(no subject)
I dogsat for pierre last night. He might be the easiest pet I have ever dogsat for. It's like watching a rock. I think that is why I like it so much.
School started back up this week. I was just getting used to all the extra free time I had, too. The class doesn't seem so bad. I just wish that I knew someone in it so I had someone to talk to. We have to work on our cat disections on Tuesday and I dont have a disection group yet because I dont know anyone. I may worry about that on Tuesday though.
Dustin took me to the hospital on Thursday. I have been having these awful chest pains and have been overly emotional lately. I knew I was having panic attacks, I dont know why I kept telling myself that I wasnt. They did some unnecessary tests and told me that I have an anxiety problem - obviously. So, when I tried to scheduele a doctors appointment so that I could get a prescription for something that might help relieve my anxiety I find out that they will no longer accept me as a patient because I dont have health insurance. How nice of them. I am currently doctor-less.
I have been thinking about all of this lately, and I guess its no wonder I am on the anxious side often. I mean, now that everything is okay with my mom I am having a rough time transitioning back to the way that things used to be before she went into the hosiptal. When things first happened it was only natural for me to take charge and take care of everything - but now, I am stuck on how it is exactly that I transition back into my old life.
I have this strange disturbance going on internally because of my dad. I have always had a problem trying to get my dad to accept me, and now I can't seem to get the image of him and my brother fist fighting out of my head. It's strange. You would think that after all of this I would acknowledge the fact that he is a useless parent and move on - but I can't. I haven't seen nor talked to him in a week and it's killing me. I hate how he wants absolutely nothing to do with jr or I. The worst part is I drive past his house every morning on my way to work hoping that I will see his truck in the driveway. But I never do. To him Lori and Bethany are his family now.
Things with Dustin and I nice right now. I don't know what sparked this sudden change in him. But I like it, alot. It's nice to feel like the person who I started dating two years ago is back. I couldn't bear the thought of things not working between us. I hate how it is possible that can you put so much time and effort into things and have them not work out. I want us to work out. He is a very large part of my life and there are so many things that have happened to me in the last 4 years that I cant imagine I would have gotten through if he hadn't been there. If I lost him it would be like losing my best friend. I think that is why I have been having some of this anxiety. When we were fighting he had said that he wondered what it would be like to date other people. I think I am emotionally scarred from this because It has been killing me since the moment he said it. As much as he reassures me, deep down I have this horrible suspision/fear that he is going to leave me for someone else.
Which I guess, if that ever did happen I would deserve more than anything. Maybe that it was I get for doing that to all the other guys I dated. Looking back on it all, I wish I could apologize to a few of the guys I did this to. I am a shitty person.
I'm not sure why I typed all of this out. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.
School started back up this week. I was just getting used to all the extra free time I had, too. The class doesn't seem so bad. I just wish that I knew someone in it so I had someone to talk to. We have to work on our cat disections on Tuesday and I dont have a disection group yet because I dont know anyone. I may worry about that on Tuesday though.
Dustin took me to the hospital on Thursday. I have been having these awful chest pains and have been overly emotional lately. I knew I was having panic attacks, I dont know why I kept telling myself that I wasnt. They did some unnecessary tests and told me that I have an anxiety problem - obviously. So, when I tried to scheduele a doctors appointment so that I could get a prescription for something that might help relieve my anxiety I find out that they will no longer accept me as a patient because I dont have health insurance. How nice of them. I am currently doctor-less.
I have been thinking about all of this lately, and I guess its no wonder I am on the anxious side often. I mean, now that everything is okay with my mom I am having a rough time transitioning back to the way that things used to be before she went into the hosiptal. When things first happened it was only natural for me to take charge and take care of everything - but now, I am stuck on how it is exactly that I transition back into my old life.
I have this strange disturbance going on internally because of my dad. I have always had a problem trying to get my dad to accept me, and now I can't seem to get the image of him and my brother fist fighting out of my head. It's strange. You would think that after all of this I would acknowledge the fact that he is a useless parent and move on - but I can't. I haven't seen nor talked to him in a week and it's killing me. I hate how he wants absolutely nothing to do with jr or I. The worst part is I drive past his house every morning on my way to work hoping that I will see his truck in the driveway. But I never do. To him Lori and Bethany are his family now.
Things with Dustin and I nice right now. I don't know what sparked this sudden change in him. But I like it, alot. It's nice to feel like the person who I started dating two years ago is back. I couldn't bear the thought of things not working between us. I hate how it is possible that can you put so much time and effort into things and have them not work out. I want us to work out. He is a very large part of my life and there are so many things that have happened to me in the last 4 years that I cant imagine I would have gotten through if he hadn't been there. If I lost him it would be like losing my best friend. I think that is why I have been having some of this anxiety. When we were fighting he had said that he wondered what it would be like to date other people. I think I am emotionally scarred from this because It has been killing me since the moment he said it. As much as he reassures me, deep down I have this horrible suspision/fear that he is going to leave me for someone else.
Which I guess, if that ever did happen I would deserve more than anything. Maybe that it was I get for doing that to all the other guys I dated. Looking back on it all, I wish I could apologize to a few of the guys I did this to. I am a shitty person.
I'm not sure why I typed all of this out. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.