Balancing Act (504 Extension) *1/1*
Title: Balancing Act
Rating: T, just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Summary: Extension of episode 5x04. She’s the mother of the most perfect four year old. The wife of a husband coming to terms with losing his dream, but is it wrong that that’s not enough, that she wants more?
Authors Note: This is a little episode extension for 5x04 - I wrote the first, I guess, third of this right after the episode but then kind of gave up on. But tonight I was stuck at home cause I’m not too well and I thought I’d give it another crack. Hopefully you’ll all like what I came up with. Big thanks to the girls, especially Ashley(
jllover05) for beta-ing for me. You always help me! :-)
“Thank you, Carrie, again.” Haley stood in the open doorway of her house, the young nanny before her smiling back as she fixed the strap of her backpack over her shoulder.
“Honestly, I’m happy to do it. Jamie’s a special boy.” Of its own accord a wide smile broke across Haley’s lips, her eyes sparkling with pride as she nodded.
“Yeah, he is.” She moved a little so the taller woman could walk through the door, waving her hand as she watched the nanny walk away.
Closing the door behind her she rested back against it listening to the light thump of Nathan’s crutches above her and smiled to herself as she surveyed her home. Home. It was finally a home again. Warm and welcoming. Somewhere to feel safe, and loved. Oh, she knew things were far from what she’d envisioned it to be when they’d bought it, but it no longer suffocated her, and had her counting the hours in which she’d be away from it.
Switching off the main light in the foyer she softly padded her way upstairs, looking down the hall she nipped at her lower lip as she eyed the two doors at the end. Jamie’s was cracked lightly, a soft beam from his dragon themed night light creeping out, and her own light which poured out of the widely opened door, and she could hear Nathan shuffling about inside. The smile which had still been playing at her lips faltered. Her husband’s words from only a short while ago ringing in her mind. He wanted to see her in the dress. His eyes had suggested something less innocent that his words asked, something she didn’t think she was ready for. They were a family again. A mother, a father, a son, but they weren’t husband and wife. Not yet. Over the years he’d become her best friend, her closest confidant, and she was so happy to be able to talk to him again, just about something as simple as her day, but the idea of more than that, of hugs that meant more than the simple act implied, intimate kisses where their tongues mimicked the entwining of their souls. Making love with their eyes locked on each other, seeing, knowing, feeling, all the others thoughts and wants as their bodies worked to become one, sliding together so closely a sliver of light couldn’t have moved between them.
Closing her eyes against the confusing feelings that tried to stir up inside of her she breathed deeply composing herself in the way she was so practiced at over last few months, she made her way quietly to Jamie’s room, forcing herself not to look over her shoulder as she stepped inside. She’d deal with that after. She just wanted to say goodnight to her little boy. She’d missed him so much today, hadn’t realised how much until he’d climbed onto her lap to say goodnight. A whole day without seeing him, playing with him, reading with him. She wasn’t used to it, she didn’t like it.
He was asleep already, completely tuckered out from his day. She didn’t know why she was surprised, her usual ball of energy had been even more so since Nathan had decided to make the most of things. Never silent or still for a moment as he bounded around the house talking a mile a minute. The perfect blend of them both as he threw a ball up and down, and rambled on about doing so. Crouching down she rubbed softly on his back, a piece of paper catching her eye as he turned and snuggled down further into his pillow. Curiously she reached for it, pulling it from beneath the cover smiling at what she saw. She’d expected to find another portrait of Nathan. Always a daddy’s boy it seemed to have gone into overdrive in recent months, he’d drawn picture after picture of Nathan, of him and Nathan, and she guessed it was his way of feeling close to his distant father. The way she’d slept on Nathan’s side of the bed, or dabbed his pillow with his aftershave once his smell stopped lingering. Resisting the urge to do as the picture depicted and wake Jamie up just to hold him in her arms she uncreased the picture, already planning on going back downstairs and pinning it up on the fridge when her smile faltered, her eyes moving again over the words across the bottom of the page. Nanny Carrie. Not Mama, but Nanny Carrie. Her stomach knotted, and her brow creased as she sank back onto her heels, looking at her son as he slept. She knew she shouldn’t think too much of it. That she already had a million pictures he’d drawn for her, of her. He’d always drawn pictures of his life, the things and people that surrounded him of course he’d draw the woman he now spent a good portion of his day with, but knowing that didn’t stop the questions from resurfacing in her mind about whether having someone to watch over her child during hours of the day while she worked was for the best.
She pulled herself to her feet, placing the picture on top of the others that lay at the foot of his bed and placing them and the crayons down on his beside table. Leaning over she placed a soft kiss against his skin, breathing in his scent. She whispered a quiet I love you as she turned and walked across the hall. Startling a little as she saw Nathan sitting on the edge of their bed, she’d forgotten he was waiting for her.
“Hi.” His voice was warm, and she weakly returned his smile as she walked past him and over to closet.
“Hi.”
“Tonight was fun, huh? It was nice to get out of the house.” He shifted, lying back against the head board his eyes fixed on the sliding door of the small walk in. He’d noticed the way her eyes darted from his when she’d locked on him, had seen her eagerly jump on the opportunity of focussing her attention on Jamie when they’d been at the piano before instead of replying to his comment. He didn’t expect things to go back to normal, he knew he had a lot of ground to make up for, but it seemed after months of her trying to get more from him, and now that he was offering it she was pushing him away.
