MST: My Dinner With Andre - I mean, John & Blythe
I'm out of clever things to say, so here's how the author described this fic:
Summary: AU-Daddy's Boy... What if everyone went out with House and his parents?
So, of course, that's not exactly what the fic is about. It's about House "coming out as your GAY, HANDICAP, DRUG ADDICTED son." Fun.
Cameron and Chase are huddled around Cameron’s laptop when Foreman walks into the Diagnostics conference room.
Foreman: Where’s House?
Chase: Left for dinner with his parents.
Foreman: Couldn’t weasel your way in, Cameron?
Cameron: Wilson cock-blocked me. And House ordered us to read this bad!fic for him.
"Invite me to dinner!"
"What?" Wilson had just walked in and already House was demanding dinner out of him. "What happened to hello?"
Foreman: Are you sure this is a bad!fic? So far, the grammar is fine and the characterization is dead on.
Cameron: Just you wait.
House was in his office watching General Hospital and playing with his yo-yo, when Dr. Wilson had walked in.
Foreman: We already established that he walked in, so it’s not needed here. And why is he suddenly “Dr. Wilson” when he was just “Wilson” before?
Cameron: See what I mean?
Chase: “Playing with his yo-yo” sounds kind of dirty when it’s written out like that.
"Hello! Now invite me to dinner! Thursday!"
"I hear your parents are coming in for a visit. And i know that is why you want me to invite you out."
"And?"
"And, aren't you going to invite me to meet the parents?"
Chase: “The” parents?
Cameron: Maybe the author meant that Ben Stiller movie and forgot to capitalize.
"Well gosh Suzi, i don't know this is a big step in our relationship. But I am sure that Ma and Pa sure would like to meet the pertty girl i am going steady with." He tried in his 1950s act on him. "I had no intention of going to meet them myself, hence the INVITE ME TO DINNER THURSDAY!"
Foreman: I’m going to let the misspelling of “pretty” go, because it just might have been intentional (although commonly that would be spelled “purty”). But not capitalizing the pronoun “I” is just heinous.
Chase: And how is what House said a 1950s act?
"No and that's not what I meant. We don't have to tell them anything, I just figured you would want someone there with you. I know how hard it is for you to be with them." Wilson walked over toward the desk and grabbed the over sized ball off of it.
"Jimmy, you know you should ask before you take things from a person. Keep it up and I will have to spank you." House smiled at him with a deceivious smile.
Chase: Is “deceivious” American slang?
Cameron: No, just bad!fic crap.
Foreman: Anybody else getting chills from the concept of House spanking Wilson?
"Are you threatening me? Or was that a promise?"
"Either way it is sexual harassment in the work place and I hope Cuddy doesn't find..." House was cut off by Wilson's mouth covering his own. Wilson was leaning on House in the chair and he placed a hand on the growing bludge in House's pants.
Chase: Bludge? Does the author mean “bludger”? If so, too bad for Wilson.
Foreman: What?
Chase: A bludger is lazy and lets other people do all the work.
Cameron: If that’s not House, I don’t know what is.
"Jimmy, leg." House said between kisses.
"Greg, I'm sorry." Wilson jumped up. Wilson then started to exit the office.
Foreman: Pronouns are our friends. Don’t be afraid to use them, author.
"I didn't mean for you to stop, better yet you can make it up to me by getting down on all four and start servicing little House." House said with a smirk.
Chase: Eww! The spanking was bad enough, but this… Eww!
Cameron: I hate it when guys refer to their dicks that way.
Foreman: I never do that. Mostly, because it’s not little at all.
C&C: *eyeroll*
"I wish I could but I have to be in with a patient. Later? Back at the apartment?" Wilson gave him a sly smile.
"Oh and Wilson will you come with me to see my folks?"
"I would love to. I'll make plans for dinner."
House and Wilson are in Wilson’s car, on the way to dinner.
Wilson: It’s good that you’re going to see your parents, but what do you need me there for?
House: Moral support. I’m going to tell them to quit bugging me about women.
Wilson: You know, if you really want them to stop asking about women, you should tell them you’re gay.
House: Are you high?
Wilson: When the questions about when grandchildren would arrive got to be too much, I told my parents I was sterile. They’ve never bugged me about it since.
House: *eyeroll*
Chapter 2
After the meeting with his patient Wilson went to Dr. Lisa Cuddy's office.
"Dr. Wilson, is there something I can do for you?"
Foreman: Cuddy gets a first name when House and Wilson don’t?
Cameron: Save your strength for the next few paragraphs.
"House's Parents are coming to town Thursday, I've talked him into going to dinner with them, but only if I go, too. So i just want to inform you that i will not be at the board meeting that night."
"Wait did you say House's parents?" Cuddy had a gleeful expression on her face. "Oh this could be fun. Why don't we all go to dinner with him. Watch him squrim a little."
