(no subject)
Ive spent the last two years putting my life back together, figuring myself out, growing, getting things straight...for what? In a matter of weeks everything seemed to just crash, starting with Geoff, then Damon and now just going back to my stupid ways, and feeling depressed, once again. I haven't felt depressed in a while, I haven't had a hard time getting out of bed in a while...and it's all coming back, Im scared to death. I have changed, and I know that because Im fighting all this with everything in me, but...what if it's not enough? What if I fail, again. Im sick of being known as drama seeking Kayla, I've been different for a while, and people seemed to notice, but then one thing happens and they just assume "Kayla" is back. Nevermind that it wasn't my fault, nevermind that I didn't ask for it, nevermind that its destroying me inside. I don't want to let people talking get to me, and I don't want to prove anyone right either. I want to be strong, and I want to get through this, but its hard. Plus, Im afraid. I waited to two years to date again, and I was ready...and now...Ive been screwed over so much I don't know if I can chance it again..i know you can't live in fear, but theres only so much a girl can take. besides...whos gonna want me now? Like Geoff so kindly stated, Im ruined. Ive been used, abused and thrown away, more times then I care to count, and Ive done my share of hurting as well. No matter how much I change and no matter how differently I look at life, thats still my past, and someone someday is going to have to look past that and still care about me, and the more that happens, the more I doubt that is possible. I wouldn't blame them, I don't know that I could love myself too much either. Im better than this, I know in my head that God loves me, that Im forgiven, different and I no longer have to worry about all that. God has made me good enough...but...it's hard to believe sometimes. I want to feel it, I want to see it...I know thats selfish, but Ive been doubting myself lately, and it'd be nice to feel loved, cared about, and excepted. I know I don't need a boyfriend, and I really don't want one at the moment, but I would love to feel that...I don't know..what do I do? Not tell a guy the ugly past and have him be crazy about me, or be honest and risk getting completely crusher like I did this past time...what nice options I have. Don't get me wrong, the past is the past and Im no ashamed of it, but I know how people react and I know how people view others...and it's hard for someone to look at me, the me now...and not see the past, and that makes it harder for them to except me. Is it so wrong to want to be excepted? Then...geesh, I want to do great things, I want to help people, I want to serve...but how can I do that if I can't get over all this junk...blahh. Theres so much going on in my head and it's driving me crazy. I feel alone. I know Im not..but what I know and what i feel are two totally different things lately. I constantly have that sunday evening feeling, like...you just had this great weekend, and then it hits you that you have to return to the real world on monday...what if the last year was just a great weekend and now I have to return to my normal way of life...getting hurt and hurting others. I refuse to let that happen. I have met some of the most amazing people and I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for, they have helped me and been there for me when most people would have just given up. Without them I don't think I would have made it this far. It doesn't help that I seem to fall for completely impossible untouchable people. Especially this current one, I mean, I know enough to know nothing will happen and I won't even let anyone know how I feel, but... the first sunday morning I saw him..he had something, and its so attractive. His heart and his drive. The way he serves others. haha He's much better without me.