Seeker 2x09 ‘Dark’ Cracky Recap
So I caved and visited fidesangelus's Seeker In Stick Figures recap just now before having seen the ep. I decided it would be too spoilery to actually read so I just skimmed the pictures. AND LET ME TELL YOU: WAS LAUGHING AT MY SCREEEEEEEN. The lack of context made the random fandom that little bit more random, y'know.
Um, WARNINGS for blood coming out of people's eyes?
On with the sexy show, henceforth known as LEGEND OF THE SEEKER 2.0.
VERNA: Palace, sweet palace *SNIFFF* … I'm sorry did I just get some emotion on your shoes?
RICHARD: >.>
RICHARD: ARGH I'M STUCK IN A ZOOM FILTER.
“Verna, you have more emotions than Cara. I'm blowing this popsicle stand.”
This… is not the Madonna film clip I had been hoping for.
Btw, what would you call columns that don't actually hold up anything? Superfulous? :P
SISTERS OF THE LIGHT: *are literally standing in the darkness*
Let me bold-print, underline and capslock this so my meaning is not missed: HMMM.
Oh creepy, the Sisters call their prayers ‘devotions’ the same as the D'Haran's call their prayers to Lord Rahl ‘devotions’.
Also, don't you just love the way the Prelate's habit is kind of pale and wrinkly like her face?
FRELLLLL! THOSE GUYS WHO WERE AFTER RIVER IN FIREFLY ARE HERE! *runs away*
Eeeew. Remember to wash, kids!
SISTER PHILOMENA: A Wizard?! OMFGGG SQUEEE!
RICHARD: *fake-smiles*
HOLY CRAP SHE'S A FANGIRL RICHARD, LOOKOUT!
…OH GOD SHE HAS A SILVER SHARPIE, RUNNNNN.
Oh no, her hands are empty, phew.
Note to members of the Seeker cast and crew: Should a young blonde Australian woman who is me accost you in this manner, please do humour her-she only wants to a) touch your hair if you happen to be Bridget Regan b) touch your abs if you happen to be Craig Horner c) touch your ‘feelings’ if you're Tabrett Bethell.
Separated at birth D:
SISTER MY-NAME-SOUNDS-LIKE-A-VENEREAL-DISEASE PHILOMENA: So many poor souls in need of the Creator's light, so little time, y'know? *crazy eyes*
Another YouTube fanvid mask LOOOOOOOOL. Like, any second now an Enya song is going to start playing, I shit you not.
What's wrong with you? You're all… soggy. And fondling Richard's sword.
I miss Richard. And his abs. And that part where his abs meet his hips. Mostly his abs.
(Kahlan's obviously using a fantastic waterproof mascara from L'Oréal Midlands because her makeup still looks trés chic)
…Why would you miss Richard when I'm still here? I have abs. And that part where my abs meets my hips… that's nice too.
KAHLAN: *pauses to consider that part where Cara's abs meets her hips before asking-* …Don't you have feelings?
. . . Feel-ings? Is that Confessor-speak for LAMESAUCE?
Sexiness, lip gloss, leather, making men cry… these are a few of my favourite things.
Cara is leaving this conversation now.
Okay so. Lots of very wise people have been talking about how OOC this scene is for both Kahlan and Cara, what with Kahlan being weepy in front of Cara (NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS, RIGHT?) and Cara HOPING THAT ZEDD IS OKAY?? Yeah. I'm on team WTF with you guys. BUT. The whole emotions conversation is kind of superfabulous so let's give them 1 star for trying? ★☆☆☆☆
SHOTA YAAAAAAAY!! *whips out hollywoodgrrl's Shota gif*
WTF ANOTHER DIVINING BASIN UPGRADE. Magical materialism: she has it! Shota's divining basins to date include:
✓ Original Divining Basin
✓ Divining Pool Plus
✓ Eco Divining Log (she had to take her White Witch coat to Cash Convertors for that one)
✓ Devining iRiver
SHOTA: Because I'm smart and you're dumb, my coat is big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.
ZEDD: D:
Love how these two are essentially the rulers of the Seeker-verse. It's like Zedd is Zeus and Shota is Hera and they are super powerful but spend more time squabbling and being all UST than actually helping anyone with their PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWAAARS.
NICCI: If you're here for 1 year-
RICHARD: Kahlan will have aged ten years?!!! I SHOULD HAVE SLEPT WITH HER THAT ONE-WELL, SEVERAL-TIMES!
And then they find a secluded nook where Nicci touches his “han”. No really, I'm not making this up.
And then they stare at each others' lips for a while. O_O Guys, your eyes are UP THERE.
VERNA: The creator herself gives us these prophecies to guide our actions.
