Christiana Lloyd-Kirk's Review of Emily Null Zimerman's Thirsty Thursday Thoughts
First off, I love the, "I am woman. Hear me roar attitude you've got going on. Just a couple suggestions here at the top and down below around the poem...
(1.) Recepted is not a word period, but even if it was, "is well-recepted" would still not make sense, being that "is" is present tense and any verb with an "ed" attached at the end is past tense. You can say, "was well received" or "is experiencing positive reception"...but not well recepted. That is not a word...actual words that sound similar include: Received, Intercepted, and Receptive.
(2.) "I waltz in the room, move my hips, shake my ass"...could definitely be improved. You start out with this really musical word: "waltz" and then shift to something more robotic for "move" and "shake." Your application of waltz would also be served better if you said something like, "through the room" or "into the room" afterwards...When you say, "In the room" it gives the impression that you are already in the room and dancing the actual 123 step...as opposed to what you're going for...which happens to be the second meaning: movement flavored with high confidence-- moving into a room with a kick in your step.
If you want to clarify your use of waltz and also make it more musical, something like: "I waltz through the room, wield (or wave) my hips, wiggle my ass"....(Using two more "w" words to follow waltz, gives the line more of a musical quality). "Wield" is also pretty cool for this poem, being that it gets the message across you have a kind of confidence that wields your body's movement like a weapon. It fits the whole, "I am woman. Hear me roar," attitude. If you want to go a different route and keep the "shake my ass" at the end..you could also change it to all S's with something like: "I saunter through the room, sway my hips, shake my ass".
(Thirsty Thursday Thoughts)
I waltz in the room, move my hips, shake my ass
Quite unapologetically I’ll tell them
I’ve gained a lot of weight recently, when they ask
Regardless it’s there, I still have style and flair
What’s ten pounds more when you’re 20; I’m floored
by responsibilities and there’s nothing to show
Who knows, I can hardly tell shit from art (Lmao...There's not necessarily a difference. I mean there's quite a bit of art out there made of actual shit. There's a Venus de Milo made from Panda poop and a Black Virgin Mary with bits of elephant dung...that last one pissed a lot of people off.)
unless it’s impressionism; what is that, skepticism?
Quite unapologetically I’ll tell them, I never claimed to be smart
Thank you, society; the constructive critique
is well-recepted like asking a fat lady if she’s pregnant
So how many weeks? That will warrant a nice
Slap! Focus! a glass of red in my hand, I sit down
This time around with stubborn resolution ---> Needs either comma after "around" or different phrasing
I’ll wake up early and
oh nevermind, the wine talking or my reply
If I hurry now, I can get to bed fast
Quite unapologetically I’ll tell them,
Hey, at least I tried, when they ask-----> "when they ask" doesn't work here. At the very least you need to put it as the fifth line but I would suggest chopping it all together. The partial rhyme is not worth it. This last line as a whole actually, needs work. (A.) You are trying to send the message that you are unapologetic about who you are and don't feel the need to justify your existence to other people. Yet you're thinking about what you're going to say to other people at great length...When you say, " at least I tried"...That's a justification as opposed to the attitude, "I do and am what I want. Deal with it." The point should not be whether you tried or not. The point should be that either way you don't have to explain yourself to anyone but yourself. Anyone who does not realize that is not worth your time. Which brings me to my next point: (B.) When you write "When they ask" you are implying (I.) That they will in fact ask. That there is no possible way they would not ask. (II.) I'm curious, what exactly are these people asking about you? That much is not particularly clear...You've brought up fatness and Intelligence as points of criticism but are people outright asking you why you're fat or don't reach the level of intelligence they assumed in the first place? I'm only left at guesses here---but whatever people are asking of you, the same answer applies. You are the only voice that really matters. Don't give those others a value they don't deserve.
(1.) Recepted is not a word period, but even if it was, "is well-recepted" would still not make sense, being that "is" is present tense and any verb with an "ed" attached at the end is past tense. You can say, "was well received" or "is experiencing positive reception"...but not well recepted. That is not a word...actual words that sound similar include: Received, Intercepted, and Receptive.
(2.) "I waltz in the room, move my hips, shake my ass"...could definitely be improved. You start out with this really musical word: "waltz" and then shift to something more robotic for "move" and "shake." Your application of waltz would also be served better if you said something like, "through the room" or "into the room" afterwards...When you say, "In the room" it gives the impression that you are already in the room and dancing the actual 123 step...as opposed to what you're going for...which happens to be the second meaning: movement flavored with high confidence-- moving into a room with a kick in your step.
If you want to clarify your use of waltz and also make it more musical, something like: "I waltz through the room, wield (or wave) my hips, wiggle my ass"....(Using two more "w" words to follow waltz, gives the line more of a musical quality). "Wield" is also pretty cool for this poem, being that it gets the message across you have a kind of confidence that wields your body's movement like a weapon. It fits the whole, "I am woman. Hear me roar," attitude. If you want to go a different route and keep the "shake my ass" at the end..you could also change it to all S's with something like: "I saunter through the room, sway my hips, shake my ass".
(Thirsty Thursday Thoughts)
I waltz in the room, move my hips, shake my ass
Quite unapologetically I’ll tell them
I’ve gained a lot of weight recently, when they ask
Regardless it’s there, I still have style and flair
What’s ten pounds more when you’re 20; I’m floored
by responsibilities and there’s nothing to show
Who knows, I can hardly tell shit from art (Lmao...There's not necessarily a difference. I mean there's quite a bit of art out there made of actual shit. There's a Venus de Milo made from Panda poop and a Black Virgin Mary with bits of elephant dung...that last one pissed a lot of people off.)
unless it’s impressionism; what is that, skepticism?
Quite unapologetically I’ll tell them, I never claimed to be smart
Thank you, society; the constructive critique
is well-recepted like asking a fat lady if she’s pregnant
So how many weeks? That will warrant a nice
Slap! Focus! a glass of red in my hand, I sit down
This time around with stubborn resolution ---> Needs either comma after "around" or different phrasing
I’ll wake up early and
oh nevermind, the wine talking or my reply
If I hurry now, I can get to bed fast
Quite unapologetically I’ll tell them,
Hey, at least I tried, when they ask-----> "when they ask" doesn't work here. At the very least you need to put it as the fifth line but I would suggest chopping it all together. The partial rhyme is not worth it. This last line as a whole actually, needs work. (A.) You are trying to send the message that you are unapologetic about who you are and don't feel the need to justify your existence to other people. Yet you're thinking about what you're going to say to other people at great length...When you say, " at least I tried"...That's a justification as opposed to the attitude, "I do and am what I want. Deal with it." The point should not be whether you tried or not. The point should be that either way you don't have to explain yourself to anyone but yourself. Anyone who does not realize that is not worth your time. Which brings me to my next point: (B.) When you write "When they ask" you are implying (I.) That they will in fact ask. That there is no possible way they would not ask. (II.) I'm curious, what exactly are these people asking about you? That much is not particularly clear...You've brought up fatness and Intelligence as points of criticism but are people outright asking you why you're fat or don't reach the level of intelligence they assumed in the first place? I'm only left at guesses here---but whatever people are asking of you, the same answer applies. You are the only voice that really matters. Don't give those others a value they don't deserve.