worry from both of Lu Han’s parents, Yifan realized that all of them were telling the truth.
He called Minseok not long after, hoping that he knew where Lu Han was. He got the same reply. No one knew where Lu Han was.
Pairing: Kris/Lu Han
Genre: Romance, Angst
Length: Twoshot
Rating: PG-15
Summary: In the middle of the cold and and busy plaza called Gwanghwamun, a man named Yifan stands, waiting patiently for the love he lost.
A/N: Hello everyone! This story is inspired by the song of the same name by Kyuhyun. The moment I heard "At Gwanghwamun" back in November, I fell in love.
The music is absolutely beautiful and the lyrics are deep, especially in the non-translated context.
I just knew that I had to write a story about it and that it would be perfect for my otp.
This story is like my child, and I hope you guys enjoy it and maybe show it some love because it was made out of pure love. Enjoy reading! :)
Four seasons have passed. Yifan looked around from where he was standing, a very familiar spot. The cars beeping with no rhythm, incessantly blasting their impatience and distaste, have lessened after some time. The plaza in front of him was not as crowded as it had been earlier. But these were irrelevant to him. What he saw before him was how Gwanghwamun bids the scorching traces of August farewell and welcomes September and its coldness with a familiar embrace.
The Bermuda grass in front of Gwanghwamun was losing its greenness. The leaves of the trees were turning lighter, faintly tinted with yellow. The colossal bronze statue of the Great King Sejong remained proud and majestic in the middle of the plaza. People walking by were now clad in coats, trying to find warmth in the chilly afternoon. The buildings on the side of the roads beside Gwanghwamun remain the same. Indeed, Gwanghwamun seems to have been untouched by time. Everything seemed to be how it’s supposed to be, but Yifan knew that it hasn’t been the same for a long time. Not without him.
Not without Lu Han.
He was brought out from his reverie by the distracting vibrations of his phone. Zitao was calling him. “Tao, what’s up?”
“Ge, Joonmyeon hyung is calling for a meeting. All the staff have to be here in 30 minutes. Can you make it back in time?” the younger man asked.
“I’ll be there before 3:30, okay? See you later.”
“Alright. Hey, buy me some bbopki on your way back, okay?”
“Sure.”
“Wow, you didn’t even snap at me or call me a spoiled brat. That’s new.” said Tao, his voice over the phone laced with cheekiness.
“Shut up now or I won’t buy you anything at all.” said Yifan, tone cold and threatening.
“Fine, I’m sorry ge.” Yifan didn’t miss the barely audible ‘jeez, I was just kidding.’ from the younger one. “Just get back here before 3:30, okay?”
“Yeah.”
As Yifan hung up, he took one final glance, memories coming back as they always do whenever he’s in Gwanghwamun. He took his time in looking through the plaza and the side of the roads, hoping to find a familiar face. Even though he knows that it’s highly unlikely, he still goes to this same place, waiting for a coincidence of some sorts, praying that they’ll cross paths. It’s always been like this ever since Lu Han left.
Walking towards the bus stop, Yifan wrapped his hand over the other, trying to make it warm. Isn’t it funny how another person’s hand seems warmer than your own whenever you feel cold? Yifan can’t help but faintly smile as he thought of pale fingers twined into his, hands smaller in comparison to his own. Even just the memory of those hands holding his tightly made Yifan feel warmer inside.
***
Yifan has been working as a songwriter and composer for Andromeda Entertainment for five years. Most of the artists were humble and polite, although the occasional divas were still present. His colleagues were fun to be with and even the CEO himself was a very open-minded man. Kim Heechul, as aggressive as he was, had a unique and distinct flare and under his guidance Andromeda Entertainment has become well-acknowledged by the Korean entertainment industry.
The company recently made a decision to release an autumnal album. Among their various singers, they have chosen Cho Kyuhyun for this new project seeing as his voice had the right timbre for ballads.
