Reflections of Things That Never Were 17/?

[dawnieangel]

I’m posting on the run so this is going to have to be a short one! I’m so sorry it’s been so long, I had a horrible case of writers block but knock on wood it’s passed now!

Big thank you to Lori (Lorilozz) for beta-ing and being her awesome self and helping me along! Not to mention the beautiful banner she made me!

I hope you all like the update!

Seventeen

“I was speaking to Larry Sawyer at Church the other day...” Lydia’s words had Haley casting her eyes down to stop from appearing like a sullen teenager by rolling her eyes at her mother, as they sat at the large kitchen table, sipping on cups of coffee as they waited for Vivian to turn up. “Peyton hadn’t mentioned to him that the two of you weren’t talking...”

“We’re not, not talking Mom.” The blonde sighed, shifting in her seat to pull a leg up under her, a ghost of a smile reaching her lips as she thought of how young she felt, curling up into herself in her childhood home, talking to her mom about a fight with her best friend. “We just grew apart.”

“You only went to see her a month ago, Bub. I don’t know how a visit to your best friend can make you more distanced than you were before. You and Peyton have always been close.”

“I still don’t understand how you even knew there was a problem?” Haley asked, shifting back so her bottom was firmly into her seat, raising her gaze back to the older woman’s. A week or so after she’d returned from New York , Lydia had claimed she’d seen a change in her daughter and asked if something had happened on her trip. Although Haley had been suspicious of her mother’s connection between her demeanour and her childhood friend she’d been too preoccupied to think too much of it, and simply said that she’d had a disagreement with Peyton, and that she’d realised that maybe a childhood friendship isn’t supposed to last a lifetime.

“A mother always knows...”

“That didn’t work when I was 16 and you insisted you knew I’d lost my virginity on junior prom night, and it’s not going to work now.” Haley laughed, shaking her head in amusement at the memory.

“Well, the reason that didn’t work was because I misheard what Taylor said, and really it wasn’t much of a jump Haley, you had a very handsome date.”

“A very handsome pity date - “ The younger woman reminded, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. “He was Peyton’s cousin.”

“Who’d had a crush on you for years.”

“He had not.” She scoffed disbelieving. At no point had that boy had a crush on her, she’d been in the room when Peyton begged him to take Haley to the dance after the Tom Jennings’ appendix had burst a week before he was supposed to accompany her.

“He had, Peyton told me all he’d talk about when he was coming down for the summer was seeing you.”

“I really don’t believe you.” Haley shook her head, running her finger around the rim of her coffee cup, and staring listlessly out of the window. She knew her mother, and knew the run around in the conversation had to be going somewhere.

“You could always call Peyton and ask.”

And there it was. “Mother, I’m a grown woman, I can be friends, or not be friends, with whomever I want, and right now I don’t want to talk to Peyton Sawyer, or Keller now for all I know with the pace of their relationship.” She mumbled the last bit under her breath, scoffing out the last word.

“What was that?”

“Nothing - and don’t think I didn’t notice you changing the subject. How did you know there was even a problem with Peyton and I to begin with?”

“Well, Nathan..”

Of course Nathan, she smiled, unable to help but feel warmed by her husband’s meddling, despite the fission of annoyance that accompanied it. In the month since her weekend away things had taken a turn for the better between them. There were still a lot of issues, a lot of unspoken words, she knew that well, but they both seemed to be doing better in the moment. The future was still a no go area, any reminder of college, or babies, causing an atmosphere to descend over the room, and their fights of recent months, and the reasons for them were still something neither was brave enough to broach, but her home seemed happier again. He was around more, and she was trying not to worry so much about the things she said, or the way she behaved, but to just be herself around him. Something that she’d always said was one of the reasons she fell in love with him, and something that all the secret keeping of late had taken away from her. She knew she shouldn’t be so content in the comfort of present, when they still had so many things to work through, but she’d spent months trying to make herself feel comfortable with him again, to like him as much as she loved him, to like herself...

“Nathan...” She prodded Lydia on, trying to keep up a mask of indifference, still not sure if she was annoyed at her husband and mother covert conversations, or flattered by the fact they cared enough to consult each other.