The Creator is a woman! Actually, we knew this already :P
VERNA: And finally the last and most important prophecy. Our scholars have interpreted this to mean that Legend of the Seeker will have a third season.
That - is not Richard's tush.
Also, you could crochet a Seeker quilt from the hair on that man's chest.
Edit: You must see fidesangelus's addition to this → It's AMAZING.
What's with all the leather, man? He and Cara are definitely gonna get along.
(LOL HE HAS A GAY LILT TO HIS WALK IN THAT FIRST CAP.)
SEEKER v2.0: You mean I really am special? *eyebrows cry*
HAHAA. Just NO.
And then Kahlan's hair is all “Hi, nice to meet you, I'm awesomely mussed. You must be Not As Awesome As Richard?”
Seriously though, there's some sexy hair schuuzching going on thar.
And then Kahlan is all OH NO RICHARD'S NOT DEAD HE'S JUST BUSY PLAYING WITH HIS HAN IN A CONVENT OF NUNS and Zedd's all <.<
SEEKER v2.0: How can you read this? There's no pictures!
AND THEN! AND THEN!!!!
Cara is all like “Oh hell. I guess in this situation Kahlan would say sorry… so… I'm sorry about your neck…” NOT!
He's so buff that his arms can't even rest by his sides. I bet he even squeaks when he swings them!
ZEDD: And though the forces of evil are sworn to bring about your death, still will you go on with these two nubile women and their sexay weapons by your side?
BEEFCAKE: PLZ AND THANK YOU.
BAU CHIKA BAU-BAUW
BEEFCAKE: Need a hand?
CARA: No. But if you try help me again you might need a replacement one.
It had to be gif'd. Mostly because HOLY WOW. How badass is Bridget getting at her choreography!! She's been gradually knitting together longer and longer sequences and now we're getting TRIPLE HIGH-SCORE COMBOS like this one! 1up! 1up! 1up! JUST. AWESOME. TOO MUCH FUN TO WATCH.
The girls save the day with their hair while the boys kind of try to help?
Cara is concerned. This guy couldn't fight his way out of a Christmas sale.
CARA: Honey, don't give up your day job.
And then stuff happened to Richard.
THE PRELATE: How did you find the Rada'Han?
RICHARD: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
Book note: This is mighty preferential to bestiality!
And a much as our illustrious guest star seems the polar opposite of book!Nicci in manner AND appearance, I do give Jolene mad props for carrying the dramatic dialogue pretty darn well.
BEEFCAKE: So… you like stuff?
CARA: *is restraining the urge to put this pickup line out of it's misery*
BEEFCAKE: Could you train a chipmunk?
CARA: Could you take a hint?!? Make like a tree and get the hell outta my personal space.
Well okay, it was a cute exchange, if not a bit schmaltzy. But I am having issues with Leo. He's known Cara for what, a couple of days? And he's already trying to get into her unitard!
And then Cara goes to bed. WITH KAHLAN!
pirateygoodness wins the internetwebs for her description of the moment: “. . . . . .AND THEN THEY SPOONED.”
Hahahahaaaaa, so much!
Richard is concerned that the Sisters are not observing OH&S standards.
Cara interrupts Leo before he hurts himself, and then promptly saves his ass from one of the Less-Light Sisters BUT HER HAIR IS TAKEN AS COLLATERAL DAMAGE! :( Not a fair trade IMHO.
AND THEN KAHLAN IS LIKE “IT HAS BEEN 300 YEARS SINCE YOUR LAST CONFESSION, BIATCH!” AND THE SISTER IS ALL “ABORT ABORT!”
IS ANYBODY ELSE HAVING REALLY AWESOME FLASHBACKS?
LULZ ORGASM FACES. Richard's han must be as magical as his semen!
And then Deep Thought, nestled in the Hall of Prophecy within the Department of Mysteries announces:
“DUE TO POPULAR OPINION I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND. IT IS NOW KAHLAN AMNELL WHO IS THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE. SHE WILL HAVE POWER THE KEEPER KNOWS NOT… EITHER MUST DIE AT THE HAND OF THE OTHER FOR NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER SURVIVES. ALSO, IF THE ANSWER IS 42, THEN THE QUESTION IS KAHLAN. OVER AND OUT.”
NEW PROPHECY!!!!!
“As long as the Mother Confessor's pure heat beats, the Keeper is doomed to fail.”
The way I see it, Kahlan's going to be killed and everyone will be like ALL HOPE IS LOST! But then Cara will bring her back to life with a sexy kiss and Kahlan's awesomeness will cause Richard's thing to rise up in him so he can TKO the Keeper.
PS: THERE IS NOTHING ‘PURE’ ABOUT THIS OUTFIT.
THE END.