Yifan walked into the meeting room just in time for Kim Joonmyeon, one of the head music producers, to remind the team of the project and what the company had in mind for it. Taking one of the empty seats, Yifan leaned back as Joonmyeon nodded to his direction in acknowledgment before going on.
“Like what we have told you two weeks ago, the new album will feature songs that give off an autumnal feeling. I want you guys to really delve into your emotions. Dig deep into those stories of love lost, love found.”
Joonmyeon glanced at each person in the meeting room, pleased to see that he had their undivided attention, before resuming his talk.
“Drown yourself in those memories if you have to. Find the inspiration that you need. I want something that makes me feel the breeze and picture fallen leaves without even seeing it. I want to feel every single word pierce right through me.”
Yifan looked at his fingers with such a strong gaze. Maybe, just maybe, he can finally find a way to get Lu Han back.
Yifan was sitting at a booth beside the window of a café, his favorite spot. The street was not littered with busy bodies or cars rushing in and out. Instead, the image of tall trees and clean pavements met his eyes. It was the perfect writing space in his opinion. The view was simple, and the absence of noise made him feel relaxed. Yifan was writing the last lines to one of his songs when he heard someone calling his name.
“Hey Yifan, what brings you here?”
A cheerful voice made him look to the right. It was Minseok, holding what Yifan assumed was his regular choice of caffeine, latte. He waved at Minseok and gestured to the seat in front of him, failing to notice the person behind him until Minseok slid inside the booth and the man stood awkwardly at the end of the small table.
“Lu Han, sit down. Yifan doesn’t bite.” Minseok said, pulling the other one by the arm and forcing him to sit beside him. “Hey Yifan, this is my friend, Lu Han. He’s one of my best buddies from college. He’s a writer and some of his works have been published already. Lu Han, this is Yifan. He’s my friend and colleague. He’s a songwriter slash composer. Who knows, maybe someday he’ll write a song about you.” Minseok said with a cheeky grin.
Lu Han immediately punched Minseok’s arm, the pink stain on his cheeks painfully obvious to the man sitting opposite the two of them. Yifan can’t help but admit that it was undeniably cute. He felt the need to just reach out and run his hands along those cheeks. And those eyes that were widening in embarrassment were too endearing.
“What? You’re both interested in men, don’t worry about it.” Minseok said as he casually sipped from his cup.
Lu Han casted Yifan an anxious look before mustering the courage to fix the little mess his friend made. “I’m so sorry for Minnie here. Don’t take him too seriously. It’s really nice to meet you. My name is Lu Han.”
When Lu Han finally spoke, Yifan decided that perhaps it was possible to fall in love even at first sight. He was never a believer but maybe Lu Han might change his mind. And as Yifan shook Lu Han’s extended hand he can’t help but notice how soft and warm it was.
“It’s nice to meet you too. I’m Yifan.”
It was a mildly sunny afternoon, the faint rays of sunlight softly passing through the glass window and hitting the wooden floor. Yifan sat on his couch, a pen in hand and a notebook on his lap. The moderate temperature of that day made Yifan feel calmer and more serene, his thoughts swimming in a sea of memories and words. Whenever he closed his eyes, a hazy picture sharpens and becomes clearer. The more he closed his eyes, the clearer it became.
He saw his open palm lying upon something soft as lithe fingers drew abstract patterns on it. Not long after, images of a then sandy haired man glaring at him with knitted eyebrows surfaced, the man trying his best to kick Yifan off the bed, duvets messily strewn across the floor.
He remembered chasing the sandy haired man around this very same apartment, trying desperately to grab his phone filled with pictures that Yifan would never want to ever meet the light of day. His mind flashed back to a memory of him trapping the man with newly dyed black hair in his coat when he saw the shiver the man tried so hard to not make obvious.
When Yifan opened his eyes, the faint yellow and orange tinges of the trees across his building caught his attention. His fingers found themselves wrapped around the discarded pen by his side and the words immediately flow through, a piece of his unspoken truth slowly being unraveled.
