In My Arms, He Dies [[S/A]]
Title: In My Arms, He Dies [[S/A]]
Author:
dee_jaydj
Rating: NC-17 (but it's mild)
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth/Jack Barakat
Summary: “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Alex. No matter what happens, I’m never gonna leave you, always gonna be there.”
Disclaimer: I do not own/know either of these boys, and I sure as hell hope this never happened. O.o
WARNINGS: Death, mild drug use, attempted suicide
Author Notes: I wrote this story in one of the darkest times I've ever really gone through, and it was the only outlet I had at the time. It kept me together, and I felt the need to post it.
Title variation and cut lyrics from The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance.
This was wrong. So very, very wrong. He shouldn’t be walking across the soft funeral home carpet, up to the open casket laying in view to every sniffling, red-eyed person in the room. He shouldn’t be staring into that casket and see the pale, lifeless figure of his lover, in a suit he would never wear if he was paid to. He shouldn’t be reaching out to the motionless boy, because he really was still only a boy, and brushing his fingers along the too-cold skin. His beautiful lashes just barely dusted across his cheeks, hiding wide brown eyes that no long held their previous energy.
Jack shouldn’t be dead. It wasn’t possible to comprehend that the most energetic, happy person he’d ever met was indeed laying dead in the casket his mother picket out . It didn’t suit Jack’s personality. Nothing about this funeral would Jack have wanted. Too much crying, no one remembering the things he’d done when alive. Only mourning over the fact he was dead. It was wrong.
Alex wouldn’t cry. Not here, at least. He wouldn’t cry, because Jack wouldn’t have wanted him to.
With a shaky sigh, Alex leaned over the casket, eyes swimming with unshed tears, He leaned close, so his lips almost met Jack’s ear. “I love you,” he breathed out softly, watching Jack’s unresponsive face. He wanted to say more, but his breath caught in his throat. He shook his head a bit, moving to press his lips to Jack’s for the last time; cold lips met warm, trembling ones. No magical Disney moment. The color didn’t return to Jack’s face. All that was left was a dead, empty feeling in Alex’s chest where his heart should be.
He’d given it to Jack years ago. There wasn’t anything there anymore.
Alex may as well be dead too.
--------
The rest of the day went by in a blur. Alex was hardly there, only physically. He didn’t say a word to anyone, and eventually people took the hint and let him be.
He was broken.
He was alone.
The words seemed unreal to Alex, but it was true. Even from the first day they met, Jack had been the only thing to keep Alex together.
~:~:~:~
Alex was seriously about three seconds away from a fit, he really was. Why in God’s name should they move again, now? In the middle of his eighth grade year? Given, it was just from one town to another, still in Maryland. But still. He’d have to make all new friends, and catch up to the work at the new school. Why?!
With a very, very reluctant sigh, Alex shot a glare to his mother, before exiting the main office into his new school.
Almost immediately, he was met by a mass of long limbs and dark hair, which was yelling something loudly and incoherently. Alex blinked a few times, confused as to why the collision resulted in him being on the floor.
“NO! You can NOT have my waffles, Gabe!” the boy said, the first intelligible Alex had caught. The tall boy finally looked down, as if just realizing he had someone inadvertently pinned to the ground, and Alex was met with the most stunning brown eyes ever… “Oh. Hi! I’m Jack. Sorry.”
He finally got off, grinning brightly and holding out a hand to help Alex up. Alex looked at it for a moment, skeptically, before taking the offered hand and using it to help right himself. “Uh… I’m Alex…”
“Are you new? I bet you are. Ooooh, we have to be friends. We’re friends. C’mon, I’ll introduce you to your new friends!”
Alex could hardly get a word in, but the fact only seemed to make him smile. He’d thought it’d be terrible here, but just this brief meeting with Jack managed make him forget all his worries.
He was going to like it there.