“He came by to help your dad with something, and he just asked if I knew what had happened. Said he’d had no luck when he tried to get you to talk about it, but knew it was getting you down. Don’t be mad at him, sweetheart, he just cares.” Lydia stood up from the table, squeezing Haley’s shoulders and placing a kiss on the top of her head before taking her mug to the sink, “And like the good son he is, he presumed you being the dutiful daughter that you are, would have confided in your Momma.”

“I don’t think Nathan has confided a thing in Deb in his life.” Haley said sadly, pushing a loose strand of hair back behind her ear.

“I meant good son to me.” Lydia winked, smiling at her youngest, knowing how much Nathan’s relationship with his own parents pained her. “Good job you didn’t lose your virginity to that boy that night huh? Who knows what we’d all be missing out on now.”

Haley swallowed a little at the lump that began to form in her throat; she loved how her parents had taken Nathan under their wing, maybe even more so than they had her sibling's partners, trying their best to show him that there were parents out there who would afford their children unconditional love. She knew he still found it hard to believe, and knew the way his parents were had a lot to do with the state of her marriage as it was now. The idea of becoming more like Deb and Dan Scott than her own parents filled her with terror.

“Mom...” She asked tentatively, her gaze following her mother's busy movements around the kitchen. Grown children and her mom was still busying around fixing dinners, and making a home. God, she really, really wanted that too.

“Yeah baby?” She got her reply without even a gaze in her direction, but her voice was comfort enough to have Haley continue.

“Have you and Daddy...” She trailed off, and Lydia turned around, giving a questioning smile in her daughter’s direction. “I mean, has there ever been a time when you couldn’t talk to Dad about something?”

“What do you mean Haley?”

“I mean,” Haley reached up and brushed her thumb against the lone tear that settled on her cheekbone. “Has there ever been a time when you just wanted to talk to Daddy about something so badly, something you knew you had to talk about, for both your sakes, but you were scared to...”

“I’ve never been scared of your father, Haley.” With a concerned look Lydia stopped what she was doing and came back over to the table, pulling her chair closer to Haley’s before she sat down, taking her daughters hand between her own. She loved Nathan like a son, but she’d seen what being married to Dan had done to Deb Scott, and god help her if Nathan had done something to make her daughter fear him. “Are you scared of Nathan?”

“God no!” Haley responded to her mother’s tone, shaking her head desperately to convey her message. “Not like that. He’s never done anything to make me fearful of him, I promise. I mean the situation scares you, what could come out if you talked about.”

“Baby, a marriage doesn’t mean you’re going to want to let person in 24/7, 365, but sometimes it means you have to. You won’t always like what they’re going to say, you might not even like what they’re going to see when you do, but do you think your dad and I could have survived raising you all if we didn’t talk about things.”

Haley shook her heading, knowing her mom was right, she’d always told her not to go to bed on an argument, to talk everything out with your spouse, and not let arguments linger, and secrets build. Advice which she’d adhered to before all became so over whelming. “I know, oh Mom, I love him so much, but that isn’t enough is it?”

“It’s the easy part Bub, the rest is what really makes a marriage. Are you and Nathan having problems?”

“No.” Haley replied instinctively, chastising herself for the lie as it fell from her mouth, knowing everything she’d just said meant her Mom knew well there had be problems with her marriage.

“Honey...”

“I love him, and I love him being married to him, isn’t that all that matters?”

“It should be, and it’s what it all comes down to the end of the day, it’s why you make the effort with the rest.”

Was that her problem? Haley wondered, as her Mom hugged her against her, had she just not made enough effort. She’d been lying to herself that things were okay because the present was fixed, but that’s why they always went back to square one, they just gave up the effort. They fought, threw out things that had lingering at the back of their minds for months, fought some more, put a band aid over the wound, made love, and pretended everything was okay again.

“That’ll be your sister.” Lydia spoke up pushing Haley out of her embrace softly when the front door opened, looking down at her face and brushing away some tears. “You go through to the bathroom and fix your face and I’ll distract her okay? We can talk more later.”

“Okay, thanks Mom.”

Five minutes later, her composure regained Haley walked back into the kitchen, to find her Mom’s hand on her sister’s stomach both grinning from ear to ear. “Ready to go see your baby, Viv?”

“Hay, come here first.” Vivian beckoned for Haley to come over and grabbed her head placing it on her belly. “They’ve been kicking up a swarm all morning - ready for their close up.”