How was your day? There’s still a bit of summer left
For some reason I had a tiring day
When the leaves on the side of the road of Gwanghwamun changed color
That was when I finally lifted my head
Lu Han often did forget his things now and then, like a little puppy shedding fur all over the apartment, leaving a trail on his path. It used to vex Yifan to unending limits, seeing as how a twenty four year old man could rival a child in making a mess of things. Yifan was no saint when it came to having a messy room but Lu Han surely took the cake for being the slob between the two.
He never thought that the day would come when he would find himself missing all the strewn clothes on the floor, the empty snack wrappers strategically hidden in the crooks of the couch, and the crumbs of whatever it was Lu Han ate sticking onto Yifan’s feet.
“I need to take a nap.” Yifan said out loud even though there was no one else in his apartment but himself.
........Hands dwarfed in comparison next to his danced playfully on his bare chest. To Yifan, nothing made more sense in this world than to hold Lu Han in his arms. Being with Lu Han in their most vulnerable always made Yifan enchanted. The softness of the sheets across their bare skin made him cling on to the smaller man even more, planting his lips on Lu Han’s forehead, inhaling the sweetness of his strawberry scented hair.
Lu Han pushed himself up with one hand, Yifan feeling the weight on his chest. Straddling his legs over Yifan’s hips, Lu Han planted chaste kisses on the man underneath him, leaving his mark on Yifan’s jaw, his neck, his chest, his nose, his forehead, his eyes, and finally, his lips. He sucked on the partly chapped lips, each passing second making him bolder and more passionate. Lu Han’s hot breath on his lips always did blur Yifan’s presence of mind. The touches became desperate, wanting more for their bare skin to be held closer.
Panting from lack of air, Lu Han broke the kiss and rested his head on Yifan’s chest, hearing the rapid beating of his heart that he knew was meant for him and only him. As Yifan brushed the hair matted to Lu Han’s forehead, the smaller man spoke. “You will live forever.”
Yifan raised an eyebrow at the random remark, his hand stroking Lu Han’s hair as he asked why. Lu Han sighed contentedly in his lover’s arms, staring at the darkness of the room. “Have you ever heard of the saying that when a writer falls in love with you, you will never die? But that could only happen if the writer has already written about you, right?” Lu Han propped himself up by the elbows to have a better look at the man underneath him. “Yifan, I will make you live forever.”
The earnest look and sparkle in Lu Han’s eyes made Yifan chuckle, but he does admit that it was undoubtedly romantic. He sat up on the bed, still holding Lu Han in his arms. The latter instinctively wrapped his legs around Yifan as he smiled brightly at him, finding their new position far more intimate than the one before.
“Then you will never die too. I promise you that you will live on forever and that the world will know about how much I, Wu Yifan, love you. They’ll grow jealous of our love but we wouldn’t even give a damn about that because we’re too busy being in love to notice.”
And with that said, Yifan held Lu Han even closer to himself, kissing him slowly, lovingly, intimately, as if he wanted that kiss alone to translate every single word that has yet to be spoken. Actions speak louder than words and for that night Yifan wanted Lu Han to be the audience of his grand speech.
........
Yifan woke up with a jolt, the memory of that night seared into his brain, paying him a little visit when he least expected it. Lu Han felt real in his fingertips just a few seconds ago. He felt the weight trapping him down and the lips that sinfully marked his body, claiming ownership. Lu Han had never felt so closer to him before ever since he left.
Writing this song made Yifan feel Lu Han’s presence more intensely than he ever had for the past several months of being parted from him. Running his hands through his hair, Yifan blinked his eyes repeatedly, trying to rid the sleep off of his eyes.
He needed coffee. Something bittersweet to rid him of the remnants of his dream. Then again, to him Lu Han was like his favorite brew of coffee. He left a bittersweet taste in his mouth that he can’t help but drink more of.
