MST: House and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Something fun from the Pit of Voles. House is not having a good day. Wilson the slut, however, is doing fine. So is Cuddy. And Chase is quite memorable in his one small scene.
Cuddy, Wilson, and House are in the Diagnostics Conference Room. Cuddy is doing her nails. Wilson is doing his nails. House is searching the Internet for bad!fic.
Wilson: Pass me that emery board.
Cuddy: I could do a butterfly on your pinkie if you want.
Wilson: Nah. But I did a cool flower on my big toe the other day. Want to see?
Cuddy: That’s not a flower. It’s a heart with something written in it. *peers closer* I think that’s a G…
Wilson: Um, oops, wrong foot. Here’s the flower.
House: All right, I think I have one. Gather ‘round.
Disclaimer - All original characters, themes, and etcetera from my mind are mine. Ergo, the rest is not.
House: Remember that. Anything original we see in this fic is property of the author.
Cuddy: So you’re saying nothing we see will be the property of the author.
House: That’s my expectation, yes.
Summary - What can House do to save his life when he’s stuck Down Deep?
Wilson: Is this a porn fic?
House: Oh, I hope so.
Wilson: I’m pretty sure getting “stuck down deep” means you’re bottoming.
House: I have no problem with that.
Wilson: Seriously? You mean all this time, you’ve been making me take care of myself, when you would have let me… You suck, House!
House: If you’d asked, I would have done that, too.
Wilson: Argggghhhh!
Cuddy: He’s never bottomed for you? He bottomed for me the first night.
House: Shhh!
Wilson: House!
A/N - I got this idea yesterday night before I conked out from the medicine I was given (I am really sick right now) and I didn’t want to lose it so here it is!
House: So do we blame the suckiness on the medicine or the illness? Wilson? Wilson, stop sulking.
Wilson: I’m not sulking.
Cuddy: I vote for the medicine.
House: I vote for the illness.
Wilson: *sulking*
Onwards!
House: Tally ho! Pip pip and whatnot!
Cuddy: That British accent is worse than Wilson’s Australian.
Wilson: Hey!
House: Are you sure? It just comes so naturally to me…
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House groaned and cat-stretched.
Wilson: House, are you doing yoga?
House: That would be a no.
His hand was half-way to the alarm clock when he realized it wasn’t ringing. “What?” he mumbled to himself as he checked the time. 11:28 a.m. Oh shit. He was screwed. Wait. Why were the numbers beeping?
Cuddy: The numbers were beeping?
Wilson: Aural hallucinations are not a good sign.
The power must have shut off during the night.
House dragged himself out of bed and went through his morning routine. He brushed his teeth, went pee, got dressed and had breakfast.
Cuddy: You don’t shower in the morning?
House: Not when someone uses up all the hot water singing the whole damn repertoire from Bare.
Wilson: Shut up.
Well, that would be a normal persons morning routine. Here’s how it really went:
House dragged his ass out of bed and tripped on a pair of pants he had carelessly thrown on the floor the previous night. Cursing a stream of obscenities, he used the bed to stand up. He picked up the dirty jeans, shrugged, and slipped them on. Then he went pee and brushed his teeth.
Wilson: “Went pee.” Apparently you’re three in this fic. Impressive knowledge of obscenities for a three-year old.
House: Knock it off, poopyhead.
When he limped out of the bathroom, he rummaged around his kitchen for something, anything, to eat. After spotting a bag of peaches from 2003, he gave it up as a bad job.
Cuddy: A bag of peaches? Since when are peaches sold in a bag?
Wilson: And from 2003? Are they…historical peaches?
I’ll get something on the way to work. He thought. Oh shit! Work! He hadn’t come to work this late in a while,
Cuddy: 11:30? You came in later than that yesterday.
and as much as he hated to admit it, he actually didn’t like being yelled at.
House: Except when Wilson does it.
Wilson: House!
House: Or Cuddy, on leather and whips night.
Cuddy: House!
He was almost at the door when he realized he still had no shirt. He pulled on a Rolling Stones T-shirt and a suit jacket. He grabbed his cane and limped towards the door.