She bit back the satirical laugh that bubbled in her throat as he continued to talk to her, not listening to what he had to say. Get out of the house, yes, it was nice to get out of the house, but she was certain he forget that she too had been confined in the walls of their house for the past few months. Afraid to go as far as the store to pick up some much needed milk in case their son managed to get into something he wasn’t supposed to while her husband drank himself into a coma in the next room. She didn’t want to dwell, she wanted so much to be able to move past everything that happened, to be happy, and carefree, live the life she knew she was lucky to have. That she was envied for, but her heart wouldn’t listen to her mind and it still ached for the missed moments, stung from the painful words, cried at the shrugged off touches.
She’d seen the pitying, questioning, stares that evening as people watched Nathan move around Brooke’s new store on his crutches, watching him flinch as people came over and said how sorry they were about what had happened. She wasn’t accustomed to pity. Ever since she’d been Mrs. Nathan Scott she’d seen looks of envy, looks of adoration, but never pity. People wanted her life, some even thought she’d planned for it. A couple of girls in college went as far as to congratulate her on spotting Nathan’s potential and trapping him while she could. Of course they’d gotten a slap in return, but a part of her enjoyed that people recognised how lucky she was. A beautiful son, a handsome loving husband, a life of luxury practically mapped out for them from the start, She had the perfect life and she wanted it back, she didn’t care about the money, or the status, but she did care about the people she loved being happy, and she was coming to realise she cared about herself being happy too. That was why she’d agreed to work with Peyton on the record, something for herself, something for her soul. Although she wondered now, thinking back on the picture she’d found in her sons room and the words she’d spoken to her friend; that now she had Carrie she had time to do something for herself, that maybe she was just being selfish. She’d always planned on being more than just Nathan’s wife, and Jamie’s mother, although those titles were more important than any other she could ever posses, but with her family on such shaky ground maybe she didn’t deserve in until she got them back to where they needed to be.
She eyed the bag that hung on the back of the door. The grammatically incorrect name she’d pointed out to Brooke a seeming lifetime ago proudly emblazoned across it and slowly walked over, unzipping it to reveal the beautiful dress inside. A present for taking good care of her godson, Brooke had told her and damnit she had taken good care of him. Her son was intelligent, and polite, and full of life, and love, and she knew she had a big part in that. He was an amazing little person, full of his own ideas, and thoughts, and there was no way she could be a bad mother and be blessed with such a remarkable child. He was the best part of her, the best part of both of them. She owed it to him to do something for herself, to be happy, the better person she was, the better mother she’d be. Right?
“Are you going to hide in here all night?” Nathan looked over at her, a half smile on his lips as he leant his weight against the open door, a single crutch under his right arm. She looked up startled having been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t heard him move over.
“Um, no, I’m coming out now.” She sniffed, brushing her hands under eyes to stop the tears she didn’t know had started to fall, and turned grabbing a pair of pyjama pants and a tank top from behind her. She gently moved past him, leaving a gap between them, both telling themselves it was so she wouldn’t knock him on his unsteady legs, both knowing that wasn’t the truth.
“Have you been crying?” He asked confused as he watched her walk across the room, slipping inside their own suite bathroom, the running of the taps drowning out his question. He’d thought they’d had a good night. They’d spent the evening celebrating a friends success, and enjoying each other’s company, and although the pain in his legs had exhausted him and they’d had to leave the party early they’d gotten home in time to put Jamie to bed, something they revelled in doing together in the past. Something he’d missed more than the thousand or so other things he still regretted ever giving up.
“Unzip me?” She asked quietly hoping the water she’d splashed on her had calmed the redness around her eyes, walking over to where he’d once again sat down on the bed. She shuddered as his fingers grazed her skin as he pulled the zipper down slowly, her legs shaking a little as her body screamed for her to run, or turn and kiss him the way that had been building for the past four months. “I can get the rest.”
He shook his head dejectedly as she practically jumped away from him as if his touch had seared her skin. Watching as she stood with her back to him, she unzipped the last few hooks, and slipped the thick straps off her shoulders and the dress falling over her curves onto a heap on the floor. He took in the way her body flowed, curving in from her breasts to a waist and flaring into hips that rounded into an ass that filled his palms perfectly. He’d thought she had a woman’s body when he married her, curves in all the right places, but that was nothing compared to now. Having their son had just enhanced it all. His eyes ran eagerly over the desirable view until he felt all the air in his lungs being suckered punched out of him as she bent over to pick up her pyjama pants. Her tattoo. Their tattoo. The indelible 23 she’d had painted on her skin years before. His jersey number. His basketball number. He’d never changed it, not in college, not even when he was going pro. The number had come to mean more to him than basketball, it had symbolised his wife. His beautiful wife, who’d marred that perfect skin with those two numbers because she loved him. He knew he should remember it that way, knew that’s the way he’d always wanted to view it, but as he looked at the number now he couldn’t help but be reminded of all he’d lost. Nathan “23” Scott was no longer, never even really had a chance to really be.
“I uh, guess I’m not going to see that dress on then?” He joked, never more grateful for her to cover her skin than when she pulled a baggy tank top over her head.
“I’m just really tired, Nathan.” She said, exhaustion ringing in her voice. She was always tired. “I’m just going to go to bed.”
He watched concerned as she slipped between the covers, hugging her knees to her chest lying so far on her side of the bed he was sure she’d fall off in the night. “Hales, are you okay?”