Listening intently to the ringing of his phone, Yifan waited patiently for Minseok to answer his call. It was just a wee past noon so Minseok was probably still with Yixing in the board room. Maybe he could ask them to get him some coffee.
Finally after the seventh ring, Minseok answered. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey Minseok, are you with Yixing right now?”
“Yeah. Do you need to talk to him?”
“No, I was just wondering if you guys can come over here and grab some coffee on your way.”
“Wu Yifan you lazy little shit, you go get yourself that coffee of yours and bring your ass here. We sure as hell won’t go to your place. You haven’t even left that cave of yours for two days.”
“It’s something I call artistic isolation Minseok, something you clearly know nothing about.”
“Artistic isolation my ass. Knowing you you’re probably in the brink of overthinking, coupled with your innate laziness. Get your butt back here in the building.”
“Fine.”
“Get me and Xing some coffee too on your way. Bye.”
Yifan glared at his phone when Minseok hung up on him. He always questioned how people found Minseok as the good-natured and innocent one in their group. Clearly they have never met the real Kim Minseok.
But Yifan has stayed long enough in his apartment and has concluded that perhaps his friend was right. After bathing and changing his clothes, Yifan took a cab and dropped off at the café near the company.
Yifan had his earphones on, waiting patiently for his turn in line. He decided to read the menu on the wall to kill time when a familiar scent wafted past him. His eyes widened in shock, the unmistakable scent of Americano with cinnamon and vanilla rose above the rest of the blends. Not a lot of people from this area order that specific blend. Only Lu Han as far as Yifan knew. He took his earphones out, spinning around in place, earning irritated looks from the other people in line. When he looked to the right, he saw that the person drinking that concoction was just a middle aged woman and not the person he expected. It’s just one of those days again, Yifan thought.
“Sir, can I get your order?” The voice from behind the counter and the irritated murmurs of the people behind him made Yifan realize that he had been spacing out again. After picking up his order Yifan turned and walked out sheepishly off to the company building, trying to avoid the gazes of the other people.
He found Yixing and Minseok in one of the empty studios, chattering animatedly over something Yifan failed to catch. Strutting over to the other two, Yifan stretched out his arm and grunted, finally getting their attention.
“Hey, you’re finally here.” said Yixing, patting him on the back. Both muttered thanks as Yixing took the cups from Yifan and checked for the marking before giving Minseok his latte.
“Hey Yifan, we were just talking about that new kid Kyungsoo. We just saw him earlier this morning head locking Chanyeol.” said Yixing, laughing hard at the memory of it. Minseok snorted and laughed just as hard, crouching on the chair, cheeks going pink out of laughter.
“You should have seen them, it was hilarious! The kid is like a head shorter than that tall ass dude but Chanyeol was almost crying begging him to stop!” Minseok added after catching his breath, making Yixing sputter out the coffee he was drinking. Both laugh even harder, kneeling on the floor and clutching their stomachs.
On normal days Yifan would find himself laughing along with the other two, hitting them on the arm, trying to catch his breath. But he was still caught up in his own thoughts, the laughter of the other two falling on deaf ears. He leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes, remembering that aroma that he hasn’t been able to smell for a long time. It was like Lu Han was just there in that café, the one that they would often go to whenever he paid Yifan a visit at work. Yifan can’t help but think about how he could have spent all this time trying to forget the man and yet chose not to. He has thought about it on more than one occasion. Bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day traces of Lu Han were making its way back into his life. Yifan can’t help but sigh contentedly.
I don’t know if living in this world
Is just about looking for another person
As I came to this street, filled with the aroma of coffee
That was when I finally smiled
“Why is he suddenly writing out of nowhere? Is he writing down what we’re saying?” Yixing asked Minseok, voice in a low whisper as he eyed Yifan from the side. Minseok looked at Yifan for a few seconds curiously. When he realized what the other was doing his eyes widened, head nodding slightly.
