Dusting this off.
I know that I've neglected this stupid journal for some time, but whatever. I've had more time and ease posting blogs on myspace, rather than coming here and having to remember all my information and password...and all that good shit.
How have things been going? Well. Shitty, yet cool at the same time.
Realizing what people to trust, and what people to push away.
Single, not really looking...with one exception really.
Yeah, Jeanette left me...after nearly a year of being together with her. How and why we broke apart is too long of a story for me to sit here and type...especially in the sedated state I'm in as of current. It sucks ass, considering for about nine months of that near year...we lived together. It's been a HUGE change in lifestyle since she's gone. Sleeping and awaking alone. Nobody to turn to when I have a really bad nightmare, or a night terror. Nobody to watch me incase I have a seizure at night. Nobody to cuddle with, and hold. I smoke more. I've been drinking more often than I normally would. Been turning back to drugs a bit to hush my brain a bit. My dependencies on medications and sedatives to help me to sleep have worsened. Unless I'm hanging with a friend...I'm usually here by myself with nothing to do but sit here and think about shit. My paranoia worsens with each day, and the depression gets worse and worse...and it seems like there is no end to this seemingly bottomless pit of negativity.
Part of me wishes she hadn't left...but that comes with the territory of being so used to having someone there for me whenever I needed them. But, part of me is glad that she is gone.
I have time now to pursue some of the things I had to keep locked away. Feelings and all that good stuff.
As I said...it's a swirling vortex of negativity, and sadness.
But, in all this darkness are a few shining lights to look to. Most of them are my friends and family members (both Juggalo family, and those related by blood). But, one in particular shines as bright as the North star.
Mouse.
Everyone and their mother knows how I feel about that woman...and nearly everyone knows how much I wish to be with her. Well, unlike before...I've actually been acting on those feelings. And, to be honest...a little ground has actually been made. She herself just came out of a rather rocky year long relationship with someone. We seem to have become kindred spirits...looking to each other for courage and support. Hopefully it will lead to something more. It may not. But, from what I can gather...it's only a matter of time before things pick up in pace, and she and I unite as one.
At least...I hope that happens.
In her I have found some solice, and happiness in these dark times. And, I can't thank her enough for being there as a friend...as well as other ways.
I just hope she knows exactly how much I care about her. And, I hope things progess further than they have. I want nothing more than to make her happy...which would make me happy.
Truth be told. I am in love with her, and have been off and on for nearly 3 years.
Anyway. Theres an update for whomever may read this dusty old thing. Feel free to comment with advice and whatever else may seem necessary. Much love to everyone. And, I'll try to post more as it comes...or when I remember to.
~Justin~
How have things been going? Well. Shitty, yet cool at the same time.
Realizing what people to trust, and what people to push away.
Single, not really looking...with one exception really.
Yeah, Jeanette left me...after nearly a year of being together with her. How and why we broke apart is too long of a story for me to sit here and type...especially in the sedated state I'm in as of current. It sucks ass, considering for about nine months of that near year...we lived together. It's been a HUGE change in lifestyle since she's gone. Sleeping and awaking alone. Nobody to turn to when I have a really bad nightmare, or a night terror. Nobody to watch me incase I have a seizure at night. Nobody to cuddle with, and hold. I smoke more. I've been drinking more often than I normally would. Been turning back to drugs a bit to hush my brain a bit. My dependencies on medications and sedatives to help me to sleep have worsened. Unless I'm hanging with a friend...I'm usually here by myself with nothing to do but sit here and think about shit. My paranoia worsens with each day, and the depression gets worse and worse...and it seems like there is no end to this seemingly bottomless pit of negativity.
Part of me wishes she hadn't left...but that comes with the territory of being so used to having someone there for me whenever I needed them. But, part of me is glad that she is gone.
I have time now to pursue some of the things I had to keep locked away. Feelings and all that good stuff.
As I said...it's a swirling vortex of negativity, and sadness.
But, in all this darkness are a few shining lights to look to. Most of them are my friends and family members (both Juggalo family, and those related by blood). But, one in particular shines as bright as the North star.
Mouse.
Everyone and their mother knows how I feel about that woman...and nearly everyone knows how much I wish to be with her. Well, unlike before...I've actually been acting on those feelings. And, to be honest...a little ground has actually been made. She herself just came out of a rather rocky year long relationship with someone. We seem to have become kindred spirits...looking to each other for courage and support. Hopefully it will lead to something more. It may not. But, from what I can gather...it's only a matter of time before things pick up in pace, and she and I unite as one.
At least...I hope that happens.
In her I have found some solice, and happiness in these dark times. And, I can't thank her enough for being there as a friend...as well as other ways.
I just hope she knows exactly how much I care about her. And, I hope things progess further than they have. I want nothing more than to make her happy...which would make me happy.
Truth be told. I am in love with her, and have been off and on for nearly 3 years.
Anyway. Theres an update for whomever may read this dusty old thing. Feel free to comment with advice and whatever else may seem necessary. Much love to everyone. And, I'll try to post more as it comes...or when I remember to.
~Justin~