“I’m just tired.” Her voice barely above a whisper, and she swallowed feeling the tears building again. She didn’t want to talk to him, she couldn’t talk to him, not in the way she wanted, he was dealing with so much and he was so fragile right now. Fragile was not a word she’d ever used to describe him, never thought she would, but right now that’s how she saw him, she was afraid the wrong word or action would have him spiralling back down into that depression he finally seemed to moving out of.
“It’s barely nine, baby.” The familiar pet name fell from his lips so naturally it caused her heart to both soar, and break. God how she’d wished to hear him call her that, had dreamt and fantasised of it, but like everything else she was starting to realise those things she’d wanted to hear from him, to see from him, although amazing, weren’t enough.
“I just really want to go sleep, it’s been a long day, and I’m sure tomorrow will be another one.”
He watched as she turned over her pillow, unable to stop a small smile at the familiar movement, she always had to sleep with her head on the colder side, but the tenseness of her body caused it to almost instantly fall from his lips. He knew, the way he always had, that something was wrong. Something more than her just being tired. He’d never stopped watching her, noticing her, sensing her, even when he’d been too wrapped up in himself to do anything about it. He hated that she was still so clearly hurting from what had happened. From the things he’d said, the way he’d behaved. He pushed his crutches up against the wall and moved his stiff body awkwardly undressing. He didn’t think he’d sleep, but he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to lay beside her, they’d shared a bed since they were sixteen, and none of the drink induced slumbers he’d had in recent months measured up to what he’d get listening to her breathing beside him.
She kept her eyes shut as she felt the mattress shifting beneath his weight as he moved, could almost see his movements in her mind. She knew he was struggling a little, and she almost acted on natural instinct and moved to help him but something inside made her stop as she remembered the things he’d said to her when he was a lot less able and she’d tried to help. The scathing comments about how she must pity him, how he must disgust her as she helped him dress or undress. She hadn’t pitied him, she hadn’t been disgusted, she’d loved him. She still loves him. Loves him so much.
He eventually got beneath the covers, flicking the switch beside him submerging them into darkness. He moved toward her, closing the gap between them, had barely touched his skin to hers when he felt her flinch. Her entire body going rigid at his proximity.
“Haley?” He couldn’t help but question. He wanted to give her all the time she needed, knew she deserved that and so much more but he needed to hold her, needed to know she was still there with him.
“I....” Can’t. Don’t. The words rang in her mind. I can’t get close to you. Don’t touch me because I won’t be able to stop myself wanting you. Needing you. “I think we should take Jamie somewhere this weekend, just the three of us.”
“That sounds great, Hales.” He sounded genuinely excited at the idea of spending time as a family and it was enough to cause a warm stirring in stomach. She loved how fatherly he was, didn’t mind if it often seemed she came second in Jamie’s heart to him. They were both such boys and she loved that they had to share, loved watching them roughhouse together, or play sports, or chase each other around the lawn. Had felt secure she was there in a highly held second place, and as soon as that ball hit a little too hard, or he fell during that chase she’d be the one he’d come too, begging for magic kisses to make the pain go away, and a hug to make it all better. She wondered whether Carrie’s kisses worked the same way, if he fell while she was at work did the nanny’s kiss on her son’s grazed knee stop the tears, or would he sit around and cry until she came in from work waiting to throw himself at her and brandish his wound for her special Mama’s magic. Which was worse? She didn’t want to share that with anyone else but god she’d just be worst mother to wish pain on her child.
“Please don’t cry, Hales.” She almost cried at that. The fact that he knew she was going to cry, that he could sense it despite the fact her back was to him, and he couldn’t see the tears building in her eyes.
“Do you think we’ve done the right by hiring, Carrie?” She blurted out, she couldn’t talk about them, but she was talking, and she needed to talk him about this. Not just because Jamie was their son, not just hers, but because she needed to talk him for herself. She loved Lucas, never more so than when he’d supported both her and Jamie in the past months, and she truly believed she could talk to him just about anything, but nobody could understand a fear when it came to parenting Jamie, like Nathan. No one ever would, and she wouldn’t want anyone else to.
He moved back, trying not to notice the way her shoulders relaxed as he put distance between them again. “Well, someone has to watch him.”
His tone was light, and she knew she could just agree with him and lay there in the darkness, listening to him doing the same beside her until one of them actually fell asleep, her mind running over everything that had happened that day, but she couldn’t deny the ease that filled her just from the slight admission. “I mean are we doing the right thing by needing a nanny?”
He turned, and watched her, still with her back to him as she talked, resisting the urge to reach over and turn her to face him. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe when I decided to go to work it was the wrong thing. I mean, we never planned for me to work until he was in full time education, and I never really spoke to you about it..” She trailed off, and he smiled as she turned to look at him, her heavy swept bangs falling into her face, beginning to curl a little again after being straightened.
“One of us needed to be working, Haley. You made the right choice. You always do where our family is concerned.” He wondered where it was coming from, she always made the right choices by him and Jamie, he knew she always would, hated that she doubted that. “Besides, you’d have gone stir crazy sitting around the house.”
“I love spending time with Jamie...and you.” She implored, twisting fully where she was facing him, just able to make out the smile on his face. His eyes shining in the darkness.
“We know you do, baby,” He said, although a part of him wondered whether she really did love spending time with him, not that he could blame her from recent behaviours. His fingers twitched to push those bangs back, to stroke across her cheek, and comfort her. “Just because money’s not a problem it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve worked at least one job. You need that in your life Haley. Besides, teaching’s been something you worked hard for, something you’re going to be great at. Like everything else you do.”
