My life is an open book, but the next page is blank. So let me summarize and title this chapter.
Got an injection in my foot today. Must stretch it twice a day if I ever hope for this foot pain to go away. Lord knows I have to prepare myself for a long journey, the destinations of which I do not know. But I am a mover, and in time I will be a shaker. This I feel in my spirit. Yet, lately I fear when I sleep that I won't wake up, and so much will be left undone in this life, and I wonder what will become of my memories, my art, my writing, my plans. Perhaps this fear is because I feel on the verge of discovery, similar to the feeling of being near the end of a good book where every mystery in the storyline becomes clear. Perhaps this fear is also because I don't have an official appointed backup archivist of my life. :) Is that egotistical to want one? After all, the only thing that will truly live on after me is my life story.
A few weeks ago I felt caught in the brush at a crossroads, unable to even walk down any of the paths before me. Today, I know I am on a path again. In fact, I feel it is a path that I kept moving mountains in front of. Some have believed with me that there is the possibility that this is an epic story, a path of
But there are things to love, there is art to make [the central passion and mission of which I have yet to find], there are languages to learn, there is meditation and yoga to practice, there are things to learn and things to teach and a way to make and balance to find.
Through Nursing I have found a means to an end. But what is this end? What is my way? And still, Great Nurses love others in time of pain, and despite their own pains, and despite how much of a PITA the patient is. :) And Nursing is the most challenging job I have ever had, task wise. Love-wise it seems to come easy for me. A friend commented that in a few years I'd be a hard Nurse. I pray that doesn't happen. I pray to God that doesn't happen. I pray to be hard-core skill wise, yes, to be knowledgable and intuitive and competent. I hopehopehope I don't become jaded, hurt, angry, burnt like some that I see. Not even the meanest, angriest, most demented, hopeless, or seemingly helpless patients deserve anything but our greatest good. (hehe, I wonder, however, if I'll ever outlive my reputation at work as a crybaby when I get overwhelmed and panic?) I still have some fears with my coworkers...like, I'm a genuinely nice person; I know this in my heart, other people have told me this. I have my issues, yes, we all do. But I do my best to not be a backstabber, to not gossip (which still slips out sometimes), to support people when I can. I fear that when it comes down to delegation and addressing issues with coworkers....well, I guess I worry too much about what people think of me; that they'll think I'm an ass. I fear that I won't communicate my true intent and desires effectively and it will backfire (as has happened in the past). I fear that people will find reasons to hate me. The hate I experienced when I was a kid really really sucked and was totally unfounded. I trust that I'm a good person now and have good intents for myself and other people. So what does it matter what other people think of me, right? Well, it matters. I'd like my actions and my words to reflect that. I'd like to be able to manage conflict better. *sigh*
...just watched the curious case of benjamin button and I'm left with that eternal question....why *am* I here? Can it be summarized under the title of 'to love'? or 'to love life, and all that life contains,' as that aesthetic realism idea states? How does art/music/speaking/travel/writing/teaching tie into that love? *sigh* that is the path I am on. I've been gathering for so long, and now it's time to learn to weave it all together, eh?
Why does it sometimes hurt to do this, to love? I reckon every other 'purpose' has its hurts, too. Dancers get hurt, artists/creatives get blocks - internal and external. Of course, I suppose I don't really work on healing from these hurts (see 'need to do foot exercises,' for example).
Really, I need to confess something as to why the love aspect of this movie stood out to me. That lover that just moved out? We've had sex twice since he moved out. Which, is one thing. It was unprotected sex. Which, is not cool. Especially because for both of us sex and love are miswired in our brains, so the impulsiveness added to 'intimacy.' However, let's recall that back in January I had been exposed, via him, to a curable STI (for which I gratefully tested negative, he positive). So, it is utter, sheer insanity for me to have unprotected sex with him. Heck , arguably, it's insanity for me to even be having sex with him at all, given that oftentimes, it hurts afterwards because we have a lot of love for each other but, well, in a relationship? It's just not meant to be. I have yet to move on, to break the ice with someone else, and I worry that my sex and love miswiring might cause me to be taken outside of myself and fall into a relationship again, or to become obsessed, as I am prone to do with even the hint of a reciprocated crush. Like, I suspect there totally should be a period of celibacy instilled here for the sake of protecting the path that I'm on. However, being a lover has for a long, long time been a part of who I am. Can I go back to a more casual, yet intimate mindset? Perhaps that can happen after I am more firmly embedded on this path.
On Tuesday night after work, on the way home, i felt vulnerable and lonely. I was fine with the day's accomplishments but got thrown off when giving report and a nurse was highly annoyed that my lil' old confused lady's ER IV hadn't been changed yet as per protocol. Maybe it was just how she was feeling and that was just one of those things to add to already existing annoyance. So, anyway, that rocked me a little bit. I whined about being lonely to the (ex)lover. Heck, i even declined a proposition from a new lover (and *only* lover, again, not relationship candidate, not even sure if he could be trusted as a clandestine affair candidate, so I'm not going there). I meditated on the train and actually felt more grounded, less vulnerable when I got home. Positive progress.