House: Wait a minute. I walked around the apartment that whole time without my cane? And after tripping and falling after I got out of bed? I must be back on the morphine.
Cuddy & Wilson: What morphine?
House: Did I say morphine? I meant codeine.
He went all the way to the sidewalk before remembering that he had forgotten his keys and cell-phone. He went all the way back, slipped them in his pocket, and again went all the way back to the sidewalk and hopped up on his motorcycle.
House: Well, morphine can make you spacy.
Cuddy & Wilson: What morphine?!?
House: Did I say morphine? I meant codeine.
He started it up but it wouldn’t move. Damn it! A popped tire. Everything is going wrong today! he thought viciously.
He called Wilson.
“House! Cuddy is breathing fire!
House: Dragon!Cuddy is the coolest.
Cuddy: Rooohhhhhrrrr!
Why aren’t you in?” he yelled.
House was unsurprised that his friend had started right in on the scolding. “It’s good to hear from you too! Why thanks! I am doing quite sucky!”
Wilson: *muttering* Not doing the sucky for me…
“What? Just get here now! And you haven’t answered my question! Why aren’t you in?”
“Murphy’s Law. Power went out, so my alarm didn’t go off, forgot everything, and my bike has a popped tire. Can you pick me up and drive me to work? Because I didn’t call you to get reamed you know!”
Wilson: *muttering* Never calls me to get reamed…
“What? No! It’s already noon and I have a consult starting! It’s not my fault! Take a bus, a taxi, just get yourself in! She’s here! Bye House! See you at work!
Cuddy: (as Wilson) Oh my god! It’s so exciting!
Wilson: I can barely breathe! Due to the excitement!
“Wait, I -” House started to protest but Wilson had hung up on him. He sighed. Okay! I’ll take the damn taxi!
Bad mistake.
Cuddy: Just like agreeing to read this fic.
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Wilson left his office after his ‘consult’ . Actually, he just wanted to have some ‘alone time’ with Cuddy, who walked in the door.
Cuddy: You want to have ‘alone time’ with me?
Wilson: Or maybe just your chest. Oh, did I say that out loud?
“It’s been an hour. He’s not here yet.” she said
“Yeah, that is a little strange...” he voiced his thoughts vaguely. But he was really just feeling pleased after the make-out session he had just had with Cuddy.
House: An hour alone with Cuddy and all you did was make out? You either have incredible restraint…
Cuddy: *snicker snicker*
Cuddy & House: *guffaw guffaw*
Wilson: Shut up, both of you.
House: Or else you’re a teenager again. Due to the breathy exclamations earlier -
Wilson: Hey, you’d never done that thing with your tongue before…
Cuddy: *eyeroll*
House: I mean your exclamations earlier in the fic. They lead me to think you’re a teenager again.
“Should we be worried?”
“Nawww, he probably went back to sleep knowing him.” now, after his pleasure was wearing off, he was starting to feel slightly worried for his best friend. “Lets grab lunch.” he suggested. And the pair left for the cafeteria.
House: That is quite the concern for me you’re showing there.
Wilson: I can worry and eat at the same time.
Cuddy: I thought I had an entendre for that, but really I don’t.
On the way over they passed Cameron, Foreman, and Chase.
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“I am so bored.” drawled Chase, “It’s not even funny.”
Cuddy: Hey, just like this fic!
Foreman wrinkled his nose. “Why would it be funny? And what did you eat?”
Cameron did the same. “Aww, Chase!” she pinched her nose and continued talking.
All: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Wilson is laughing so hard that he falls to the floor. Cuddy has to wipe tears from her eyes.
House: Oh, man, there is nothing like a random fart reference.
“Why is House so late?”
“Beats me.” said Chase, the only one not covering a nose.
Wilson: *still on floor* Oh, I’m in pain. Please make it stop.
“I’ll ask Wilson about it later.” Cameron decided.
Cuddy: *examining House’s neck*
House: What are you doing?
Cuddy: Looking for the tracking collar Wilson put on you.
House: I only wear that collar on leather and whips night.
Cuddy: *eyebrow raise*
House: The tracker is a microchip. In my ass cheek.