“No, he’s not writing about us.” said Minseok, shaking his head, a knowing smile plastered on his lips as he looked at Yixing, trying to see if he understood what he meant.
Yixing looked puzzled and glanced at Yifan again. He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head back, lips formed into an O, when he finally understood what Minseok meant. The two went back to their chatter, smiles still noticeable, letting the other man live in his own world.
“I love how Gwanghwamun looks during autumn. The way the leaves change color is my favorite. They have all these different shades of orange, brown, yellow and anything in between. It’s very pretty.”
A pair of doe eyes broke into crescents with fine lines at the edges. Yifan saw the serene smile on Lu Han’s lips and he knew how in love Lu Han must have been with this place. With that smile alone Yifan knew how in love he was with Lu Han.
“Is that why you always drag me here at every possible moment as soon as autumn hits Seoul?”
The fervent nods and sudden laughter from the man beside him broke Yifan’s resolve as he swayed his hand and scooped the smaller hand into his, intertwining their fingers and closing it in tightly.
Minseok accidentally found him in one of the empty studios, playing an unfamiliar melody. He silently slipped inside the room, Yifan’s back facing him, still clueless of the other’s presence. Minseok leaned against the wall, looking at his friend playing the piano, the notes melancholic, soft, and beautiful. Yifan always had that kind of magic in him. Even the music alone somehow managed to squeeze Minseok’s chest. Yifan’s soft humming formed into words.
We used to shine so bright together
But now we are strangers
In your arms the world was mine
Goodbye to those childish days
He stopped, fingers still pressed on the keys. Heaving a sigh, he turned around when he realized Minseok was inside the studio and talking to him. “Still not done with that part, I see.”
Yifan turned to him and smiled. “Yeah, I already have some verses done but I still have to arrange them though. I don’t want to force this one. I just want to let all the words come to me in their own time.”
Minseok nodded in understanding. “I really like the music. Really, I do. I don’t know if you intend to use those lines for the chorus though but I don’t think you should. It feels like you need something else to emphasize on.”
Yifan’s gaze fell on the floor, deep in thought. Tilting his head towards Minseok, he smiled. “Thank you. I think you’re right, there’s something else that I really want to get through.”
Minseok chuckled and grabbed the nearest chair, dragging it towards Yifan and sat next to him. “You know, you’ve changed.” Yifan’s face contorted into a defensive expression. With a finger, Minseok rubbed his knitted brows. “I meant that in a good way. Back then you would have automatically shut down my idea and say that you have your own style or that you know what you’re doing. Recently you just seem more… open minded? You try to think about things more, even if they contradict your own ideas.”
Yifan tried to grasp what Minseok just said. He never actually noticed that about himself. It was true that Yifan was a very opinionated person. It always felt off for him whenever the things he had in mind don’t work out the way he wanted them to. At times he just let people’s words enter one ear and out the other. But recently he has somehow managed to change that, even if it’s not drastic. It was not a conscious act. It just happened on its own accord. Tapping a few keys, he turned to Minseok and said thanks.
“Why didn’t you tell me you’re going to Beijing? I’ve been calling you so many times I’ve already lost count. Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Yifan, I have my own life, why do you keep acting like we’re just one person? Is it necessary for you to know every single thing that I do? Do I have to tell you when I have to freaking go to the bathroom too? Can’t I even have some time for myself?”
The silence was cutting them slowly like a blunt blade, more painful and excruciating than the fast cut of a sharp one. Yifan’s brows knitted together, his jaw clenched out of anger. “What the fuck are you on about Han? Since when has me worrying about you been wrong? Since when has it been a sin for me to want to know how my other half is doing?”
Lu Han balled his hands into tight fists, knuckles slowly whitening, nails digging deep into his palms. His words were calm yet Yifan knew it was seething with rage. “Do you know how possessive and obsessive you have become? It’s driving me insane! I have my own life to live and you make me feel like I’m trapped in some cage! I AM NOT YOUR PROPERTY!”