And, remembering the ending of Nurse Jackie...when she said, "God make me good...just not yet." Well, that gave name to a reservation for me, I think. Part of why I'm so scared of my spiritual/life potential. There are many not yets in my brain. I need to put them aside. The not yets do not serve the highest good. I need to continuously commit myself to this greater good and somehow quiet the not yets.
There is a meditation that I was taught for studying that involved induction via a staircase. My staircase was painted as a spiral staircase. I heard yesterday (In the movie National Treasure) King Solomon's temple had a spiral staircase that was said to lead to the Path of Truth, or Path of light, to the spirit. Ha, just googled this and was reminded of watching Half Nelson last week where it was mentioned that change happens in spirals, involves opposites, and something else?
I am totally getting my puzzle piece tattooed if I can get in before I'm due to get my Shiva tattoo. Hm, I also just had the bright idea that Snake Eyes is not the only tattooer in the world, he's just my favorite. :) But he is mad booked and I want to get a lot of ink done. At any rate, Shall I call this phase the Path of the Puzzle Pieces? I have some of the means, and now I'm finding the way. Spiritual practices are definitely my needed corner pieces.
Oh God, universal energy, who has many, many faces and names, Shiva, Alla, Jah, Kali, Isis, Ganesha, Odin, Jehova
.... open my eyes and my heart to love without expectation or quantification; without walls or boundaries of my own creation; a love that forgives and unites and lifts spirits.
.... continue to bring people and experiences into my life who are aligned with my highest self.
.... teach me strength, discipline, critical thinking, perserverence, versatility, practical creativity
.... help me honor my spirit with care and patience towards myself.
.... help me heal those who are hurting and lift their hearts with hope.
.... help me make choices that honor my body and my spirit.
.... remove these reservations! Plz0rz? Mmkay? I'm tired of fighting you and hurting myself. It's damn unneccessary!
So, anyway. I'm tired. It's 4AM. I'm up *way* past my bedtime. And If I want to get anything done today (going to home depot to get color swatches, for example, for painting)... I'd better sleep.
My love and best wishes go out to you all, thanks for listening to this part of my story. Please stay in my life.
A
It gets better!
PS: Speaking of the new experiences - the free plane ticket I was going to use for Seattle? It has limited destinations, Seattle was not one of them. So I'm planning on going to atlanta, by myself, without knowing anybody there. I shall definitely visit MLK's things, and there's a puppet festival going on the time I'm planning on going! How cute! So I'll be going to Atlanta *and* Seattle this year. Perhaps I'll even be able to make it to SF again as well. It's my annual goal.
PPS: Does anyone @ BI know if I can use sick days post-surgery instead of vacation days? :) I still have to make time to have my gallbladder taken out. heh.
A few weeks ago I felt caught in the brush at a crossroads, unable to even walk down any of the paths before me. Today, I know I am on a path again. In fact, I feel it is a path that I kept moving mountains in front of. Some have believed with me that there is the possibility that this is an epic story, a path of
But there are things to love, there is art to make [the central passion and mission of which I have yet to find], there are languages to learn, there is meditation and yoga to practice, there are things to learn and things to teach and a way to make and balance to find.
Through Nursing I have found a means to an end. But what is this end? What is my way? And still, Great Nurses love others in time of pain, and despite their own pains, and despite how much of a PITA the patient is. :) And Nursing is the most challenging job I have ever had, task wise. Love-wise it seems to come easy for me. A friend commented that in a few years I'd be a hard Nurse. I pray that doesn't happen. I pray to God that doesn't happen. I pray to be hard-core skill wise, yes, to be knowledgable and intuitive and competent. I hopehopehope I don't become jaded, hurt, angry, burnt like some that I see. Not even the meanest, angriest, most demented, hopeless, or seemingly helpless patients deserve anything but our greatest good. (hehe, I wonder, however, if I'll ever outlive my reputation at work as a crybaby when I get overwhelmed and panic?) I still have some fears with my coworkers...like, I'm a genuinely nice person; I know this in my heart, other people have told me this. I have my issues, yes, we all do. But I do my best to not be a backstabber, to not gossip (which still slips out sometimes), to support people when I can. I fear that when it comes down to delegation and addressing issues with coworkers....well, I guess I worry too much about what people think of me; that they'll think I'm an ass. I fear that I won't communicate my true intent and desires effectively and it will backfire (as has happened in the past). I fear that people will find reasons to hate me. The hate I experienced when I was a kid really really sucked and was totally unfounded. I trust that I'm a good person now and have good intents for myself and other people. So what does it matter what other people think of me, right? Well, it matters. I'd like my actions and my words to reflect that. I'd like to be able to manage conflict better. *sigh*
...just watched the curious case of benjamin button and I'm left with that eternal question....why *am* I here? Can it be summarized under the title of 'to love'? or 'to love life, and all that life contains,' as that aesthetic realism idea states? How does art/music/speaking/travel/writing/teaching tie into that love? *sigh* that is the path I am on. I've been gathering for so long, and now it's time to learn to weave it all together, eh?