“Whoa...” All the air rushed out of Haley’s lungs as she felt a thump against her hand, and a ripple as the baby shifted its position. Of course she’d felt people’s babies kick before, but this time it was different, it was like the kick the baby gave her hand was the knock she needed. She looked at her sister’s face, as she grimaced in pain but then beamed happily. This mythical pregnancy glow surrounding her. Haley wanted that so badly, wanted to feel that kick so intensely it hurt, to feel what those ripples would feel like, to know that was someone growing inside of you, to feel that love, that connection. She’d always wanted it, but it was different now, she had the person she wanted it with. She was ready, but telling him she wanted a baby wasn’t enough, she needed him to know it, to feel it, needed to know and feel why he didn’t. As much as she wanted she knew they couldn’t do it now, because she imagined feeling those things, she instantly pictured him beside her, smiling at she explained the difference between on her side and his, while she complained at the pain as their child kicked her ribs, or cursed him as she had to go the bathroom, once again. She pictured him happy, and it wasn’t fair to hold the fact that he didn’t want to do it if he wouldn’t be against him. The idea that he wouldn’t want to share it that with her, to have that with her, was so much worse than the idea of never having it all. Yeah, she was ready, but they weren’t. Not by a long shot, and she had to tell him she knew that, that she was okay with that, that he needn’t worry about it anymore, because until they worked to be in a place where they were ready, whether he not a child wasn’t their problem, the fact that they feared talking about it, and so many other things, that was their problem. Maybe Peyton was right about a few things, as hard as it was for Haley to admit that she could see it now, had seen it then if she was being honest with herself, but she wasn’t right about everything. Nathan did love Haley, for Haley, and she loved him for him, all their imperfections included, and she knew they had to face those fears, make the effort the mother talked about.

Smiling at her mother, and sister, Haley made a decision. She’d accompany Vivian to her appointment, and for the first time since she’d been doing so she wouldn’t allow herself to feel resentment, because her time would come if was meant to. The she’d go home, and cook Nathan’s favourite dinner, and she’d sit him and down tell him it was okay. They didn’t need to worry about children, but if we wanted to talk about why he didn’t them, she’d be willing to listen this time, and she’d ask him why he wanted her to go college, and they’d talk, really talk.

“You look happy.” Lydia smiled, a little confused by the turn about in her daughters mood but not unhappy to see it.