Edit: NEXT WEEK PICCIES!
And now, it's your turn: porno music slash comment time! Nat = the bomb.
Browse the Legend of the Seeker
Cracky Recaps archive HERE
Um, WARNINGS for blood coming out of people's eyes?
On with the sexy show, henceforth known as LEGEND OF THE SEEKER 2.0.
VERNA: Palace, sweet palace *SNIFFF* … I'm sorry did I just get some emotion on your shoes?
RICHARD: >.>
RICHARD: ARGH I'M STUCK IN A ZOOM FILTER.
“Verna, you have more emotions than Cara. I'm blowing this popsicle stand.”
This… is not the Madonna film clip I had been hoping for.
Btw, what would you call columns that don't actually hold up anything? Superfulous? :P
SISTERS OF THE LIGHT: *are literally standing in the darkness*
Let me bold-print, underline and capslock this so my meaning is not missed: HMMM.
Oh creepy, the Sisters call their prayers ‘devotions’ the same as the D'Haran's call their prayers to Lord Rahl ‘devotions’.
Also, don't you just love the way the Prelate's habit is kind of pale and wrinkly like her face?
FRELLLLL! THOSE GUYS WHO WERE AFTER RIVER IN FIREFLY ARE HERE! *runs away*
Eeeew. Remember to wash, kids!
SISTER PHILOMENA: A Wizard?! OMFGGG SQUEEE!
RICHARD: *fake-smiles*
HOLY CRAP SHE'S A FANGIRL RICHARD, LOOKOUT!
…OH GOD SHE HAS A SILVER SHARPIE, RUNNNNN.
Oh no, her hands are empty, phew.
Note to members of the Seeker cast and crew: Should a young blonde Australian woman who is me accost you in this manner, please do humour her-she only wants to a) touch your hair if you happen to be Bridget Regan b) touch your abs if you happen to be Craig Horner c) touch your ‘feelings’ if you're Tabrett Bethell.
Separated at birth D:
SISTER MY-NAME-SOUNDS-LIKE-A-VENEREAL-DISEASE PHILOMENA: So many poor souls in need of the Creator's light, so little time, y'know? *crazy eyes*
Another YouTube fanvid mask LOOOOOOOOL. Like, any second now an Enya song is going to start playing, I shit you not.
What's wrong with you? You're all… soggy. And fondling Richard's sword.
I miss Richard. And his abs. And that part where his abs meet his hips. Mostly his abs.
(Kahlan's obviously using a fantastic waterproof mascara from L'Oréal Midlands because her makeup still looks trés chic)
…Why would you miss Richard when I'm still here? I have abs. And that part where my abs meets my hips… that's nice too.
KAHLAN: *pauses to consider that part where Cara's abs meets her hips before asking-* …Don't you have feelings?
. . . Feel-ings? Is that Confessor-speak for LAMESAUCE?
Sexiness, lip gloss, leather, making men cry… these are a few of my favourite things.
Cara is leaving this conversation now.
Okay so. Lots of very wise people have been talking about how OOC this scene is for both Kahlan and Cara, what with Kahlan being weepy in front of Cara (NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS, RIGHT?) and Cara HOPING THAT ZEDD IS OKAY?? Yeah. I'm on team WTF with you guys. BUT. The whole emotions conversation is kind of superfabulous so let's give them 1 star for trying? ★☆☆☆☆
SHOTA YAAAAAAAY!! *whips out hollywoodgrrl's Shota gif*
WTF ANOTHER DIVINING BASIN UPGRADE. Magical materialism: she has it! Shota's divining basins to date include:
✓ Original Divining Basin
✓ Divining Pool Plus
✓ Eco Divining Log (she had to take her White Witch coat to Cash Convertors for that one)
✓ Devining iRiver
SHOTA: Because I'm smart and you're dumb, my coat is big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.
ZEDD: D:
Love how these two are essentially the rulers of the Seeker-verse. It's like Zedd is Zeus and Shota is Hera and they are super powerful but spend more time squabbling and being all UST than actually helping anyone with their PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWAAARS.
NICCI: If you're here for 1 year-
RICHARD: Kahlan will have aged ten years?!!! I SHOULD HAVE SLEPT WITH HER THAT ONE-WELL, SEVERAL-TIMES!
And then they find a secluded nook where Nicci touches his “han”. No really, I'm not making this up.
And then they stare at each others' lips for a while. O_O Guys, your eyes are UP THERE.
VERNA: The creator herself gives us these prophecies to guide our actions.
The Creator is a woman! Actually, we knew this already :P
VERNA: And finally the last and most important prophecy. Our scholars have interpreted this to mean that Legend of the Seeker will have a third season.
That - is not Richard's tush.
Also, you could crochet a Seeker quilt from the hair on that man's chest.