Yifan remained unaffected, keeping his domineering countenance. “Where is this all coming from? What’s the real problem here?”
“The problem is you can’t even hear what I’m saying because you’re too stuck in your own head! The only answer you can hear is the one you want! You always think you’re right but you’re not! Nobody’s perfect in this world Yifan, not even you so just shut the fuck up.” Luhan snapped at him, every bitter word leaving his lips like something venomous that stung Yifan.
They have gone through fights before, it’s normal for every relationship. People always say that a relationship with no arguments is not an honest one. One is bound to be living in lies. But at that moment Yifan felt a heavy feeling in his stomach, like lead was being slowly poured down. Never has he seen Lu Han seething with rage. Despite his own anger simmering inside, his self-control kicked in just the right time. He knew he must have done something extreme for Lu Han to act out like that.
With cautious steps, Yifan inched himself closer to Lu Han who backed away instantly, darkening eyes never leaving him. “Han, I’m sorry.”
Lu Han flinched away the moment Yifan’s hand made contact with his shoulder. “Just, don’t touch me… leave me alone… go back to the room… just leave me alone…” Lu Han sounded exhausted.
Yifan immediately nodded and headed to their room. Whenever they had fights or petty arguments, after all the screaming and occasional hits from either one, Lu Han would just ask for alone time. Yifan knocked his head on the wall, cursing himself for forgetting how important being free was to Lu Han. He doesn’t want to be locked up. He’s a writer whose heart and soul wishes to spring free even from the constraints of his ribs.
But was he to blame for just wanting to know how Lu Han was? Lu Han would sometimes leave without notice but he always came back home in the end. Whenever Yifan asks him where he went Lu Han would just glare at him. Yifan knows that Lu Han does it on purpose sometimes, just to spite him. No matter how stubborn Yifan is, nobody can ever be as stubborn as Lu Han.
Back resting on the closed door, Yifan let his eyes droop down and shut, trying to listen to the movements made from the other side. He was still furious and he needed to calm himself too. Thinking that tomorrow morning both of them will finally have cool heads and be ready to make peace, Yifan grabbed his earphones and went to bed, allowing himself to be lulled to sleep by familiar notes that always manage to soothe his troubled self.
When Yifan woke up the next day his immediate thought was to go back to the living room and lock Lu Han in an embrace, apologies waiting to be said. But the world seemed to have other plans for him. He was expecting to see Lu Han sleeping on the couch but he wasn’t there. Trying not to panic, Yifan searched the entire apartment for Lu Han but all in vain. He tried to convince himself that perhaps Lu Han just went out to buy something but when he noticed that only his shoes were in the shoe rack panic and paranoia flooded in instantly.
Yifan ran to their room, opening the wardrobes and drawers, forcing himself not to believe that his greatest fear might be coming true. He felt relieved to see that some of Lu Han’s clothes were still there, although it was very minimal in quantity. It didn’t matter, it still made Yifan feel assured. Perhaps Lu Han already left for Beijing. Normally Yifan would be glued to his phone already, leaving angry voice messages about Lu Han leaving without even telling him. But what happened last night was still fresh and Yifan knew he had to give Lu Han his space.
Two weeks passed, Yifan still hasn’t received any word from Lu Han. Feeling slightly betrayed, he immediately called Lu Han’s friends from China and asked them if the bastard was with them. Yifan didn’t want to believe it at first, thinking that his friends might have just been in cahoots with Lu Han, but every single one of them were genuinely confused and didn’t even know that Lu Han was planning on going to Beijing. Yifan tried to contact Lu Han’s parents, who still thought that he was just a friend. By the sound of worry from both of Lu Han’s parents, Yifan realized that all of them were telling the truth.
He called Minseok not long after, hoping that he knew where Lu Han was. He got the same reply. No one knew where Lu Han was.