I figured I'd repost a xanga post randomly, since I never post here anymore.
I think I have control issues, and I'm about to think myself to death.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now.
1. Grandma Griffith
2. Nana Mace. My mom's going to visit her at the end of March, and she's not sure her mom will be around that long. She's already lost over 60 pounds...
3. I just found out one of my friends (my big sister's best friend) back in Medina (who I haven't actually spoken to in years) has a cancerous growth on one of her legs.
4. My Eastman audition. I don't have any clue what to think - I think they would have said things about money and stuff if they knew I was going to make it. I have no clue if I made it, I'm leaning on the no side, but I won't really know until March, and not a minute goes by when it doesn't pass my mind. I can't help it...
5. My All County Scholarship audition. If I get this, I'll have my first big solo performance in front of a crowd full of hundreds of people, plus I'll be up $1000 for college, which never hurts. I'd be more confident if I hadn't blown the ending in the audition. The adjudicator said "wow" after I played, and said "It's okay. I know you can do it" after I looked uneasy after the ending, and complimented my resume/essays (which no one else really wrote...). Still, the results are being sent out tomorrow, which means I won't know for a couple more days. Lots of deserving musicians from the county auditioned, so I have no idea what to expect.
6. My All County audition. It's not stressing me out, because I know the results, but it kind of bugs me that I did so poorly in an audition, no matter how trivial, no matter how little competition I have regarding horn players in the county. I went in there way underprepared and not warmed up, and it was stupid of me. The (apparently deaf) adjudicator decided to give me a 100, which is the most ridiculous gift I've ever received, anyway, so my seat is still insured, but I never want to come out of an audition feeling that badly again.
7. Saratoga. I just want to know if I'm good enough to go. I'm not going anyway, but I won't know until May that I'm good or not good enough for them.
8. New England. Why should I bother auditioning there? I know the chances are so slim...sometimes I hate myself for preparing so little for auditions, and I don't want to make that mistake with that.
9. Youngstown. I need to call and add a major. I spoke with Dr. Gage this week, and his voice just keeps going through my head. I think this is where I need to be for college, but what if I make one of the 2 prestigious conservatories? Where will I be then? I know where most of my teachers would say...
10. Scholarships. There are so few scholarships based on musical merit rather than outstanding, well rounded achievements in school and grades. I'm not in a million clubs, I concentrate on faith, music, and my own intellect. That's not good enough for most.
I was supposed to be the one who had college completely figured out. I never thought I may not be making this decision until April. It scares me so much not to know where I'll be next year, and to be told that I'm not good enough to study somewhere. Not knowing if I got this scholarship, or met those qualifications scares me.
I just had to write this down somewhere. You can feel free to ignore this, I just needed to make my mind stop racing for a bit.
In other news, today I got a CD by William Slocum, the horn professor at Youngstown, playing some standard horn rep. and He's pretty amazing at Hindemith's Sonata. Like woah. (But he could be a cleaner Beethoven player). That's okay, I'm a far better Hindemith horn player than Beethoven too. And I don't have a degree from Julliard and a Cleveland Orchestra job to flaunt around.
I bought Bethsheba a dress and shoes (a handguard and a stand) and I'm pretty excited about them coming in the mail sometime this week. I'll be watching the mail like crazy. (handguard, stand, eastman, all county...)
I got an email from the horn professor at Eastman today after I asked him what I could work on for future auditions:
Hello, Debbie. Nice to meet/hear you last week. I admire your ambition, especially your commitment to drive all the way to Buffalo to participate in the GBYO. As for the suggestions, you need to work on your low register response and stability. Your mouthpiece may be too small in this regard. Your pulse needs to be more consistent, esp. with regard to subdivisions. You're very compelling and comfortable in loud playing, which is fine! Ensure that your softs retain resonance. Eliminate any throat and neck tension along the air column - keep the air flowing freely at all times.
Hope that helps.
It's too early in the process up here to arrive at any final conclusions. I think there are 4 more audition dates here, plus all the tapes/cds from regional auditions.
Best wishes, and good luck in your subsequent auditions.
PK