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“Okay, I’m pretty sure it does not take an hour to drive to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.” House stated, annoyed. He could see water in the distance. They were definitely no where near the PPTH.
House: At mid-day, an hour out of Princeton gets you almost all the way to New York, Philly, or the shore. Was I sleeping? Why didn’t I notice this earlier? Must have been the morph - I mean, codeine.
“Aye, but we ain’t goin’ to a hospital.”
Cuddy: Pirate or plain Sea Captain?
House & Wilson: Sea Captain.
“WHAT? Turn around right now!” he screamed. They were speeding out of control and they sped off onto a rickety old dock that hadn’t been used in years; they were demolishing it as they hurtled through, and before House had time to think - It was all over.
House: The fic? Thank God.
Wilson: They don’t mean the fic. Unfortunately.
WHAM!
Cuddy: Sound effects. Clever.
They crashed into the water, and House watched horrified, as the blue-green liquid rose well above his windows.
They were sinking, down, down, down. Damn Murphy’s Law!
Wilson: I’m pretty sure Murphy’s Law doesn’t include intentional acts of violence.
House: Oh, but what do you know? You haven’t written two whole fanfics.
Wilson: Well, not exactly two, no.
House: *eyebrow raise*
Cuddy: LOTR, Harry Potter, or B:TVS?
Wilson: Please. Battlestar Galactica. Old series.
The driver and the passenger were stuck there; down deep.
Cuddy: They’re stuck, but we’re free because the fic’s over! Ha ha, fic!House; have fun drowning!
House: Hey - No, you’re right. Fic!me can bite it.
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How was my first chapter? I didn’t like it very much, but I hope you do.
Wilson: You know, author, if you don’t like it, there’s no way in hell we’re gonna like it.
You know the drill; R&R.
Wilson: R&R?
House: Rest and relaxation?
Cuddy: I think it’s supposed to mean read and review.
House: If we’re at the end, we’ve obviously already read it. So it should just be R.
Wilson: Hey, I have a different set of letters for you two. How about B & D?
Cuddy: And of course S & M.
House: H & Y.
Wilson & Cuddy: What?
House: Hell and Yeah. Let’s get leather and whips night underway. Cuddy’s office, here we come!
Cuddy, Wilson, and House are in the Diagnostics Conference Room. Cuddy is doing her nails. Wilson is doing his nails. House is searching the Internet for bad!fic.
Wilson: Pass me that emery board.
Cuddy: I could do a butterfly on your pinkie if you want.
Wilson: Nah. But I did a cool flower on my big toe the other day. Want to see?
Cuddy: That’s not a flower. It’s a heart with something written in it. *peers closer* I think that’s a G…
Wilson: Um, oops, wrong foot. Here’s the flower.
House: All right, I think I have one. Gather ‘round.
Disclaimer - All original characters, themes, and etcetera from my mind are mine. Ergo, the rest is not.
House: Remember that. Anything original we see in this fic is property of the author.
Cuddy: So you’re saying nothing we see will be the property of the author.
House: That’s my expectation, yes.
Summary - What can House do to save his life when he’s stuck Down Deep?
Wilson: Is this a porn fic?
House: Oh, I hope so.
Wilson: I’m pretty sure getting “stuck down deep” means you’re bottoming.
House: I have no problem with that.
Wilson: Seriously? You mean all this time, you’ve been making me take care of myself, when you would have let me… You suck, House!
House: If you’d asked, I would have done that, too.
Wilson: Argggghhhh!
Cuddy: He’s never bottomed for you? He bottomed for me the first night.
House: Shhh!
Wilson: House!
A/N - I got this idea yesterday night before I conked out from the medicine I was given (I am really sick right now) and I didn’t want to lose it so here it is!
House: So do we blame the suckiness on the medicine or the illness? Wilson? Wilson, stop sulking.
Wilson: I’m not sulking.
Cuddy: I vote for the medicine.
House: I vote for the illness.
Wilson: *sulking*
Onwards!
House: Tally ho! Pip pip and whatnot!
Cuddy: That British accent is worse than Wilson’s Australian.
Wilson: Hey!
House: Are you sure? It just comes so naturally to me…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
House groaned and cat-stretched.