“I’m feeling positive. I think today’s going to be a good day. Let’s go see my niece or nephew!”

~~~

“Working hard, Little Brother?” Nathan looked up from his work, surprised to see Lucas at his door.

“What are you doing here?” He motioned for Lucas to come in, and take a seat.

“Dad wanted to meet me for lunch, thought you’d be joining us.”

“I already ate.” Nathan motioned to the empty burger wrapper on his desk.

“Yeah,” Lucas laughed, wishing he’d been so lucky as to eat alone at his desk “So did we.”

“Thanks.” The brunette man scoffed. The last thing he wanted was to eat with his father more than was mandated by his mothers insisted family bonding times, but as was always the case sibling rivalry lingered, and he wondered if he’d been a part of today’s lunchtime conversation.

“I was doing you a favour, Nate. He asked how the book was coming, and then cut me off mid sentence to talk about himself, you know how he is. The only time he ever listened to either of us was when we were playing, and then it was just so he could tell us how he did it better. Even when you were...” Lucas trailed off. You never spoke to Nathan about the NBA. Before Haley came along you were likely to have strips torn off you, and since it was though his brother liked to forget he’d ever been a professional basketball player.

“Dan say anything I should know about?” He hoped the subject of basketball hadn’t been a conversation topic. Lucas took a stand, he didn’t want to play, he wanted to write, and he succeeded at that. Nathan tried, and failed, and neither was ever sure what was worse in their father’s eyes.

“Does he ever? Look, I don’t want to get involved Nathan, but Brooke asked me to ask you something...”

Nathan gave Lucas an incredulous look, not knowing what Brooke would ever have to ask of him. He tried his best to forget his brother’s girlfriend existed when he wasn’t in her company, and was under the impression it went both ways. “Yeah?”

“Is Haley ignoring her?”

“Not that I know of.” Nathan answered, racking his brain for anything Haley might have said. As far as he was aware the only friend she had problems with right now was Peyton, and he still didn’t know why. He felt awful for it but despite worrying when she’d clam up on the subject, or seem distressed, he was glad to know for once it wasn’t his fault. That she wasn’t worrying about something he’d done, or hadn’t done. Said, or hadn’t said. Seeing her hurt in anyway hurt him, but nothing was ever as painful as seeing the person you love hurting from something you’d done.

“I told her she was probably being paranoid. I’ve been locked away finishing up the book, and she hasn’t had any work on....”

“So she’s been wanting Haley to come over and take care of her. For Gods sake Lucas one of these days your woman’s going to have to learn to take care of herself. “

“Damn, Nate,” The blonde ran a hand over his head, he hated talking to Nathan about Brooke, and vice versa, they had no qualms about making it clear they didn’t like each other, and their toleration levels were lessening as the years went on. He still hoped one day they’d be able to get along. Hope family tensions could go out with their parent’s generation. “I told you not to talk about Brooke like that. And don’t talk to me like that while you’re at it. Haley’s her friend and she hasn’t seen her much lately, she’s just worried.”

“Well, tell her not to bother worrying. Haley’s fine. She’s just been busy.” The past couple of weeks they’d taken to spending a lot of time together, alone, like they used to. She’d sit and read while he watched TV, or she’d try and teach him how to cook something, laughing and ordering take out when things went wrong. If it wasn’t for the fact that they both knew they were putting off the inevitable, by allowing her to dodge his questions about what Peyton had said to upset her, and the fact that their futures were still up in the air, he’d of thought they were back to the couple they were when they were first married. He mulled over the thought for a second, glancing over at the pictures of her that sat on his desk, maybe they were back to that couple, happy and pretending to be oblivious to all the bumps that lay ahead, lying to themselves so much that they believed it to be true. Although neither was as naive now to believe those lies anymore, even if they pretended they did for a week or two.

“Uh, Nate...” Lucas asked, and Nathan broke out of his thoughts to see Lucas holding his phone looking curiously at the screen. “Why’s Rachel Gatina calling you?”

Snatching his phone out of his brother’s hand, he sent the call to voicemail and threw the cell into a drawer. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You don’t know why some girl is calling you, but you know enough to know not to answer the call in front of me?”

“It wasn’t some girl - it was Rae...”

“Exactly,” The stern, daring look in the blonde’s eye had Nathan balling his fist tightly. Insinuation was clear and it both hurt and angered him that Lucas would think so lowly of him.

“No. Don’t go there Lucas. I swear to god, I’ve hit you before I’ll do it again. Don’t even think it.”

“I’ve heard some stuff, Nate, about people seeing you out with Rachel...”

“I’ve not been out with Rachel; I’ve met up with her a couple of times since she’s been home.”

“And does Haley know...”

“Yes, she knows! I’m not cheating on my wife Lucas! Rachel’s a friend...”

“I haven’t heard you mention her name in years, and now she’s calling you. Nate if you’re...”

“I’ve told you I’m not Lucas, and if you hint as much again you won’t be walking out of my office, understand me?”

“Calm down! I’m just looking out for you here; Haley’s a sweet girl...”

“Yeah, she is, the sweetest, and I wouldn’t even dream....” He trailed off, rubbing at his jaw in disbelief. His brother, his best friend, wouldn’t let the subject drop. It was bad enough that he thought he’d do it in the first place, but to not let it go when he’d flat out told him it wasn’t happening was worse. Moments like this compounded his fears about letting Haley in completely. The person his brother viewed him was someone who could cheat on the person they loved, and he was brother, his flesh and blood, the person who’d seen him at his worst, and his best. Had known what changes he’d made in his life in the past few years, and yet seemed to still view him as the type of person he once was. “You need to leave Lucas.”

Hearing the defeat in his brother’s voice, guilt surged through Lucas. Deep down he knew Nathan wouldn’t cheat on Haley but Brooke had told him that Haley had been keeping secrets, and drawing back, and then a couple of his buddies let slip they’d seen Nathan around with Rachel and he’d jumped to conclusion. “Look, man, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me you’d be hanging out with Rachel?”

“Because, I was worried you’d think I was doing something wrong.”

“Do you think you’re doing something wrong?”

Nathan paused, his stomach lurching as the things he’d confided in Rachel lately, things he knew he shouldn’t be. Things about himself, things about his relationship with Haley. He had no fear with Rachel, no worry that she’d view him as less of a man, as less deserving. What it came down to was he didn’t care what she thought of him at all. It only mattered what Haley thought of him, that she saw him as being enough for her, good enough for her. “I’m just catching up with a friend.”