“What about this Peyton thing, I know you told me to do it but I’m already out of the house 8 hours a day Monday to Friday do I need to be gone more.” She could feel his body heat across from her, something she still hadn’t gotten used to again, the bed had been so cold, and big without him, but part of her felt suffocated by his presence now. Of course the other part felt comforted...
“Is it something you want to do?” He asked, sure he already knew the answer but trying to understand, fighting against the tiredness that was sweeping over him.
“I don’t know, I guess,” She gnawed at her lower lip at the admission, before adding on her fear, “But not at Jamie’s expense.”
“Jamie’s going to be fine. He has me, he has Carrie, Luke, a million other people who love him, and love spending time with him.”
“But none of those people are his Mom. None of them are me.” She said quietly, swallowing and falling flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling.
“No, they’re not, but he wants you to be happy too, Hales. He knows you’re always here, especially when he needs you.”
“Does he?” She didn’t want to look at him, to show him her doubts, her desperation, loving him for telling her so, but not wanting him to do it out of obligation or just wanting to make her feel better.
“Of course he does. He loves you so much. Where is all this coming from?”
She flashed back to the picture she’d found, the one she knew didn’t mean anything but compounded the fears she’d been having ever since she graduated and realised she was going out into the adult world, already an adult in a lot of ways but yet unfulfilled as a person.
“It was just not being with him all day. It’s the first time.” She tried to dismiss it but he could see there was more.
“And he coped fine without you.” His words were meant to be comforting, but they cut her. He was four, he was supposed to need her, supposed to want her there. He was meant to depend on her.
“Yeah..” He could see her physically closing off the small of part of herself she’d opened up as she turned back away from him, curling up again.
“Haley.” He pleaded, reaching out and laying his hand on her shoulder, closing his eyes in pain as she flinched away from him. “You’re an amazing mother. I’m sorry if I..”
“God!” She turned at that, so much fire in her eyes they shone in a way that shocked him. “It’s not you, you didn’t do anything.”
“Well, you never doubted it before.” He defended quietly, shocked to see such a strong reaction.
“This is about me, Nathan, About what I feel, and need. Me, Haley. For myself. I need to do things for myself.”
“And I’m saying you should. You deserve it! Especially after the past...”
“Oh, God, please don’t say after what’s happened in the past four months.” She shook her head running a hand through her hair. “I’m not feeling this way because of you, or...that. I’m a mother, that’s a huge part of who I am, and it’s hard for me to get up and walk out that door in the morning knowing I have to let somebody else take care of my child. I miss him, and I don’t want to need this other part of my life to feel fulfilled. I feel guilty about that, Nathan, can you understand that?”
He couldn’t, not really. He’d always wanted everything, too much maybe. The family, the career, he couldn’t understand why she’d feel guilty for fulfilling all her dreams.
“If you don’t want to work at the school when I get a job Hales then don’t,”
“But you’re right, Nathan. I wouldn’t cope well with just being a Mom, that’s the problem, I don’t think I could give it up.” She felt so guilty admitting it out loud. “And then this thing with Mia, and her record..”
“Do you want to do it?”
“Not if it means I’m not the mother Jamie deserves.... the wife you deserve.” The last part was barely more than a whisper. They might not be their usual selves, but he was still a part of every decision she made. He still factored greatly into every thing she did.
“Haley?” She shook her head, turning once again so her back was to him. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t let him see how broken she was. He needed to heel, he needed to get better, and he didn’t need to be worrying about her.
“I’m fine, Nathan, just go to sleep. I’m just over tired and you know what I get like, I just think too much and get over emotional, I’ll be fine tomorrow.”
“But..”
“No, I’m fine, please, let’s just go to sleep.” She begged, the desperation in her voice enough to make him stop.
They both lay in the darkness, the words hanging between them. He’d never dreamt she was so conflicted, that she felt guilty for wanting a life outside of them. He thought she knew they only wanted her to be happy, to do the things that made her so. He knew her better than to believe when she said it was the tiredness talking, and he searched for the right words to tell her. Not wanting her to go to sleep worrying, knowing she had more than enough on her plate besides this.
“We love you Haley, and we know you love us. We want you to be happy. I do, and I know Jamie does too. We’re not going to forget you love us if we have to fix our own dinner one night, or have to work out how to use the washing machine. You’re the best wife, and the best Mom either of us could hope for.”
She swallowed deeply the tears falling silently on her cheeks, he spoke with such conviction that even if it was just in that moment she believed him. Believed that she could do it all. “I’m so tired.”
“I know.”
“Hold me?” She asked timidly turning once again and sliding toward him, they hadn’t spoken about them, she’d actively avoided talking about them but she felt closer to him than she had in a long time and she couldn’t give that moment up yet. She didn’t have the strength in her to do so. She didn’t want to.
“What?” He asked startled, he wanted nothing more, but he didn’t want to pressure her. “Are you sure?”
“Nathan, please.” She cried, looking up at him through damp lashes. “I haven’t had a good night sleep in four months, and I am just so damn tired, I can’t keep going on like this. So please, just hold me.”
He nodded silently, opening his arms and pulling her to him. She laid her head against his chest and his arms clasped around her. He could feel her tense against him, but he kept holding on tight. She had asked for this, they both needed this, so he’d keep holding her, hoping that if he did for long enough she’d relax, feel safe again. Hoping she’d feel how much he loved her, hoping she’d believe it.