Edit: You must see fidesangelus's addition to this → It's AMAZING.
What's with all the leather, man? He and Cara are definitely gonna get along.
(LOL HE HAS A GAY LILT TO HIS WALK IN THAT FIRST CAP.)
SEEKER v2.0: You mean I really am special? *eyebrows cry*
HAHAA. Just NO.
And then Kahlan's hair is all “Hi, nice to meet you, I'm awesomely mussed. You must be Not As Awesome As Richard?”
Seriously though, there's some sexy hair schuuzching going on thar.
And then Kahlan is all OH NO RICHARD'S NOT DEAD HE'S JUST BUSY PLAYING WITH HIS HAN IN A CONVENT OF NUNS and Zedd's all <.<
SEEKER v2.0: How can you read this? There's no pictures!
AND THEN! AND THEN!!!!
Cara is all like “Oh hell. I guess in this situation Kahlan would say sorry… so… I'm sorry about your neck…” NOT!
He's so buff that his arms can't even rest by his sides. I bet he even squeaks when he swings them!
ZEDD: And though the forces of evil are sworn to bring about your death, still will you go on with these two nubile women and their sexay weapons by your side?
BEEFCAKE: PLZ AND THANK YOU.
BAU CHIKA BAU-BAUW
BEEFCAKE: Need a hand?
CARA: No. But if you try help me again you might need a replacement one.
It had to be gif'd. Mostly because HOLY WOW. How badass is Bridget getting at her choreography!! She's been gradually knitting together longer and longer sequences and now we're getting TRIPLE HIGH-SCORE COMBOS like this one! 1up! 1up! 1up! JUST. AWESOME. TOO MUCH FUN TO WATCH.
The girls save the day with their hair while the boys kind of try to help?
Cara is concerned. This guy couldn't fight his way out of a Christmas sale.
CARA: Honey, don't give up your day job.
And then stuff happened to Richard.
THE PRELATE: How did you find the Rada'Han?
RICHARD: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
Book note: This is mighty preferential to bestiality!
And a much as our illustrious guest star seems the polar opposite of book!Nicci in manner AND appearance, I do give Jolene mad props for carrying the dramatic dialogue pretty darn well.
BEEFCAKE: So… you like stuff?
CARA: *is restraining the urge to put this pickup line out of it's misery*
BEEFCAKE: Could you train a chipmunk?
CARA: Could you take a hint?!? Make like a tree and get the hell outta my personal space.
Well okay, it was a cute exchange, if not a bit schmaltzy. But I am having issues with Leo. He's known Cara for what, a couple of days? And he's already trying to get into her unitard!
And then Cara goes to bed. WITH KAHLAN!
pirateygoodness wins the internetwebs for her description of the moment: “. . . . . .AND THEN THEY SPOONED.”
Hahahahaaaaa, so much!
Richard is concerned that the Sisters are not observing OH&S standards.
Cara interrupts Leo before he hurts himself, and then promptly saves his ass from one of the Less-Light Sisters BUT HER HAIR IS TAKEN AS COLLATERAL DAMAGE! :( Not a fair trade IMHO.
AND THEN KAHLAN IS LIKE “IT HAS BEEN 300 YEARS SINCE YOUR LAST CONFESSION, BIATCH!” AND THE SISTER IS ALL “ABORT ABORT!”
IS ANYBODY ELSE HAVING REALLY AWESOME FLASHBACKS?
LULZ ORGASM FACES. Richard's han must be as magical as his semen!
And then Deep Thought, nestled in the Hall of Prophecy within the Department of Mysteries announces:
“DUE TO POPULAR OPINION I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND. IT IS NOW KAHLAN AMNELL WHO IS THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE. SHE WILL HAVE POWER THE KEEPER KNOWS NOT… EITHER MUST DIE AT THE HAND OF THE OTHER FOR NEITHER CAN LIVE WHILE THE OTHER SURVIVES. ALSO, IF THE ANSWER IS 42, THEN THE QUESTION IS KAHLAN. OVER AND OUT.”
NEW PROPHECY!!!!!
“As long as the Mother Confessor's pure heat beats, the Keeper is doomed to fail.”
The way I see it, Kahlan's going to be killed and everyone will be like ALL HOPE IS LOST! But then Cara will bring her back to life with a sexy kiss and Kahlan's awesomeness will cause Richard's thing to rise up in him so he can TKO the Keeper.
PS: THERE IS NOTHING ‘PURE’ ABOUT THIS OUTFIT.
THE END.
Edit: NEXT WEEK PICCIES!
And now, it's your turn: porno music slash comment time! Nat = the bomb.
Browse the Legend of the Seeker
Cracky Recaps archive HERE