To Be Discontinued...
I must say, I hate livejournal. I never really wanted one. The idea of reading people bitch about how life is so awful and how nobody likes them and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It was enough to turn me away from it. But, I ended up conforming to the masses, as many did. Partly because so many of my friends had it, and it became a sort of community, but mostly because of what it is. You see, Livejournal serves as a sort of "Last chance" kind of service. When you can't find the courage to say what's on your mind in the real world, you can say it on here. And you'll have a ton of people ready to pat you on your virtual back and tell you it will be alright. However, I still ended up stopping, for I just couldn't stand it. Livejournal is false hope. People come on here in order to vent, of course. To tell their inner thoughts and feelings. But for what? Do they really just want people to read them and go "Oh that sucks. Hate to be you" or give the whole "It'll all be over with time" routine. No. People get on livejournal in hopes of finally being able to say what they NEED to say, and make people LISTEN to them. To be able to express how they really feel, and to be truly acknowledged for it. Everyone has their own feelings about whatever, and on here, those feelings are primarily sad ones. People want to be able to say what they want to say...and have it open peoples eyes to your true meaning. To make someone truly "get it". You WANT to have people see what's going on in your life. What you're going through, but most importantly, you want them to know WHY. WHY you feel such a way, or did this, said that, whatever. You want them to grasp the full effect of what your saying. But alas, so few can fully understand what you're going through, and even less can give you the answer you're looking for. It's sad really. You want to come off with such profound statements about you, and what it is like to be you, but people can't grasp YOU, because they are too busy analyzing what it's like to be THEM.
However, you just HAVE to speak. There's just the OVERWHELMING want to be heard. To be acknowledge. to try your damnedest to make them understand. But it never works out. It's like how i was telling my good friend Lindsay:
"You ever hate to talk to anyone about anything that involves anything of real, serious importance to you because you don't feel that anything you say can come off in a profound enough way? It's like feeling mute. You can't speak without people automatically queuing you into some category of some problem that you need to wait out. No one can take you serious enough. Your words can't hold enough meaning to feed to your peers. Short of committing suicide, it feels like there is no other time to make people listen to you. That's why I Hate Livejournal, for it, to me, is just a meager attempt to get attention from people that you just long for oh sooo much. That's why I day dream about being in the talent show. Forcing people to listen to me now. To ACKNOWLEDGE me. This time, it's me who gets praise. Me who gets sought after. Me who has people jealous of them. Not you. Me. I don't want to change how I think. To eventually "swallow the pill" enough times that i forgive, forget, and move on. I want to feel in the right. I want to be able to see what I want and go for it. I'm tired of sitting at the way side. Tired of feeling like a loser 95% of the time, and the other 5% I'm either drunk, high, or asleep."
The worst thing of all though, is to be written off. I HATE being written off as teen angst. When you are trying to talk to someone about a serious problem, and they laugh because you're a "kid" and life happens that way. Does that make it less serious? I guess I can, with the same respect, laugh at a funeral because "Hey, we all have to go through it." Death is just one big punchline after a long, drawn out, potentially awful(or funny) joke. Or maybe that's just existence in general.
Anyways. I succumbed. I posted. I just buckled down to the enormous pressure to be heard. That's all anyone wants. Attention...
However, you just HAVE to speak. There's just the OVERWHELMING want to be heard. To be acknowledge. to try your damnedest to make them understand. But it never works out. It's like how i was telling my good friend Lindsay:
"You ever hate to talk to anyone about anything that involves anything of real, serious importance to you because you don't feel that anything you say can come off in a profound enough way? It's like feeling mute. You can't speak without people automatically queuing you into some category of some problem that you need to wait out. No one can take you serious enough. Your words can't hold enough meaning to feed to your peers. Short of committing suicide, it feels like there is no other time to make people listen to you. That's why I Hate Livejournal, for it, to me, is just a meager attempt to get attention from people that you just long for oh sooo much. That's why I day dream about being in the talent show. Forcing people to listen to me now. To ACKNOWLEDGE me. This time, it's me who gets praise. Me who gets sought after. Me who has people jealous of them. Not you. Me. I don't want to change how I think. To eventually "swallow the pill" enough times that i forgive, forget, and move on. I want to feel in the right. I want to be able to see what I want and go for it. I'm tired of sitting at the way side. Tired of feeling like a loser 95% of the time, and the other 5% I'm either drunk, high, or asleep."
The worst thing of all though, is to be written off. I HATE being written off as teen angst. When you are trying to talk to someone about a serious problem, and they laugh because you're a "kid" and life happens that way. Does that make it less serious? I guess I can, with the same respect, laugh at a funeral because "Hey, we all have to go through it." Death is just one big punchline after a long, drawn out, potentially awful(or funny) joke. Or maybe that's just existence in general.
Anyways. I succumbed. I posted. I just buckled down to the enormous pressure to be heard. That's all anyone wants. Attention...