~:~:~:~
Why did it always seem to rain when there was a funeral? Alex wondered this to himself as he watched Jack’s casket sink into the middy ground. Everything was silent, save for a few broken sobs here and there from Jack’s mom. A light drizzle was falling, as if the heavens were crying as well, weeping for the lost soul. Alex’s lost lover. Lost son, friend, neighbor. There were so many people there. Jack was that little ray of light that managed to touch everyone around him. Everyone was affected by the loss.
But Jack’s light seemed to have been blinding to Alex, the only thing he could see the moment he realized he loved him.
Now he was left in the dark, with sunspots of memories swimming before his eyes.
~:~:~:~
A weak cough broke the silence between them, of course coming from Jack. Alex looked up, smirking a bit. “What?” he asked curiously, arching an eyebrow at his friend.
Jack tried to smile, but he didn’t seem to be doing a very good job of it. He was quiet for a minute, and Alex was about to look back to his homework, but was denied the right to as Jack pushed it aside. “I’ve been thinking…”
“Oh, boy, Jack! Don’t hurt yourself!” Alex snorted, grinning.
Jack rolled his eyes, though surprisingly didn’t hit Alex. “Shut up, dick, lemme talk!” he commanded, shifting closer so he was nearly taking the place of Alex’s homework on his bed.
“Alright, alright. Shoot.”
Jack sighed a little and finally managed a small smile in Alex’s direction. “Lex… Alex, I kindasorta think I’m gay.”
Alex’s eyebrows shot up, past his bangs, in skepticism. There’d been more than a few occasions in which Jack had claimed he was gay, only to be kidding.
“Shut up, I’m not done yet!”
“I didn’t say anything!”
“You were going t-“
“finish, Jack! C’mon!”
Jack pouted lightly, giving Alex an irritated look. “Well. I was hoping…maybe… Maybe youcouldkissme so… soIcanbesure...” He was blushing now, eyes downcast. Skepticism rose in Alex once more, crossing his arms low over his chest.
“You… want me to kiss you…?” he said slowly, trying to make sense of Jack’s request. The boy nodded eagerly, looking up at Alex with those wide, pleading eyes that Alex couldn’t say no to, even now in 11th grade. Alex sighed a little, in defeat, finally nodding.
“Alright. Fine,” he conceded, trying to fight a blush himself. Jack’s eyes lit, scooting a little closer to Alex.
“Thanks, Alex…” he murmured, though he didn’t sound like he was nervous. Eager was a better word. “I only asked ‘cause you’re my best friend, and we can trust each other and…”
“Shut up.”
“Okay.”
And with that, Jack closed the distance between them first, pressing his lips to Alex’s tenderly. Ales was honestly surprised how soft Jack’s normally chapped-looking lips were. A breath of a sigh broke from Alex’s lips as he leaned a bit closer, resting a hand on Jack’s knee.
In that moment, both boys seemed to feel the spark that shot through their nerves, and it dragged a low gasp from Jack, who pulled away a bit to look at Alex with surprised eyes.
“Hey, Jack?”
“Y-yeah?”
“I think I’m gay, too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Awesome.”
And without much more incentive, they were kissing again, still as soft as ever.
And Alex couldn’t see a damn thing through that light.
~:~:~:~
How smart was is to be driving like this, Alex wondered. With tears threatening to fall, blurring his vision. He didn’t care.
It felt so final now, with Jack buried underground as he was. The thought made Alex shudder lightly, hands tightening on the wheel as he made a sharp turn onto their street.
His street.
Alex winced at the internal correction, looking up at what was now only his house, pulling into the driveway. It was going to feel so empty without Jack. As empty as Alex felt. The house itself help so much for him and Jack. Everything from their first electric bill, to their first…
~:~:~:~
The lights were off. The house was silent, save for their shaky breathing. Eyes blown wide, trembling hands, delicate touches. Everything was gently, wondering who was going to cross the line first. Bit the line had been crossed long ago. Both were naked, and every now and then a soft moan, or a whispered ‘I love you’ could be heard.
And then Alex is moving, he’s over Jack, gentle kisses and hesitant pressure.
And he’s moving again, but now Jack is moving with him, and they’ve both lost track of where ones body ended and the others began.