~~~~

“Honey, can you come in here when you’re done, I need to talk to you!” Haley called from her place in the living room. She’d been ushered out of the kitchen, her husband insisting that he clean up after dinner today, stating she’d been cleaning up after people all day. She tried to point out that she had in fact had the day off before realising that she was talking her way into doing dishes and slipped into the living room to devour a few pages of Lucas’ latest recommendation, before she put her plan into action. She’d cooked him dinner, now it was time to talk.

She smiled at him as he walked into the room, studying his form appreciatively as his long legs strode toward her, the t-shirt he was wearing forming tightly against his sculpted body. “You wanted to talk.”

She nodded and beckoned for him to sit beside her on the sofa, tucking her feet beneath her and twisting so she was facing him. “Yeah, I did, but first how was your day?”

“It was Okay. I worked, unlike some lucky people.” He teased, and the grin she gave back faltered slightly. She was loving the playfulness that had crept back into their relationship lately, and she second guessed herself for a moment on whether or not she should talk to him about the revelation she’d had earlier that day. “Luke stopped by, I think you should call Brooke, she seems to think she’s done something wrong, has she?”

“No.” Haley shook her head, biting at her lip, Brooke hadn’t done anything wrong but Haley hadn’t wanted to talk to her. Just before she’d gone away Brooke had realised something was going with Haley and she was nothing if not persistent. She could give in and tell Brooke, a part of thought it would make her feel better, but she’d told Peyton and that had only served to make her question a relationship she never thought she would. “I’ll call her tomorrow.

“How was, uh, yours?” The falter in his voice told her all she needed to know. He knew she’d gone with her sister to the hospital, and that would normally mean an evening of heavy silences, and Haley snapping when he tried to be sympathetic. She hadn’t wanted that; him to pussy-foot around her and treat her with kid gloves whenever the subject of babies were broached.

“It was good. I realised a few things.”

“Really, like what?” He was looking around the remote, unknowing of the conversation to come, and she reached over stroking his arm to regain his attention.

“Babe, we’re not done talking.” She giggled, smiling, doing her best to put him at ease.

“Sorry.” He gave her a sheepish smile, giving up his search when he turned to see the sincerity shining in her orbs. “What’s up?”

“Things have been better for us, lately, right?” He nodded, they’d both voiced that before, talking about how they didn’t want to fight anymore, how they loved each other, how happy they were to be together, but that was usually where it stopped. “And I don’t want to ruin things, but, we need to talk properly Nathan.”

“About what?” He asked, despite knowing. If not the specific topic then the types of things. The things he himself had been thinking they needed to talk about, the topics that had tension filling their home at a wrongly switched channel, or a thoughtless word.

“All of it,” She shrugged a little “eventually, all of it, but tonight I want to talk about children.”

“Haley...” He stiffened beneath her still stroking touch, and she could feel him preparing to pull away so she moved closer toward him.

“I know.” She nodded, smiling softly, “I know that you’re not ready, I know that you’re not sure if we are ready...”

He watched her, confused, as she smiled, and spoke seemingly without any regret in her tone. Usually when she said those things she was tearful, and angry, and the hurt pain just radiated from her to the point where it practically crippled him. He swallowed looking regretfully at his feet at the memory.

“And you’re right.”

“What?” His eyes snapped to hers, and she continued to smile at him, reaching forward and brushing her hand through his hair.

“Not about your reasons, not about worrying that you’ll not be good at it, but about not being ready. You’re not ready, and I’m not ready either, and we, as a couple, we’re not ready. We’re doing better, definitely, but we’re not doing great, and a baby would just complicate things more.”