Rating: T, just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Summary: Extension of episode 5x04. She’s the mother of the most perfect four year old. The wife of a husband coming to terms with losing his dream, but is it wrong that that’s not enough, that she wants more?
Authors Note: This is a little episode extension for 5x04 - I wrote the first, I guess, third of this right after the episode but then kind of gave up on. But tonight I was stuck at home cause I’m not too well and I thought I’d give it another crack. Hopefully you’ll all like what I came up with. Big thanks to the girls, especially Ashley(
jllover05) for beta-ing for me. You always help me! :-)
“Thank you, Carrie, again.” Haley stood in the open doorway of her house, the young nanny before her smiling back as she fixed the strap of her backpack over her shoulder.
“Honestly, I’m happy to do it. Jamie’s a special boy.” Of its own accord a wide smile broke across Haley’s lips, her eyes sparkling with pride as she nodded.
“Yeah, he is.” She moved a little so the taller woman could walk through the door, waving her hand as she watched the nanny walk away.
Closing the door behind her she rested back against it listening to the light thump of Nathan’s crutches above her and smiled to herself as she surveyed her home. Home. It was finally a home again. Warm and welcoming. Somewhere to feel safe, and loved. Oh, she knew things were far from what she’d envisioned it to be when they’d bought it, but it no longer suffocated her, and had her counting the hours in which she’d be away from it.
Switching off the main light in the foyer she softly padded her way upstairs, looking down the hall she nipped at her lower lip as she eyed the two doors at the end. Jamie’s was cracked lightly, a soft beam from his dragon themed night light creeping out, and her own light which poured out of the widely opened door, and she could hear Nathan shuffling about inside. The smile which had still been playing at her lips faltered. Her husband’s words from only a short while ago ringing in her mind. He wanted to see her in the dress. His eyes had suggested something less innocent that his words asked, something she didn’t think she was ready for. They were a family again. A mother, a father, a son, but they weren’t husband and wife. Not yet. Over the years he’d become her best friend, her closest confidant, and she was so happy to be able to talk to him again, just about something as simple as her day, but the idea of more than that, of hugs that meant more than the simple act implied, intimate kisses where their tongues mimicked the entwining of their souls. Making love with their eyes locked on each other, seeing, knowing, feeling, all the others thoughts and wants as their bodies worked to become one, sliding together so closely a sliver of light couldn’t have moved between them.
Closing her eyes against the confusing feelings that tried to stir up inside of her she breathed deeply composing herself in the way she was so practiced at over last few months, she made her way quietly to Jamie’s room, forcing herself not to look over her shoulder as she stepped inside. She’d deal with that after. She just wanted to say goodnight to her little boy. She’d missed him so much today, hadn’t realised how much until he’d climbed onto her lap to say goodnight. A whole day without seeing him, playing with him, reading with him. She wasn’t used to it, she didn’t like it.
He was asleep already, completely tuckered out from his day. She didn’t know why she was surprised, her usual ball of energy had been even more so since Nathan had decided to make the most of things. Never silent or still for a moment as he bounded around the house talking a mile a minute. The perfect blend of them both as he threw a ball up and down, and rambled on about doing so. Crouching down she rubbed softly on his back, a piece of paper catching her eye as he turned and snuggled down further into his pillow. Curiously she reached for it, pulling it from beneath the cover smiling at what she saw. She’d expected to find another portrait of Nathan. Always a daddy’s boy it seemed to have gone into overdrive in recent months, he’d drawn picture after picture of Nathan, of him and Nathan, and she guessed it was his way of feeling close to his distant father. The way she’d slept on Nathan’s side of the bed, or dabbed his pillow with his aftershave once his smell stopped lingering. Resisting the urge to do as the picture depicted and wake Jamie up just to hold him in her arms she uncreased the picture, already planning on going back downstairs and pinning it up on the fridge when her smile faltered, her eyes moving again over the words across the bottom of the page. Nanny Carrie. Not Mama, but Nanny Carrie. Her stomach knotted, and her brow creased as she sank back onto her heels, looking at her son as he slept. She knew she shouldn’t think too much of it. That she already had a million pictures he’d drawn for her, of her. He’d always drawn pictures of his life, the things and people that surrounded him of course he’d draw the woman he now spent a good portion of his day with, but knowing that didn’t stop the questions from resurfacing in her mind about whether having someone to watch over her child during hours of the day while she worked was for the best.
She pulled herself to her feet, placing the picture on top of the others that lay at the foot of his bed and placing them and the crayons down on his beside table. Leaning over she placed a soft kiss against his skin, breathing in his scent. She whispered a quiet I love you as she turned and walked across the hall. Startling a little as she saw Nathan sitting on the edge of their bed, she’d forgotten he was waiting for her.
“Hi.” His voice was warm, and she weakly returned his smile as she walked past him and over to closet.
“Hi.”
“Tonight was fun, huh? It was nice to get out of the house.” He shifted, lying back against the head board his eyes fixed on the sliding door of the small walk in. He’d noticed the way her eyes darted from his when she’d locked on him, had seen her eagerly jump on the opportunity of focussing her attention on Jamie when they’d been at the piano before instead of replying to his comment. He didn’t expect things to go back to normal, he knew he had a lot of ground to make up for, but it seemed after months of her trying to get more from him, and now that he was offering it she was pushing him away.