The whole night was slow and careful; both trying to learn everything about their lover without ever wanting to stop, passing ‘I love you’s and other such sentiments compulsively.
---
And it’s two AM, and they’re both still awake, but only barely. Alex’s arms are wrapped possessively around Jack, cradling him close.
“I never wanna lose you, Jack. You’re the world to me.”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, Alex. No matter what happens, I’m never gonna leave you, always gonna be there.” He yawns, and Alex smiles.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
~:~:~:~
Alex isn’t exactly sure when it happened, but he’s crying now. He’d made it as far as their bedroom before the pain crashed down over him. He dropped to his knees on the auburn carpet, choked and broken sobs ripping from his throat, cries of his lover’s name.
Jack lied. He lied to him, he didn’t stay. He was gone. Lost forever. Alex was both furious and distraught, feeling a heavy pain settling in his whole being that he knew wasn’t going to leave. The pain was taking the place where Jack once was, filling every part of him, like Jack had.
Alex wished he would’ve helped him, wished he could’ve done something to stop it. One mistake, and he was alone, and his whole world was crashing down.
~:~:~:~
Everything was more than a little hazy, it really was, and all Alex could think clearly was, wow. This is some really good shit,
And yeah, he knows he shouldn’t be getting blazed the night before a job interview, but he really wanted to, and Jack was keeping him out of trouble. He’d decided to stay down, at least until they got home. They were walking through the streets, hand-in-hand, and Alex was babbling excitedly about the difference between hippos and rhinoceroses.
Alex could see the grin on Jack’s face, and it didn’t really register to his delayed mind that he might be rambling and looking quite stupid while doing so.
But without realizing it, Jack’s hand wasn’t in his anymore. Alex looked down, and Jack was on the ground, letting out little noises of pain. And before Alex could ask what happened, he was getting spun around, face-to-face with a man with dirty, curly blonde hair and deep-set green eyes. He looked scared, but determined all at the same time.
“G-give me everything on you, and y-you won’t get hurt,” he hissed, and Alex couldn’t help but giggle lightly.
“Wow. Muggers in Maryland,” he laughed, shoving the guy back, grinning. “What, yer’ gonna hurt me with yer’ oh-so-intimidating stutter, dickweed?”
“Alex, don’t!”
Jack’s warning was lost as the guy growled low in his throat, tugging something out of his pocket. It was too dark against the night for Alex to see, influenced as he was, but it was pointed at him, and Jack screamed something at the guy.
He didn’t even realized jack had gotten off the ground, but he heard the resounding ‘BANG!’ that could be nothing but the sound of his own death. But something heavy slumped into him, and he wrapped his arms around the familiar thin torso, hand meeting a warm, wet spot on it’s chest as he toppled to the ground.
“J-Jack…?!”
The attacker was running, leaving the scene, but Alex could feel his own heart practically stopping, sobering almost instantly.
“NO! Jack, nononono!” he cried out, pressing the sleeve of his shirt against the bleeding gunshot wound, tears unconsciously falling. “Jack, please, baby no! Don’t pleaseplease don’t leave me, Jackie, please!”
A weak, struggling laugh came from Jack, sounding pained. “I’m never gonna leave you, Al-“ He cut off abruptly with a wince, and Alex was panicking. Jack had been shot in the chest, shotshotshot, bleeding, dying, dying. He was… he was…
“I’m never gonna leave you.”
But he did.
~:~:~:~
Alex stared down at the blade in his hand, gripped tightly, poised at the crease of his elbow. His eyes were blank, glazed over, dead. That’s all he was, was going to be.
Dead.
He felt cold, like he’d already lost the precious blood he no longer wished to possess. But he hadn’t done anything yet. He lifted his head slightly, tears still falling freely.
“I’m never gonna leave you.”
Never.
Realization and hope hit Alex hard.
He’d said never, no matter what. He promised.
The blade slid from his now-slack grip, clattering to the bathroom floor.
“Jack… I love you…” he murmured, eyes staring out quite blankly, in the hopes of seeing something he could only believe was there.
“I’m never gonna leave you.”
He meant it.