“I, I’m not saying I don’t agree with you Hales, but why today?” He was confused and worried; he’d tried before to explain his opinion to Haley and she’d clammed up on him, not wanting to know, not being able to hear it. He understood why. At the time she’d be reeling, and hurt, and he’d understood that but he also understood that she was still hurting, and worried that the subject would cause her to go into herself the way it had in the past, because he wasn’t ready to give her the answer she wanted. He knew he wasn’t.

“When we were at Mom’s, Vivi’s baby kicked,” She paused, surprised by the emotion welling up inside of her. She let out a breath to calm herself, letting out a small sheepish self deprecating laugh at the end, being sure to continue smiling as she went on. “I’ve felt people’s babies kick before, I’ve felt Vivian’s babies kick before, but it was different this time. I wanted to know what it felt like for her so badly, it was the first thing that came to mind, and it just stayed there, It was probably no more than a few seconds but it felt like hours.”

“I’m so, so...” Sorry. He was, he hated that he was doing this to her, that although he had the power to stop this pain it wasn’t the right thing to do.

“Don’t, don’t apologise, just let me explain please...”

He nodded, sending her a reassuring smile, still unsure of what she was trying to say to him.

“But the thing that really lingered with me was that as much as I wanted to feel that, what I wanted more was you to feel that with me. You to be awed and excited, and terrified all at the same time, but all I could imagine you feeling was fear.” He cast his eyes down not wanting to look her in the eye because it was true; when she spoke about him being beside her as she carried his child what he felt in this moment was fear. “I’ve always wanted children in the abstract sense but it was never a reality thing until I met you, it’s your children I want, our children. Someone who’s the best of both of us, and as a couple we’re not ready to give that to a child. I’m selfish. I want to know you better; us better. I want to know me better.”

“What are you saying?” He asked her confused.

“I’m saying, the pressure’s off. We don’t need to worry about babies right now. I still hope one day it will be something we’ll do. Something you’ll want. Something I’m truly ready for. But I know now’s not the time. For you, for us, and I don’t want it to be this thing between us like it has been since our anniversary. I don’t want you to worry that you’re hurting me by not being ready; that I resent you or hold it against you, because I don't. You were right, and I was wrong.”

“Baby...” He tentatively looked into her eyes, stroking at her jaw and guiding it upwards so her eyes were completely looked on his. “I don’t want you to...”

“I’m not; I’m not just saying it. I’m not thinking it because I’m worried it’s a deal breaker for us. I really mean what I’m saying, Nathan, all of it.”

He felt like he could breathe all of a sudden, as he saw the honesty in her eyes, heard it in her words. He loved her so much for being able to understand his reasons without having to hear his explanations, for being able to admit they were flawed, but in a hopeful way that just made her, her. “I love you.”

“Oh, I love you too, trust me, I’m starting to realise just how much, But...

“But...” And I love you but never seemed a good thing, and suddenly that pressure was bearing down on top of him, making his chest feel tight.

“But just because the baby thing’s off the table, it doesn’t mean we don’t have a lot of work to do. I still want a future with you that involves children some day, and before we think about that we have so many other things to face up to. We have to make in effort in this marriage, it’s not going to be as easy as we both thought it would be when you proposed on the beach that day, but I think we’re worth dealing with our problems, don’t you?”

“God, yeah, of course I do.” He pulled her the small distance that brought her into his lap, and pushed her hair out of her face. “We’re worth it.”

“Good, I’m glad you think so. We really need to make some changes, Nathan.”

“I know.”

“Maybe we should think about seeing someone...” She trailed off, instantly regretting her words at the fear that crossed his face. “Okay, no professionals, but promise me, everyday we’ll talk about something real. What we’re feeling, or thinking, or worrying about.”

“I promise.” He held her tightly against him, and she buried her head in the crook of his neck, kissing the join.

“Good,” She lay her head against his chest, pulling his arms tighter around her, cocooning himself in his safe embrace before she spoke her fear out loud “because sometimes Nathan, I worry that I don’t know you.”

“Of course you know me.” His mouth went dry as he thought of what had transpired in his office with his brother earlier, he stood by his thought that he could talk to Rachel because he didn’t care we she thought, but he admitted now what he couldn’t then, that he probably was doing something wrong by confiding in her over his wife, and it wasn’t fair on her, or on him, and he wanted things to change; he wanted to one day have those feelings that Haley spoke about, because the alternative was not having her, and she was only thing that kept him going.