She bit back the satirical laugh that bubbled in her throat as he continued to talk to her, not listening to what he had to say. Get out of the house, yes, it was nice to get out of the house, but she was certain he forget that she too had been confined in the walls of their house for the past few months. Afraid to go as far as the store to pick up some much needed milk in case their son managed to get into something he wasn’t supposed to while her husband drank himself into a coma in the next room. She didn’t want to dwell, she wanted so much to be able to move past everything that happened, to be happy, and carefree, live the life she knew she was lucky to have. That she was envied for, but her heart wouldn’t listen to her mind and it still ached for the missed moments, stung from the painful words, cried at the shrugged off touches.
She’d seen the pitying, questioning, stares that evening as people watched Nathan move around Brooke’s new store on his crutches, watching him flinch as people came over and said how sorry they were about what had happened. She wasn’t accustomed to pity. Ever since she’d been Mrs. Nathan Scott she’d seen looks of envy, looks of adoration, but never pity. People wanted her life, some even thought she’d planned for it. A couple of girls in college went as far as to congratulate her on spotting Nathan’s potential and trapping him while she could. Of course they’d gotten a slap in return, but a part of her enjoyed that people recognised how lucky she was. A beautiful son, a handsome loving husband, a life of luxury practically mapped out for them from the start, She had the perfect life and she wanted it back, she didn’t care about the money, or the status, but she did care about the people she loved being happy, and she was coming to realise she cared about herself being happy too. That was why she’d agreed to work with Peyton on the record, something for herself, something for her soul. Although she wondered now, thinking back on the picture she’d found in her sons room and the words she’d spoken to her friend; that now she had Carrie she had time to do something for herself, that maybe she was just being selfish. She’d always planned on being more than just Nathan’s wife, and Jamie’s mother, although those titles were more important than any other she could ever posses, but with her family on such shaky ground maybe she didn’t deserve in until she got them back to where they needed to be.
She eyed the bag that hung on the back of the door. The grammatically incorrect name she’d pointed out to Brooke a seeming lifetime ago proudly emblazoned across it and slowly walked over, unzipping it to reveal the beautiful dress inside. A present for taking good care of her godson, Brooke had told her and damnit she had taken good care of him. Her son was intelligent, and polite, and full of life, and love, and she knew she had a big part in that. He was an amazing little person, full of his own ideas, and thoughts, and there was no way she could be a bad mother and be blessed with such a remarkable child. He was the best part of her, the best part of both of them. She owed it to him to do something for herself, to be happy, the better person she was, the better mother she’d be. Right?
“Are you going to hide in here all night?” Nathan looked over at her, a half smile on his lips as he leant his weight against the open door, a single crutch under his right arm. She looked up startled having been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t heard him move over.
“Um, no, I’m coming out now.” She sniffed, brushing her hands under eyes to stop the tears she didn’t know had started to fall, and turned grabbing a pair of pyjama pants and a tank top from behind her. She gently moved past him, leaving a gap between them, both telling themselves it was so she wouldn’t knock him on his unsteady legs, both knowing that wasn’t the truth.
“Have you been crying?” He asked confused as he watched her walk across the room, slipping inside their own suite bathroom, the running of the taps drowning out his question. He’d thought they’d had a good night. They’d spent the evening celebrating a friends success, and enjoying each other’s company, and although the pain in his legs had exhausted him and they’d had to leave the party early they’d gotten home in time to put Jamie to bed, something they revelled in doing together in the past. Something he’d missed more than the thousand or so other things he still regretted ever giving up.
“Unzip me?” She asked quietly hoping the water she’d splashed on her had calmed the redness around her eyes, walking over to where he’d once again sat down on the bed. She shuddered as his fingers grazed her skin as he pulled the zipper down slowly, her legs shaking a little as her body screamed for her to run, or turn and kiss him the way that had been building for the past four months. “I can get the rest.”
He shook his head dejectedly as she practically jumped away from him as if his touch had seared her skin. Watching as she stood with her back to him, she unzipped the last few hooks, and slipped the thick straps off her shoulders and the dress falling over her curves onto a heap on the floor. He took in the way her body flowed, curving in from her breasts to a waist and flaring into hips that rounded into an ass that filled his palms perfectly. He’d thought she had a woman’s body when he married her, curves in all the right places, but that was nothing compared to now. Having their son had just enhanced it all. His eyes ran eagerly over the desirable view until he felt all the air in his lungs being suckered punched out of him as she bent over to pick up her pyjama pants. Her tattoo. Their tattoo. The indelible 23 she’d had painted on her skin years before. His jersey number. His basketball number. He’d never changed it, not in college, not even when he was going pro. The number had come to mean more to him than basketball, it had symbolised his wife. His beautiful wife, who’d marred that perfect skin with those two numbers because she loved him. He knew he should remember it that way, knew that’s the way he’d always wanted to view it, but as he looked at the number now he couldn’t help but be reminded of all he’d lost. Nathan “23” Scott was no longer, never even really had a chance to really be.
“I uh, guess I’m not going to see that dress on then?” He joked, never more grateful for her to cover her skin than when she pulled a baggy tank top over her head.
“I’m just really tired, Nathan.” She said, exhaustion ringing in her voice. She was always tired. “I’m just going to go to bed.”
He watched concerned as she slipped between the covers, hugging her knees to her chest lying so far on her side of the bed he was sure she’d fall off in the night. “Hales, are you okay?”