He meant it.
And maybe that was all Alex needed.
Author:
dee_jaydj
Rating: NC-17 (but it's mild)
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth/Jack Barakat
Summary: “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Alex. No matter what happens, I’m never gonna leave you, always gonna be there.”
Disclaimer: I do not own/know either of these boys, and I sure as hell hope this never happened. O.o
WARNINGS: Death, mild drug use, attempted suicide
Author Notes: I wrote this story in one of the darkest times I've ever really gone through, and it was the only outlet I had at the time. It kept me together, and I felt the need to post it.
Title variation and cut lyrics from The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance.
This was wrong. So very, very wrong. He shouldn’t be walking across the soft funeral home carpet, up to the open casket laying in view to every sniffling, red-eyed person in the room. He shouldn’t be staring into that casket and see the pale, lifeless figure of his lover, in a suit he would never wear if he was paid to. He shouldn’t be reaching out to the motionless boy, because he really was still only a boy, and brushing his fingers along the too-cold skin. His beautiful lashes just barely dusted across his cheeks, hiding wide brown eyes that no long held their previous energy.
Jack shouldn’t be dead. It wasn’t possible to comprehend that the most energetic, happy person he’d ever met was indeed laying dead in the casket his mother picket out . It didn’t suit Jack’s personality. Nothing about this funeral would Jack have wanted. Too much crying, no one remembering the things he’d done when alive. Only mourning over the fact he was dead. It was wrong.
Alex wouldn’t cry. Not here, at least. He wouldn’t cry, because Jack wouldn’t have wanted him to.
With a shaky sigh, Alex leaned over the casket, eyes swimming with unshed tears, He leaned close, so his lips almost met Jack’s ear. “I love you,” he breathed out softly, watching Jack’s unresponsive face. He wanted to say more, but his breath caught in his throat. He shook his head a bit, moving to press his lips to Jack’s for the last time; cold lips met warm, trembling ones. No magical Disney moment. The color didn’t return to Jack’s face. All that was left was a dead, empty feeling in Alex’s chest where his heart should be.
He’d given it to Jack years ago. There wasn’t anything there anymore.
Alex may as well be dead too.
--------
The rest of the day went by in a blur. Alex was hardly there, only physically. He didn’t say a word to anyone, and eventually people took the hint and let him be.
He was broken.
He was alone.
The words seemed unreal to Alex, but it was true. Even from the first day they met, Jack had been the only thing to keep Alex together.
~:~:~:~
Alex was seriously about three seconds away from a fit, he really was. Why in God’s name should they move again, now? In the middle of his eighth grade year? Given, it was just from one town to another, still in Maryland. But still. He’d have to make all new friends, and catch up to the work at the new school. Why?!
With a very, very reluctant sigh, Alex shot a glare to his mother, before exiting the main office into his new school.
Almost immediately, he was met by a mass of long limbs and dark hair, which was yelling something loudly and incoherently. Alex blinked a few times, confused as to why the collision resulted in him being on the floor.
“NO! You can NOT have my waffles, Gabe!” the boy said, the first intelligible Alex had caught. The tall boy finally looked down, as if just realizing he had someone inadvertently pinned to the ground, and Alex was met with the most stunning brown eyes ever… “Oh. Hi! I’m Jack. Sorry.”
He finally got off, grinning brightly and holding out a hand to help Alex up. Alex looked at it for a moment, skeptically, before taking the offered hand and using it to help right himself. “Uh… I’m Alex…”
“Are you new? I bet you are. Ooooh, we have to be friends. We’re friends. C’mon, I’ll introduce you to your new friends!”
Alex could hardly get a word in, but the fact only seemed to make him smile. He’d thought it’d be terrible here, but just this brief meeting with Jack managed make him forget all his worries.
He was going to like it there.
~:~:~:~
Why did it always seem to rain when there was a funeral? Alex wondered this to himself as he watched Jack’s casket sink into the middy ground. Everything was silent, save for a few broken sobs here and there from Jack’s mom. A light drizzle was falling, as if the heavens were crying as well, weeping for the lost soul. Alex’s lost lover. Lost son, friend, neighbor. There were so many people there. Jack was that little ray of light that managed to touch everyone around him. Everyone was affected by the loss.