Foreman: *hyperventilating*
Cameron: *hands Foreman paper bag*
Chase: Oh, I get to be Foreman, cool. Um, let’s see. Small “p” on parents, semi-colon not comma, capitalize the pronoun “I” - twice, comma, comma, question mark. And is “squrim” American slang?
Cameron: Chase, you’ve been reading bad!fic for how long now? It’s never American slang.
"I don't know if that is such a good idea." James toldher.
"Oh come on what could it hurt?" Cuddy presuaded, "Just me and his team. It will be good for him."
Wilson didn't really agree to it but by the end of their conversation Cuddy and House's team would be joining them, without House's knowledge. And it was up to Wilson to get the ducklings in line.
"Cameron" Wilson ran up to her, "What are you doing thrusday for dinner?"
Foreman: *still hyperventilating, using paper bag*
Chase: Why would Wilson be taking waterfowl to this dinner?
Cameron: I think that term means us.
Chase: What?
Cameron: American slang. Just kidding. It’s bad!fic jargon.
"Excuse me?"
"House's parents are coming in to town and i was... well Cuddy was wanting to make him uncomfortable by going along to dinner. So what are you doing Thursday?"
"Going to dinner with House's parents? I'll be there." She smiled trying to hide her school girl crush on her boss.
Foreman & Chase: Hee, hee.
Cameron: Shut up.
"Okay, do you know where i can find Foreman and Chase?"
"House's office."
"Damn," Wilson began walking away. "Hey, Cameron," She turned back around to face him. "Don't let House know."
"I won't."
Wilson left heading towards the labs. He would have to get Foreman and Chase later.
Cameron: What? Why is he going toward the labs?
Chase: Quickie with the centrifuge?
After about an hour later Wilson went to his office. Just as he reached the door he was sidelined by House.
Foreman: Sideline: “to render incapable of participation.” Don’t think that was what the author meant.
Cameron: Yes, House seemed pretty eager for Wilson’s participation earlier.
Chase: Eww, don’t remind me.
"Jimmy come with me!" House demanded.
The two of them walked towards teh elevator.
"Where are you going?" Wilson asked.
"I have a surprise... well it is for me but you can look." House said as he hit the button of the first floor with his cane.
"What is it?"
"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it."
"This is what you neede $5000 for?" Wilson questioned as they walked up towards an orange motorcycle.
"YEAH, they just delievered it. Want to go on a ride?
"I have patients. You know those sick people us doctors are suppost to heal." Wilson said with a sarcastic tone.
Foreman: Now, I know in UK English certain past tense verbs end it a “t” - like “smelt.” But I’m pretty sure “suppose” is not one of those words.
Cameron: This is getting boring.
Chase: Zzzzzzz.
"So later?"
"Maybe."
"So who all is going to dinner Thursday?" House questioned.
"Cameron has a big mouth!" Wilson said to noone in particular.
Cameron: I do not! I’m not anywhere near the gossip Chase is.
Chase: *waking up* Hey!
"Not as big as you do." House gave Wilson a look telling him to spill everything.
"IT was cuddy's idea. Don't blame me."
"I'm not going. You and I should just stay home and fuck all night instead."
Chase: Yeah, good luck with that, old men. I mean, geez, House is what, 60?
"As tempting as that is, you have to go. Besides you can't lie to your mother. What would you tell her?"
"That Dr. Wilson is having prostrate problems and wants a doctor whom he trust to check him out." House gave him a sly but horney look.
Foreman: Sigh. The author actually uses “whom” correctly, but then uses the wrong conjugation of “trust.”
Chase: And misspells “prostate” and “horny.” Unless “horney” is American slang?
Cameron: That is getting so annoying, Chase!
"You're going or you're not getting any for a month."
All: *snicker* Like Wilson could hold out that long!
"I hate you!"
"Wow, nice bike." Chase's voice brought them back from the seuxal converstaion.
"see that's what you are suppost to say." House looked at Wilson.
Chase: Cameron, remember our “seuxal converstaion” from way back when?
Cameron: If it’s what I’m thinking of, it was more of a monologue, while you stood there and gaped. Guys are so easy to fluster.
-Later On-
Cameron went to the other two about the dinner plans. "House's parents are going to be in town Thursday Wilson and Cuddy want us all to come, to make him uncomfortable."
"Could be fun, I mean, think of the type of parents it would tak eto create someone like House." Chase said, "I'll be there."
"I bet he was always like that. I bet he tormented his parents as a child." Foreman said.
"So you're not in the lease bit intersted about it?" Chase questioned him.
"No, I have plans already anyway."
Foreman: Well, being in a fic was fun while it lasted.
Chase: You got two whole lines!
Cameron: And they were in character.