“I’m just tired.” Her voice barely above a whisper, and she swallowed feeling the tears building again. She didn’t want to talk to him, she couldn’t talk to him, not in the way she wanted, he was dealing with so much and he was so fragile right now. Fragile was not a word she’d ever used to describe him, never thought she would, but right now that’s how she saw him, she was afraid the wrong word or action would have him spiralling back down into that depression he finally seemed to moving out of.
“It’s barely nine, baby.” The familiar pet name fell from his lips so naturally it caused her heart to both soar, and break. God how she’d wished to hear him call her that, had dreamt and fantasised of it, but like everything else she was starting to realise those things she’d wanted to hear from him, to see from him, although amazing, weren’t enough.
“I just really want to go sleep, it’s been a long day, and I’m sure tomorrow will be another one.”
He watched as she turned over her pillow, unable to stop a small smile at the familiar movement, she always had to sleep with her head on the colder side, but the tenseness of her body caused it to almost instantly fall from his lips. He knew, the way he always had, that something was wrong. Something more than her just being tired. He’d never stopped watching her, noticing her, sensing her, even when he’d been too wrapped up in himself to do anything about it. He hated that she was still so clearly hurting from what had happened. From the things he’d said, the way he’d behaved. He pushed his crutches up against the wall and moved his stiff body awkwardly undressing. He didn’t think he’d sleep, but he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to lay beside her, they’d shared a bed since they were sixteen, and none of the drink induced slumbers he’d had in recent months measured up to what he’d get listening to her breathing beside him.
She kept her eyes shut as she felt the mattress shifting beneath his weight as he moved, could almost see his movements in her mind. She knew he was struggling a little, and she almost acted on natural instinct and moved to help him but something inside made her stop as she remembered the things he’d said to her when he was a lot less able and she’d tried to help. The scathing comments about how she must pity him, how he must disgust her as she helped him dress or undress. She hadn’t pitied him, she hadn’t been disgusted, she’d loved him. She still loves him. Loves him so much.
He eventually got beneath the covers, flicking the switch beside him submerging them into darkness. He moved toward her, closing the gap between them, had barely touched his skin to hers when he felt her flinch. Her entire body going rigid at his proximity.
“Haley?” He couldn’t help but question. He wanted to give her all the time she needed, knew she deserved that and so much more but he needed to hold her, needed to know she was still there with him.
“I....” Can’t. Don’t. The words rang in her mind. I can’t get close to you. Don’t touch me because I won’t be able to stop myself wanting you. Needing you. “I think we should take Jamie somewhere this weekend, just the three of us.”
“That sounds great, Hales.” He sounded genuinely excited at the idea of spending time as a family and it was enough to cause a warm stirring in stomach. She loved how fatherly he was, didn’t mind if it often seemed she came second in Jamie’s heart to him. They were both such boys and she loved that they had to share, loved watching them roughhouse together, or play sports, or chase each other around the lawn. Had felt secure she was there in a highly held second place, and as soon as that ball hit a little too hard, or he fell during that chase she’d be the one he’d come too, begging for magic kisses to make the pain go away, and a hug to make it all better. She wondered whether Carrie’s kisses worked the same way, if he fell while she was at work did the nanny’s kiss on her son’s grazed knee stop the tears, or would he sit around and cry until she came in from work waiting to throw himself at her and brandish his wound for her special Mama’s magic. Which was worse? She didn’t want to share that with anyone else but god she’d just be worst mother to wish pain on her child.
“Please don’t cry, Hales.” She almost cried at that. The fact that he knew she was going to cry, that he could sense it despite the fact her back was to him, and he couldn’t see the tears building in her eyes.
“Do you think we’ve done the right by hiring, Carrie?” She blurted out, she couldn’t talk about them, but she was talking, and she needed to talk him about this. Not just because Jamie was their son, not just hers, but because she needed to talk him for herself. She loved Lucas, never more so than when he’d supported both her and Jamie in the past months, and she truly believed she could talk to him just about anything, but nobody could understand a fear when it came to parenting Jamie, like Nathan. No one ever would, and she wouldn’t want anyone else to.
He moved back, trying not to notice the way her shoulders relaxed as he put distance between them again. “Well, someone has to watch him.”
His tone was light, and she knew she could just agree with him and lay there in the darkness, listening to him doing the same beside her until one of them actually fell asleep, her mind running over everything that had happened that day, but she couldn’t deny the ease that filled her just from the slight admission. “I mean are we doing the right thing by needing a nanny?”
He turned, and watched her, still with her back to him as she talked, resisting the urge to reach over and turn her to face him. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe when I decided to go to work it was the wrong thing. I mean, we never planned for me to work until he was in full time education, and I never really spoke to you about it..” She trailed off, and he smiled as she turned to look at him, her heavy swept bangs falling into her face, beginning to curl a little again after being straightened.
“One of us needed to be working, Haley. You made the right choice. You always do where our family is concerned.” He wondered where it was coming from, she always made the right choices by him and Jamie, he knew she always would, hated that she doubted that. “Besides, you’d have gone stir crazy sitting around the house.”
“I love spending time with Jamie...and you.” She implored, twisting fully where she was facing him, just able to make out the smile on his face. His eyes shining in the darkness.
“We know you do, baby,” He said, although a part of him wondered whether she really did love spending time with him, not that he could blame her from recent behaviours. His fingers twitched to push those bangs back, to stroke across her cheek, and comfort her. “Just because money’s not a problem it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve worked at least one job. You need that in your life Haley. Besides, teaching’s been something you worked hard for, something you’re going to be great at. Like everything else you do.”