But Jack’s light seemed to have been blinding to Alex, the only thing he could see the moment he realized he loved him.
Now he was left in the dark, with sunspots of memories swimming before his eyes.
~:~:~:~
A weak cough broke the silence between them, of course coming from Jack. Alex looked up, smirking a bit. “What?” he asked curiously, arching an eyebrow at his friend.
Jack tried to smile, but he didn’t seem to be doing a very good job of it. He was quiet for a minute, and Alex was about to look back to his homework, but was denied the right to as Jack pushed it aside. “I’ve been thinking…”
“Oh, boy, Jack! Don’t hurt yourself!” Alex snorted, grinning.
Jack rolled his eyes, though surprisingly didn’t hit Alex. “Shut up, dick, lemme talk!” he commanded, shifting closer so he was nearly taking the place of Alex’s homework on his bed.
“Alright, alright. Shoot.”
Jack sighed a little and finally managed a small smile in Alex’s direction. “Lex… Alex, I kindasorta think I’m gay.”
Alex’s eyebrows shot up, past his bangs, in skepticism. There’d been more than a few occasions in which Jack had claimed he was gay, only to be kidding.
“Shut up, I’m not done yet!”
“I didn’t say anything!”
“You were going t-“
“finish, Jack! C’mon!”
Jack pouted lightly, giving Alex an irritated look. “Well. I was hoping…maybe… Maybe youcouldkissme so… soIcanbesure...” He was blushing now, eyes downcast. Skepticism rose in Alex once more, crossing his arms low over his chest.
“You… want me to kiss you…?” he said slowly, trying to make sense of Jack’s request. The boy nodded eagerly, looking up at Alex with those wide, pleading eyes that Alex couldn’t say no to, even now in 11th grade. Alex sighed a little, in defeat, finally nodding.
“Alright. Fine,” he conceded, trying to fight a blush himself. Jack’s eyes lit, scooting a little closer to Alex.
“Thanks, Alex…” he murmured, though he didn’t sound like he was nervous. Eager was a better word. “I only asked ‘cause you’re my best friend, and we can trust each other and…”
“Shut up.”
“Okay.”
And with that, Jack closed the distance between them first, pressing his lips to Alex’s tenderly. Ales was honestly surprised how soft Jack’s normally chapped-looking lips were. A breath of a sigh broke from Alex’s lips as he leaned a bit closer, resting a hand on Jack’s knee.
In that moment, both boys seemed to feel the spark that shot through their nerves, and it dragged a low gasp from Jack, who pulled away a bit to look at Alex with surprised eyes.
“Hey, Jack?”
“Y-yeah?”
“I think I’m gay, too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Awesome.”
And without much more incentive, they were kissing again, still as soft as ever.
And Alex couldn’t see a damn thing through that light.
~:~:~:~
How smart was is to be driving like this, Alex wondered. With tears threatening to fall, blurring his vision. He didn’t care.
It felt so final now, with Jack buried underground as he was. The thought made Alex shudder lightly, hands tightening on the wheel as he made a sharp turn onto their street.
His street.
Alex winced at the internal correction, looking up at what was now only his house, pulling into the driveway. It was going to feel so empty without Jack. As empty as Alex felt. The house itself help so much for him and Jack. Everything from their first electric bill, to their first…
~:~:~:~
The lights were off. The house was silent, save for their shaky breathing. Eyes blown wide, trembling hands, delicate touches. Everything was gently, wondering who was going to cross the line first. Bit the line had been crossed long ago. Both were naked, and every now and then a soft moan, or a whispered ‘I love you’ could be heard.
And then Alex is moving, he’s over Jack, gentle kisses and hesitant pressure.
And he’s moving again, but now Jack is moving with him, and they’ve both lost track of where ones body ended and the others began.
The whole night was slow and careful; both trying to learn everything about their lover without ever wanting to stop, passing ‘I love you’s and other such sentiments compulsively.
