You might be a Red-Neck Pagan
Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a redneck Pagan...
You might be a Red-Neck Pagan
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco ....
You might be a red-neck Pagan!
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top.....
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club.....
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest..
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
....you might just be a redneck Pagan.
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars,
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's,
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl,
....you just might be a redneck pagan.
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's"...
....you just might be a redneck pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom..
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate it........
If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for Beltane....
If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.....
Or if you have cast a love spell on livestock......
.....you are definitely a Redneck Pagan.
You might be a Red-Neck Pagan
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco ....
You might be a red-neck Pagan!
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top.....
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club.....
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest..
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
....you might just be a redneck Pagan.
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars,
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's,
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl,
....you just might be a redneck pagan.
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's"...
....you just might be a redneck pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom..
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate it........
If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for Beltane....
If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.....
Or if you have cast a love spell on livestock......
.....you are definitely a Redneck Pagan.