Wilson: House, are you doing yoga?
House: That would be a no.
His hand was half-way to the alarm clock when he realized it wasn’t ringing. “What?” he mumbled to himself as he checked the time. 11:28 a.m. Oh shit. He was screwed. Wait. Why were the numbers beeping?
Cuddy: The numbers were beeping?
Wilson: Aural hallucinations are not a good sign.
The power must have shut off during the night.
House dragged himself out of bed and went through his morning routine. He brushed his teeth, went pee, got dressed and had breakfast.
Cuddy: You don’t shower in the morning?
House: Not when someone uses up all the hot water singing the whole damn repertoire from Bare.
Wilson: Shut up.
Well, that would be a normal persons morning routine. Here’s how it really went:
House dragged his ass out of bed and tripped on a pair of pants he had carelessly thrown on the floor the previous night. Cursing a stream of obscenities, he used the bed to stand up. He picked up the dirty jeans, shrugged, and slipped them on. Then he went pee and brushed his teeth.
Wilson: “Went pee.” Apparently you’re three in this fic. Impressive knowledge of obscenities for a three-year old.
House: Knock it off, poopyhead.
When he limped out of the bathroom, he rummaged around his kitchen for something, anything, to eat. After spotting a bag of peaches from 2003, he gave it up as a bad job.
Cuddy: A bag of peaches? Since when are peaches sold in a bag?
Wilson: And from 2003? Are they…historical peaches?
I’ll get something on the way to work. He thought. Oh shit! Work! He hadn’t come to work this late in a while,
Cuddy: 11:30? You came in later than that yesterday.
and as much as he hated to admit it, he actually didn’t like being yelled at.
House: Except when Wilson does it.
Wilson: House!
House: Or Cuddy, on leather and whips night.
Cuddy: House!
He was almost at the door when he realized he still had no shirt. He pulled on a Rolling Stones T-shirt and a suit jacket. He grabbed his cane and limped towards the door.
House: Wait a minute. I walked around the apartment that whole time without my cane? And after tripping and falling after I got out of bed? I must be back on the morphine.
Cuddy & Wilson: What morphine?
House: Did I say morphine? I meant codeine.
He went all the way to the sidewalk before remembering that he had forgotten his keys and cell-phone. He went all the way back, slipped them in his pocket, and again went all the way back to the sidewalk and hopped up on his motorcycle.
House: Well, morphine can make you spacy.
Cuddy & Wilson: What morphine?!?
House: Did I say morphine? I meant codeine.
He started it up but it wouldn’t move. Damn it! A popped tire. Everything is going wrong today! he thought viciously.
He called Wilson.
“House! Cuddy is breathing fire!
House: Dragon!Cuddy is the coolest.
Cuddy: Rooohhhhhrrrr!
Why aren’t you in?” he yelled.
House was unsurprised that his friend had started right in on the scolding. “It’s good to hear from you too! Why thanks! I am doing quite sucky!”
Wilson: *muttering* Not doing the sucky for me…
“What? Just get here now! And you haven’t answered my question! Why aren’t you in?”
“Murphy’s Law. Power went out, so my alarm didn’t go off, forgot everything, and my bike has a popped tire. Can you pick me up and drive me to work? Because I didn’t call you to get reamed you know!”
Wilson: *muttering* Never calls me to get reamed…
“What? No! It’s already noon and I have a consult starting! It’s not my fault! Take a bus, a taxi, just get yourself in! She’s here! Bye House! See you at work!
Cuddy: (as Wilson) Oh my god! It’s so exciting!
Wilson: I can barely breathe! Due to the excitement!
“Wait, I -” House started to protest but Wilson had hung up on him. He sighed. Okay! I’ll take the damn taxi!
Bad mistake.
Cuddy: Just like agreeing to read this fic.
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Wilson left his office after his ‘consult’ . Actually, he just wanted to have some ‘alone time’ with Cuddy, who walked in the door.
Cuddy: You want to have ‘alone time’ with me?
Wilson: Or maybe just your chest. Oh, did I say that out loud?
