(no subject)
soo... i'm in africa. dar is an amazing place and i've been having a great time. i will start working shortly, visiting villages and such and i'm looking forward to that. logistically it's been for the most part uncomplicated. emotionally however i don't think i expected what i have gotten. i feel like i don't have anyone here, or that one person to report to in the states. i've emailed lots of family and friends but i dunno. it's still hard. loneliness isn't quite the word, because i feel very independent here. maybe i just haven't been independent in a while so it's just awekward to get back on my feet. i also feel like so many things i haven't dealt with, God has just brought them to my surface without my asking Him to. it's frustrating because I want to be happy here and don't want all this pain to creep in, but i guess we don't have a choice as to God's timing. i feel like he's been bringing me back to him, but through that i am having to purge things and- shock- actually ask forgiveness for things. forgiveness is a tricky thing. you feel better but worse. i've never felt so much guilt in my life but i know it's a process that will be rewarding. for once, i can honestly say that i have a past! it is something i always wanted, to be honest. to have been the bad kid in high school as opposed to the sheltered, play-it-safe, non-dating girl i was. but now, things are much much different. i don't regret anything, but now i realize what people talk about when they talk about God's forgiveness and how he humbles us. and it's something i can't run from. everywhere i turn it is in my face. little things, big things. i also have realized in the two and a half weeks i've been here that i struggle with letting God handle my future. would i be ok with staying here for years? what if he didn't let me do music? i know my desires, but what if they aren't his? man, that scares me. a lot. i know people always say that God won't ever let you be miserable, and when you let go, he actually will make you happier but it's that letting go that i struggle with. i feel like all these things God has just dumped on my heart are so big. so mighty. all i want to do is write and read. and crochet a little... i can't believe i had to travel thousands of miles just for him to get my attention. how foolish are we. how foolish am i, to think i can operate without him. it makes me wonder if things would have turned out differently.