can someone wipe this stupid smile off my face, please?
Okay, so I return after another year and a half. As per my usual. But this has probably been the only constant thing in my life, besides breathing, for the past E L E V E N years. That's a 6th grader.
So I have this ridiculous smile on my face since the moment that I logged into my livejournal. As I embark on my 30th year of existence, have I finally reached a point of - dare I say it? - acceptance? Acceptance of what, exactly?
Of myself. My brain and all its magnificent beauty. I feel sincere about saying that, too. I only spend about 60 seconds glancing at the most recent entries and the smile that came across my face was priceless. Forgive me, if my creative writing, that I so effortlessly, used to be able to paint across the screen, is anything short of what I used to be. (I finally went back to school - writing is a fickle thing. I intend to stay true to my original writer-self that I always have been, here at this home of mine.)
If only, I could have some type of recorder permanently implanted in my brain to capture all of my most relevant thoughts. When I was a kid, I used to think that when you went to Heaven and it was time to review your life with God, upon admission, your life was drawn up in three different ways. I'll explain. First, I used to think that God brought out the 24/7 constant reel of your life. Every moment of your life, forever captured in this imaginary video. Next, a complete manuscript of every word ever spoken. And finally, a complete manuscript of every thought ever having. Fuck.
But on the bright side, I actually looked forward to the probability of reviewing the manuscript of every thought I ever had. As scary as that may seem, and it most certainly did frighten me, it also enticed me, too, because if such manuscript did exist, I was use to revisit some of the most deep, meaningful, meaningless, practical and impractical, everything that I am - thoughts. So many of which I wish I could capture and keep forever. If just what forever is to me. To my end, but not forever, forever. Maybe, just maybe, they could continue you on in some way. Even if dormant, but still existing.
So, it may actually be time to archive some of these oldies. I have to actually laugh at loud about that, (in my head, of course), because I never really understood why anyone would ever do that. And maybe I still don't know why for sure. Or if I'm doing it for the "appropriate" reason, whatever that/they might be. However, I do feel compelled. Heck, who knows... I might actually read them, finally.
I always tried to go back from the beginning, start there, and work my way back to the present. I'm not sure if that will be the approach for this task. Hell, I'm not even sure what my exact approach will be, now that I'm really giving it some thought. Well, we will see. As for right now, I need to be back here, doing this. This, that has always been a special part of me. A part that I'm finally proud of. To the point of allowing any regular ol' schmoe...? Yeah, I think not. I mean, I stand my very original stance of insecurity I've had since day one: as long as I don't know that people are reading it, but rather, that it IS being read without my knowing it, is the only think I (think) I desire. Whatever, anyways.
In the next 24 hours, I'll need to humble myself down to a level I never once considered. I'm about to start my next English class, and my first assignment is four parts. Two of which are video submissions - of myself! Oh, and did I mention that this class officially on Monday. That is also the same day that these 4 assignments, 2 of which are video submissions staring me. Directed by me. Edited by me. ME. WTF...
There is so much I'd like to get onto this screen through my conduit fingers, but I have this goal for tomorrow morning. I'm actually pretty excited about it. Now, let's see if I can execute it. I want to wake up just past dawn. Grab a coffee with my pup in stow and venture off to the beach. Really take in the morning and get a fresh dose of gratitude - because I can! And I feel like I do need to get back there. I used to be there all the time. And not that I lack it, but maybe just forgotten. Then, come home and start turbo cleaning the fuck out of this dirty ass, monster filth of a bear den I've been living in. Sheer laziness. But, part of my goal is to complete the house chores before noon, so I can take a nap before finishing the rest of my chores and begin my hellish homework. A semester condensed into 4 weeks.
I can do this.
So I have this ridiculous smile on my face since the moment that I logged into my livejournal. As I embark on my 30th year of existence, have I finally reached a point of - dare I say it? - acceptance? Acceptance of what, exactly?
Of myself. My brain and all its magnificent beauty. I feel sincere about saying that, too. I only spend about 60 seconds glancing at the most recent entries and the smile that came across my face was priceless. Forgive me, if my creative writing, that I so effortlessly, used to be able to paint across the screen, is anything short of what I used to be. (I finally went back to school - writing is a fickle thing. I intend to stay true to my original writer-self that I always have been, here at this home of mine.)
If only, I could have some type of recorder permanently implanted in my brain to capture all of my most relevant thoughts. When I was a kid, I used to think that when you went to Heaven and it was time to review your life with God, upon admission, your life was drawn up in three different ways. I'll explain. First, I used to think that God brought out the 24/7 constant reel of your life. Every moment of your life, forever captured in this imaginary video. Next, a complete manuscript of every word ever spoken. And finally, a complete manuscript of every thought ever having. Fuck.
But on the bright side, I actually looked forward to the probability of reviewing the manuscript of every thought I ever had. As scary as that may seem, and it most certainly did frighten me, it also enticed me, too, because if such manuscript did exist, I was use to revisit some of the most deep, meaningful, meaningless, practical and impractical, everything that I am - thoughts. So many of which I wish I could capture and keep forever. If just what forever is to me. To my end, but not forever, forever. Maybe, just maybe, they could continue you on in some way. Even if dormant, but still existing.
So, it may actually be time to archive some of these oldies. I have to actually laugh at loud about that, (in my head, of course), because I never really understood why anyone would ever do that. And maybe I still don't know why for sure. Or if I'm doing it for the "appropriate" reason, whatever that/they might be. However, I do feel compelled. Heck, who knows... I might actually read them, finally.
I always tried to go back from the beginning, start there, and work my way back to the present. I'm not sure if that will be the approach for this task. Hell, I'm not even sure what my exact approach will be, now that I'm really giving it some thought. Well, we will see. As for right now, I need to be back here, doing this. This, that has always been a special part of me. A part that I'm finally proud of. To the point of allowing any regular ol' schmoe...? Yeah, I think not. I mean, I stand my very original stance of insecurity I've had since day one: as long as I don't know that people are reading it, but rather, that it IS being read without my knowing it, is the only think I (think) I desire. Whatever, anyways.
In the next 24 hours, I'll need to humble myself down to a level I never once considered. I'm about to start my next English class, and my first assignment is four parts. Two of which are video submissions - of myself! Oh, and did I mention that this class officially on Monday. That is also the same day that these 4 assignments, 2 of which are video submissions staring me. Directed by me. Edited by me. ME. WTF...
There is so much I'd like to get onto this screen through my conduit fingers, but I have this goal for tomorrow morning. I'm actually pretty excited about it. Now, let's see if I can execute it. I want to wake up just past dawn. Grab a coffee with my pup in stow and venture off to the beach. Really take in the morning and get a fresh dose of gratitude - because I can! And I feel like I do need to get back there. I used to be there all the time. And not that I lack it, but maybe just forgotten. Then, come home and start turbo cleaning the fuck out of this dirty ass, monster filth of a bear den I've been living in. Sheer laziness. But, part of my goal is to complete the house chores before noon, so I can take a nap before finishing the rest of my chores and begin my hellish homework. A semester condensed into 4 weeks.
I can do this.