“What about this Peyton thing, I know you told me to do it but I’m already out of the house 8 hours a day Monday to Friday do I need to be gone more.” She could feel his body heat across from her, something she still hadn’t gotten used to again, the bed had been so cold, and big without him, but part of her felt suffocated by his presence now. Of course the other part felt comforted...
“Is it something you want to do?” He asked, sure he already knew the answer but trying to understand, fighting against the tiredness that was sweeping over him.
“I don’t know, I guess,” She gnawed at her lower lip at the admission, before adding on her fear, “But not at Jamie’s expense.”
“Jamie’s going to be fine. He has me, he has Carrie, Luke, a million other people who love him, and love spending time with him.”
“But none of those people are his Mom. None of them are me.” She said quietly, swallowing and falling flat on her back, staring up at the ceiling.
“No, they’re not, but he wants you to be happy too, Hales. He knows you’re always here, especially when he needs you.”
“Does he?” She didn’t want to look at him, to show him her doubts, her desperation, loving him for telling her so, but not wanting him to do it out of obligation or just wanting to make her feel better.
“Of course he does. He loves you so much. Where is all this coming from?”
She flashed back to the picture she’d found, the one she knew didn’t mean anything but compounded the fears she’d been having ever since she graduated and realised she was going out into the adult world, already an adult in a lot of ways but yet unfulfilled as a person.
“It was just not being with him all day. It’s the first time.” She tried to dismiss it but he could see there was more.
“And he coped fine without you.” His words were meant to be comforting, but they cut her. He was four, he was supposed to need her, supposed to want her there. He was meant to depend on her.
“Yeah..” He could see her physically closing off the small of part of herself she’d opened up as she turned back away from him, curling up again.
“Haley.” He pleaded, reaching out and laying his hand on her shoulder, closing his eyes in pain as she flinched away from him. “You’re an amazing mother. I’m sorry if I..”
“God!” She turned at that, so much fire in her eyes they shone in a way that shocked him. “It’s not you, you didn’t do anything.”
“Well, you never doubted it before.” He defended quietly, shocked to see such a strong reaction.
“This is about me, Nathan, About what I feel, and need. Me, Haley. For myself. I need to do things for myself.”
“And I’m saying you should. You deserve it! Especially after the past...”
“Oh, God, please don’t say after what’s happened in the past four months.” She shook her head running a hand through her hair. “I’m not feeling this way because of you, or...that. I’m a mother, that’s a huge part of who I am, and it’s hard for me to get up and walk out that door in the morning knowing I have to let somebody else take care of my child. I miss him, and I don’t want to need this other part of my life to feel fulfilled. I feel guilty about that, Nathan, can you understand that?”
He couldn’t, not really. He’d always wanted everything, too much maybe. The family, the career, he couldn’t understand why she’d feel guilty for fulfilling all her dreams.
“If you don’t want to work at the school when I get a job Hales then don’t,”
“But you’re right, Nathan. I wouldn’t cope well with just being a Mom, that’s the problem, I don’t think I could give it up.” She felt so guilty admitting it out loud. “And then this thing with Mia, and her record..”
“Do you want to do it?”
“Not if it means I’m not the mother Jamie deserves.... the wife you deserve.” The last part was barely more than a whisper. They might not be their usual selves, but he was still a part of every decision she made. He still factored greatly into every thing she did.
“Haley?” She shook her head, turning once again so her back was to him. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t let him see how broken she was. He needed to heel, he needed to get better, and he didn’t need to be worrying about her.
“I’m fine, Nathan, just go to sleep. I’m just over tired and you know what I get like, I just think too much and get over emotional, I’ll be fine tomorrow.”
“But..”
“No, I’m fine, please, let’s just go to sleep.” She begged, the desperation in her voice enough to make him stop.
They both lay in the darkness, the words hanging between them. He’d never dreamt she was so conflicted, that she felt guilty for wanting a life outside of them. He thought she knew they only wanted her to be happy, to do the things that made her so. He knew her better than to believe when she said it was the tiredness talking, and he searched for the right words to tell her. Not wanting her to go to sleep worrying, knowing she had more than enough on her plate besides this.
“We love you Haley, and we know you love us. We want you to be happy. I do, and I know Jamie does too. We’re not going to forget you love us if we have to fix our own dinner one night, or have to work out how to use the washing machine. You’re the best wife, and the best Mom either of us could hope for.”
She swallowed deeply the tears falling silently on her cheeks, he spoke with such conviction that even if it was just in that moment she believed him. Believed that she could do it all. “I’m so tired.”
“I know.”
“Hold me?” She asked timidly turning once again and sliding toward him, they hadn’t spoken about them, she’d actively avoided talking about them but she felt closer to him than she had in a long time and she couldn’t give that moment up yet. She didn’t have the strength in her to do so. She didn’t want to.
“What?” He asked startled, he wanted nothing more, but he didn’t want to pressure her. “Are you sure?”
“Nathan, please.” She cried, looking up at him through damp lashes. “I haven’t had a good night sleep in four months, and I am just so damn tired, I can’t keep going on like this. So please, just hold me.”
He nodded silently, opening his arms and pulling her to him. She laid her head against his chest and his arms clasped around her. He could feel her tense against him, but he kept holding on tight. She had asked for this, they both needed this, so he’d keep holding her, hoping that if he did for long enough she’d relax, feel safe again. Hoping she’d feel how much he loved her, hoping she’d believe it.