Tired
I am tired. Although I had fun in Cleveland, emotionally, I am exhausted. It was nice not to be around church people for nearly two days. I didn't have to talk to anyone unless I wanted to...and I could drink wine, and not worry about a church person calling or stopping by if I had more than would be "acceptable".
I had a good time with J. although it wasn't enough. It never is quite frankly. Before I left him after 4am on Saturday morning, I told him I hated him...and part of me really felt that way. It was because I was having to leave again. He walked me out to my car, same as always, and I started with the stupid crying thing. I hate crying. And then I felt bad because I said I hated him, because I knew why I had said what I did. He hugged me. Over the past few days, he's hugged me more than the entire time I've known him. He hugged me, and we both stood there, in an embrace, and I know he was fighting tears. I apologized for having said I hated him. As we pulled apart, he told me that he'd almost rather me hate him, given how much we both hurt because I was leaving again.
Thursday night, he told me I was his best friend and the only person in his life, to whom the could spill his heart out. That's something. And it's amazing.
I have more to say about this. But church is calling. Stupid church. But I do love J. I want to see what happens with him...but I realize, that this is just going to hurt for awhile. I feel like there's a big void in my chest since he's not around. I find myself wondering about stupid things. Why is it I can feel this sort of affection and pain for someone, and not have a way, that I can see right now, in reconciling these feelings? Seems like I should have a better way of dealing with this...and the seemingly extreme highs and lows of the past week.
Well off to church.
I had a good time with J. although it wasn't enough. It never is quite frankly. Before I left him after 4am on Saturday morning, I told him I hated him...and part of me really felt that way. It was because I was having to leave again. He walked me out to my car, same as always, and I started with the stupid crying thing. I hate crying. And then I felt bad because I said I hated him, because I knew why I had said what I did. He hugged me. Over the past few days, he's hugged me more than the entire time I've known him. He hugged me, and we both stood there, in an embrace, and I know he was fighting tears. I apologized for having said I hated him. As we pulled apart, he told me that he'd almost rather me hate him, given how much we both hurt because I was leaving again.
Thursday night, he told me I was his best friend and the only person in his life, to whom the could spill his heart out. That's something. And it's amazing.
I have more to say about this. But church is calling. Stupid church. But I do love J. I want to see what happens with him...but I realize, that this is just going to hurt for awhile. I feel like there's a big void in my chest since he's not around. I find myself wondering about stupid things. Why is it I can feel this sort of affection and pain for someone, and not have a way, that I can see right now, in reconciling these feelings? Seems like I should have a better way of dealing with this...and the seemingly extreme highs and lows of the past week.
Well off to church.