“It’s been an hour. He’s not here yet.” she said
“Yeah, that is a little strange...” he voiced his thoughts vaguely. But he was really just feeling pleased after the make-out session he had just had with Cuddy.
House: An hour alone with Cuddy and all you did was make out? You either have incredible restraint…
Cuddy: *snicker snicker*
Cuddy & House: *guffaw guffaw*
Wilson: Shut up, both of you.
House: Or else you’re a teenager again. Due to the breathy exclamations earlier -
Wilson: Hey, you’d never done that thing with your tongue before…
Cuddy: *eyeroll*
House: I mean your exclamations earlier in the fic. They lead me to think you’re a teenager again.
“Should we be worried?”
“Nawww, he probably went back to sleep knowing him.” now, after his pleasure was wearing off, he was starting to feel slightly worried for his best friend. “Lets grab lunch.” he suggested. And the pair left for the cafeteria.
House: That is quite the concern for me you’re showing there.
Wilson: I can worry and eat at the same time.
Cuddy: I thought I had an entendre for that, but really I don’t.
On the way over they passed Cameron, Foreman, and Chase.
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“I am so bored.” drawled Chase, “It’s not even funny.”
Cuddy: Hey, just like this fic!
Foreman wrinkled his nose. “Why would it be funny? And what did you eat?”
Cameron did the same. “Aww, Chase!” she pinched her nose and continued talking.
All: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Wilson is laughing so hard that he falls to the floor. Cuddy has to wipe tears from her eyes.
House: Oh, man, there is nothing like a random fart reference.
“Why is House so late?”
“Beats me.” said Chase, the only one not covering a nose.
Wilson: *still on floor* Oh, I’m in pain. Please make it stop.
“I’ll ask Wilson about it later.” Cameron decided.
Cuddy: *examining House’s neck*
House: What are you doing?
Cuddy: Looking for the tracking collar Wilson put on you.
House: I only wear that collar on leather and whips night.
Cuddy: *eyebrow raise*
House: The tracker is a microchip. In my ass cheek.
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“Okay, I’m pretty sure it does not take an hour to drive to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.” House stated, annoyed. He could see water in the distance. They were definitely no where near the PPTH.
House: At mid-day, an hour out of Princeton gets you almost all the way to New York, Philly, or the shore. Was I sleeping? Why didn’t I notice this earlier? Must have been the morph - I mean, codeine.
“Aye, but we ain’t goin’ to a hospital.”
Cuddy: Pirate or plain Sea Captain?
House & Wilson: Sea Captain.
“WHAT? Turn around right now!” he screamed. They were speeding out of control and they sped off onto a rickety old dock that hadn’t been used in years; they were demolishing it as they hurtled through, and before House had time to think - It was all over.
House: The fic? Thank God.
Wilson: They don’t mean the fic. Unfortunately.
WHAM!
Cuddy: Sound effects. Clever.
They crashed into the water, and House watched horrified, as the blue-green liquid rose well above his windows.
They were sinking, down, down, down. Damn Murphy’s Law!
Wilson: I’m pretty sure Murphy’s Law doesn’t include intentional acts of violence.
House: Oh, but what do you know? You haven’t written two whole fanfics.
Wilson: Well, not exactly two, no.
House: *eyebrow raise*
Cuddy: LOTR, Harry Potter, or B:TVS?
Wilson: Please. Battlestar Galactica. Old series.
The driver and the passenger were stuck there; down deep.
Cuddy: They’re stuck, but we’re free because the fic’s over! Ha ha, fic!House; have fun drowning!
House: Hey - No, you’re right. Fic!me can bite it.
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How was my first chapter? I didn’t like it very much, but I hope you do.
Wilson: You know, author, if you don’t like it, there’s no way in hell we’re gonna like it.
You know the drill; R&R.
Wilson: R&R?
House: Rest and relaxation?
Cuddy: I think it’s supposed to mean read and review.
House: If we’re at the end, we’ve obviously already read it. So it should just be R.
Wilson: Hey, I have a different set of letters for you two. How about B & D?
Cuddy: And of course S & M.
House: H & Y.
Wilson & Cuddy: What?
House: Hell and Yeah. Let’s get leather and whips night underway. Cuddy’s office, here we come!