Maybe I should limit my caffeine intake...
Fucking aye... Billy Joel is on. Just the way you are... It makes me think of Mike. He's my archangel. I was such a shit to him. He is too good for me. I just hate myself so much sometimes and I have to let it go.
I watched Me, Myself, and Irene last night. I relate too much. Nice person and repressed maniac. I have Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde syndrome. That awful movie (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) was on when I was in the looney bin. Isn't that great? I thought it was terrifyingly hilarious. And it was on when I was in the looney looney side. I just have to mediate between the two. But sometimes the maniac is more clever and slips right past my barrier.
Y'know what's weird? When I came out of the coma, I had a scar exactly where Marilyn Monroe's beauty mark is. I totally came out of that shit marked. My left knee had a blister, too. I'm convinced I was bounced between heaven and hell and had to come back to finish life.
I'm still really pissed off at myself, but I'm trying to cope. I know I shouldn't hurt those that I love. I shouldn't hurt anyone. It's just so hard to cope with myself sometimes. So I just lash out. It's unhealthy and wrong. I'm trying to tame my inner demons and let them out without causing turmoil. It's easier to scream and cry over spilt milk rather than clean it up, but once it's done and over with, you exert so much more energy being angry then you would just dealing with the problem. It's unnecessary stress.
Quitting smoking isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I'm still hunting in the ashtrays at home for butts. But it's better than smoking a pack and a half a day. I'll eventually quit all the way. I never should have started back up. But a girl has to have a vice of some sort. My parents are trying to set me up for the convent, I'm convinced. They figure they'll let God take care of me so they don't have to. Haha. J/K.
I'm such a fucking mess. Everyone should give up on me. I know I would have by now. But I'm really thankful that y'all are there for me. More than I care to admit. I really do consider my friends to be guardian angels of some sort. We're all so intricately linked and alike, we were all prolly a family or tribe or coven of some sort in past lives. I know, I sound all Shirley McClain, but after some of the visions and conversations I've had lately... well, it's uncanny.
I just have to let go of some of these things and concentrate on the gentle trickling of the peace energy that is trying get past my dam of depression. My damn depression. Haha.
I was reading about the Rainbow Gathering. That is such a beautiful concept. I'd love to go sometime in my life when I'm more stable and able to participate. The concept is so neat and truly something I'd love to experience. I have more healing to do in myself, but I feel like once I'm okay again, I could help others heal too.
I get so caught up in self-pity that I don't realize others hurt too. And sometimes I get so caught up in others' pain I don't pay attention to my own needs. I need to maintain my own shit before I can help anyone else. And that means letting go of petty bullshit that means nothing in the long run.
Que sera, sera... whatever will be, will be.
Mad love... and happy love... love all around.
I watched Me, Myself, and Irene last night. I relate too much. Nice person and repressed maniac. I have Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde syndrome. That awful movie (Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde) was on when I was in the looney bin. Isn't that great? I thought it was terrifyingly hilarious. And it was on when I was in the looney looney side. I just have to mediate between the two. But sometimes the maniac is more clever and slips right past my barrier.
Y'know what's weird? When I came out of the coma, I had a scar exactly where Marilyn Monroe's beauty mark is. I totally came out of that shit marked. My left knee had a blister, too. I'm convinced I was bounced between heaven and hell and had to come back to finish life.
I'm still really pissed off at myself, but I'm trying to cope. I know I shouldn't hurt those that I love. I shouldn't hurt anyone. It's just so hard to cope with myself sometimes. So I just lash out. It's unhealthy and wrong. I'm trying to tame my inner demons and let them out without causing turmoil. It's easier to scream and cry over spilt milk rather than clean it up, but once it's done and over with, you exert so much more energy being angry then you would just dealing with the problem. It's unnecessary stress.
Quitting smoking isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I'm still hunting in the ashtrays at home for butts. But it's better than smoking a pack and a half a day. I'll eventually quit all the way. I never should have started back up. But a girl has to have a vice of some sort. My parents are trying to set me up for the convent, I'm convinced. They figure they'll let God take care of me so they don't have to. Haha. J/K.
I'm such a fucking mess. Everyone should give up on me. I know I would have by now. But I'm really thankful that y'all are there for me. More than I care to admit. I really do consider my friends to be guardian angels of some sort. We're all so intricately linked and alike, we were all prolly a family or tribe or coven of some sort in past lives. I know, I sound all Shirley McClain, but after some of the visions and conversations I've had lately... well, it's uncanny.
I just have to let go of some of these things and concentrate on the gentle trickling of the peace energy that is trying get past my dam of depression. My damn depression. Haha.
I was reading about the Rainbow Gathering. That is such a beautiful concept. I'd love to go sometime in my life when I'm more stable and able to participate. The concept is so neat and truly something I'd love to experience. I have more healing to do in myself, but I feel like once I'm okay again, I could help others heal too.
I get so caught up in self-pity that I don't realize others hurt too. And sometimes I get so caught up in others' pain I don't pay attention to my own needs. I need to maintain my own shit before I can help anyone else. And that means letting go of petty bullshit that means nothing in the long run.
Que sera, sera... whatever will be, will be.
Mad love... and happy love... love all around.