Why does it sometimes hurt to do this, to love? I reckon every other 'purpose' has its hurts, too. Dancers get hurt, artists/creatives get blocks - internal and external. Of course, I suppose I don't really work on healing from these hurts (see 'need to do foot exercises,' for example).
Really, I need to confess something as to why the love aspect of this movie stood out to me. That lover that just moved out? We've had sex twice since he moved out. Which, is one thing. It was unprotected sex. Which, is not cool. Especially because for both of us sex and love are miswired in our brains, so the impulsiveness added to 'intimacy.' However, let's recall that back in January I had been exposed, via him, to a curable STI (for which I gratefully tested negative, he positive). So, it is utter, sheer insanity for me to have unprotected sex with him. Heck , arguably, it's insanity for me to even be having sex with him at all, given that oftentimes, it hurts afterwards because we have a lot of love for each other but, well, in a relationship? It's just not meant to be. I have yet to move on, to break the ice with someone else, and I worry that my sex and love miswiring might cause me to be taken outside of myself and fall into a relationship again, or to become obsessed, as I am prone to do with even the hint of a reciprocated crush. Like, I suspect there totally should be a period of celibacy instilled here for the sake of protecting the path that I'm on. However, being a lover has for a long, long time been a part of who I am. Can I go back to a more casual, yet intimate mindset? Perhaps that can happen after I am more firmly embedded on this path.
On Tuesday night after work, on the way home, i felt vulnerable and lonely. I was fine with the day's accomplishments but got thrown off when giving report and a nurse was highly annoyed that my lil' old confused lady's ER IV hadn't been changed yet as per protocol. Maybe it was just how she was feeling and that was just one of those things to add to already existing annoyance. So, anyway, that rocked me a little bit. I whined about being lonely to the (ex)lover. Heck, i even declined a proposition from a new lover (and *only* lover, again, not relationship candidate, not even sure if he could be trusted as a clandestine affair candidate, so I'm not going there). I meditated on the train and actually felt more grounded, less vulnerable when I got home. Positive progress.
And, remembering the ending of Nurse Jackie...when she said, "God make me good...just not yet." Well, that gave name to a reservation for me, I think. Part of why I'm so scared of my spiritual/life potential. There are many not yets in my brain. I need to put them aside. The not yets do not serve the highest good. I need to continuously commit myself to this greater good and somehow quiet the not yets.
There is a meditation that I was taught for studying that involved induction via a staircase. My staircase was painted as a spiral staircase. I heard yesterday (In the movie National Treasure) King Solomon's temple had a spiral staircase that was said to lead to the Path of Truth, or Path of light, to the spirit. Ha, just googled this and was reminded of watching Half Nelson last week where it was mentioned that change happens in spirals, involves opposites, and something else?
I am totally getting my puzzle piece tattooed if I can get in before I'm due to get my Shiva tattoo. Hm, I also just had the bright idea that Snake Eyes is not the only tattooer in the world, he's just my favorite. :) But he is mad booked and I want to get a lot of ink done. At any rate, Shall I call this phase the Path of the Puzzle Pieces? I have some of the means, and now I'm finding the way. Spiritual practices are definitely my needed corner pieces.
Oh God, universal energy, who has many, many faces and names, Shiva, Alla, Jah, Kali, Isis, Ganesha, Odin, Jehova
.... open my eyes and my heart to love without expectation or quantification; without walls or boundaries of my own creation; a love that forgives and unites and lifts spirits.
.... continue to bring people and experiences into my life who are aligned with my highest self.
.... teach me strength, discipline, critical thinking, perserverence, versatility, practical creativity
.... help me honor my spirit with care and patience towards myself.
.... help me heal those who are hurting and lift their hearts with hope.
.... help me make choices that honor my body and my spirit.
.... remove these reservations! Plz0rz? Mmkay? I'm tired of fighting you and hurting myself. It's damn unneccessary!
So, anyway. I'm tired. It's 4AM. I'm up *way* past my bedtime. And If I want to get anything done today (going to home depot to get color swatches, for example, for painting)... I'd better sleep.
My love and best wishes go out to you all, thanks for listening to this part of my story. Please stay in my life.
A
It gets better!
PS: Speaking of the new experiences - the free plane ticket I was going to use for Seattle? It has limited destinations, Seattle was not one of them. So I'm planning on going to atlanta, by myself, without knowing anybody there. I shall definitely visit MLK's things, and there's a puppet festival going on the time I'm planning on going! How cute! So I'll be going to Atlanta *and* Seattle this year. Perhaps I'll even be able to make it to SF again as well. It's my annual goal.
PPS: Does anyone @ BI know if I can use sick days post-surgery instead of vacation days? :) I still have to make time to have my gallbladder taken out. heh.