---
And it’s two AM, and they’re both still awake, but only barely. Alex’s arms are wrapped possessively around Jack, cradling him close.
“I never wanna lose you, Jack. You’re the world to me.”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, Alex. No matter what happens, I’m never gonna leave you, always gonna be there.” He yawns, and Alex smiles.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
~:~:~:~
Alex isn’t exactly sure when it happened, but he’s crying now. He’d made it as far as their bedroom before the pain crashed down over him. He dropped to his knees on the auburn carpet, choked and broken sobs ripping from his throat, cries of his lover’s name.
Jack lied. He lied to him, he didn’t stay. He was gone. Lost forever. Alex was both furious and distraught, feeling a heavy pain settling in his whole being that he knew wasn’t going to leave. The pain was taking the place where Jack once was, filling every part of him, like Jack had.
Alex wished he would’ve helped him, wished he could’ve done something to stop it. One mistake, and he was alone, and his whole world was crashing down.
~:~:~:~
Everything was more than a little hazy, it really was, and all Alex could think clearly was, wow. This is some really good shit,
And yeah, he knows he shouldn’t be getting blazed the night before a job interview, but he really wanted to, and Jack was keeping him out of trouble. He’d decided to stay down, at least until they got home. They were walking through the streets, hand-in-hand, and Alex was babbling excitedly about the difference between hippos and rhinoceroses.
Alex could see the grin on Jack’s face, and it didn’t really register to his delayed mind that he might be rambling and looking quite stupid while doing so.
But without realizing it, Jack’s hand wasn’t in his anymore. Alex looked down, and Jack was on the ground, letting out little noises of pain. And before Alex could ask what happened, he was getting spun around, face-to-face with a man with dirty, curly blonde hair and deep-set green eyes. He looked scared, but determined all at the same time.
“G-give me everything on you, and y-you won’t get hurt,” he hissed, and Alex couldn’t help but giggle lightly.
“Wow. Muggers in Maryland,” he laughed, shoving the guy back, grinning. “What, yer’ gonna hurt me with yer’ oh-so-intimidating stutter, dickweed?”
“Alex, don’t!”
Jack’s warning was lost as the guy growled low in his throat, tugging something out of his pocket. It was too dark against the night for Alex to see, influenced as he was, but it was pointed at him, and Jack screamed something at the guy.
He didn’t even realized jack had gotten off the ground, but he heard the resounding ‘BANG!’ that could be nothing but the sound of his own death. But something heavy slumped into him, and he wrapped his arms around the familiar thin torso, hand meeting a warm, wet spot on it’s chest as he toppled to the ground.
“J-Jack…?!”
The attacker was running, leaving the scene, but Alex could feel his own heart practically stopping, sobering almost instantly.
“NO! Jack, nononono!” he cried out, pressing the sleeve of his shirt against the bleeding gunshot wound, tears unconsciously falling. “Jack, please, baby no! Don’t pleaseplease don’t leave me, Jackie, please!”
A weak, struggling laugh came from Jack, sounding pained. “I’m never gonna leave you, Al-“ He cut off abruptly with a wince, and Alex was panicking. Jack had been shot in the chest, shotshotshot, bleeding, dying, dying. He was… he was…
“I’m never gonna leave you.”
But he did.
~:~:~:~
Alex stared down at the blade in his hand, gripped tightly, poised at the crease of his elbow. His eyes were blank, glazed over, dead. That’s all he was, was going to be.
Dead.
He felt cold, like he’d already lost the precious blood he no longer wished to possess. But he hadn’t done anything yet. He lifted his head slightly, tears still falling freely.
“I’m never gonna leave you.”
Never.
Realization and hope hit Alex hard.
He’d said never, no matter what. He promised.
The blade slid from his now-slack grip, clattering to the bathroom floor.
“Jack… I love you…” he murmured, eyes staring out quite blankly, in the hopes of seeing something he could only believe was there.
“I’m never gonna leave you.”
He meant it.
He meant it.
And maybe that was all Alex needed.