Foreman: Whoopee.
Chapter 3
Dinner-
House's parent were sitting at a large table, also at the table sat Chase, Cameron, and Cuddy.
Foreman: I’m not even going to bother.
"Why did you invite them?" House said as they walked into the door.
"I didn't. I just told Cuddy that I wouldn't be avaible tonight. She was the one who decided that it would be best if they all came. That it would be good for you to have people to care here with you."
Cameron: Who is House talking to?
Chase: Who is he ever talking to? It’s got to be Wilson.
Foreman: “People to care here with you” seems to imply House is going to care. I find that difficult to believe.
"To eat with my parents? No they just wanted to make me uncomfortable. Good try though."
"Come on," Wilson grabbed House's arm and began pulling him towards the table.
"You know if we leave now then we can get out of here before anyone sees us." House begged.
Chase: It always amuses me to see House begging in bad!fic, because it never happens in real life. Like fic!me gossiping or being all submissive.
Cameron & Foreman: Ha!
"Come on." Wilson grabbed House's shoulder and started directing him towards the table.
They finally go to the table where everyone was sitting silently.
"Sorry we're late." Wilson apologized.
"No, problem at all." House's mother smiled.
Foreman: See why comma use is so important? The sentence as written means it was a problem.
Chase: Give up on the comma, Foreman. No one cares.
Cameron: It’s getting almost as boring as the American slang gag.
"Hi Mom." House hugged his mother and kissed her on the cheek. He then turned to his father, "Sir". The word were void of emotion. Then he and Wilson sat opposite each other at the table.
"So Greg, what's going on in our life these days?"
"I bought a bike. It's orange and has a big scrap on one side."
House and Wilson are at the restaurant with House’s parents.
John: How’s the bike, son?
House: Great! Just got a tune-up and it’s running great. I’m thinking about a weekend trip down south just to give it room to run.
Wilson: Mr. House, please don’t encourage him. That thing’s a death-trap.
House: Yeah, yeah, Debbie Downer. You’re worse than Mom.
Blythe: I think the motorcycle suits you, dear. You always were one for freedom.
"Is that the one we saw parked in front of the hospital. In the handicap spot?" House's father asked.
"That'd be the one." House said already prepared for the next comment out of his father.
"Greg, you don't know how lucky you are. You still have two legs..."
"Three!" House lifted his cane.
Cameron: Thank god he didn’t make a middle leg joke.
"You know..." House's dad was getting angry which wasn't unnatural for his father. Everyone else at the table were almost wishing they hadn't tagged along, Wilson included. "Do you really think that feeling sorry for yourself is going to make you better?"
"No, but I get way with a lot more." House smirked.
There was silence at the table. Chase took a drink of his water enjoying the drama in front of him.
Chase: Hey! I’m not like that!
Foreman: Noooo, not at all.
Cameron: *eyeroll*
"So House tells us you are going to Europe." Wilson tried to change the subject quickly.
"Oh yes," House's mother was happy for the change of subject. "I'be never been. This is going to be like a second honeymoon for us."
"You know, I'm tired of you makeing me feel like a dissappointment all the time." House was getting angry.
Foreman: This fic is definitely makeing me feel dissappointed.
Chase: Wait a minute. How does “this is a second honeymoon” make House feel like a disappointment?
Cameron: I think he’s supposed to be talking to his father.
"Greg calm down." Wilson placed his hand on his lover's shoulders.
Chase: One hand on both shoulders?
Foreman: *looking back in the fic* From the opposite side of the table, no less.
"Oh yeah and if you really want me to be that disappointment for you, here more to show just how much of a failure I am." House stood his face was red and he was screaming by now. Everyone in the resturant was looking at their table. Chase sat back in his seat smiling to himself, For once House was yelling and it wasn't directed at him. "Let's count my flaws why don't we... I'm an addict, I'm gay, I'm not a very nice person, hell I am a down right bastard."
John: Any new lovely ladies in your life?
House: Dad. I have to tell you -
John: What?
House: I’ve wanted to say this for so long.
Blythe: Sweetheart?
Wilson: *interrupting* House is trying to tell you he’s gay.
Blythe: Well, of course you are, dear.
House: Wilson, that’s not-- What?!?
John: Known since you were fourteen. When you brought your boyfriend Chris around.
House: Chris was a girl! Short for Christine!
John: *snorts* Yeah, right. With a knowledge of sports like that?
House: A girl can’t be athletic?
Blythe: Sweetheart, it was really Chris’s Adam’s apple that gave it away.
House: Are you forgetting Stacy? The woman I lived with?
Blythe: Every boy experiments. It’s all right, Greg.
House: If you think I’m gay, why do you always ask me if I have any new women in my life?
John: Eh, form’s sake. You wanted to be in the closet, we weren’t going to “out” you.
