Jan 02, 2005 23:38
new years eve kinda sucked. i mean, it was fun while it lasted and all, but after it was all over and i was home in my own bed, i had to think about everything i did wrong that night. so much shit happened that i am really truly sorry for. i hurt the one person i love to the extreme and i hate myself for it. i feel like a complete idiot. we had broken up and all...just to have time apart...but then when i went out w/ MY friends...i wound up making out w/ another one of my ex's (stevo) and kissing the two other guys i was with--just pecks though. AH! how could i do that?! i've known all along that i still had feelings for steven...but i lied to braden about that i think--he says i did anyway. i think i may have told him that i didn't like him "like that" anymore or something. i'm not sure. but nothing is going to happen between me and steven. he's not over his ex-girlfriend yet, and he's getting his life messed up and i don't want him to bring me down w/ him. braden on the other hand--he's great. everything i could ever ask for and then some. he's done some stupid stuff, but we all have and i could have a great life w/ him. i want to be w/ him. i love him. i always have. but i screwed it up. and now i have to reep what i have sown. my dad used to always say "you reep what you sow" and i always told him to shut up b/c i hated to hear that. it's from the bible and it just always sounded like he was preaching to me...but it's so true. i made a lot of mistakes and now i have to handle the reprocussions. ::sigh:: i just wish braden would talk to me. i sorta talked to him around 6 this evening...and he said he would call me back, but he never did. i told him i wanted to talk to him before i went to bed...but it's 11:45 now and i still haven't heard from him. i've left him voice mails and messages on AIM...but nothing. when i talked to him i asked if i should even try to redeem myself...and he said yes and he promised he would call tonight...but he hasn't. i fell asleep in my room earlier and then when i woke up...the song "amazed" by lonestar was on. PERFECT TIMING! cept, NOT! that was like our song pretty much. when we get married...or if we do...we had always agreed it would be played at the after thing (can't think of what it's called right now, lol). i did everything that i did b/c i was stupid and immature. i was afraid of the relationship i could have w/ braden again. i was afraid of the commitment. i'm sorry that it took what it did for me to realize that i am ready for it. i think i screwed everything up...again. there's a little more to the story, but i'm tired and i want to go back to my room.
i'm sorry everyone...just needed to vent i guess. i prolly won't be updating very much anymore, so if anyone wants to talk to me...then call me.