Fears of Perception
I have a dilemma, although I think I grok the logical answer at this point. My heart disagrees, though.
Regarding the gay pride parade Sunday, one of my best friends asked me to accompany her on the float for her group, which has to do with an organization that services HIV+ people. Now, I've marched in the gay pride parade (scantily clad and topless, at that) in the past with the Bi Womens group and with TES. Those of you that recall me marching with TES will remember me on rollerblades, topless, in bondage, topless, getting whipped. I know there are pictures of me that may surface someday for more vivid reminders. Heck, I have one of those pictures. :)
At any rate, the dilemma is this. I have a fear of being perceived as positive. My primary fear at the moment stems from the fact that I am in the process of going through pre-employment screening with a prominent hospital. So, what if people who are in the hiring process see me (in person, from afar, or on TV) and believe I am positive? We all know that it's illegal for them to discriminate and not hire me as a result, but they can obviously make up some reason. We don't live in an ideal world. Also, anything can go awry at a parade.
I spoke to my sponsor about this and he's the one that reminded me it's not an ideal world, that my priority should be getting my foot in the door, that if there's even a chance that this could effect my career at this point I shouldn't do it.. When my Nursing career is more established I can find my niche and have more leeway to stand up for people, but I'm not even hired yet.
I feel so unspiritual not supporting my friend for this. Like, what would Martin Luther King Jr. have done? Or other stander-uppers-for-people? And like, I would totally hope that people would show up for me if the shoe was on the other foot. What if I carried a sign that said "I'm not positive, but my friends are!" ?
Basically, the logical answer is that I shouldn't put myself at risk, not yet. My heart just wants to be righteous, rebellious, and in society's face, not living in fear of what other people think, as I tend to do sometimes. But is there really spiritual power in lying low for the time being?
Sigh.
Another caveat: I still have yet to take the pharmacology exam. That has to happen sometime next week, and in order for me to start on time I have to pass it on the first shot. I haven't studied nearly enough, in fact, I stayed home from work today and didn't study at all. So, I need to wake up Sunday and get studying, ya know?
Any other perspectives?