Everyone gawked at him with open mouths, except for Wilson who held his head in his hands and was staring at the floor.
"You're a what?" House's father's face was just as red as House's.
"Not a nice person? Oh you mean gay. Yeah this is me coming out as your GAY, HANDICAP, DRUG ADDICTED son."
Chase: “I love my dead gay son!”
Foreman: Might be the only way House’s dad would love him.
Cameron: You’re such a cynic, Foreman. And why does House need to “come out” as handicapped? Everyone’s known that since it happened.
Still noone moved.
Cameron: Who’s Noone?
Foreman: Chase’s imaginary friend.
Chase: Foreman, you said you’d never tell. *pouts*
"Greg, are you sure?" House's mother questioned. He sat back down and calmed his tone before addressing his mother.
"Yes mom. And I've met someone." House spoke before he thought.
"Who?" Everyone inquired.
"You don't knwo him." He said like a little kid.
Foreman: Like a gay little kid.
Chase: Is “knwo” Amer-
Cameron: Knock it off!
Wilson looked up and finally joined the converstaion. "Just tell them."
"I don't want to..." House fought back.
"It's me. Greg and I are together."
"Oh sure, steal my spotlight. You always have to be center of attention." House pretended to pout as everyone looked on in disbelief.
Blythe: So, James. When can we expect grandchildren?
Wilson: What?
John: None of us are getting any younger, son.
House: It’s a touchy subject with Wilson because he’s impotent.
Wilson: I said sterile. And shut it.
Blythe: Oh, I know, dear. James’s mother told me. But adoption is just as good an option as surrogacy.
John: Might even be faster. Though to be safe, maybe just James should apply, seeing as how he doesn’t have the motorcycle, the drugs, and the bad attitude.
House: Yeah, thanks for that, Dad.
Wilson: Wait! Blythe, you’ve talked to my mother?
Blythe: At least once a month, so we can share the latest information on you two.
John: Neither of you call your mothers often enough!
Blythe: And Evelyn is so sweet. She says we’re the closest of any of the in-laws you’ve produced, James, dear. I told her, of course, with the tight relationship our boys have how could we be anything but close?
House and Wilson: *groan*
John: Your father’s a fine hunter, too. Good with a gun.
Wilson: You went hunting with my father?
John: And your brother. He couldn’t bag a sack of groceries, but your father’s good.
House set back and looked at each person. The only person who didn't look uncomfortable was Chase who was sitting back in his seat laughing to himself about the fact he almost missed this.
"Well this was fun. Must do it again sometime. I"m leaving, Jimmy?"
Foreman: If House is asking Wilson to come with him, that should be a period after “leaving.”
Cameron: The double quote in “I’m” is kind of cute.
"I guess I'm going too." Wilson opened his wallet and put enough money on the table to pay for everyone, and then he followed House out of the resturant.
Cameron: Free meal on Wilson!
Chase: With a floor show thrown in. Sweet! Too bad you missed it, Foreman.
Foreman: Yeah, too bad I had a date and spectacular sex and everything.
"You didn't have to tell them."
"Why not you already did. Now we don't have to be so secretive." Wilson reached over and grabbed House's hand as they walked. It felt good holding House's hand in public. Whilson knew he could get used to it.
Foreman: Whilson with an “h” - that’s just perfect.
Cameron: Even if they came out to his parents, do you think House would let Wilson hold his hand in public?
Chase: Not in a million years.
The END
All: Thank GOD.
Well what did you think? REVIEW PLEASE?!
House and Wilson are walking back to Wilson’s car after dinner.
House: You know, if our parents think we’re together, probably other people do too.
Wilson: Cameron does send us a joint Christmas card.
House: Judy from HR keeps sending me info on domestic partner benefits.
Wilson: And the cafeteria staff have quit asking me if we’re separate or together.
House: So, maybe we should just be together.
Wilson: Are you nuts?
House: It makes sense. We’d save on rent and stuff, and we’d have the right to refuse to testify against each other, once the New Jersey law passes.
Wilson: That might come in handy.
House: And to tell the truth, we’re the only ones who can put up with that much of each other.
Wilson: We’re both straight.
House: Eh, married couples have crappy sex lives anyway. Or have you blocked that out?
Wilson: Crappy sex life, not non-existent sex life.
House: *raises eyebrow*
Wilson: OK, death throes of the marriage doesn’t count.
House: *shrugs* Push comes to shove, Paula gives a volume discount.
Wilson: You want us to get married and share a hooker?
House: What could be more intimate? It’d only bring us closer together, darling.
Wilson: I get her first.
House: We’ll alternate.
Wilson: I’m not putting you on my checking account.
House: My allowance is fine. You could get me an Amex card, though.
Wilson: I’ll think about it.
House: Jimmy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful domestic union.